Newly Weds, baby or enjoy couple time first?

[pastrio]

This will be us soon and I am very broody and have been for years. Our parents are not getting younger & we have been so excited to start a family for ages now, but we are trying not to be naive and from reading posts on here about how difficult and life altering people find parenthood. Some posters seem like they will never have fun again! It makes me wonder if we are wearing rose tinted glasses and should make the most of couple time first, holidays, lazy lie ins, two fulltime incomes and so on.

We ourselves are young (still both in our 20s) but I also like the prospect of having lots of energy, and wonder if its maybe wiser to not get too accustomed to lots of holidays and splashing the cash. As I mentioned we really value our support network as neither of us have siblings to rely upon so it would be great if our parents were as young as they could possibly be so they can be active in our child/children’s life. We likely only want one, possibly two if this alters the answers I’m not sure

What would / did you do and would you change it?

Confusion101 · Today 16:16

You know you can still travel with a child 💕
Show quote history
I used to think this but everyone says how awful it would be and that we must be out of our minds!

It’s not awful, it’s wonderful but it is expensive.

Tbh there are pros and cons to every age when it comes to starting a family.

I had mine in my early 20s which would not have worked out well at all for many. As it was despite starting off unplanned and a bit of a shock, I really believe it was the best thing for us and I love the fact that both my kids will be adults when I’m 40!

there are downsides though.
Generally less money than older parents. We were fine, brought a house, paid for lots of extra curricular classes and stuff but couldn’t give the kids foreign holidays etc when they were very small and they had to share a bedroom until youngest was 6. Did feel somewhat like I missed out on being free to do whatever I wanted at the drop of a hat. Less confidence when dealing with professionals.

the pros for me were. More energy to cope with a very sleepless dd2. I’m 38 now and I think the lack of sleep would kill me 😂 or I’d kill everyone else as I’m a miserable cow without sleep these days. Young grandparents. DHs mum now has dementia and wouldn’t have had the relationship she has with my dds if I’d have been older having them. Not being so far removed from their generation (though perhaps this is sometimes a curse). Didn’t have to interrupt my career with mat leave. I only trained as dd2 was leaving primary and now have years of uninterrupted working years ahead of me.

theres nothing wrong with wanting kids in your 20s, there are many positives to it so long as you’re happy to live with the negatives. It’s just personal preference.

I was going to say go for it now until I read your post saying you feel as if you have one more trip to do. Now I’d say wait at least year.

I was 26 & 27 I think when ours arrived. Yes it is a completely life altering experience becoming a parent for the first time. But we were financially secure, I was broody with a family history of early menopause, DH was older and we just cracked on.

I am 40 now, with a teen and near teen, DH and marriage intact. There have been hard times too, but never anything serious.

The DC are now very independent, sleep late (hurrah!), enjoy whatever holidays we go on etc. They are expensive though, but that happens whether you have them in your 20s or 40s.

There's no way I want another baby now though!

Babies came along mid-late 30s. By which time we'd been together 15y, had many a jaegerbomb, travelled 40+ countries and had all sorts of fab experiences and adrenaline junkiness, lived and worked abroad, changed careers, married, bought a house and halved the outstanding mortgage term as well as topping out our pensions. It was a great life!

Now with babies, we haven't been abroad in 3y (COVID partly), DH has taken on more responsibility at work as he is very aware of being the breadwinner and providing for his family, which means he is hugely stressed and away on biz trips a lot. Our parents health's have deteriorated which has grounded us too so we see them a lot while we can.

Glad we waited. I have the resources and patience to parent nowadays. Glad we got to enjoy ourselves and play first too. If we'd have had kids first and waited to play in our 40s, well our parents health would likely have still grounded us, so we would have missed the opportunity to play.

Play first! Babies later!

Personally I’d go for it. Most people haven’t done all that by their twenties, which is why it’s important to wait. If you both have, are financially secure and genuinely ready to give up everything then I wouldn’t wait. I started testing at 27 which was very very young compared to most of my friends. I’m in my thirties and only recently pregnant with my second due to infertility. It was a great time. I’d go earlier if anything!
(I say this as someone also very financially stable and traveled a LOT in my teens and early twenties).

I personally think a lot of people wait until 30s because they feel they have to. I know a few people who married in their twenties and said they were waiting until at least 30 because they thought they should.

Make sure you are both 100% happy in your jobs so you have all the options once baby is here. Also it can create a real identity crisis so make sure there is no room for regrets!

I didn't have my DD until I was 32, I'm now 34 and expecting another.

I have absolutely no regrets about waiting. Actually I advise it. Live your life, enjoy the honeymoon stage and just re visit it in 6-12 months!

Don’t assume it works, trust me. Be ready to give it all up and be happy if you still can. It totally changes travel 😂

Do what feels right for you not what others felt was right, or wrong, for them.

I didn't have ds until mid 30s. In hindsight I wish I had done it much earlier so he might have had a sibling, would have have had more time with active grandparents who loved him, more time with me when I was getting pulled all ways with aging parents and he was older before he had a menopausal grumpy mum who is desperate to retire but still funding him through uni!

I didn't realise all that would matter so much more to me than some holidays and nights out - but everyone is different. Perhaps if I had him earlier I would be posting about regretting not having the holidays 🤷‍♀️

babies came along mid-late 30s. By which time we'd been together 15y, had many a jaegerbomb, travelled 40+ countries and had all sorts of fab experiences and adrenaline junkiness, lived and worked abroad, changed careers, married, bought a house and halved the outstanding mortgage term as well as topping out our pensions. It was a great life!

Its swings and roundabouts, I’ve travelled to 44 countries with my DC and 15 since then with just my DH. I loved being 47 and having all my DC at uni or working full time in their own place and my DH and I being able to retire early to mid 50’s.

I knew 100% I wanted children. We had our first when I was 23, last one was DC4 born as I turned 30. Absolutely zero regrets. We'd been together 4 years by that point, married for 2, and we have continued to have fun, sex, talk about politics, holidays (although we never liked lying in the sun so caravans and theme parks suit us fine) etc.

We don't have babysitters so don't really do nights out any more but I regret that far, far, far less than I would have regretted not being able to have children.

What exactly do you think you ought to be doing as "newlyweds" that you haven't had chance to do as "partners" (genuine question!)?

What I wouldn't do (and this is perhaps easier said than done) is put my life on hold when trying to conceive. Continue to have holidays, go to Glastonbury, have lie ins and booze ups until the last minute - and remember you'll get nine months warning once you actually are pregnant, too.

Your “lives aren’t so different”
or

your holidays

Because to honestly say that you life is not so different pre having a 2.5 year old toddler is frankly baffling!

@lucylousweetie It's really not that different though 🤷🏻‍♀️ My husband and I were never the sort to go out to dinner in the evening or do anything spontaneous. We prefer staying in and watching a film with a takeaway which we still do. When we go to play board games at a friends house once a week our son sleeps in their spare room. If we want to go and see a play then my brother or a baby sitter watches our son.

Our idea of a good day out is a stately home, a nice walk and a cafe or a picnic 😂

I can see that for a couple who aren't as sedate as us their lives might change a lot but for us the pandemic changed our lives more than having a baby.

but you’re talking about free time rather than the entire fabric of your day to day life in terms of what time you wake up, what food you buy, disposable income, childcare considerations, where you live for a good fit with schooling… I could go on

I adore my children and life post children

bit to say it’s hardly changed would be strange

Wait for a couple of years at least

Well yeah, when people talk about their lives being impacted by children it's usually the social/fun aspect that they think of isn't it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you want a broader outlook on my life, the pandemic made us buy a house earlier than we had planned. The place we moved is five minutes from a school but that's not why we moved here, it's cos it was one of the only houses we could afford that was still fairly near London. As the new house is an hour from London our mortgage is now lower than our rent was and I also work from home now (thanks again Covid) so have no travel costs so that money goes towards ours son's childcare.

Income wise we have more money than pre baby as I got a huge raise and my husband found a better paying job.

Re sleep, my toddler is a unicorn and sleeps til 8 at the weekends (we all get up at 7 on a weekday) so admittedly I am uncommonly lucky in this regard 😅

Food wise, I don't understand, why would I buy different food? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have you lived together as a couple first or are you only living together/sleeping together once you are married? If this is the case and it sounds like it reads that way from your OP, then definitely make time ti spend time together as couple first

Personally I'd start TTC.

Goodness - when i had a 2.5 year, I was thinking of naps, whether they’d got enough veg in them, whether they might need the toilet when out as just finishing up potty training, whether i would need a push chair for a long walk or whether they could manage it.

but by sounds of it… practically nothing has changed. Have to say though… I kinda of loved the changes and considering someone else’s needs above my own on a day to day basis.

Hurst goes to show how different parenting is for each of us

I think you sum it up perfectly on another thread @TheBirdintheCave

Everything is a little more complex with a toddler now though!

Yeah that is true 😂

Sorry for my lengthy explanation. I'm autistic so can't always filter things out and just tend to ramble as I write 😅

Also, sorry for slightly derailing the thread OP!

As someone that’s been a mum for the whole of their 20s I wish I had the luxury of just enjoying time as a couple. Working- making money. Travelling. Lie Ins etc.
I do not regret having my children young but even just taking a year or two to yourselves to enjoy that time together first sounds perfect.

We have lived together as a couple first for over 2 years