Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

That only works when everyone has equal childcare needs, she is being ridiculous.

No, she should bloody well pay a babysitter!

Not wanting to look after someone’s infant alone when you yourself don’t have children by choice is not even close to the same as caring for a dog or helping paint someone’s home. I also wouldn’t look after my friends dogs in my house or ask them to look after mine. My responsibilities are MY responsibilities. Not other peoples.

A lot of people raise children with no help and don’t expect their friends to do all this and change their whole lives around for them. She chose to have this baby, it was HER choice.

Asking someone to look after a baby alone when they don’t want to is too much to ask. I wouldn’t do that for anyone. They need to get a babysitter.

If she's got plenty of money, the obvious solution is a nanny or au pair and save the going out till they've started.

It is very puzzling why she'd want friends with an active disinterest in babies to do this over someone trained/experienced and willing!

So she wants a night off every fortnight? Fuck me! Don’t we all. She’s got very unrealistic expectations of what life is going to be like now. Mums with husbands, grannies and in-laws don’t go out that regularly. And if money is no object and it’s just her and the baby, why does she need all of you pitching in and cleaning for her? Either pay someone or do it yourself. If she’s in her 40s she must be pretty worldly wise, it’s not like she’s some vulnerable teenage Mum in a pokey flat.

She needs a massive reality check. Life will never be the same again.

I do think your friend is being out of line in lots of ways - the rota, and expecting every meet up to be child friendly in particular.

However, it doesn't sound like she has any other support network? Does she have another friendship group?

I think it's really hard to anticipate how tough having a baby is until you're there and doing it alone must be absolutely knackering. I completely understand that this is not your problem, but I can also see why she's asking for help from you all when she's all alone trying to do everything. It's so hard.

I don't know if she'd want this as you've said she wants to go out/date etc but would any of you be willing to take the baby out for a walk even? Then there's no real interaction and he might just sleep of it's at the right time. Just 45 mins on her own would probably make a world of difference to her if she's looking after a baby solo 24/7.

I'd argue I don't know any mums in my area who doesn't have a single person to watch their child every couple of weeks. Including a partner. That's actually very rare. I'd rather not look after my friends children too, but I'd do it if I cared about them enough. Thankfully I'm not shitty enough to say "suck it up sweetheart loads of people do it and I've CHOSEN this life!!!"

I really don’t think it’s a good idea to ask people to babysit unless they offer.

you are doing more then enough helping with the cleaning, and doing so batch cooking.

you may feel differently in a year or so when child is a toddler, and if you do then you could offer to look after the child if you feel you want to.

But to push a baby onto people is not a good idea.

Happily child-free here and I think you're friend is hugely entitled.

I don't want kids - why would I want to give up my time to look after someone else's for free? 😂

Two kids in and my baby care style is quite…casual. It works for mine of course but only because I’m their mother and can chuck them in my bed if they’re sleep refusing and so on. I don’t think most first time mothers would want me looking after their child. I’d do it though, if they asked me for a specific occasion - it’s the ‘rota’ bit of this request that sticks in the craw. What does she think happens if you’ve got plans on your scheduled evening - have you to phone around the other eight people to try and swap shifts?

Well you’re lucky then aren’t you. My husband is often gone for up to a year at a time and we have no family around. I still don’t ask CF friends for help! I PAY a babysitter. What part of that is difficult to comprehend?

I think you were very good to clean her house. Really that goes above and beyond. I wouldn't do it for my friends and I already have kids! The most we do when someone has a baby is a meal rota for the first month or two and offer emergency childcare in case a parent needs to be hospitalised or anything. I've done babysitting exchanges with other mothers to get the occasional night "off" to do something fun, but that rarely goes well. Everyone wants to receive more babysitting than they give.

She hasn’t thought it through properly. A group of inexperienced uninterested people versus a professional who knows what they are doing, will show up reliably and look after the baby beautifully.
Op you need to sell her the concept of professional childcare, then she can leave baby at home as and when needed and resume her social life. If money is not an issue then she has come up with the wrong solution. You wouldn’t ask a carpenter to fix your car and you don’t ask child free people to be your baby sitters. Whenever she brings it up talk about employing a nanny.

It made me sad reading this. Having a baby is the most happy /sad, most joyful / low you will ever be. It's hard and wonderful and tiring all in one. You need a good community around you to help. It's sounding like she needs to find her "village" which isn't the existing group of friends. Her life will be so vastly different now.

When I had my first child I wanted to apologise to friends who had gone through it before and I had not know how tough it was.

Out of interest why are you posting on mumsnet? I was under the impression this was for parenting related stuff? Am I wrong?

Just say no OP! YANBU.

If money isn’t an issue I’m confused why she wants her friends with no childcare experience to babysit. Babies are delicate and I would much rather some professional was taking care of them that they were used to than a random friend every few weeks.

Honestly, I think you sound like an amazing friend, you have stepped up where many wouldn’t by cooking and cleaning and sorting her dog, I only wish I’d have had friends like you to help during the tough times, I think your friend should take your arm and run with those offers as even a lot of partners don’t do that! The thought of a rota is outrageous but like you said when her gorgeous baby is up a bit, you’d be more than happy to sit and mind the baby monitor, she also could arrange a sitter, baby isn’t newborn so she’d find one easily for dates and evenings oit, it’s irrational to expect a group of people to change their socialising because one has had a baby!

No, this is really strange. Not one person I know expects me, the token child free friend to ‘step up’ into an involved role with a child. Respectfully, she had a ONS, then a baby. Did she really think that the father not being involved would mean you would all chip in. Next she will be asking for child maintenance, as it’s unfair she doesn’t get it. You are good friends with her, have a frank talk that generally parents parent their own children and that you are happy to compromise with lunch’s etc but that’s it.
The friends who won’t even go to Pizza Express for lunch due to children are being unreasonable.

I’m gobsmacked you’ve done so much for her, you are certainly a great friend.

I have never done this much for a friend, or had this much done for me.

You’ve been awesome, enjoy your vineyard trip and all your other child free trips and don’t feel a scrap of guilt.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

I do have kids but mine are teens and other than if it came up for close family (including if in years to come I have my own grandchildren) my days of babysitters, nappies, etc are OVER.

This is exactly how I felt. I think it's just mumsnet. No one I know in real life would shout "pay a professional cheeky fucker!!" to anyone struggling reaching out for help

I'm afraid she's being a monumental CF!

People don't get to demand of others. I wouldn't even ask my own Mum to have a babysitting rota. WTF?!

Nobody should be doing her cooking/cleaning etc either. It's madness!

I know it supposedly takes a village, but not a 9 person village of women who don't like kids!!

You all need to have a word with her, I think. Her demands are way too much.

If the baby is 11m old she will be going back to work soon? So she'll need to get a nanny anyway if she's going to continue a high flying career as a single parent.

Suggest to her she starts interviewing nannies from agencies now, they can do a trial babysitting for a couple of hours as part of the hiring/settling in process. She could get a live in nanny and pay for whatever evening babysitting she likes if she wants to go out with your same group of friends.

My DC have had nannies from 6m old when I went back to work. Its much better than imposing on your friends or family and creating resentment.

I don’t blame you. I have kids but it would be my worst nightmare to have a rota set up. Go and enjoy your life with children. I think once people have babies they expect everyone else to become maternal and coo over them. Go to your vineyards!

Not this again. MN is for everyone.

But OP, you might want to check out the ChildFree Forum.

Also, as pp said, I had a very different style of childrearing. I co-slept, for one. I fed them lentils, for another. I wouldn't know how to bring up other people's babies.