Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

See the bit about a nanny to do the work while my mother did the fun stuff. I don't think I'd be signing up to a roster for childcare either, grandchildren or not. My mother did love children and was happy to volunteer but she was certainly not dragooned into providing care on a roster.

I think she needs to accept she won’t be able to do the same things she did before having a baby - at least fir a few years.

If money isn’t an issue she can get in child care for the occasions she wants to join the group for a night out. She also needs to make a few mum friends for socialising with other children.

She can still be part of the group but she needs to accept her situation has changed. The Rota thing sounds a bit bonkers and sounds like she wants to have you as family support rather than actual babysitting? Maybe the odd dinner at hers while baby is in bed would be a compromise. She gets company but you don’t have to babysit.

What a sad story about your group of friends and our society. Parenting is not for a single person and not even for a couple. Village is missing - that's behind all the depressions and divorces. Parents will burn out.

If you tried once, you would see how childish your group have behaved. Maybe you would even like being with the baby, if you'd give it a chance. When the boy is bigger try letting your friend have a break for couple of hours. Friends should start to build a relationship with the child gradually - maybe that's the problem. Baby will not be happy to be left with the strangers for a day.

I never wanted any children or care about them but I’m in a community called mumsnet … so odd .
You off course do not need to babysit , it seems your group of 10 is about to become a group of 9 because 1 will realise the other 9 where not as big a friends as are thought . I feel for her , probably see you all as family and about to realise she is now a burden .

There's nothing that says PND more than wanting to go out on the town and meet new men.

After your update I think the friends who won't even lower themselves to a child friendly restaurant occasionally don't sound much like friends at all. Not all less expensive restaurants are 'crap' 🙄

I agree. Not wanting to babysit is 100% fine and totally understandable but this sounds really snobbish and nasty and making group chats without her?- yeah, really great friends. What happens if one of the group falls on hard times money wise and can no longer afford expensive fancy restaurants?- I presume they'd also be dropped?

OP has said: But we didn't have babies because we didn't want them!

I have reiterated my offer of doing her a batch cook etc and a deep clean once a fortnight, but she wants to go out/go on dates etc. I really don't want to babysit.

Clearly, she is thinking about her friend and doing more than I have ever seen done. The baby is 11 months old, not a newborn. Who expects their friends to act as servants?!

She has also said: In her career (from which she's on maternity leave) she's very highly paid and she isn't interested in him contributing financially and doesn't need it. Money isn't an issue.

So she can hire a babysitter, a cleaner, pay for meal delivery. She cannot expect her friends who have no experience with babies to come and sit with the baby while she goes out and meets new men.

Reading updates from OP I don’t understand why the friend doesn’t get a nanny?

if money isn’t an option surely she can afford it

and she will be back at work in seven months anyway - IMO it makes sense for the nanny to form a good relationship with the baby now and it will be less stressful when mum goes back to work

@Shebaguinea has anyone suggested this to her?

*if money isn’t an issue - 😂 I’m tired af

YANBU. Your friend is being awful. She needs to find and pay for childcare herself and not ask/guilt you all into it. I don’t live near any family and know how hard that can be but it’s not impossible. I have many childless friends and wouldn’t have dreamed of asking them to look after my baby.

Sounds like you are already doing plenty to help. Babysitting should be offered, not demanded.

I didnt feel comfortable babysitting a tiny baby alone but would however go to my friends when she needed a shower etc and just sit in the same room as the baby while my friend had a bath/shower/got dressed/had breakfast and coffee in peace. I didnt feed the baby or change nappies.Could this be an option for you?

Think you all need to get together as a group and remind her none of you have children for a reason. While she thinks it is unfair on her how about the other side of the coin that it is unfair on the rest of you to expect you to get involved when she had known all along your position as a group on children hence none of you have them. I have 2 DS, I also have family and friends that love them and want to be involved plus friends that don’t. I respect the wishes of both groups and never force my children on those that prefer not to be involved at all. TBH I wouldn’t want to put my kids in that situation. I always tell my children that actions have consequences and she needs to realise it was her choice to have this baby (unless she involved you all in a group conversation about her options and then took a vote which I doubt) therefore the consequences of that decision are hers and hers alone. Think you have already been most helpful.

Mumsnet hasn’t been ‘just’ a parenting forum for years. Men and women come here to get employment, legal and health advice. They ask questions about addiction, fertility, relationships, and parking. They talk about holidays, pets, and disabilities. Most of this has nothing to do with parenting. Mumsnet is a broad church and everyone is welcome, not just those with children.

YADNBU! What on earth is she thinking?Yes of course you will all drop whatever you are doing to provide a free babysitting service! There are agencies for that.I think you have done more than enough already.Give her the number and say that you cannot help (Dont apologise) You have nothing to be sorry for!

Mumsnet is so confusing. Usually on friendship threads it’s “they don’t owe you anything”, “no is a complete sentence” and “don’t be clingy/needy/desperate” but when a child is involved it’s the complete opposite?

This would drive me mad OP, I think you’ve been very reasonable with the help you’ve offered considering the group has bonded/formed over being childfree. One group member changing their mind and having a child does not get to dictate what all the meetings. Soft play vs wine tasting? I don’t even drink and I know which one I’d pick 😂

Mumsnet is so confusing. Usually on friendship threads it’s “they don’t owe you anything”, “no is a complete sentence” and “don’t be clingy/needy/desperate” but when a child is involved it’s the complete opposite?

Almost everyone has posted along the lines that you did. Why are you confused by a handful of polar opposite views? (Might actually just be one person posting prolifically actually, I can't be bothered looking!)

Loads of people have posted saying exactly what you think. A few random CFs outliers have told the OP to #bekind

It’s almost as if MN is made up of a load of individuals…… 🤔

OP, you could ask your friend if she has ever joined a babysitting rota for other people. I bet she hasn't

Agree with PP there's a lot if misogyny about letting the absent Dad off the hook completely whilst expecting women to step up and care for a baby

She will make other friends with children as her little one gets older. She is probably feeling isolated and lonely with no partner and family. Can you to encourage her to join groups with people with children? Babysitting rota -absolutely fair enough to say no but you sound a decent person and she obviously needs her friends so great you aren’t cutting her out.

Ah the old village crap. You have a kid it's your responsibility.

It's funny people will state the village rubbish, but if your child is misbehaving, if anyone else tells your kid off all hell breaks loose.

She must have known that a group of childfree friends wouldn't be chomping at the bit to spend lots of time around a baby. I think once a month meeting somewhere child friendly (for those who want to go) is absolutely fine, if she wants to go to more meet ups she can find a babysitter or similar. Even a lot of people who actively enjoy being around children would probably be loathe to have a babysitting schedule decided for them or to revolve their entire social life around it. It would be good for her to meet some new friends to expand her circle at baby groups or something, not your responsibility though. You can be a good friend without doing everything that's demanded of you.

When I had my children I struggled a bit with executive function. Things which had obvious solutions didn’t feel obvious because my whole brain was taken up with feeding/sleeping/organising/keeping baby alive. Combine that with lack of sleep and it took me a year to feel back to myself.

I think that the most helpful thing you can do is help her to put long term solutions into place. I’m a single parent and it’s just not realistic to rely on friends for cleaning, meals and childcare.

Could you go over one evening and have a really good heart to heart about what single parenting will be like. She earns well so this should be totally doable but she needs a paid cleaner in place weekly - help her look at options and find someone. She needs a regular babysitter with a dbs check and experience of babies- help her find one (ringing nurseries is usually the best bet). She needs a meal solution which works for her and baby even if that’s a stock of posh ready meals until things are easier. And she needs a plan for decent childcare once she goes back to work.

In her position I would put baby into nursery a couple of mornings a week to give herself a break and to get them settled. With a full time booking from a couple of weeks before she goes back to work. I’d then book occasional extra days when I wanted to attend something, and ask the staff for evening babysitting.

If you can help her to some longer term solutions like that I think you would be being hugely supportive without having to wipe up poo 🤣

So one of your group misses out when she gets to go out with the rest of you as they are babysitting, really? How can she ask that?

She has become a different person by having a child and wants to change the dynamics of the group which is a big ask. It sounds like you are already doing above and beyond. Don't make her choices become yours!

Also if she is using her 'evening off' for dating your group maybe looking after 2 children sooner or later!

Did you miss this bit in the OP?

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all.

Presumably the friend was well aware of the dynamics of this friendship group, and it is very selfish to expect everyone else to suddenly change their mind and enjoy being around children and to want them involved in social outings.

Well, it’s clearly the friend who is self-centred and ridiculous. She chose to have the baby, nobody else. She chose not to bother nagging the father, but to impose on friends to do what she wants, regardless of their feelings. It is perfectly reasonable to help her out in other ways - lovely, in fact, and apparently more than she deserves if she doesn’t appreciate it! Yes, as a friend, she should be kept in the loop and included in social events - but not in everything you do, because she now has other responsibilities of her own; her responsibilities, not anybody else’s. Her friends didn’t join in on her one night stand - you don’t have to take part in everything together…