Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

@Shebaguinea Is she the only one of the group that doesn't have family in easy reach?

I only ask because I live in a very ex-patty place, LOADS of our friends don't have any family here (me included) and it often serves to make us closer, or at least more likely to help each other out because everyone's in the same boat and nobody can just call parents or a sibling for help. I'd think nothing of helping out a friend in any kind of pinch even if it puts me out; I know there's nobody else and they've all in varying ways been very kind (and above and beyond) to me in the past.

Maybe she sees the group more like her stand-in family whereas you all see friendships as more superficial?

WTF. I have DC but have never expected help. I have had playdates when DC were older with me supervising, but not looked after anyone's newborn! Nor would I.

She had choices and she made hers. She is being cheeky in the extreme to look to a group of child free friends to put together sort of child care rota. WTAF? I’m gobsmacked you clean her house for her, that’s mental enough! She needs mum friends for one thing (bonding over similar experiences, etc, that you guys can’t do) but frankly she needs to rise to the challenges of single parenthood that she chose…

This makes me feel better that even people with babies would fear looking after other babies!

In an emergency I'd absolutely do my best, but I don't want to do it as a routine.

You are going above and beyond just cleaning her house. I wouldn't do that either. I might drop off food. But that's it.

I'm all for helping friends out but I think she's got a cheek to be disappointed that she's not getting the help she's asking for.
You've been a huge help to her for cooking and cleaning, even this is going above and beyond.
She has to realise now she's had a baby her life will change, that's what she signed up for, you and your other friends absolutely did not

I didn't really think about this until recently but shes definitely always tried to sway/rearrange/change things her way even if the majority had arranged something.

And for those referring to an emergency I'd of course step in for an operation/emergency/injury.

she's very highly paid and she isn't interested in him contributing financially and doesn't need it. Money isn't an issue.

So she can afford a nanny or proper babysitters.

That's very odd, especially as she is the only one with a baby!
I think she's a CF for asking to set up a rota!!
She chose to have the baby, she finds ways to look after it, which doesn't include child free friends
I would gently tell her this

Yep I would not want to look after a baby beyond 10 mins when mum nips to loo /has shower. Now an older child that can feed itself and go to the loo, probably okay to baby sit in an emergency but unless it's my nephew it's really never likely to be asked of me.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight.

Hahaha, fuck that!

I'm just amazed you've got 10 childfree friends in your 40s! I'd love just one! Do you live in a city?

My own experience is...my SIL is about to have a baby. My MIL has now said several times: 'I know you're just going to be the most enormous help when the baby comes'. She's not being sarcastic. She really means it.
I started with replies along the lines of: 'I don't think so. I work full time and live 3 hours away'. She's persisting with this odd idea, so last time I had to say, very clearly: 'I have absolutely no intention of helping out'.

Honestly, why do people think that someone who's chosen not to have any kids of their own is desperate to get involved?!

A night off once a fortnight, she’s taking the piss I assume? DH and I get one night off together a YEAR…and no, I’m not exaggerating.

I’d separate this out into two parts (and speaking as a single parent):

• Asking for babysitting or to look after her child, no! Of course you don’t have to!
• But if you still want her as a friend, she probably can no longer do a lot of child free things. So I would think as a friend you would try to meet her in her house sometimes, or at places that she can actually catch up with you as otherwise she won’t be able to keep up the friendship.

Yes he was told she was keeping the baby, and was told that a baby boy was born. Not a peep from him since and friend doesn't want or need his money.

I have a child and am pregnant and OP, I honestly wouldn’t look after anyone else’s babies!! They also honestly freak me out as they can’t tell you what they want or why they are crying, and it’s hard work when they are babies. I like babies but have no interest in looking after other peoples! There’s a reason most parents need babysitters.

You've been a bloody amazing friend, doing that. Your friend is being a little bit bonkers. Hopefully she realises this soon.

Enjoy your trip to Portugal. Sounds excellent and I am not at all jealous.

OK I don't really understand the formal schedule. But I don't really understand these replies. How much do you care about her? Having a child is bloody difficult and she's doing it without anyone to help. There are 10 of you. You choose to be child free, but surely babysitting once every 6 months or so to keep your loved one sane is not too much of an ask? I don't want the obligation of a dog but you bet I was happy to dogsit my friends dog for a week when she was in a sticky situation and her kennels upped their prices to an unaffordable amount. I've also never wanted to be a painter/decorator but was happy helping my sister paint when she was feeling overwhelmed with a disgusting new house she bought by herself.

There are many aspects of life I actively choose not to partake in, but I'd sacrifice a few hours to help a friend in need every few months. The fact that all 10 of her "friends" dismiss her ask for assistance is really sad. She should find a new tribe.

I've never had friends babysit my dc. I wouldn't want to repay the favour.

It sounds like you've got the right idea on this. I'd refuse to babysit.

Tell her she needs to pay babysitters.

And stop cleaning her house!

She seems very disappointed and like we're letting her down because the father isn't involved.

You are letting her down? You didn’t have sex with her, you’re not the father. She sounds extremely selfish.

No, most of us have no family. She has a parent and sibling though not here. My parents are deceased. Some have siblings.

Really strange attitude!! All my child’s Aunts are child free and when we visit them or vice versa we never ask them to babysit! If they want to take them out for the day of their own volition we of course say yes but I wouldn’t ask anyone to look after a baby unless they offered!!

If she is highly paid, why can't she hire a babysitter? Bonkers.

She certainly can. But she feels that we should all step up and become a childcare group.

OP, she is a CF and her attitude would be a dealbreaker for me. She is an adult who actively chose to have this child and now expects her child-free by choice friends to change their preference and lifestyle to accommodate and support her self-inflicted situation.

What happens when the child is older, will there be a rota for school drop offs/pick ups, childcare during holidays or illness, the child coming along on adult trips, nights out, etc.?

I would tell her the truth, that her choice does not trump nor change your choice, and she will have to make alternate arrangements and leave you out of it. If that doesn’t suit her, it is not your fault.

If money isn't a problem then she can pay for a babysitter then can't she. And a cleaner. And buy in Hello fresh or whatever.

I'm all for rallying round when someone has a small baby and very much appreciated it myself but not at 11 months