Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

Not RTFT so sorry if this has been said, but OP said baby is 11 months old??? Surely it would (possibly) be sleeping through the night by now? Or at least on supplemental formula/solids as well as BF?
I recommend childcare.co.uk to find a reliable sitter with relevant experience who could cope if baby woke up while CF mum was still out.

I found a brilliant babysitter on there who had experience of special needs kids and qualifications which could be checked.

Does she have post natal depression perhaps and she’s super anxious so that’s why she’s requesting so much support ? Advise her to join a mother and baby club and get to know people in the same position . I’d be anxious she wants more help / childcare if she returns to work!

spot on, @CleverLilViper If you’re so empathetic, what do you think she should give in return for all the help she’ll be taking if she gets her way? Or do you think it should be a one way street like so many “it takes a village!” people do?

Wonder how many times the entitlemum has cleaned her mates' homes, watched their dogs, etc. etc. up to now.

All of the palavering about how depressed and lonely she must be. Yeah, that's why her childfree kids didn't, you know, have kids. If you decide to rear a child sperm-donated by a disappearing one-night-stand, and your family is on another continent, and your friend all are happily childfree, the chances of ending up lonely, tired and depressed are pretty much sky-high. She should have thought about that a little harder when making her choices, instead of assuming that her busy, childfree friends wanted to sacrifice their lives to her needs.

I wonder, is she claiming maintenance from the sperm donor? That could pay for some babysitters or a nanny.

She needs an au pair, not a rota of mug friends. OP, I hope you stop with the cleaning and the batch cooking. That should have ended when the kid was four weeks old.

The kinder side of me is thinking hormones? Cultural expectation? But the sensible side of me and clearly the more balanced says…she’s expecting you to pay for her life choices. Nope! I’m a mother to 3 boys and I would never ever expect anyone to automatically be expecting to look after them so I could go out on dates or partying or whatever. Just the fact that’s what she wants to do during that time makes me raise my eyebrows. Each to their own but I couldn’t have thought of anything I’d be less likely to want to do so close after giving birth other than sex 🫣🥴😂

You are definitely not being unreasonable on any level. Offering to help in whatever way is of course brilliant and supportive, but being expected to? That’s just crazy talk. She’s deluded.

She sounds like an entitled CF to me. There is this weird stuff called money that people use to get laundry done, get shopping and get babysitters. I recently babysat for a friend whose babysitter had an emergency. I was happy to do it for free (She has amazing Sky package) but she insisted on paying me despite me protesting. I'd happily babysit for free occasionally (TV to myself with Sky...) But I know she wouldn't dream of it. If your friend can't factor in the cost of a babysitter she probably can't afford to go out. It's tough having a baby but she can't expect you all to suddenly drop everything for her and going out once a fortnight is a ludicrous expectation.

Offer to go with her to a mums group, hold the baby when they’re there so she can have a brew and talk to the other mums.

Most dads dont even do this. But apparently its fine to ask childfree women to do this and complain that they lack empathy if they dont.

Its not that childfree women lack empathy. Its that a few parents seem to think that childfree women need to be re-educated to realise that really they do love babies and they are a joy.

Its not that childfree women lack empathy. Its that a few parents seem to think that childfree women need to be re-educated to realise that really they do love babies and they are a joy.

Never known real love until…
World goes from black & white to Technicolor…
Your life doesn’t have purpose unless…

All on the Bingo card along with ‘What are non-mums doing on Mumsnet?’

I was reading your post and thinking,'how many wild horses would be needed to drag me to a mum's group where I'd get to hold the baby and listen to mums talking.'

It's rather a lot. Ditto soft play.

I feel for your friend that none of her friendship group want to have a bond with the baby but the rota is a bit much.

First para of OP's first post

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids

When one of DM’s close friends and colleagues who lived near her had a baby and the father didn’t want to live with her (but happy to be a dad and help support the baby) I recall my DM inviting her and her DD round a lot on weekends, either Saturdays for lunch or Sundays for Sunday lunch, then sitting in the garden. Her friend was much younger than her and her family lived a few hours away but did visit. She didn’t seem to have many single mum friends apart from other local single mum with a DD the same age. Maybe because she worked a lot and hard it wasn’t easy to socialise if she didn’t have much in common with the NCT crowd nor to hang around much at the school gate. She would never have asked her friends to babysit but it brought it home to me (I was 26/27 then) just how hard still being a single mum was. When this woman had an affair (I know!) with her boss, he left his wife and they set up home together and we rarely see them now. She’s on social media with us though.

It is nice if single women and men can help a friend who’s had a baby by herself but ultimately really it’s her choice to pick w useless non involved dad, and not to live near family who may help out. It’s very nice of you and your friends to try and help out and accommodate her into your plans but ultimately dhes very entitled to get you to babysit or care for her baby whilst she resumes her single life. It’s not a commune where this might be tolerated and even welcomed.

I think ultimately she needs to get her big girl pants on and get the ONS dad to pay maintenance and arrange a schedule to see his daughter. Then get a job and start earning money so she can be a decent role model of a mother to her daughter.

I remember one of my friends who got pregnant at 35 by her boyfriend but she didn’t think she could and it happened. He turned out to be a complete abusive arsehole and she kicked him out, eventuality moving in with her parents whilst she rented out her house. She’d complain to me about men running a mile on hearing she had a daughter and had a string of user relationships. Ultimately the draw of her arsehole ex was too strong and he offered her a secure home and they both agreed to put his/her cheating behind him which included his daughter he’d had whilst he was broken up/having an affair with the mother whilst he was “seeing” my friend. I recall when she was single especially when her daughter was 18 months onwards she found it really tough and luckily her parents babysat on weekends and the dad had his daughter most weekends (whilst paying a pittance in child support). She tried Gingerbread, dating sites for single parents but found it hard to meet single mum friends whilst she worked full time and most of her friends had much older children or older at school children. One of her best friends was in her mid to late 30s with her boyfriend and trying to keep that relationship and try for children too. So it certainly isn’t easy being a single parent at your friend’s age though can be done.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain I think it's a shame that she's going to be cut off from lots of her friends because she had a baby. Is she just supposed to get back in touch when her child is 18 and an adult?

No, she can pay a babysitter and go out with them.

If you don’t think wanting your friends to cancel their planned holiday, stop going on holidays you can’t go on, only wanting them to go to child friendly places with your child AND wanting them to do babysitting isn’t demanding or entitled I feel sorry for your friends and family.

Maybe she could get in touch with them when she stops being entitled, regardless of the age of her child.

You all sound like you've been amazingly helpful so far.
But no she's out of order; she chose to have the baby she should have thought about this.

She could get a baby sitter. Or she could start understanding that being a parent changes your life in a lot of ways and she has to adjust for that. Right now her stance seems to be she's still single and freewheeling, she just has a baby in tow.

That sounds absolutely crazy! Not single here but if we want a night off/ out we book and pay for a babysitter. I wouldn’t ask friends, child free or not! It’s a damn cheek!

Does she think life is a Rom com? Group of friends raising a baby would never work out

She does seem spectacularly unprepared for the effect having a child would have on her life. Or she just doesn't want to spend money on childcare.

She needs baby friends. I had a baby in my 40s, most of my friends were child free. I absolutely did not inflict my baby on my friends. Instead I joined baby groups and made a huge effort to meet other mums. This will be much better for her and you can see more of her in a few years when her child grows up.

She clearly doesn’t want someone to cook or clean for her. She’s desperate for a night off! All she wants is someone to babysit who she trusts and the attitude coming off OP is “you chose to have a baby, so it’s your problem”. And yes, it is the new mother’s ‘problem’ but if your friends are giving off this attitude then imo they’re not really your friends! 100% shit mate. I don’t have kids but wouldn’t hesitate to help out a friend who is crying out for her friends to help out so they can get some respite.

@ttcat37 OP mentioned several times that her friend is able to get a babysitter. I don't know anyone in real life who would be CF enough to expect their friends to create a rota to babysit their child if they can afford a babysitter. She is being ridiculous.

You’d cancel your holiday, only go on child friendly holidays and days out, only eat in child friendly restaurants during the day and babysit regularly? After being told cooking, cleaning, lifts, compromises on where you eat and offering babysitting when the baby sleeps through isn’t enough? I’m sure if you put that in your local Facebook group you’ll have a queue of new friends at your door!

Where do I find the child free board pls?