Midlife crisis or DH problem?

[Amidlifecrisis]

I feel a bit stuck and not sure if IABU or not! (Sorry in advance this is a bit long).

I’m mid 30s with 2 small kids (5 and 2). I work full time in a demanding job in the City (of London). DH works in a creative field and is self-employed. I earn 10x what he does but he is one of the best in the world in his career, which is a vocation he has pursued since childhood.

Both of us from poor, working class families who live far away, so no parental help either financially or with childcare. We live in a terraced house in a shitty bit of London. It needs loads of work done which we can’t afford to do now.

I enjoy my job and am excellent at it but have been passed over for promotion because it’s basically a sexist environment and with 2 recent mat leaves/2 small kids I can’t compete with the men who have stay at home wives so future prospects are unclear.

I want to work part time to spend more time with the kids when they are small. I want to have another baby. I want a bigger, nicer house. We could achieve all of these things if we moved out of London, but DH needs to be here for his work. His talent and passion for it is something I have always loved about him. I can’t ask him to stop or do something else but equally I feel like I’m carrying the burden of our entire lives and he essentially gets to live the dream while Im paying for it all, both in financial terms and at the cost of my happiness. I’m penalised at work for being a woman and by society by not being around more for the kids. I feel like the sums don’t add up anymore but I don’t know how to fix it.

I think your problem is that he is not pulling his weight with regard to household and childcare.

Also, with all the money you have coming in, I'm surprised that you cannot afford a nice home in a nice part of London?

Most men are in this position, Mumsnet would flame them if they complained

Most men aren't earning £250k!

And those that are, definitely aren't doing childcare.

Nor are they experiencing prejudice from taking mat leaves.

That is true to an extent.

The problem is, I’m not a man! So I took mat leave which has impacted my career. I prioritise seeing my kids whenever I can despite working full time, which further impacts my career. I am undoubtedly paid less for doing my job than I would if I were a man.

And I’m the one my kids want more of. And I have all the societal pressure of feeling that I’m failing them by not spending more time with them.

You can be a I underground driver in Glasgow and the house's are cheaper.

If this is all he has ever going to earn then he simply isn't going to contribute to the family. He's going to have to do it as a hobby and earn money doing something else. This creative work was fine when he was single, but he's not now is he - and you're doing everything!

Doesn’t everyone though? You can’t just magic up incredibly well paid jobs for everyone who wishes they earn more than average.

What you’re talking about are massive luxuries OP: having 2 or 3 children, living in a whole house in London, earning in the top 1%. Careful you don’t get caught in the trap of ‘always wanting better’, when there are good compromises you could find instead. Keep an open mind to ideas.

You can’t have your cake and eat it, as they say.

Eh why are you doing the childcare if you earn that? I don't think he may want another child even if you.move.

I’m confused about the house situation as well. Specifically £250k a year and you can’t afford to do work on your home?
Have you set your sights too high on what work needs doing or do you have insanely large outgoings?
You could set out the works issues and your budget on a new thread and I bet you’d get some good advice.

Wow, he's hit the jackpot hasn't he? Someone else subbing him to live a £250k lifestyle whilst he does his hobby for a job.

I wonder if this thread isn't a windup. Something smells fishy here...

I wouldn't make him give up his dream job. I think you should try to find a different employer who won't refuse you for promotion just because you've been on mat leave, or get a timescale for promotion if you want to stay where you are. And seriously consider moving further out of London. Your husband commuting in to London three days a week does not take him out of family life. And if you get to be more in family life as a result, that balances more fairly.

Also, your DC are still really little. It does get easier, I promise! In even a few years they'll be staying up later, etc. Schools are generally better outside London than I'm what you describe as a shitty area of London too

I earn three times what my partner does. I don’t know why it’s just the luck of the draw I guess.
I can’t believe you have £250k and can’t think of a win/win scenario though.
We have three kids and a nice house in south East London and our household income is about £140k total so much less!

I would look to move further out and get more house for your money but still commutable. Like Canterbury or something about an hour away, that really opens up options house wise.

Then see if you could go down to say 4.5 days or 4 days and work the morning but take the afternoon off once or twice a week. Once things are sorted in the morning I don’t notice if ppl aren’t around in the afternoon really.
Get some home help so you’re not spending quality weekend time doing chores.

I’ve looked at moving back to the North West but the job opportunities and salaries just aren’t comparable.

Unfortunately I know in my role I have to work full time, for our household income and to deliver at work. I don’t resent my husband for it, it’s just a shame his industry/role doesn’t pay more.

I didn’t really have a choice about having a third child in a way, the thought just wouldn’t leave me alone. But I knew really that we’d have more disposable income and free time if we didn’t have a third kid and it has been hard. If he doesn’t like childcare there will be an element of him taking more on with the older ones so the baby can get the attention it needs and that has strained our relationship and can cause a bit of resentment. If you’re on the fence and want financial freedom to cut hours and move house etc don’t have a third.

I know London is expensive but with an income of £250k, surely you shouldn’t be feeling that pinched? Can you look at your outgoings etc? Cos frankly if that’s the size of the pot right now, even your DH earning twice as much would make hardly any difference percentage wise.
Main problem really is that your work is all or nothing. That’s not really your DH’s fault. And frankly who needs promotion if you’re already on £250k and far too busy already?

I agree with this. I've emerged at the other end recently and feel like I can do anything that a man can. It's taken me 15 years (large gap between kids) to emerge though.

Another way of looking at it - what would you do if you were a single parent? Do that.
But protect your career, you'll need it for a long time.

Do you want to stay with him? Do you love him?
You can have baby number three with somebody else. Better circumstances for a family that suit you all. As opposed to current circumstances that suit one person

Like Canterbury or something about an hour away

• *you’re a better person than me if you can manage an extra two hours a day on top of a working day at that level. Five days a week. I would literally be on my knees with exhaustion, and I don’t even have little children.

We do have large outgoings, primarily because of childcare which is £2.5k/month. Then mortgage is £3k/month and that’s only because we managed to fix before rates went mad. Mortgage is massive because we had a small deposit. House is a terrace in zone 3. It is liveable now and we have enough bedroom
space but the kitchen and bathroom are tiny and the extension that would have cost £150k when we bought the house would now cost £350k according to recent estimates.

Obviously we are not struggling and this is all very much first world problems. I make big pension contributions and I also fund other family members.

It’s just the feeling that on paper we’ve done amazingly well but I still feel like everything is hard, and the lack of balance between me and DH that is the issue for me.

He can only afford to live in London because of you. If you were not together what would he do?

Also what does he suggest (I reckon he will suggest that you keep it as it is)?

Can you imagine a bloke on 250k doing all the childcare etc whilst wifey remains free and easy to pop abroad at the drop of a hat!
She would have given up her 25/35 a year job and be a sahm facilitating her higher earner dh career. And that is even if she was at the very top of her game. Even if she earned 80k a year - old hubby would be put first (it’s only fair he has such a hard day at work and we need his income etc).

I hope he pulls his weight fully with housework/childcare/ events etc. If you are picking up his mums birthday card and booking the vaccinations etc that’s crazy (I hope you are not).

Do you need to fund family members?

Do you have help at home? Cleaner/gardener? Do you have a nanny or use a nursery?

Yes, I do re family members, and it’s not a lot in the grand scheme at all.

We have a nanny and a cleaner without whom we could not function.

Oh gosh, OP, so much of this sounds so familiar! I am a few years on (youngest 4) and it is definitely easier and I am glad I kept work going.

If you're not wedded to London, I would push for moving. Near a station so he can get in, if he does 3 days a week that's surely only those 3 days you'll have to be solo on pick up/drop offs etc, which sounds like you often are anyway? You can be proud and supportive of his career without completely carrying it.

I feel you om the house though, I wasn't in love with it when we bought jt and the working planned is also now multiples of the price. Doable sure but just feels like it should be easier