Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

Bingo 😂

Oh dear you’ll be so shocked then when you find out that Mumsnet created a Childfree Board here

YANBU. She’s expecting you to be hired help and she can afford the help. I think it’s nuts to expect childless people to pick up the slack.

Her life has changed but perhaps she hasn’t accepted that yet.

I had a baby probably about 7 or 8 years before any of my friends did, and the honest truth was that they drifted away fairly quickly... and it left me feeling horribly lonely. But I equally realised that I had such little in common with them anymore, they had no idea of what life with a newborn was like and in a way I realised that our friendship (work group) had been very superficial. I started doing baby groups and made "mum" friends instead who were all treading the same path and when I went back to work, oddly flocked to other parents instead.

She's probably realising 11 months in that she's absolutely alone with this and is just reaching out to the wrong people. I think you all perhaps need to start nudging her in the direction of other mums no matter how reluctant she is. She needs a new support network, but you perhaps all need to be clearer that it isn't going to be you.

You sound lovely OP. A very generous and supportive friend but she is taking the piss.
Even with a DH and family, there is no way I would have had gone out once a fortnight. Sorry friend, but when you choose to become a parent, you choose responsibility for caring for the baby. I think you either ignore her requests for baby sitting which may become wearing and cause resentment or you have to tell her that you don't wish to babysit. No need to justify your decision!

If she's going back to her well-paid career after maternity leave, she'll need childcare, won't she? She could get a nanny and then the nanny could babysit once a fortnight, couldn't they?

Cheeky woman! Does she read loads of naff rom com type novels or watch the films? Sounds like the plot of one. If you are so minded @Shebaguinea you could write it, sell it and go to a lovely child free resort! I would stop engaging or if she brings it up again I would say (FYI I have autism and can be very blunt) 'We chose not to have children because we did not want to look after them so we're not looking after yours. Did you not realise this when you decided to have the baby?'

You're not awful.

I have 2 children (grown up now) would never have expected friends to babysit. We didn't have local family so generally paid for babysitters.

She should join toddler groups etc. ok they are a bit mine numbing but you do get to meet other mums.

UANBU but I can’t read and run because if she originally intended to be CF and based her life around her group of friends then I imagine in would be very hard to adjust to the realisation that all the people you socialise with don’t want to be around you anymore. (I appreciate it’s the child you all don’t want to be around but it’s just not practical for her to live the same way and do the same things once she’s had a kid) She is about to become really isolated.

I think it’s great all the things you’ve done to support her and am not suggesting that you need to do more for the baby as it’s perfectly acceptable to not be interested in children etc but I think if you could continue to try to be sympathetic and lend an ear when she needs to talk that would be great.

If possible the best thing to help with is transitioning from her current social group to some mum friends. (Sounds easy but it’s not trust me 😅) Making friends on FB is a possibility but it could be a bit awkward. Really your friends best bet is to take baby to a couple of groups each week and try and chat face to face. Part of it is making friends for your baby/toddler with other babies and becoming friendly with the mums or dads that way.

Have you seen the film While We’re Young? There is a great scene where Naomi Watts, who is cf, goes to a baby group with her friend. It sums up why no cf person would ever want to go to a baby group.😂 But you could help research together and maybe call to follow up on how she got on.

Im only suggesting this because it sounds like you care about your friend which I think is an admirable quality and I don’t think we should feel ashamed about caring.

But I doubt they would babysit much for her either! I have no family near, so I used paid babysitters.

I think your offers of help are really kind and it's great that you've helped out in practical ways.
I think for a group of CF people though, it can be really hard to understand the reality for your friend - the fact she never wanted a baby in the first place so adjusting to that (yes, she may not have been responsible with contraception, but people make mistakes and termination isn't something everyone feels able to do). The shock of a newborn is horrendous. The lack of sleep and hormones, the loneliness of being a lone parent, with absolutely no family help must be absolutely overwhelming for her. I imagine she feels like she's losing all her friends and desperately is trying to hold on to them. She may have PND.
Sometimes parents DO just need a break from the child, and if you were a good friend rather than taking a step back, I'd maybe turn my efforts to helping your friend find the help that she needs / wants and although you've absolutely done her a solid with all the cleaning etc, I can guarantee one hour of child free time is probably more valuable to her at times. There's apps for making mum friends (peanut is one), often single mums help each other out so maybe joining mums groups on Facebook for her local area (there's one in our area called "mums of (area X). She could do a regular group or a course where she can meet people who are all new at the start, and it goes on for a number of weeks etc.

I have friends who don't like children and I do still love seeing them but it only works when I'm child free. I'd also maybe encourage her to find some regular childcare that she can rely on - a nanny that would do a regular slot, if she can afford it.

And FWIW the 2 week rota thing is completely and utterly not the norm, for ANY parent that I know, whether they have family help or not! Maybe she feels like it's her only option though if she really has no close friends with children?

I do feel sorry for her, but you're well within your rights to set your boundaries and I'd be really clear about it, but maybe try and help her find people who are willing to. Some mums do a reciprocal thing where they each do a night for the other mum so they each get a night free. Maybe something like that could.work for her?

30 years ago, after my first divorce, my mother and younger brother came to live with me for a year. Big 3 bedroom flat, not a problem. My mother had a friend in the same city who was only slightly older than me (I was 25) who had just had a baby Without asking, my mother agreed 'we' would babysit one night while her friend and husband went to a gig...

It still ranks as one of the nights of my life! The baby was 6 months old, this was the first time he'd been away from his mother/father and his mother had gleefully told us that he had 'problems' being around strangers...which we essentially were. He screamed, and I mean SCREAMED our flat down without stopping for the whole 6 fucking hours. I refused point blank to go anywhere near him, which pissed my mother off - even though I'd been telling her since the age of 9 that I didn't like babies/children and I wouldn't be having any (I haven't). I honestly think my stupid mother thought being around a baby would 'change my mind' and I'd somehow fall in love with it...quite the opposite.

Your friend has a fucking nerve and someone needs to tell her so.

*one of the worst nights of my life

Her baby isn't a newborn, he's almost one, and as she's a high earner, why on earth doesn't she hire a nanny or a professional babysitter to look after her child? Who's going to look after him when her mat leave is up? She can come to some arrangement with them with regards to regular socialising.

Her expectations that her friendship group would rally round and provide regular childcare is absolutely baffling. I have never met anyone quite so presumptuous in my life!

Bit like giving someone a kitten who only likes dogs, or vice versa.

She's obviously taken on board too much the ideology of it takes a village to raise a child.

Not on Imo.

They might though, as long as it’s reciprocated from time to time! Or as you say, paid babysitters.

@Shebaguinea another poster made a good point. Is she going back to full time work after her maternity? What is her plan for childcare if she does?

The rota is a bit weird. I don’t have or want children but they’re not that awful, if my friend had a baby and wanted help I’d be there. All of your lives can’t be that jet set amazing that you can’t help someone out.

I worked with someone who got pregnant in similar circumstances, decided to
keep the baby. She set up a WhatsApp group of “babysitters” although she didn’t actually ask anyone if they wanted to be in it. She would then send messages to the group demanding someone take her baby as she deserved a break, and would throw a strop if nobody replied fast enough. I’d have found it funny if she hadn’t added me & another friend who both had babies the same week as she did, and she never once offered to reciprocate a day of child care. Unsurprisingly I left that group and never did babysit! There were two endlessly kind women who would always take the baby for her, but they’ve cut her off too now because she was such an entitled CF. I get that having a baby is hard work, I’ve got two, but there are ways to make it easier for yourself. Can she not move closer to family? Me & DH moved 600 miles to be closer to our families just before DS2 came along. She can make some “mum” friends too but not with the expectation they’ll provide childcare for her, I absolutely do not want to look after someone else’s children as well as my own. If its childcare she wants she needs a baby sitter or a nanny, or to move back to where grandparents are if they’re willing to help.

PS, OP you sound like a lovely friend, I would have loved it if anyone had batch cooked or cleaned for me!!

I think you're lovely for cooking and cleaning and friend is being ridiculously blinkered. She has fallen in love with her baby abd can't understand how all of you haven't. Her world has totally changed but yours hasn't -she will hopefully come to terms with it in time.
If she's well paid, perhaps suggest she hires a nanny or babysitter so that she can join in with some of the socialising.
I feel for her being isolated but you have been very kind and helpful.
I say this as mother of a large family -I love them to bits but I don't expect anyone else to help raise them other than dh and I. Had to pay for babysitters whenever we wanted to go out or do something child free. It's just how was for me.

Are her finances an issue?
If that’s the problem with paying/employing a babysitter then could you all chip in to help her be able to have a night out with you once a month?

What a strange situation!
She’s part of a group who all choose to be child free…. Then gets pregnant and decides she wants a baby after all.. but that you all need to babysit so she can carry on with her life. No way!

I would very gently point out that although she has obviously changed her mind about having a child, the rest of the group haven’t. And that none of you really enjoy being around children, especially babies, So you won’t be babysitting for her. You are always happy to help in other ways, but you have chosen not to have children and won’t look after other peoples.

Its really weird that she expects that you will all agree to this!

I take it the friend is still on maternity leave. Wait til she goes back to work and dobs you all in for free childcare!

I feel sorry for her , it must be a big jolt to the system going from solvent and fancy free to insolvent and huge responsibility. But those are the downsides of single parenthood I am afraid. At least she has her memories to keep her company……

The OP has helped her out. She’s batch-cooked for her, and cleaned her house more often than her own house.

I just don't understand where I am going wrong. I could barely get anyone to have a coffee with me! Let alone babysit my kids on a rota!