Anyone else feel like they wouldn’t want to have a life again?

[Sundaysighs]

Just thinking this, I’m very fortunate, have a good marriage, jobs, adult children who are good people with nice lives. No financial worries.

I had a mixed childhood, some good times but a mother with mental health and alcohol issues, father ‘nice’ but not really caring to our needs, all he wanted was an easy life and no hassle from our mother.

But, I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation. I wouldn’t want to live again, life is generally hard work. Working full time, housekeeping, we have nice holidays but that’s not real life. I just feel like what’s the point in all this, we are born to work unless very lucky. There’s bereavement, loss of loved ones, pets, yes there are high points with births but even that results in the hard work of child rearing.

Im 50 this year, I find it hard to see the point, I feel almost guilty for having children, to bring them into this world where they’ll spend their lives working. They may suffer loss, ill health - who knows?

what’s the actual point to all of this. And I know I’m actually VERY lucky to have a home that’s paid for, a good marriage and no money worries. There are people with far less who probably literally work to be able to live. What’s the point in all of this?

I agree you should get your adult children to help more even if not done initially to your standards and timescale. Alternatively ask them to pay more as you are not helping them or yourself to put yourself last on every occasion. No wonder you are depressed. I would be too if I was struggling with a health issue, working full time then coming home and clearing up and providing for 5 adults with minimal help.

I haven’t read the whole thread.

From a very young age I have hoped that life is over once you’ve lived it. I’ve had a weird family growing up but a wonderful husband and two boys, but I’m not happy with myself as a person at all and can’t think of anything worse than coming back and having to go through it all again.

I’ve been diagnosed with depression and am now on anxiety medication. Life feels like one long battle and masquerade and although I’m looking forward to the future, old age, retirement, seeing what my lovely kids get up to I dread the thought that it might all happen again.

Same here, constantly worrying for my mentally ill, now adult daughter, is not a life I would choose again. I would be happier childless and I love my daughter more than my life.

oh hell no. I really hope this isn't true - just think of the atrocities that have happened to folk, the terror they've been through. And then they'd have to go through it all again... and again...

There's moments in my own life I'd hope never to have to experience again, and these are 'mild' in comparison to what some folk have suffered!

Me! I had an alcoholic father and have been plagued with ill health all through my life. I have a lovely home and family, money in the bank and work part time but my health won't ever change and it truly sucks. Ni amount of counselling will change this, I've accepted my lot but when the time comes I hope to god assisted dying is in place as I'll take it.

A couple of weeks ago there was a thread about adult children living at home. I watched aghast as poster after poster said " You are a parent for life" and said they were happy to have their kids living at home until they were 50.
This is the reality!

But OP there are no medals for martyrdom. Stop doing so much! I have adult kids studying at uni and living at home. I go away for the weekend all the time. They fend for themselves. Why are you cooking so much? Let them fecking live on Pot Noodles for a couple of days. Go away with your hardworking Dh.

Just to reiterate, we do go away when we want and they see to themselves. It’s no good getting them to cook, one works until 6/7pm each evening, another is up at 5am so gets home and is exhausted. Another works until 5.30.
I’m home at 4, DH is a shift worker so he’s often home at 2. He’ll sort washing / iron / change beds etc. I’ll clean on weekends - the ‘kids’ do their own rooms. I do bathrooms and living areas. They don’t even use living areas as their rooms are large and they live in them.
I don’t feel it’s them that makes me feel like this. If they all left home there’d still be the relentless cooking / cleaning/ working but for two instead of 5. Sick of the monotony of life.

Cooking and cleaning for 5 is definitely harder than 2. Let then eat cake! Or boil up some pasta. Or contribute more rent if they won't cook or do laundry or do bathrooms.

I'd like to have another life and do things completely differently. Not that my life is terrible, but I'd like to see how another path would pan out. If possible though I'd start at 18 and skip the school years!

Cant say I agree.

One of my favourite book series is set in the future, and people can clone themselves and then download their memories into the new, young body, essencially living forever.
If you watched Altered Carbon on Netflix, thqats roughly the same thing.

I would JUMP at the chance. I honestly think one life time is too little, and I would love to live forever.

I am 40 and I would happily go back to my 20s and do it again!

That being said, OP, it does sound like you might be a bit depressed... Have you spoken to anyone about it?

What's the name of this book please? Sounds like my sort of thing.

At the moment I'm with you op, life feels like a continual round of jobs, paid work, keeping other people happy with only little patches of happiness in between.

BUT

As somebody suggested upthread that you sound depressed, I strongly suspect that I am a bit...I definitely have things I need to tackle.

@drunkpeacock It is the commonwealth Saga, by Peter F Hamilton. The 2 books are called Pandoras Star and the second Judas Unchained.
There is then the Void trilogy and the Chronicles of the Fallers in the same universe, set in different times.

Thanks @ASGIRC I'll look those up.

Hi OP
I know the point of posting this wasn't to get advice but apologies I'm going to have a go anyway.

I'm not surprised you're fed up! You're full time working and running a house for 4 other adults and it sounds like you're a carer to an elderly relative too! You're bowel condition sounds very wearing also. You must be shattered and deep down quite resentful.

I think you need to rearrange things financially so you can work 3 or 4 days a week instead of full time. I also think it would help if you have a cleaner. If you spent the extra days just pottering / resting I imagine it would help you feel less 'hamster wheelish' and perhaps things will feel a bit brighter.

Your kids are paying far far to little. I'm not saying they're bad kids at all. They don't sound like they're taking the piss and sponging. They work, they're willing to help. BUT if you're on around £160 a week for food that's nearly £700 a month. I personally feel if you're 20 or over living at home working you should AT LEAST pay for the food you eat. The kids need to pay at least £140 a month to pay for the food they're eating (based on £160 x 52 = £8320 then divide by 12 months = £693 then divide again by 5 = £137 per month per adult). I also think they should chip in an extra £20 each towards a cleaner each week. I really don't think asking for this would be unreasonable of you or dent their savings too much they'd still be on a mega bargain!

Can the kids come and help with the elderly relative to give you a break so you're only cleaning there every second week?

Have you looked into if you can get any benefits to help with the costs of your bowel condition? You might get something to help with any specific pads or things you need to manage it.

Sorry if this is all really obvious, but reading your posts it sounds like you're desperate to work less (paid and unpaid work) and I don't blame you ❤️.

Sorry that should say - I don't blame you and it feels like it should be possible xx

I'm honestly not trying to guilt anyone but I've recently started to work for a charity which supports people with a specific limiting illness - its always terminal and usually within 2 years.

I often now feel that life, although not always easy, is a privilege.

My life has been an emotional rollercoaster. So many shocks and struggles. Luckily I seem to be sailing on calm seas now but it has been exhausting. Lots of funs many times. I'm not sure I'd want to go through those bad times again though, I was lucky to come through fairly intact!

Sick of the monotony of life.

So change it then. Your life is in your control. Get a smaller place so there's less cleaning. You're a couple, you only need a one bedroom flat. Downsize and give up work, living off the "spare change" from the sale until pension starts. Or give that money to DC as deposit on a home. They don't need an inheritance when you die, they will benefit more from help when starting out in life.

Stop cooking for 5 and it won't feel so relentless because it won't take as long, no batch cooking on the weekend just a quick meal for you and DH every evening.

Look into the situation with your grandmother, what is her financial situation, does she actually need you to clean or does she just not want to employ a cleaner? If she can't afford a cleaner, is she receiving all the financial help she's entitled to? If you could free up your weekends to actually be a break to rest, you'd not feel it's all so monotonous.

So what that one DC is up at 5.30am and exhausted when they return from work? You're exhausted too. They should be doing chores, everyone should. If they have health condition that's making them exhausted maybe they need to pester the GP for better treatment or find a less draining job, instead of you picking up their slack. Set up a chores rota. You make it sound like them all cleaning their rooms is them doing you a favour. I'll bet you clean your own room too, is that you doing them a favour? Stop taking responsibility for absolutely everything then moaning about it! You're the one doing it to yourself.

30 years ago I was earning £60/week and giving my mum £125/month, like you she had a paid up mortgage. Your DC aren't paying anywhere near enough.

You think you're doing them this massive favour, but if they're decent people they won't want you miserable and overworked and in an early grave. They probably have no idea how you feel. I don't even believe you're doing this for them. Reckon you're doing it for you. A need to be in control? A need to feel needed? Something to guilt them with in old age when you need a carer? Just can't cut the apron strings? If you can work it out, maybe you can do something about it.

I know what you mean. To live all over again would be exhausting, but what if we did that and didn't know or remember anything about past lives, we'd be none the wiser.

It's scary to think what you'd come back as, better, worse or if there is elsewhere or nothing. I guess that's why people have faith, but if you don't, you can't imagine 'nothingness'

It'd be so much easier if we knew for sure what would happen. Life is hard, we do accumulate a lot of loss and sadness. Thinking like this isn't depression, just natural when you've experienced loss and other difficult things. Hard to understand what the point of life is sometimes, everything all seems to revolve around money, all what businesses want, it's what many people need/want.

Have to try and make the most of things while we can.

I do agree that the drudge of chores saps the fun out of life. A great deal of life is work chores rinse then repeat. It is power walking hobbies and a good night's sleep that get me through. I have cut down on caffeine to aid length of sleep as I was very sleep deprived this year before ds found a full time job. Now I have my proper work station back as the house is small so things are improving again. Just waiting for my stress levels to balance out again. Takes longer as we get older.

I get where you are coming from and I think it may be an age thing.Not everyone gets it and I wish I was in the group to not get this feeling frankly.

I did not feel like this a few years ago but around 50 have started to feel the hamster wheelness of life so much more. It is as if I never noticed the rinse and repeat nature of life until my 5th decade and a friend said decline in estregen may be partly to blame as this hormone helps give us that pep that maybe energises us to move from task to task and not question it maybe?
I also see I do not have hobbies and need to develop some as looking after kids has been all consuming for me since 35.

I asked my husband if he would like to go back and live his life again and he said yes and I just thought how tedious it would be to know all that was to come including the bad bits. I feel like I need to change my mindset.
I do admire people who have passions and fill their lives, they have the right idea for sure at getting the most out of life, and I feel like I was more that way when I was younger but now that energy has just dissipated.
When i think about an afterlife I want it for all the lovely people I know who have died but I also think gosh maybe going on and on in any form is not heavenly at all and non existence in itself may be a preferable heaven, because imagine just going on and on for eternity, when you start thinking about that, that gives me a lot of questions about how that might actually be not desirable.

There's definitely a lack of estrogen coming into it.

I'm almost 64, will be renting for the rest of my life, no partner, no children, no siblings, parents dead, don't go anywhere really or do much that is exciting - yet I absolutely love life and would definitely love to have another go at it.

In your own words for a previous post

they just come home from work and chill. DH and I cook, clean, dog walk, wash, iron and keep house

the fact that a 22,22 and 20 are even ok with this let alone that you are - speaks volumes.

as I say I pity their future partners. And I pity you, but also - it’s like this because you and your DH have infantilised them

I love my life but I wouldn't want to go back to the beginning. I'm not depressed - it would just be a lot of hard work for things I've already experienced.