Anyone else feel like they wouldn’t want to have a life again?

[Sundaysighs]

Just thinking this, I’m very fortunate, have a good marriage, jobs, adult children who are good people with nice lives. No financial worries.

I had a mixed childhood, some good times but a mother with mental health and alcohol issues, father ‘nice’ but not really caring to our needs, all he wanted was an easy life and no hassle from our mother.

But, I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation. I wouldn’t want to live again, life is generally hard work. Working full time, housekeeping, we have nice holidays but that’s not real life. I just feel like what’s the point in all this, we are born to work unless very lucky. There’s bereavement, loss of loved ones, pets, yes there are high points with births but even that results in the hard work of child rearing.

Im 50 this year, I find it hard to see the point, I feel almost guilty for having children, to bring them into this world where they’ll spend their lives working. They may suffer loss, ill health - who knows?

what’s the actual point to all of this. And I know I’m actually VERY lucky to have a home that’s paid for, a good marriage and no money worries. There are people with far less who probably literally work to be able to live. What’s the point in all of this?

We run the house quite well between myself and DH so there’s very little housework for any of the children to do, they just come home from work and chill. DH and I cook, clean, dog walk, wash, iron and keep house.

you are doing them no favours op
and certainly not future partners

And no, I could never go away every weekend, that’s when I cook ahead for the week and clean / visit and clean for my elderly grandmother.

not even one weekend?

Yes I would do it again because ultimately I am hopeful and enjoy my life. The thought of dying and leaving my loved ones is scary so doing it all again would be wonderful. Yes life has not always been easy and maybe it helps we are comfortable financially now and live in a nice part of the country and although my DH has health worries they seem to be under control and I am currently fit and healthy. It is a shame so many would be ok with it all ending now.

This is the issue. Your DC are all grown and you want your life back, but you can't have it without kicking them out and you don't want to. That works upto a point, the point where you start feeling resentful. You've reached it. It's not manifesting as hostility towards them but as existential angst, that's all.

Work out what your life would look like if they did all move out tomorrow. Would you downsize? Go part time at work? Take on new hobbies? Do less housework? Get divorced? Start volunteering? Study? Whatever your new life would look like, work out how much it would cost. Work out how much it costs now for your current life. In your current-life calculations include the costs of "you" - eg if you do all the housework for 6 people, include the costs for a cleaner and if you do all the cooking from scratch, include the costs for a home cooked meal provision service.

Give DC the choice to either pay the difference between the costs of your current and ideal lives, or move out. It's fair. You don't have to continue subsidising them in adulthood, with either time or money, when it comes at the expense of your own mental health. If they want life to continue as it is, they have to fund it. This means, for my hypothetical "you" who does everything for everyone, life gets easier as there's now a cleaner and you're not doing all the cooking, plus you get to go part time and have time for hobbies etc.

Or they choose to move out and be skint and struggle, which is a totally normal phase of life to go through and not something you have to protect them from. They could all move out and rent/buy together if they want to keep costs down. Moving out doesn't have to involve owning their own home each, that mindset is what keeps people trapped in situations like yours.

From your posts op it is quite clear that you feel like that because you are still working as hard as when you had small children! You are older and tireder!
I have late teen DCs and they are welcome to live at home as adults BUT having worked extremely hard and sacrificing many things personally, for almost 20 years, (post births) to put them through great schools and support them very well in all their persuits l would not expect to lift a finger once they are adults with good jobs..

I would expect to divide all outgoings 5 ways and each pay their own.
Same with food bill.
All chores to be divided equally, from hoovering to laundry to cooking and cleaning with the younger adults taking on additional harder tasks like gardening...and DIY.

As minimum.

I do understand looking after an elderly relative but this should be divided too so you only do it every 5th weekend.

You are being a martyr. Stop and start going out and finding out what you enjoy .....

I would if I'm reincarnated into a dolphin.. or some aristocratic family and born with the brain of Einstein!

This is just silly. You're doing everything for others (who would willingly pull their weight) and making no time for your own fun. No wonder you're not enjoying life.

Everyone should do their own laundry and ironing (or not iron if they're not bothered by it). Share out the cleaning between the young adults. If you do all the evening cooking due to schedules, its fair that you do none of the cleaning. If the cooking happens at the weekend, why can't the others do it sometimes? Is the dog yours, or shared? If the latter, they can dog walk too, assuming that is a chore more than a pleasure?

If money is tight, ask for a bit more contribution, they could still save and pay much more than they currently do.

With the time saved, you can clean for your grandmother one evening.

This leaves your weekends free and a bit of cash for some lovely trips away. Where do you fancy?

Oh and to answer your question. I like myself and although life hasn't always been good, I enjoy living. I enjoy the possibility of things. I do think humans over complicated life and there's so much we feel we "have to" do or have, that just isn't true. All this slogging our guts out then getting fed up because we believe we deserve more than we've got. How about instead creating a life that works for us, enjoying what we have, and lose the mindset of "I've done x, now I'm owed y". Nobody owes anyone anything and life isn't fair. Even if I got reincarnated as another creature I wouldn't feel bad or see it as a punishment. If I got reincarnated the same person again I might make different choices in reaction to what happens in my life, so there's no certainty my life would be exactly the same again. All we can do is make the best of where we are, including trying to change the parts of life we're not happy with. Same would be true of reincarnation. I don't long to live again or to not live again, but I'm curious about whatever comes after death.

I heard a philosophy on this that I really liked, from the tv show Angel of all places. “If nothing we do matters, then all that really matters is what we do”. As in, if there’s no deeper meaning or grand plan, then what we have is just the series of moments which make up a life, and therefore those moments and how we act in them are really important.

OP you're miserable because your life is just a series of chores for other people. Sit down with your husband and make a plan on how you can both get your freedom back.

Your children are adults, give them notice and tell them to move out - they could even rent a place together.

Then look into your options - part time work, downsizing etc. This is your time to reclaim your life, you don't owe your children more years of drudgery, they wont thank you and you aren't helping them.

Also, why can't one of your children give up their weekends to clean for their great-grandmother, or take it in turns so you have a few weekends off? You don't have to martyr yourself like this.

’kids’ are 22, 22, 20.

We do go on weekends away and have just returned from a week abroad, just the two of us. But that’s not ‘real’ life. I think I need hobbies. DH has footy, golf, darts that he goes to a few times a week. I don’t have anything. I struggle with a bowel condition so I’m always worried about needing the loo which means I tend to talk myself out of going places as it’s easier. It’s difficult to eat out as quite often that will start a flare up.

I just feel tired of the hamster wheel. Just like what’s the point in all of this to have a few bright points through the year.

If reincarnation exists, I want to come back as a much loved family dog. The only thing my dog has to worry about in life is when he can’t find his ball. As a human, no thanks!

Sounds like weekly hobbies are the way forward then. What are you interested in? I sympathise that a bowel condition can be very limiting, but indoor hobbies would presumably be near a loo. Just to throw some ideas out there, maybe a book club, or language class, or table tennis, or a sewing/knitting/art group.

I've had some good experiences in this life and have two lovely children but I wouldn't sign up to do it again. It's been a struggle to stay positive since puberty kicked in and I've had a lot of low points as we all do.

It's part of wo/man's evolutionary psyche to question, reflect and seek meaning in life.

what you're going through, @Sundaysighs is perfectly fine, it's healthy to think about your life, how it's panning out and possibly thinking about opportunities to change things. Nothing in life is fixed or certain, we try to create stability with routine, a roof over our heads, working to pay the bills etc, then life throws stuff at us or our life phase changes and it creates a blip in the routine.

I enjoy the mundane, the ordinary everyday familiarity of life, people, even watching things growing in the garden. Boring to some, but there you go, it would be a dull life if we were all the same

I think it’s a problem with being stuck in a declining degenerating society that seems very static and unable to change. I was just reading about Aneurin Bevan and the difference in opportunity, flexibility and mobility really struck me. (https://news.sky.com/story/nhs-at-75-who-was-founder-aneurin-nye-bevan-12914024)

Life is worth something outside the track we’re all trapped in. I’d want to be a bird if I could be reincarnated though, to be able to move around (pref a big one that doesn’t eat worms 😊).

Nope, nearly 48 here and would love to have a do-over.

The chance to change so many things about my life and put right all the crappy decisions I made in my teens and twenties that have led to my current circumstances would be amazing.

The only thing that would stop me leaping at the chance if a genie popped out of my kettle is the fact I have an amazing DD and she makes all the other shite worthwhile.

Have you explored Buddhism? The four noble truths are

1. there is suffering in the world
2. The cause is desire
3. Suffering will cease when the desire is conquered
4. The way to do it is to follow the noble eightfold path

However , you do sound a little depressed OP so perhaps talk it over with your GP

Are you seriously saying op that your decently paid three children (22 22 and 20) give you a grand total of £150 a month COMBINED and do no chores whatsoever but instead come back from work “and chill”

because if that is indeed the case… you need to tattoo “Martyr” on your forehead

If I’d raised three children to come back from work aged 22 and just chill - whilst their full time working parents do everything, then yes - I too would feel depressed

@chopc

Have you explored Buddhism? The four noble truths are

1. there is suffering in the world

Entirely self inflicted in the OP’s case

1. The cause is desire

the cause is allowing her three adult decently paid children to thoroughly take the piss

1. Suffering will cease when the desire is conquered

suffering will case when the op womans up and her dh mans up - and they start to unravel what presumably is many many years of allowing her children to sit back and not contribute to the family and think it’s ok to get home from work and just “chill” whilst their parents do everything

1. The way to do it is to follow the noble eightfold path

the way to do is to parent up

🤣🤣🤣

I'd feel depressed working full time, unable to give up work because my 3 kids in their 20s pay £150 combined and do fuck all else to help.
I'd be telling them it's time to fly the nest so you can retire!

My ds makes nearly all his meals and pays £250 ,pcm. £50 is a ridiculously low amount even if you don't need it! He also makes his packed lunch for his full time job - he is 18 and is very organised. I really do think these young adults need to do chores. Why don't you have a rota? It will only hit them hard when they do move out.