Midlife crisis or DH problem?

[Amidlifecrisis]

I feel a bit stuck and not sure if IABU or not! (Sorry in advance this is a bit long).

I’m mid 30s with 2 small kids (5 and 2). I work full time in a demanding job in the City (of London). DH works in a creative field and is self-employed. I earn 10x what he does but he is one of the best in the world in his career, which is a vocation he has pursued since childhood.

Both of us from poor, working class families who live far away, so no parental help either financially or with childcare. We live in a terraced house in a shitty bit of London. It needs loads of work done which we can’t afford to do now.

I enjoy my job and am excellent at it but have been passed over for promotion because it’s basically a sexist environment and with 2 recent mat leaves/2 small kids I can’t compete with the men who have stay at home wives so future prospects are unclear.

I want to work part time to spend more time with the kids when they are small. I want to have another baby. I want a bigger, nicer house. We could achieve all of these things if we moved out of London, but DH needs to be here for his work. His talent and passion for it is something I have always loved about him. I can’t ask him to stop or do something else but equally I feel like I’m carrying the burden of our entire lives and he essentially gets to live the dream while Im paying for it all, both in financial terms and at the cost of my happiness. I’m penalised at work for being a woman and by society by not being around more for the kids. I feel like the sums don’t add up anymore but I don’t know how to fix it.

Re your workplace, up and out model, part time etc. This reads as though it's 5-10 years ago. I'm not saying there's a perfect solution yet, and I don't know what type of law you practice or what firm of course but firms are finally (slowly) waking up to the fact that there are different ways of working, and the model you're describing is incompatible with family life (even if there's a partner at home shouldering the domestic burden).

I'm in a transactional department, so harder to make this work than in advisory I think, and I won't say my firm has got it right yet, but it's trying to make different working patterns work, eg there are a couple of people with fixed hours / 4 days a week etc. There are increasing numbers of women in my firm who as they get older not only become more senior but also start families, and therefore increasing numbers of women in your position. There are also different progression paths, eg an of counsel type role either as a stepping stone to partnership in some cases or in others where someone might not actually want partnership either because they don't want the other management / BD type elements that come with partnership or because they want to have the time for family life. Working from home 1-2 days a week adds a little bit more flexibility too. Obviously there is a pay cut that comes with fixed hours or 3-4 days a week, but firms are finally waking up to the fact that this old school model is sexist, discriminatory and out dated. If your firm isn't like this there are other city firms out there that are a bit better in this regard.

Oh also re commute - depends where you would move to/trainline but I have just over 1hr on the train but get a seat each way, so can get my laptop out and just treat that hr each way as an extension of my working day at either end if needed. So I find I leave the office a bit earlier, get the train, and carry on working until I get home. So in a strange way is more efficient than a 25-30 min tube ride in London where you can't do anything.

You can find a less demanding and well-paid role in London. You don’t need to move! Plus, moving away means more commuting and seeing your kids less.
I would suggest you discuss what your husband can do to support you more. I work in the City but have the flexibility to do pick-ups, wfh etc. It’s still paid well (£150k), so you have to choose what matters right now when your kids are little. I can move to another bank/fund and get paid way more, but then I wouldn’t see my child, who’s still of primary age. You are doing well, and you had two small kid! Explore what other options you have. Internal legal in a bank/fund/insurance company? Don’t leave London…anything commutable and decent is still ££££ plus you have to rely on ridiculous trains! Everyone suffers from imposter syndrome - it’s how it is! Explore your options :) London is a bit crap currently but it will recover…I hope. I often think of moving away but then travel for work and talk to my colleagues there, and it’s even worse!

You live in London and earn a quarter of a million pounds a year, with a windswept and interesting artist - don’t come and live in the suburbs with the rest of us so you can get a bigger kitchen, own it!

It gets easier as the kids get older, work gets easier as they get older too. You’re in the really hard bit and it’s not advisable to make big life decisions when you’re stressed.

can you get a mentor at work so you can understand where to put your limited time? Can you make peace with yourself that you might not be there for tea time every night but that doesn’t make you a bad mum? I don’t understand why you want another dc, with two you can make it work in a smaller home, three is going to make it so much harder.

It’s also true that DH hasn’t changed and I have, but to be fair I don’t think It’s unusual to completely reset your priorities after having kids.

It wasn't a criticism, it was an observation. It's not unusual, unfair or unreasonable to reset priorities after having DC.

You can get a situation where one person stagnates, while the other grows up and outgrows them.

You can get a situation where both people grow, but they're growing apart, not together.

Successful marriage takes effort, communication, compromise. If one or both is focused solely on what's best for them, mentally effectively acting single, then it's easy to drift apart without realising.

Sometimes the gulf can be bridged and they can come back together and sometimes not. It requires both people to be prepared to change.

If one person won't even have a conversation where they ask the other one for XYZ, due to ABC perceived barriers (that may not be actually there in reality), that's a mindset problem.

If the other won't even have a conversation, listen, consider compromises and acknowledge something isn't working out for their partner meaning things need to change, that's an attitude problem.

From what you've written on this thread I'm not seeing a DH with an attitude problem, I'm seeing an OP with a negative mindset problem. The pair of you need to talk, if you can't do that, get therapy for your negative mindset so you can start asking for what you want/need. If a conversation with DH goes badly and he's stubborn, inconsiderate and refusing to compromise, then come back and I'll happily give you a LTB 😉

Thanks so much everyone. I feel much better already. @SomethingFun you really made me laugh - it’s true I want to move to the suburbs to get a bigger kitchen!

As for why baby 3, I’ve just always wanted and imagined 3. I know it’s not a good idea, but the heart (/hormones!) wants what it wants!

Agree adding a third child will add to stresses. You will probably have to go part time. So the decision will be made. Can't you just move a little further out? Get a newer house that doesn't need as much work? Agree with others that surely he doesn't have to be in the centre 5 days. If it's passion though it will cause issues to stop!

I'd say your salary is amazing. Enjoy it. Have a smaller but nicer house. Commute a little. Do not have a third child. Cherish the two you have. Forget about promotion for now. Really connect with your kids. Network. Men don't promoted just on their hard work.

Op

do you think you will ask your husband to compromise somehow?