Newly Weds, baby or enjoy couple time first?

[pastrio]

This will be us soon and I am very broody and have been for years. Our parents are not getting younger & we have been so excited to start a family for ages now, but we are trying not to be naive and from reading posts on here about how difficult and life altering people find parenthood. Some posters seem like they will never have fun again! It makes me wonder if we are wearing rose tinted glasses and should make the most of couple time first, holidays, lazy lie ins, two fulltime incomes and so on.

We ourselves are young (still both in our 20s) but I also like the prospect of having lots of energy, and wonder if its maybe wiser to not get too accustomed to lots of holidays and splashing the cash. As I mentioned we really value our support network as neither of us have siblings to rely upon so it would be great if our parents were as young as they could possibly be so they can be active in our child/children’s life. We likely only want one, possibly two if this alters the answers I’m not sure

What would / did you do and would you change it?

^^This. If we'd taken tests before we started trying we could have saved ourselves years of upset.

I was 29 when I had my first and 33 for my second. Now I'm a parent until I die, no matter if my kids are 40, I'm going to still feel responsible for them and worry about them. You don't know the freedom you have til its gone.

In terms of relationship, it was like a bomb went off and destroyed us. We were together for 13 years before we had kids so not as if we didn't have a strong foundation.

Of course, your future husband is all gung ho about it. Be prepared that YOUR life will change as soon as you get pregnant and his not so much. Unless you are one of the lucky few who has a partner who does 50% of the actual parenting, you will be the primary parent, so make sure you enjoy your care free life now.

People gave me same advice before I had kids but of course, I knew better and it was going to be different for me

Hindsight's a wonderful thing.

Assuming you are healthy, you can start TTC late 20s - that means if you have fertility issues you have a good few years to have treatment (if you need it). Unfortunately, you don't tend to know if you need medical intervention until you start trying (& failing) to get pregnant.

I was advised that I would struggle to conceive if I left it until my 30s so we had two babies in our twenties. Probably inadvisable given our (then) precarious finances and general lack of stability but it all worked out ok.
Cons - none of our friends had babies so we were completely out of step with our friends (they generally just stopped inviting me to go to concerts etc It was a very lonely time), we DID miss out on having fun and travelling (but we had been together for 8 years at this point and didn't have loads of money for that stuff anyway), all of our spare money went on nappies and childcare.
Pros - indeed it turned out I couldn't get pregnant in my 30s so there's a good chance we would have really struggled to conceive, now our kids are older we have more money and go on great family holidays, city breaks, meala out etc all together which I love- my friends who had babies later are still dealing with nappies, childcare, naps and I'm free to enjoy my 40s with my teenagers who like to sleep (like me!), our parents are elderly and would be too old to build a good relationship with our children, we can retire at a reasonable age and not worry about university fees.

How long have you actually been together? I would say wait, have holidays, get some savings under your belt and enjoy being able to do whatever you want whenever you want (oh god how I miss that). Make sure you know this man really, really well, because you can easily divorce but you cannot escape once you have a child together... and nothing makes you hate your husband more than him snoring while you've been up all night with the baby.

But if you've been together 10 years, have well-paid careers, secure, affordable housing and have travelled a lot already, why not go for it. There are definite benefits to being younger.

@pastrio i had my first at 27, DH was 32.

tbh you could do all the travelling in the world, have hundreds of lie ins. You’re still going to miss it when the baby comes and it gets taken away 😂 I was the first out of all my friends to have a baby and I don’t regret our decision at all and am pregnant again with our second so clearly it’s not too bad 😂 our first went abroad with us 4 times before she was 15 months so they can slot into your life if you’re happy to be flexible.

Only thing I’d say is, especially as the female, have a look at your mat policy. If you did wait a few years, what are the chances you might have switched companies in that time? A lot of companies want at least a year before you’re entitled to discretionary mat pay. The difference in mat pay over 9 months from my job I was pregnant with my first to this one is worth over £10k net 🙄 but I was super unhappy there so it was a decision we made for an overall better work life balance.

I would wait and build more financial security and progress at work. It’s hard to do anyway but coast career-wise in those first few years. If you’re worried about future fertility you could get an AMH test.
As you get older you have so much more patience. The frazzled parents in our circle are all younger rather than older. Your energy levels depend on your health and fitness too, you aren’t powerless to change those.

If DH wants to crack on but you want to wait a couple of years. Compromise split the difference, wait a year, if you start ttc this time next year fingers 🤞 you'll have a baby in spring 25. But remember they don't come to order.
Also traveling with a non mobile baby is fairly easy. Once they are mobile they are a pain in the bum!

Personally having been through 7 years of fertility treatment (knowing the issue and treatment) I would be inclined to pay privately for amh and sperm testing so that you are not in for a shock a few years down the line. Not that expensive for peace of mind.
Enjoy your lie ins and I can't stress this enough, cinema visits!

We travelled a lot before having DC. I do wish we had been to Japan though. It would have been an expensive holiday but I wish we had splashed the cash and been. I can’t take DD for various reasons and I’m not sure when we can go now.

When you say you're financially secure - have you run the numbers on childcare costs and factoring in mortgage interest rises? Even if your parents and in laws currently say they will do childcare for you, it's suboptimal to be dependent on this as you might find it doesn't work out.

I mean well done if you're earning enough to go for it in your mid 20s but children are really expensive, especially during the nursery years so it's worth really checking this.

Personally I think 30 is a great age in terms of balance between being young and having energy but also being financially stable. I think career wise it's worth thinking about where you want to get to before children. I have had promotions afterwards but there's no doubt it's harder to find the time and energy for job applications etc

When you say 'financially we are secure' do you mean you have bought the property you live in and have a manageable mortgage even if interest rates are at 8% for 10 years?
Do you each have a pension that is projected to give you the income you'll want in retirement, taking into account reduced earnings as a result of parental leave/phased return?
Do you have >6 months of expenses in cash?
And enough to cover loss of earnings during parental leave, and childcare costs?

Also - noone is getting younger. How old are your parents?

You know you can still travel with a child 💕

If you're intending to rely on parents for childcare while you work I would make sure you can afford for that not to be an option. Without wishing to be morbid, you don't know what the future holds and parents can change their minds when they have to deal with a toddler while being 30 years older than last time they had one.

I used to think this but everyone says how awful it would be and that we must be out of our minds!

We’re not :)

I got pregnant on honeymoon. Earlier than we expected, and don’t regret it but I think we’d have preferred to have a couple of years childfree first!

I’m like that but baby will just come to! It doesn’t end your life.

It depends on your child and your parenting style but it's totally do-able and really fun. DH and I have a lot of friends who go on breaks without their kids but we always take ours because we enjoy their company and love seeing new things through their eyes.

I know this is against what the majority tell you but we went into parenthood not wanting to fully change our lives by becoming parents and losing our own identities and we seem to have maintained that pretty well almost 1 year in (a lot to go so I'm well aware this could change). We still go places, yes it requires more planning and forward thinking but it's still very doable.

How long have you lived together just the two of you, (NOT in a parents home), shared finances etc?

We had 3 years of fun after marriage before trying for children and it was the best thing we did as life and holidays completely changed!

I had a few friends who became pregnant shortly after the wedding and they tell me they wish they had a few years together just married and enjoying life especially holidays as now it's completely different and much harder work with kids!

I don't feel like an old mum had DS1 at 32 and DS2 at 35, in my area the average age to have your first is around 33ish

I had the same dilemma but weighed up what I’d regret more - not having a child or missing a few extra years of freedom. I was very lucky and my baby is currently asleep on me but it’s mixed in my friendship group and have some struggled and still are. The sooner you try the sooner you’ll know if you need help.

It's pretty easy when your child is a baby, they don't really care where they are.

Much harder - depending on the sort of holiday you like - when they are toddlers and up. We can take ours to the odd historical site etc, but it is nothing like our pre children holidays in terms of how much ground we can cover. No hiking, for example, will be possible for some time but we did some great hikes with the baby in a carrier.

I’d wait until you’re 30. I had my first at 31 and it was a perfect age. I was still younger than most the other mums too.