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Original poster

Newly Weds, baby or enjoy couple time first?

108 replies

pastrio · 26/06/2023 15:30

This will be us soon and I am very broody and have been for years. Our parents are not getting younger & we have been so excited to start a family for ages now, but we are trying not to be naive and from reading posts on here about how difficult and life altering people find parenthood. Some posters seem like they will never have fun again! It makes me wonder if we are wearing rose tinted glasses and should make the most of couple time first, holidays, lazy lie ins, two fulltime incomes and so on.

We ourselves are young (still both in our 20s) but I also like the prospect of having lots of energy, and wonder if its maybe wiser to not get too accustomed to lots of holidays and splashing the cash. As I mentioned we really value our support network as neither of us have siblings to rely upon so it would be great if our parents were as young as they could possibly be so they can be active in our child/children’s life. We likely only want one, possibly two if this alters the answers I’m not sure

What would / did you do and would you change it?

OP posts:
Horizabel · 26/06/2023 16:27

I had my child at 39, and wouldn't have had him a month sooner than that. Lived in a different country to all family, so no consideration of help to take into account. Honestly, I think anyone who has a baby by choice in their twenties is quite mad. Or very dull.

lucylousweetie · 26/06/2023 16:34

Confusion101 · 26/06/2023 16:20

I know this is against what the majority tell you but we went into parenthood not wanting to fully change our lives by becoming parents and losing our own identities and we seem to have maintained that pretty well almost 1 year in (a lot to go so I'm well aware this could change). We still go places, yes it requires more planning and forward thinking but it's still very doable.

Show quote history

A year! So transportable, , no extra curricular activities, no play dates, no birthday parties, no school holiday childcare issues, no additional flight seat on planes… I could go on and one 😂

mayorofcasterbridge · 26/06/2023 16:36

Sunnydale1999 · 26/06/2023 16:01

I was 29 when I had my first and 33 for my second. Now I'm a parent until I die, no matter if my kids are 40, I'm going to still feel responsible for them and worry about them. You don't know the freedom you have til its gone.

In terms of relationship, it was like a bomb went off and destroyed us. We were together for 13 years before we had kids so not as if we didn't have a strong foundation.

Of course, your future husband is all gung ho about it. Be prepared that YOUR life will change as soon as you get pregnant and his not so much. Unless you are one of the lucky few who has a partner who does 50% of the actual parenting, you will be the primary parent, so make sure you enjoy your care free life now.

People gave me same advice before I had kids but of course, I knew better and it was going to be different for me Blush

Hindsight's a wonderful thing.

I agree with this - you will never, ever lose that sense of responsibility, and if your child, even in adulthood is unhappy, then you will be too. It is for life - you go through every up and every down in their lives with them. Your world just shifts on its axis. Personally I would - and did - wait. Had our first at 34.

Confusion101 · 26/06/2023 16:37

@Grumpyfroghats and @lucylousweetie yes please see the line where I said "a lot to go so I'm well aware this could change". Honestly... I find parents so fucking negative all the time. Sorry for trying to let OP know it's not all bloody doom and gloom and you can actually leave the house again! 🙄

Denise82 · 26/06/2023 16:38

My advice is to build your marriage together first for a few years, this will be vital during the early child rearing years which can be difficult on a relationship. Enjoy eachother whilst it's only each other you have to focus on. Plan children for your early 30s

lucylousweetie · 26/06/2023 16:39

Confusion101 · 26/06/2023 16:37

@Grumpyfroghats and @lucylousweetie yes please see the line where I said "a lot to go so I'm well aware this could change". Honestly... I find parents so fucking negative all the time. Sorry for trying to let OP know it's not all bloody doom and gloom and you can actually leave the house again! 🙄

I LOVE being a parent

you saw change to your life as something to fight against

i bloody loved the changes and I loved my pre children life

Kinsters · 26/06/2023 16:39

We had our first at 29 which ended up being perfect as shortly after she was born covid shut out borders for over 2 years so we couldn't have done any travelling anyway.

In hindsight I would have loved to take one last big, expensive, just for us holiday before I got pregnant. We did lots of travelling but nothing extravagant.

Grumpyfroghats · 26/06/2023 16:42

Confusion101 · 26/06/2023 16:37

@Grumpyfroghats and @lucylousweetie yes please see the line where I said "a lot to go so I'm well aware this could change". Honestly... I find parents so fucking negative all the time. Sorry for trying to let OP know it's not all bloody doom and gloom and you can actually leave the house again! 🙄

Sorry - I almost posted again to say that I did see you had acknowledged that it might will change.

I agree with you that people are too down on parenting, it is also lovely! But being realistic is also important. If your travelling plans involve trekking the Inca Trail, it isn't going to happen post children for many years. If you want to pop into a nice church in Italy, you can absolutely bribe your kids with a gelato afterwards and make it happen

JudgeAnderson · 26/06/2023 16:42

I do think there's something to be said for starting young so you'll still be youthful when your children are independent. Also they'll have you for longer.

Leo227 · 26/06/2023 16:43

when you say you are financially secure does that mean you are living in your family sized home in the best area for nursery/schools?
You ate both at the stage of your career that you want to be?

you have £30k or however much you are going to lose during your maternity leave (it's cost me 30k in loss of earnings ober 12 months), plus additional savings for when it comes to actually paying for childcare and general life..

then you have your mortgage covered considering the rates are going to stay higher than previously so a significant number of years going forward?
etc etc

user50316 · 26/06/2023 16:44

Having children was the best thing I ever did. Wish I'd done it significantly sooner (I was still pretty young when I had my first!).

MaidOfSteel · 26/06/2023 16:48

Haven't you been having 'couple time" since the start of your relationship? Maybe it's the right time to start trying for that baby now?

drpet49 · 26/06/2023 16:49

RampantIvy · 26/06/2023 15:32

What's the rush?
Enjoy some child free time first and save, save, save

This. If you were in your 30s I wouldn’t put off kids but mid twenties is fine

Mushroo · 26/06/2023 16:50

Leo227 · 26/06/2023 16:43

when you say you are financially secure does that mean you are living in your family sized home in the best area for nursery/schools?
You ate both at the stage of your career that you want to be?

you have £30k or however much you are going to lose during your maternity leave (it's cost me 30k in loss of earnings ober 12 months), plus additional savings for when it comes to actually paying for childcare and general life..

then you have your mortgage covered considering the rates are going to stay higher than previously so a significant number of years going forward?
etc etc

This is a tad excessive. You don’t need all those things.

We purposely haven’t bought our family home in a good area with good schools, because I didn’t want to do that and then find out we couldn’t have kids.

We bought a lovely flat in an area we love and we’ll just move in a couple of years before we need schools.

You just need a plan.

IrisGold · 26/06/2023 16:50

We were together 18 years before we had DC. This was by choice. I was 37 and 39 when DC were born.
Nothing wrong with that at all but if I was doing it again I would aim for a couple of years sooner. I wouldn't have wanted children as young as mid 20s though. We were very comfortably financially secure by mid 30s so had choices about working / not working, career break, extended mat leave and so on.
It's basically 20 years out of a lifetime so which 20 years depends on you.

AuntieJune · 26/06/2023 16:52

I think 30ish is the right time, still some energy, enough time if you have trouble conceiving, friends also start settling down. Make a bucket list and have a great few years first.

Grandparents of any age and health status don't always step up to the plate and get hands on, even when they say they long for GC. I wouldn't let that be a decisive factor!

There's never a perfect time.

Bluevelvetsofa · 26/06/2023 16:53

You say you won’t be relying on parents for support, but that you won’t need them for child care, but you want them to be present in your child’s life. They might still be working, full or part time. If you’re mid twenties, they’re probably in their fifties, so hardly older grandparents. They might not want to be hands on with your children; not every grandparent is.

I’d really consolidate my career and relationship and have a few years of being free of the responsibility of childcare. If you ttc in three years, you’ll be late twenties and have plenty of time if it takes a while.

Aozora13 · 26/06/2023 16:53

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 26/06/2023 16:17

I got pregnant on honeymoon. Earlier than we expected, and don’t regret it but I think we’d have preferred to have a couple of years childfree first!

I was going to say the exact same thing!

SockQueen · 26/06/2023 16:56

I was 27 when I got married, DH 26. We had been through a rough couple of years with him having cancer and me having a very demanding junior doctor job, and weren't in a rush to TTC right away, but always knew we wanted kids at some point

Around when I turned 30 I started to get incredibly broody so we started TTC. It took longer than we had hoped, so ended up having DS1 when I was 32, then DS2 just before my 35th birthday. Even then it was incredibly hard. I'm very glad we had a couple of years just "us" first.

Mutabiliss · 26/06/2023 17:04

Grumpyfroghats · 26/06/2023 16:42

Sorry - I almost posted again to say that I did see you had acknowledged that it might will change.

I agree with you that people are too down on parenting, it is also lovely! But being realistic is also important. If your travelling plans involve trekking the Inca Trail, it isn't going to happen post children for many years. If you want to pop into a nice church in Italy, you can absolutely bribe your kids with a gelato afterwards and make it happen

Show quote history

But popping to a nice church in Italy is not quite the same with a child, is it. If I hadn't got pregnant my next ideal holiday would have been Florence to see the Duomo. It absolutely does not appeal with a small child - you can't fully concentrate and lose yourself in the experience, because you have to be constantly aware of where they are, are they behaving reasonably well, do they need the loo, here's your drink, no you can't have a snack yet, don't climb on that priceless artifact, yes I know you're bored, we'll get an ice cream soon. The horror!

Grumpyfroghats · 26/06/2023 17:07

Mutabiliss · 26/06/2023 17:04

But popping to a nice church in Italy is not quite the same with a child, is it. If I hadn't got pregnant my next ideal holiday would have been Florence to see the Duomo. It absolutely does not appeal with a small child - you can't fully concentrate and lose yourself in the experience, because you have to be constantly aware of where they are, are they behaving reasonably well, do they need the loo, here's your drink, no you can't have a snack yet, don't climb on that priceless artifact, yes I know you're bored, we'll get an ice cream soon. The horror!

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Agree, it is absolutely not the same...

But you can do some of that in between more toddler focussed things if you really want.

Newname47 · 26/06/2023 17:08

You can travel with a baby pretty easily and fairly easily with older kids if you go at child's pace. You can also travel easily when your kids have grown up and you have more disposable income in your 40s...

HandInMine · 26/06/2023 17:14

How long have you been together?

We had our first in our mid twenties, we’d been together 6 years already so we’d had lots of time just us. Until our oldest was at school, we carried on as normal for us in terms of holidays/travel.

It’s a decision only the two of you can make. The most important thing is knowing you have a supportive partner who pulls his weight. So many people ignore red flags and kid themselves about the state if their relationship because they’re swept up in wanting a baby. Before they know it, they’re the default parent (more often than not, the woman), miserable and resenting their partner. You need to have a rock solid relationship, communicate well and know each other fully to be genuinely happy in a relationship with kids imo.

TheBirdintheCave · 26/06/2023 17:22

@Confusion101 I'm with you. We're 2.5 years in and ours lives aren't so different than before we had our son 🙂 Our most recent holiday was a little harder though as son now refuses to take his naps in the buggy but we still saw everything we wanted to see, churches, archaeological sites, pretty Italian beach towns 😍