Does anyone else tend to have rubbish 'big' birthdays?

[CrazilySensitive]

It was my 40th about 2.5 weeks ago. I won't go into details, but it went pear-shaped. I don't place huge emphasis on birthdays. But nonetheless have been grieving it a bit. I would have loved it if it had been a great day. But c'est la vie.
Then, when I thought about it, I realised most of my so-called big birthdays have been pants. My 18th, 21st, 30th and now 40th all had something happen that left me feeling at best underwhelmed, and at worst very disappointed and sad.
Any good birthdays I've had have been unplanned spontaneous ones. I remember my 23rd, I was travelling round Europe and had a wonderful day in Vondelpark in Amsterdam with a load of new friends I'd met in the youth hostel I was staying in. A wonderful day. Unplanned, just kind of happened. That stands out.
But the big ones, always go wrong! I wonder if it's because I want them to be perfect, and overthink them, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy? Also, too high expectations of others around me? People let us down. This year it was my brother-in-law who upset me. Long story.
Anyway, I was curious to know if it's just me who has found this, or if others have been equally disappointed by the very birthdays they particularly wanted to go well? I have a weird relationship with my birthday anyway, and am often a bit anxious round that time.

@PrinceHaz I hope you're doing well now. Take care x

That's exactly it. You've articulated it perfectly! I don't expect bells and whistles, but just want kindness and tolerance.
I've had a life somewhat plagued by mental health struggles, especially severe OCD, and honestly go a bit bonkers around my birthday, and just need to be indulged a bit once a year! Indulged a little bit more on the big ones ideally, but it didn't happen.
I always treat other people like queens/kings on their special days. I guess projecting, but I think it's a nice thing to do anyway - to help people feel loved...

I love my birthday but tend to have low key celebrations. 30th and 40th were distinctly underwhelming though. On my 30th we had just moved house a few months before and I had a 4 month old baby so didn’t really want to do anything.

Then the day before my 40th was spent in A&E, gallstones, after which I was put in a very low joy fat diet and sort of spoiled the outing we had planned on the next day. As a bonus, it also spoiled my husband’s 50th 3 weeks later as the surgery to remove the gallbladder was the day before that.

Our birthdays are usually just spending the day together and a meal out with family anyway but that year the mood was all wrong.

What a nasty, spiteful post.

OP I know what you mean, I've had some fabulous birthdays but never seem to have any money around the times of the truly big ones so they slide past barely noticed!

I had big parties on my 21, 30 and 40. The first and the last weren't really quite what I'd had in mind, in the end. My 30th was great but I didn't really involve anyone else in planning that, just booked a room and invited people and had a blast.
Just before my 40th my DH and I had night away while my parents had the kids. That was the best bit of the whole thing and in the end I wished I'd only done that really.
Expectation vs reality is the key. I had a great 20th as had a spontaneous meal out that went really well, with a real range of people some who I hadn't expected to be there.
That's the reason you loved your birthday abroad - few expectations and what you did passed them significantly.
Plan small and sometimes things will take you by surprise xxx

I think its best to take control of your own birthday - do something you enjoy without feeling obliged to invite others if you don't want to or having to do something just because you feel you ought to.

I spent my 40th with a close friend rather than dp and dd as dd was only a baby, we had no childcare, I was sleep deprived and wanted a night away in a nice hotel.

I spent my 50th with my another close friend skiing. It was term time so dp and dd couldn't come. Skiing is my favourite holiday.

Not conventional to spend birthdays without family but very happy I did what I wanted rather than what I felt was expected.
And that way the 'family lunch' we did a few days before my birthday was just icing on the cake and I wasn't expecting it to be a big celebration. No drama, no disappointment, no stress for dp, no grumpy dd ruining the day etc.

I have fabulous big birthdays. For my 40th and 50th I planned a party for a few days before my birthday and they were such fun. They weren’t huge, 26 guests and 18 for the other.
I also went on really good holidays either on the actual day or I a day or two before.
For my 50th I planned so many treats for myself on the day while I was in holiday, a massage, concert, slap up meal with an amazing view etc.

pretty much most of my birthdays have been shite.

bad stuff always seems to happens, I found out my dad had terminal cancer on my 30th birthday, he died six days later

i also found out my husband had cancer yep on my birthday 2 years ago.

last years birthday all the kids were arguing and no one gave a shit (virtually non existent extended family apart from my mum and she is I’ll and has never been arsed about my birthday)

this year my kids bar one ignored my birthday and I had the sum total of 3 cards!

if you have a dp, some friends, or your children that do acknowledge your birthday and make you feel a little bit loved, you don’t need parties or big events.

im 50 in 4 years. I know that people in my life won’t care so I’m pleasing myself!

Thank you @Sunglassescase . Maybe we should decide the big ones aren't that big, and enjoy the others more? It's all societal anyway. I'm glad to hear you've had lots of great other birthdays though 😊

Isn't it just? So many of these types of comments lately. All wanting to get in first and tell the poster to 'grow up' or that she's being 'childish', even on Chat threads.

It's 'shitty first response syndrome' and a growing problem.

@blackheartsgirl I hope you have a wonderful 50th, and the others before that. Sorry to hear of your birthday history. I hope they get way better for you in future...

As long as I can rember, I only get one birthday cake in my tenth birthday, and after that, I spend all my birthdays alone.
After graduating and getting a job, I always took a day off and lay on my bed, linstening to music and making my brain blank.
But there is one birthday, I preorder a music box at about march, it should be delivered to me in june, but it delayed for some reason. I almost forgot it. But when it came to November, the music box arrived on the day, which was my birthday, and I felt so excited that I can still feel it right now

Aww, that's lovely @simplewxh and a little gift from the universe to help heal your other birthday sadnesses maybe? I'm so glad you had a good one that year. Hope you have many more lovely birthdays in your life. Take care x

Thank you all so much for your responses. Most of them have been very healing and helpful 🥰
I want to respond to more of them, but have to get back to work now. I'll check in later. Thank you again

My husband was pretty ill over my 40th. So it passed without much.
Still a bit disappointed and it was a while ago.
I don't do much and wouldn't have had a party. But like some effort put in.

@CrazilySensitive thankyou 💐

Thank you.
Fortunately dh likes to do something for our anniversary so I usually enjoy that more.

Yes, I agree about too much emphasis on big birthdays. Who decided which ones are 'big' anyway? Maybe I'll start my own tradition of celebrating more the ones with 2 on the end of something?! Rather than 0.
I agree about New Years Eve. Funnily enough, I nearly always go to bed early these days on NYE. I can't bear the pressure. I really like New Years Day to go well though. If something bad happens on New Years Day I feel upset, much like I do if birthdays go wrong. I think I'm slightly superstitious about it - I feel New Years Day and birthdays have to go well, or the year will go wrong! I realise that's a bit bonkers 🤭 It's probably my OCD at play...
Your birthday holidays sound wonderful!

Ooh, Happy 60th Birthday for Monday!
I hope you have a wonderful day - filled with cake and balloons 🎂🎈

I hope that you are treated with kindness on all your future birthdays :)

I agree op. I always make a big deal of birthdays and I’ve always enjoyed mine, but the ‘big ones’ were nothing. So many of my friends have done cruises, trips to NY, Michelin starred meals and weekends away. Me? Just the usual. Cards and cake. Perfectly nice but I thought the big ones would be riotous. I tried to organise a party for my 50th but my family weren’t enthusiastic and I realised we couldn’t actually afford it. Boo. Rubbish. ☹️

Thank you 😊

Sorry about your 50th. I'm glad to hear you enjoy the others. I actually think they're just as special anyway. The idea of 'big birthdays' for specific number units, is 100% societal. Interesting that I'm not the only one whose so-called big birthdays end up not being big at all.
So I say, here's to the 'normal' birthdays! And indeed whichever day you choose to celebrate the wonderful gift of life 🎉🥳

18th - grandparents paid for a party, loads of people couldn’t come because someone else in my year found out and arranged hers for the same evening.

21st - two exams, friends decided they wanted to go out somewhere I wasn’t all that interested in and by the time we got there it was one in, one out. My bf and I ended up not getting in whilst they all went ahead without us so I was home and bored by 11.

30th - probably the only decent one, we went to Brussels for the weekend.

I’m 40 in a couple of years and I’m so over hearing stories at work about how various guys have treated their wives to amazing days out or holidays. I’ll be lucky to get a lie in.

I’m 40 in a couple of years and I’m so over hearing stories at work about how various guys have treated their wives to amazing days out or holidays. I’ll be lucky to get a lie in

Don’t wait around to be treated or not, you have a couple of years to plan something for yourself.