Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

@Shebaguinea would your friend not consider just employing a local babysitter so she can go out with her friends/on a date? Why is she adamant that she needs a friends rota to look after her baby

Where are you getting your information from? I haven’t seen one post saying it was to date men? I assumed it was so she could join their get togethers.

however if she wants to “go out on the razz” who are we to judge? Again why are her friends not discussing this with her rather than everyone else? I truly hope that if you’re ever in a position where you need support, you have plenty of people around you to help. I just can’t imagine slagging my friend off online before talking to her. None of us have any idea what is going on in her life, but we do know OPs biggest problem is her friend asking her to babysit a couple of times a year.

Single parent, dad not involved, possibly no plans for another child, no family around & no friends with kids .. your friend is likely going to find this very very lonely & isolating and is possibly just coming to that realisation. I would encourage her to attend baby groups, sign up to parent apps that are for meeting other parents/making friends. I would also encourage her to hire babysitters if money allows.

They're free. And as OP has said that CF has form pre-baby for wanting the group to run along the lines she wants, she expects them to fall in line.

I’m kind of with you here.

I would personally be worried about the mental health if this friend as it sounds like has literally no one since basing her friendship circle around child free people. Yes she has chosen to go through with this but she probably naively thought some of this friends would help her out with the baby. Whilst I’ve never really babysat any of my friends’ children I have met them in child friendly places when I’ve not had my own children with me - I’m a single parent and went on a day out with a group of friends, some of whom had children and some who didn’t. It was my weekend ‘off’ whilst kids were at their dad’s. But I don’t want to lose this group of friends by not turning up to things with their children just because I don’t have mine with me. I’ve been alienated before. My baby group mums group became quite close and we would often meet up every now and then when we could coordinate babysitting or partners to be home with the kids. I was the first to become pregnant a second time and had severe hyperemesis so declined a couple of nights out as I literally couldn’t move - had been in hospital twice. I then had my second baby and the invites to mum’s nights out soon stopped.

Your friend does need to try and make some new friends with people who have children but that might be harder than it sounds.

Oh and on a side note. I’ve always wondered why childless people are on Mumsnet?? I joined it as a mum. But I see so many people on here who don’t have kids.

Babysitting a ‘couple of times a year’ is the least of what the friend is asking and the OP has said it’s so she can date.

I get why you're narked off and don't want to help, but let's be honest, it's a mild inconvenience for you and a life-changing mind-fuck for your friend, who I feel really sorry for. She was happily child free and probably now really struggling. Probably very lonely as her friendship group are now not on the same page at all. You've been amazing helping her with chores but I think she needs to pay for a professional babysitter so she can have a night off.

Between 10 friends babysitting would be 2-3 times a year, doesn’t seem like a big ask.

It's a huge ask for people who don't like children - it would be 2/3 times to many for me!

Offer to go with her to a mums group, hold the baby when they’re there so she can have a brew and talk to the other mums.

WTF?! Why on earth would someone who doesn't like children go to a 'mums group', which will be full of them?! Also aren't things like that usually during the day? Surely you wouldn't expect people who are presumably working to take time off for this hell?

Exactly. It may not seem a big ask in theory, bit in practice it could be a huge headache.

Oh and on a side note. I’ve always wondered why childless people are on Mumsnet?? I joined it as a mum. But I see so many people on here who don’t have kids

Oh that's original. I can't ever remember anyone asking that question before. Can anyone answer?

Oh and on a side note. I’ve always wondered why childless people are on Mumsnet?? I joined it as a mum. But I see so many people on here who don’t have kids.

I take it you haven't noticed all the boards not related to kids?

So you say money is no issue for her that she doesn’t need the father to contribute etc
Then she needs to pay for childcare to enable her to live her life as she wishes. If that leaves her short of money then she needs daddy to contribute!!

she could realistically have a live in housekeeper/nanny/mums help/au pair and have help with cleaning etc

she sounds super cheeky!!
if she has so much money why doesn’t she have a cleaner?
what are he’d childcare plans when she returns to work?

I don’t blame you…I’ve had five kids I wouldn’t want to babysit more lol

@Divorcednursemummy try reading the OPs posts that you’ve spent long enough trying to pick apart to justify your ridiculous stance.

The OP has said it’s to date and go out on the razz. I’m not judging but she can pay for a babysitter. You yourself (when you bother to read the posts) acknowledge that said friend is financially ok so she can afford childcare.

She doesnt want to. Instead she wants to be a CF and rely on her friends to do that for free. Also if she’s doing it to join their nights out and one of the friends is stuck babysitting how is that fair on them?

Offer to go with her to a mums group, hold the baby when they’re there so she can have a brew and talk to the other mums.

Fucking batshit to even suggest this. How about the mother hires a paid nanny? Some of the shite posted to this forum about how childfree people should volunteer their apparent neverending free time is a study in itself.

Can people really not wrap their heads around people who don’t have kids posting on MN despite the fact that AIBU has the most traffic of all the forums and isn’t often child related?

It’s also perfectly reasonable to post this on MN because a lot of parents do post here and it can give an insider scoop as to whether or not such arrangements are the norm.

Thankfully most of the replies including from the parents in this thread have been in support of OP.

Some of the shite posted to this forum about how childfree people should volunteer their apparent neverending free time is a study in itself.

Isn't it just. It's been quite a revelation, the degree to which some people think childfree people should be handmaidens to those who have chosen to reproduce.

I found myself pregnant after 14 yrs from what I thought was my last baby. Both my closest friends had children similar age as my older children.
I knew my new baby will rock the dynamics of our meets and during neonatal and later on baby friendly places I found a new crowd of mums with similarly age children albeit I am a much older mum. I still meet up with my old friends not Lo is older but during baby stage they so didn’t want to go hang out in baby friendly places ALL the time. Your friend is being a cf at the rota ( .

Some of the shite posted to this forum about how childfree people should volunteer their apparent neverending free time is a study in itself

We have nothing else to do in our sad lives, obvs, so we can volunteer our never ending free time for something we don't want to do in the first place.

I once had to sellotape the nappies to my mates bairn, it was the last one, she was out and getting more on her way home. But anyway I bathed him and put talc on him and used too much, got it all over the sticky bits, mate was I'm hysterics when she came home and the nape was literally taped to the kid 😆😆😆😆

I’m not sure she is being demanding or entitled. OP said that she suggested a rota. Sometimes when you need support, it is helpful to spell out what that looks like for you. Like I said - asking is not unreasonable. Expecting it is.

A formal rota?

I would LOVE one of those for myself 😅

So your friend tootles off for her fortnightly fling whilst you take turns with the baby. What happens if there's another baby from another ONS?

I have 2 children, a partner, parents and 3 sisters within 6 miles of me, not to mention wider family such as in laws etc. and I do not get a night off every other week so it’s quite a lot to expect.
I can sympathise with how lonely being a new parent is, but she’s not helping herself at all here. She can absolutely join you on your nights out, she just needs to organise childcare which it appears she’d have no problem paying for. She can find someone who is happy to come on a regular basis and her little boy can bond with and get used to so it’s not like leaving him with a stranger (if that’s even her concern).
Despite having 2 (who I adore before I get accused of hating my kids), I don’t actually like children in general. If my partner and I go out without the kids it will be somewhere where there aren’t any. I never babysit, not even my nieces and nephews. I would in an emergency situation or if my sisters were really stuck but I’m their last resort and everyone is fine with that.
If she took up a new hobby and tried to force you to join in, the answer would be clear, you don’t have to.
Essentially she’s trying to make you do something you don’t want to and that makes you uncomfortable. That’s wholly unreasonable. No is a full sentence. Because I don’t want to is a valid reason. She needs to understand that.

I’m not sure she is being demanding or entitled

She's in a financial place where she can afford paid help but she expects her friends to chip in for free
She expects childfree friends - some of whom have NO interest in children - to set up a baby sitting rota
She expects the group to completely change direction so she can bring baby along to all their get togethers
She's getting snippy because having the baby means she can't attend some of the get togethers (the holiday in Portugal)

I'd really not like to see what you consider being entitled if the above isn't.

@Shebaguinea
Being around babies alone freaks me out a bit tbh, I have no idea what they want of what to do with them when they're upset! I have zero maternal instinct. I've offered to take her dog instead.

At last someone else the same as me, have never ever wanted a child. I’ll look after friends animals from cats, dogs, chickens, horses etc, quite happy poo picking & mucking out but a human baby is an absolute no no.
When I worked in an office (retired now), I would make the obligatory cooing noises & ahh isn’t she/he sweet (for the parents benefit so as to not hurt there feelings, learned to do that over the years) when colleagues brought their newborns in for a visit but was always in the background when baby cuddles where on offer.