Does anyone else tend to have rubbish 'big' birthdays?

[CrazilySensitive]

It was my 40th about 2.5 weeks ago. I won't go into details, but it went pear-shaped. I don't place huge emphasis on birthdays. But nonetheless have been grieving it a bit. I would have loved it if it had been a great day. But c'est la vie.
Then, when I thought about it, I realised most of my so-called big birthdays have been pants. My 18th, 21st, 30th and now 40th all had something happen that left me feeling at best underwhelmed, and at worst very disappointed and sad.
Any good birthdays I've had have been unplanned spontaneous ones. I remember my 23rd, I was travelling round Europe and had a wonderful day in Vondelpark in Amsterdam with a load of new friends I'd met in the youth hostel I was staying in. A wonderful day. Unplanned, just kind of happened. That stands out.
But the big ones, always go wrong! I wonder if it's because I want them to be perfect, and overthink them, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy? Also, too high expectations of others around me? People let us down. This year it was my brother-in-law who upset me. Long story.
Anyway, I was curious to know if it's just me who has found this, or if others have been equally disappointed by the very birthdays they particularly wanted to go well? I have a weird relationship with my birthday anyway, and am often a bit anxious round that time.

I hate the big birthdays (one coming up) and always sabotage them ...... the prospect of people making a fuss is anathema offset by a secret hope that people will.

I think we push ourselves to have a great big birthday as a milestone event. And that was even before Insta and other social medias became a thing. And I think we expect others to read our minds and do what we hope. No, that's not how it works, I organise my own day.

30 - we only recently move and I didn't know anyone well enough to do a party so DH and I had a great meal out.

40 - joined party with my best friend. Lovely but I knew already I wouldn't do it again as it just wasn't my thing.

50 - I took two friends for an overnight city break. We had a really low key time but it was fabulous. DD was on a Scout camp and DH had peace for 36 hours. Win for everyone.

I personally think birthdays are not. just for children. Life would be boring if we don't celebrate. us as well.

Love it!

I find it interesting that as children, we tend to plan our own birthdays (with help from our parents) - we choose what we want to do, what food we have and who to invite - but as adults we seem to expect someone else to step in and magically know what we want to do and where we want to go.

I've always organised my own birthdays and I've never been disappointed. Some years I don't want to do anything so I'll arrange a takeaway (DH pays). Some years I'll pick a nice restaurant. In the past I've arranged to go out for drinks with friends and colleagues - but again I've picked the location and the date and who comes along.

I wouldn't know where to start if someone wanted to me organise their birthday - I'd be absolutely clueless and terrified of getting it wrong - inviting the wrong person or picking the wrong food etc.

It may be due to the difference between expectation and reality.

When you plan , the expectation of having a great time is high. Even if the party turns out to be reasonably good it will feel disappointing because it doesn't match expectation.

Conversely a reasonably good, but unplanned, party can feel great because you compare with respected to zero expectations.

Yeah. It doesn't have to be a massive showy deal but it does have to be kind.

I'm with you OP my big birthdays have always been blighted

30th heavily pregnant with first baby, couldn't drink or move really

40th had my gall bladder out the day after then DH went to a festival on his own and left me with the kids

50th recovering from huge cancer surgery so no huge party but still celebrated (mainly being alive and 50!)

Maybe my 60th will be the big one :-)

Yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head. There's a part of me that just wants to ignore it altogether, and another part that feels bitterly disappointed if people don't indulge me a bit! I always feel confused about what to think - part of me telling myself it doesn't matter, and another part really wanting to celebrate!

I hope your birthday coming up is a good one. That you're made to feel treasured and special, and that the day is filled with lovely things 😊

My 40th turned out to be a damp squib as I was suffering with a dry socket after an extraction. Plus it was snowing & we weren’t able to travel to my DBro’s for a party. My 50th started off well but rapidly went downhill due to DH’s behaviour sadly. Also I was upset that some of my friends didn’t bother arranging anything ( they always do for others in our group) & I ended up organising a spa day & nobody even offered to pay for me. One of the friends in that group bought me some cheap body lotion. I had always contributed to presents for my friends ( we usually bought a voucher) so that really rankled. It hurt a few years later to find out that a couple of the group had taken another member to a hotel for the night on their 50th, complete with dinner & cocktails. I wouldn’t have gone as I had fallen out with that friend but it was just the contrast with my special birthday. I think I’ll just go away for my 60th!!

I’ve learned to not expect anything. It’s a day to get through.

my 30th we had small children’s so dh had arranged for his mum to babysit while we went for a meal. Nothing special. Only for his mum to ditch us as his golden child sister needed a lift somewhere, so we did nothing.

my 40th I didn’t even go there. Mid week so everyone was busy.

i remember as a child though thinking everyone pretended that birthdays were special, but nobody actually respected that.

Bless you.
Yes, I hope you have a wonderful 60th, and lots of other lovely birthdays too.
Funnily enough, I often wonder if by 60 I'll feel much calmer about it all. They say 60 is the new 40 😉

I'm 40 this summer. I think I just want my family to make me feel really loved and celebrated. And maybe give me a bit of a break.

@CrazilySensitive thank you, I'm still 50 so 60 is a long way off, it's funny how things work out but it doesn't really bother me, I'm hoping 51 this year will be special for other reasons

I have lovely birthdays, but they are fairly quiet. In our family we just do lovely food and go somewhere nice on the day itself or a weekend day. I think if you set the bar at 'exciting' it can be hard to acheive it as an adult. I tend to aim for 'cosy' and that has worked very well.

The planing of either adult's birthday is always a joint matter, so it is never left to the one to make it all happen. Partly because I do not like surprises!

I agree if you had a rubbish birthday you should arrange a treat for yourself, whatever that would be for you.

I had my 50th not long ago and decided to take control and do what I actually wanted, had a lovely party the way I wanted it. I've been disappointed before waiting for others to step up. There is nothing wrong with organising a party or sofa day or weekend away for your 40th in next couple of months? You do what makes you happy , as per PP illustrates , life is too short not to

I always feel overlooked as it’s Dps dad’s birthday 4 days after and he is 30 years older. On my 40th he was 70th etc. Dps mum organises a special family thing for him which is very much focused on him. Dp does nothing out of the ordinary for me as we need to go to his dads thing. 🙄

Thank you. Yes, I actually prefer autumn as a season. I'm really busy now for a few weeks. So maybe I'll have a nice day doing something in September or October. I'm glad to hear you had a good birthday 😊

Oh that's unfair on you. I definitely think you should choose another day later in the year to be a special one x

Yes, actually, I far prefer cosy to exciting. Funnily enough, I often wish my birthday was in autumn or winter! Most people would envy a June birthday, and I used to love it; but recent years have been hotter in June, and a bit too much. I think I'd prefer a cosy day in front of a fire! I'm all about autumn and winter, which I know is weird!

My birthday is the end of August OP. It’s always rubbish. Partly because people are on holiday and partly because dh was born in the same year 4 months earlier.
Everyone pushes the boat out for his birthday and can’t be bothered for mine.
I’ve given up on having a nice birthday.

Yes, I have totally rubbish big birthdays, so I hear you op! From memory, my 18th was good, but it's been all downhill big-birthday-wise from there:
30th arranged for friends & family to join me in town where my friend had a regular DJ slot. He'd had to move to a different location that w/e as his usual place was being decorated. New place had a band who had NF fans playing first. When I arrived he was playing Abba tunes in an attempt to get them to leave. They didn't - we did!
40th completely eclipsed by Milennium
50th arranged big party & massive snowfall that w/e (it hadn't snowed on my birthday since I was 6!) meant loads of people cancelled as couldn't travel.
60th had a disciplinary at work for something really trivial plus it was lockdown.
Pants, I've given up! Considering celebrating big wedding anniversaries instead!

I wonder as well if much of it is linked to the illusion of adulthood? I know I can only speak for myself here; but I have major imposter syndrome re adulthood! I'm pretending to be a grown-up, but don't feel like one at all! Birthdays can stir up all that stuff...

On my 50th my DP took me somewhere that had a deal on rather than asking me exactly where I wanted to go. It was ok but my blouse was way too tight (my fault), music too loud, daughter was trying to hold back from being fussy about food because it was my birthday and I had breast cancer but didn’t know.

What a miserable life you lead

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can also pick a day to do something you love x