Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

Even though I have three of my own, I am not a kid person. (I love mine, like some of their friends, but really can’t say the same for most kids.) I get it. I have only cleaned and cooked for one of my friends when she had a baby who had cancer. She and her DH were almost always at the hospital and came home simply to eat and sleep. I didn’t do any baby stuff, and their house was pretty clean (nobody there, pretty much.). I fed their cat and played with it (a little bit). Nobody I know would EVER expect anything like what your friend seems to. She has she always been entitled? Why isn’t she paying someone so that she can still go out and play with you lot? Why does one of her friends have to miss out on a good time so that she can have one? Hard pass.

Your friend is a massive CF. I have 3 kids but if someone keeps insisting on bringing kids to kid free hangouts I would be pissed off. They change the tone massively and I totally understand not wanting to spend time with babies if you are intentionally child free!

Gosh I’ve had five children, love them, run kids groups. Had a career working with children. So probably the other end of the spectrum to the OP.

I wouldn’t want to go on a babysitting rota! I have a life, I don’t mind some help but it’s not my baby. Emergency hospital admission, I’d step in for a friend, but not for regular nights out.

If she has money she needs to build a relationship with a local babysitter, maybe find a nursery nurse looking for cash from evening babysitting. Paid childcare is really her only realistic way forward, so start now.

Every nanny or babysitter is a stranger at the start! But they stop being! She is in a group of friends who specifically are a group because they have chosen to be childfree , are not being selfish for not caring for a child that would have a babysitter/nanny, if they liked children they would have choose to have one. Who would the mum think that they are the best option for her! If she couldn't afford childcare then yes maybe ask friends and they have right to say no.

I'm a child free 42 year old. I don't have a maternal bone in my body. Babies especially I am clueless over. I don't care whether it is every 12 weeks or once a week I would be absolutely clueless to babysit. I wouldn't have a clue how to feed, change a nappy, how to ease crying etc or even hold a baby and I have absolutely no desire to. Infact I'd be so stressed out if someone asked me I would have to say no, I'd be scared of injuring a baby, dropping it, what if it choked etc. My level of baby knowledge is zilch and close friend or not I would have to say no. I'm with you OP I think it's unreasonable and if be very clear on why I think it is. I just wouldn't want that level of responsibility.

Every friend I know has kids and I have nieces and nephews. I'm ok with my nephew now he's 8 and he has stayed with me a couple of times but up until about aged 4 I had little engagement with him. I mean I'd speak to him, play with toys etc if I saw him but I wouldn't have felt comfortable baby sitting. At this age (8) he has very adult like conversations with me, enjoys learning about countries I've visited and helps me feeding my chickens.

With friends with kids I've been to soft play and had a catch up with them. It's not the best of catch ups in between screaming kids, someone doing/finding a poo in soft play though but I understood if I wanted to see friends with kids sometimes there was a compromise. I find friends with children value our adult time and often will get messages that they have arranged sitters etc and want some adult catch up time. Naturally whilst the kids were young I think friendships drifted a bit as friends formed relationships with other mums and school mums etc but as kids are now at school or growing up closer friendships are returning.

I think the cooking, cleaning, pet sitting etc is a lovely offer and whilst not babysitting surely this is helpful too.

Just wanted to throw in some support to you OP as someone who would be absolutely having a meltdown if someone asked them to babysit a baby!

Like someone said up thread this is like a group of friends becoming friends as they are vegan and then one decides to eat meat and not only is she expecting them all to go to steak houses, she is expecting her friends to eat steak on a rota! So bizarre she needs to be told bluntly. That it's unreasonable and not OK and she needs to hire a nanny or babysitter.

Only read first page but I have a different perspective. I would help. She is in a desperate situation and has no life/ no break for about 14 years with no childcare so yes I would help. I would not want my friend broken mentally and emotionally by not getting any respite. .

I would see it as if there are a group of you, then once a fortnight is surely only once every few months each? Yes I would help. It’s not that much of a pain for me and it would help my friend more than I can ever imagine. It might stop her from breaking.

You post does however prove the lie of ‘Friends are the new family’. Most friends are in friendships for the benefit it brings to them and any support is limited by the ease of delivering it and is conditional.

Why is she in a desperate situation? She’s very well paid. She can sort her own babysitting.

There are countless threads on here with posters complaining about family members being unwilling to provide childcare, so I’m not sure why that is indicative of friendships being of a lesser value.

She can afford childcare, but instead she seems to want to rely on friends she knows full well are childfree and have zero interest in babies. She doesn’t just want childcare either, she wants every meetup to be child friendly. Her life changed when she became a mother, but that doesn’t mean she gets to demand her friends lives revolve around that too.

I have 2 children and I’m a single mum and I’ve never once asked a friend to babysit!
She could easily hire someone to do this for her instead of expecting friends to sign up to some bat shit rota!

I’m in my early 50s and childless and have a few childless friends and some with kids.

Although we would socialise with mums with kids and have done it does change the dynamics a bit. I used to be friends with (see them less now one moved away etc) neighbours and friends with young children who couldn’t wait to escape their kids and come out for a child free night out.

The goalposts have changed in your situation with your friend and I can totally get that your friends and you don’t want to be a presumably unpaid babysitter service for your friend especially as none of you have children. Even having young children round for a night out can change goalposts.

She’ll have to try groups like Gingerbread for support or other parents locally to socialise. Long term it may even be an option for her to move home if that’s where family are from, for support.

Is @SophieHope7 a poster asking why child free women are on MN? I originally joined years ago when Ives in a relationship and TTC. Obvs didn’t work out either way but that was why I joined. I stayed and changed name as there are other boards including Litter Tray and S&B which I love. I also have a 5 year old nephew, 2 year old nephew and 6 year old niece. Plus my SIL is expecting again. MN gives good advice on everything not just parenthood.

Don't think I'd even fancy leaving my child with some v obviously (and totally justifiably!) non-kiddy people: would they know how to react in an emergency?

How about: "It might be good to have the same babysitter for continuity....here's this link to a great agency someone at work recommended"...!

Is she strapped for cash? Wondering why she wouldn't just find herself a decent baby sitter to have him so she could join in on some child free time with her friends

If she is skint, could you offer to pay for a baby sitter for an afternoon - firmly as a one off gesture? That would be a kind gesture but only if you are able to afford it yourself (could you all chip in "here's £60 get a babysitter so you can come")

If money is not a problem for her then obviously the above doesn't apply.

The rota idea is ridiculous, but I feel for her a bit- parenting when there's two of you is hard and relentless and if she is on Mat leave perhaps a baby sitter isn't affordable

RTFT. You’re not the first one to tediously urge the OP, who’s already done loads, to #bekind 🙄

For a single parent the apps like Bubble can add up to a lot.

Did you join mumsnet just to post this question? If you were already a member it’s very strange you’d join a page called mumsnet if you don’t want children.

I am not child free, whatever that is, but no one has been asked to cook and clean for me, or do my shopping. Weird friend you have. It sounds like a commune! I think you have to be blunt.

Is she strapped for cash? Wondering why she wouldn't just find herself a decent baby sitter to have him so she could join in on some child free time with her friends

OP has confirmed that she has plenty of money. She wants her friends to babysit so that she can go out on the pull.

Just read it all, yeah cheeky get a baby sitter - can't believe she hasn't already!

It’s not awful of you all to not want to do this. I personally would help out as I know how hard it is having a baby on your own. But she cannot just expect people to want to help, but good she’s reached out, might be worth a good open and honest chat with her as if she’s asking for help, it’s likely she needs it

Then she needs to use this money to pay for fortnightly childcare so she can go out with her group of friends.

1. Anyone can post on MN, being a parent is not a qualification.
2. The OP's question concerned a parent, as it happens.

When I was CF, I had a friend who thought that because I didn't have DC, my free time was hers to hijack. I remember her DH wasn't able to go to a 20 week scan with her and hold the other DC, so I was asked told I had to take her. At the time I had a regular yoga class that was really helping me stay calm through my own fertility treatment. She went mad when I said I was busy and that my class wasn't important. After that I realised that we all had to bend over backwards for her as she had DC and we didn't, and her time was precious whereas she thought we had loads of spare time, which we didn't. CF people have things to do as well you know, like work FT, keep their own home, hobbies and tender their own relationships.

The relationship ended when I needed some help and she was "too busy" and then she didn't contact me for 6 months, until after my stress episode had passed, and I just told her to do one.

Found the entitled parent.