Does anyone else tend to have rubbish 'big' birthdays?

[CrazilySensitive]

It was my 40th about 2.5 weeks ago. I won't go into details, but it went pear-shaped. I don't place huge emphasis on birthdays. But nonetheless have been grieving it a bit. I would have loved it if it had been a great day. But c'est la vie.
Then, when I thought about it, I realised most of my so-called big birthdays have been pants. My 18th, 21st, 30th and now 40th all had something happen that left me feeling at best underwhelmed, and at worst very disappointed and sad.
Any good birthdays I've had have been unplanned spontaneous ones. I remember my 23rd, I was travelling round Europe and had a wonderful day in Vondelpark in Amsterdam with a load of new friends I'd met in the youth hostel I was staying in. A wonderful day. Unplanned, just kind of happened. That stands out.
But the big ones, always go wrong! I wonder if it's because I want them to be perfect, and overthink them, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy? Also, too high expectations of others around me? People let us down. This year it was my brother-in-law who upset me. Long story.
Anyway, I was curious to know if it's just me who has found this, or if others have been equally disappointed by the very birthdays they particularly wanted to go well? I have a weird relationship with my birthday anyway, and am often a bit anxious round that time.

My mum phoned me on my 21st and told me that on her 21st she attempted suicide by putting her head in the oven. That was probably my best ever birthday phone call. Thanks mum. (If I sound callous it’s because she has form, but that’s for another thread)

You don't sound callous at all. Your mum should not have told you that on your birthday

No because I plan and do what I want

Yes, funnily enough, I usually do that. Something simple like a walk, with Netflix in the evening or something. Low-key and manageable. Generally then I love the next day. Have a 'I got through it!'. feeling. But the big ones, I arrange a bit more for and they go wrong! I didn't feel happy the day after this year. I felt sad it had gone wrong, and have felt a bit sad since. I know it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. But I guess I can't help how I feel.
I'll do something nice and peaceful next year, and welcome the new decade then instead maybe.
I think your strategy sounds like a good one.

Oops, just realized the time! Got to get ready for work. Will respond to any new posts a bit later...

I'm not into big birthdays. I don't have a big circle of people so (if I'm not working) I'd go for a pub lunch with immediate family.

When my dad turned 70 he went to India with my mum for a holiday!

Utterly spiteful. I hope your day improvises as that's a foul way to start it off.

What a strange and aggressive response.

Birthdays are really important for me even as an adult in my 30's, and I also place value on friends and family birthdays as a chance to celebrate them. Most people I know are similar.

OP I'm sorry you have had bad experiences but don't let it cloud your expectations for your 50th, these things can be a bit random and we can see patterns where there aren't really any. Perhaps your expectations do play a part though - a birthday is still just a day in your life and it will likely not be perfect.

Mine are more funny (especially after the sad stories here.. so sympathy all round d)

My 16th, 18th and 21st birthdays were all exams.

25th... heavily pregnant, husband away for work, alone in a foreign country where his work had sent him to live but was constantly travelling)

30th... my friends found out a few days before (living in a different country.. loved this one!) So threw a party for me. That was fun.

35th... we had arranged a day out... but DH had an accident at work (250 miles from where we live) so I spent my birthday driving to him with kids in tow.

It's my 60th on Monday and I'm keeping it low key. Meeting with different friends/family at a local pub and a get together in the garden on Saturday. I don't like presents but I'm hoping for a cake and balloons 😊

My big birthdays have all been shit. My must recently - 43rd - was the best!

Think there’s something about the weight of too much pressure/expectation around big birthdays. Plus a lot rests on how your life is going generally at the time, which doesn't always correlate to these milestones.

I like birthdays just with my husband. We always go away around that time as our birthdays are close. I hate parties!!!

Yes, the odd thing is that I'm usually the least argumentative person on Earth. But a tiniest thing can go wrong on my birthday and I massively overreact! Then the other person responds in kind, and it gets worse, and I end up feeling sad. I should maybe lower my expectations?!
I think it's partially an expectation issue here and perhaps you think that a birthday celebration being perfect is a measure of how much people value you.
Maybe you don't need to lower expectations overall or change the idea of celebrating, but do need to roll with the bumps a little bit more.

Yes. My 30th I was undergoing fertility treatment. 40th recovering from complex operation.
21st and 18th - went out rather than party as couldn’t organise one and parents weren’t bothered to do that. These were fun but would have preferred something different.
ive had other awful birthdays too - major bereavement on one, in hospital with my child on another (on the sepsis pathway so very scary).
i get it OP xx

My 18th was alright - we went out clubbing.
My 21st was shit because I'd just been dumped by the bloke is been casually seeing for the previous 4 years. I went to the local wmc with my mum and stepdad and cried.
My 30th was lovely because I went to York with now dh and we kissed at the top of the minster.
My 40th was as good as it could be since I was recovering from a chest infection so all I could manage was that we went for a short walk somewhere local.

I often wonder if there's too much emphasis placed on the so-called "big" birthdays which then means they can only end up being a disappointment.

Also, I consider myself a grown up but still enjoy a cake, with candles, on my birthday and for people to sing at me. You don't stop enjoying stuff just because you turn 18.

I’ve never done anything but I’ve never really had friends. My 18th I went to the Harvester with my Dad, ditto my 21st.

My best was my 25th. I’d met a lovely group of women though ds playgroup, we all went out for lunch and then stayed out for drinks. But a year later, we moved across the country and as you do, we lost touch.

I’m 43 now and never come close to that again.

My 40th was memorable as I was 9 weeks pregnant and HG had me laying in a dark room with a a bucket by my head unable to move, and later that day, I was admitted to hospital for the first of many rounds of IV fluids, so that was fun.

I don’t really mind though, I don’t celebrate my birthday anyway, I don’t want or expect presents or cards. I only have a cake for the sake of the children who get excited about getting me one.

My poor mum. There’s always a massive life drama going on around the time of her birthday which totally overshadows it.

21st birthday - parents divorce resulting from an affair
30th birthday - her own divorce
40th birthday - her stepfather died from an aggressive disease
50th - covid

Luckily she’s not the birthday type!

I think we put too much emphasis on big birthdays so they tend to be an anti climax. Unless you do something you've really wanted to. It's a bit like New Year's Eve, it enforced fun that will never be as good as something spontaneous. I now tend to go away for my birthday, if it's somewhere I've always wanted to go I'll make sure this is the place I visit on a big birthday (my 50th was 10 nights in the Maldives). Make more of the holiday and less of the actual day.

Your username is full of spelling mistakes- did you know?

I'm the same OP. I've learnt to plan something myself if I want a good birthday.

I have rubbish big birthdays, people always fail to turn up or at last minute say they can’t make it. So this year I went to Paris. It was fantastic. Next year, not a big birthday, I will be planning a trip to the theatre. If I don’t ask other people to do something then I won’t feel bummed out when it doesn’t work out.

Yes I think it's the expectation of others on a "big" birthday. Since having nippers our birthdays seem to be doing stuff they like, think take away pizza cinema but next year we both have a big birthday.

H has suggested Hawaii to be super flash, just the family. I intend to not let him wriggle out of this!

Bit like Boxing Day is so much better than Christmas Day.

I spent my 40th alone in Berlin and had a wonderful time. I find it very odd grown adults having birthday parties but am well aware that I’m in the minority.

Belated happy birthday, OP.

It's OK to want nice birthdays.

In my experience the people we would like to organise special birthdays for us don't always know what we want. I tend to organise something bigger than usual but still fairly casual for any birthday I particularly want marked. For my 30th I organised a meal in a restaurant in London and invited about 20 friends and relatives. I made it somewhere quite cheap so people could easily afford it, and it was lovely.

I also, like you, had a randomly lovely birthday one year in Amsterdam. Maybe the key to having a nice birthday is to go away for a few days or book something nice with just one or two people you love and know will show up.