Does anyone else tend to have rubbish 'big' birthdays?

[CrazilySensitive]

It was my 40th about 2.5 weeks ago. I won't go into details, but it went pear-shaped. I don't place huge emphasis on birthdays. But nonetheless have been grieving it a bit. I would have loved it if it had been a great day. But c'est la vie.
Then, when I thought about it, I realised most of my so-called big birthdays have been pants. My 18th, 21st, 30th and now 40th all had something happen that left me feeling at best underwhelmed, and at worst very disappointed and sad.
Any good birthdays I've had have been unplanned spontaneous ones. I remember my 23rd, I was travelling round Europe and had a wonderful day in Vondelpark in Amsterdam with a load of new friends I'd met in the youth hostel I was staying in. A wonderful day. Unplanned, just kind of happened. That stands out.
But the big ones, always go wrong! I wonder if it's because I want them to be perfect, and overthink them, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy? Also, too high expectations of others around me? People let us down. This year it was my brother-in-law who upset me. Long story.
Anyway, I was curious to know if it's just me who has found this, or if others have been equally disappointed by the very birthdays they particularly wanted to go well? I have a weird relationship with my birthday anyway, and am often a bit anxious round that time.

Plan something for yourself and don't rely on others. I have managed my expectations over the years and these days I would be lucky to get a text from my immediate family saying happy birthday - even the big ones!

I think you need to set these up yourself to a certain extent. I've had fabulous big birthdays because I have booked them myself and invited people along. I have a big birthday next week and we (me and DH) are going to a lovely European destination for a long weekend. I will also be having a BBQ for local friends, lunches with other special people and DH has booked a couple of things he knew I'd like to do. I'm having a birthday month

Oh gosh, I'm sorry. Not even a text.
Yes, I need to manage my expectations. Actually I don't like big parties or huge fuss. But do like to be treated with extra kindness and patience etc. If that doesn't happen (as this year) I get most upset. But maybe I need to manage that expectation even, and just be extra kind to myself instead?
I'm sure I'll get over it eventually, but currently still sore.
My 30th was actually totally disastrous, and I did eventually recover!

@TheDogsMother that sounds wonderful. I need to learn from you! I hope you have a wonderful time 😊

Oh, I know what you mean. I know people say we can do something for ourselves etc, and of course that's true. But nothing beats kind gestures to us from others. I hope it, and other birthdays before and after it, end up being happy occasions for you

Me and DH are fairly relaxed about birthdays, even big ones. He is 70 later this year and people have been asking him what he's doing for it and he usually says 'nothing much'. He definitely doesn't want a big party so will probably do different things with various friends.

for my part, I really dislike being the centre of attention so like things low key - for my 50th we went to our favourite place in Greece and I spent a lazy day by the pool with a lovely dinner and drinks in the evening. My 60th last year coincided with our friends' wedding. We were invited to the pre-wedding dinner where they surprised me with a cake and gifts, and my actual birthday was spent driving home before a curry with friends in our village in the evening. A lovely day.

Awww thank you @CrazilySensitive. I'm staring a big big number in the face so I am going to party through it 🤣

@TheDogsMother that's a wonderful attitude you have to embracing life and getting older etc. I've started getting very coy about my chronological age. Though I wonder if that'll go when I get older still? I guess I'm now that in between stage. I wonder if I'll feel better able to embrace it all and celebrate with gusto, angst-free when I'm at the 'sod it!' stage?! Which I guess happens at different times for different people?
I love your attitude anyway. Very positive and affirming...

Sorry, only just read your post (having a read through the thread, and realise there's some I missed)
Ah, glad your 43rd was good. Maybe if we manage one good one a decade at least, we can count that as a replacement for the rubbish 'big' ones?! Funnily enough, I had a reasonably nice day for my 39th. Very low-key, but nice. I guess that was the start of my 40th year, so maybe I'll count that instead!
You're right about the pressure and expectation etc. Also, yes, I'm not living the life now that I thought I'd be at all. That's definitely part of it

I think you may over-expect "kindness". I will text/call a friend on their birthday, I may even drive by to drop off a card/present if they are not celebrating big but I woudn't go out and organise a party/day out/afternoon tea unless the partner or child would ask for help.

What do you understand of a kind gesture?

For me a birthday is first a thing I celebrate with family, organised by myself, if I want to. My partner is not a mind reader. I would feel hurt if he would ignore my birthday because we acknowledge them as a family but apart from a small gift (from a list, after disasterous presents in the past) and being there for maybe cake in the afternoon/dinner in the evening depending on the day I don't know what else I want. We are not a family doing big displays, not even for DD.

@BringItOnxxx no, I'm not one for big fuss either.
What I mean by kindness is more like nice words expressing appreciation etc. I mean harmony and peace. I got very upset by something someone said/did to me this year on my recent birthday, and then didn't feel tolerated after I got upset. I ended up feeling embarrassed and it just generally didn't go to plan. That's the kind of thing I mean. But of course it could mean different things for different people.

I haven’t celebrated my birthday for 20 years. I don’t see the point and i have bad memories of previous ones. Its nothing to do with anyone else

Im happy (more than happy!) with it but others seem to think its sad. Im sad if they give me a card because they don’t respect my wishes. What’s wrong with someone not celebrating?

people have expectations of grandeur with birthdays. Social media certainly doesn’t help when its all balloons and garlands and 50 gifts 50 days before your birthday.

I'm happy (more than happy!) with it but others seem to think its sad. Im sad if they give me a card because they don’t respect my wishes. What’s wrong with someone not celebrating?
I hear you. Took me years to get it through to people but in my mid-40s people finally respect it and I've just had a birthday with zero cards, presents and not so much as a whispered greeting. Just as I like it!

Take control and plan something yourself that doesn’t rely on others. I’ve never really had an amazing birthday, I’m single now and my DD is almost an adult so for my 40th birthday next year I’ve just booked a trip to Las Vegas, somewhere I’ve always wanted to go. I invited my friends without any expectation that they would come due to the cost and time off etc, but thought one or two might be up for it. There are now 9 of us going! I can’t wait.

Yeah -18th first boyfriend had just died. 21st best friend had just died.
30th was a new mum with abusive H who wouldn't let me see my family. 40th was the pandemic...

Am not going to even think about my 50th !

It hasn't stopped me feeling that birthdays are important though, but in a low key way. Losing several very close friends and a boyfriend before my mid twenties means I have never take longevity for granted, a year older is a cause for celebration to me. But it's something low key with the family each year. When I was a single mum with little children I chose activities they would enjoy, on the basis of they had a fun day out then I would 😆

@SweetSakura sorry you haven't had much good fortune with your 'big' birthdays.
But glad to hear you enjoy the others and have lovely family days. I agree that life is such a gift and to me it's nice to just do something mindfully in honour of being alive. Even if just a very little thing. But I get anxious around the time and don't like a big fuss. Just a day filled with kindness 😊

@SweetSakura I'm so sorry about your ex-boyfriend and your friend 😔