Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

I would'nt expect that of my friends tbh. So yes, yanbu. BUT it would be nice if you were to help her a bit. Not a rota or regular care but it wouldn't kill you to go to child friendly places so she can get out the house. Or do one nights babysitting - if the baby is sleeping through you'll never see ur.

In time your friend will make friends with kids but for now you are all she has. Having a new child is TOUGH in ways you can't appreciate unless you have one. Anything you can do to give her even an hour of time off would be greatly appreciated.

All my friends have kid. Some only had one, some had 6, some are single parents by choice, some are single not by choice, some are married, some have step kids as well, some have severely disabled children and a whole bunch of circumstances... not once have we ever asked each other to babysit our kids.

That's just not something people really do.

There are all sort of people in Mumsnet - child free threads, ask me anything, even men… it’s not that weird

Years ago when I was child free a friend suggested a rota for her baby. I refused. Some people signed up for the rota but quickly became resentful and felt they were being used. The friend with the baby lost many friends with her unrealistic expectations.

How about swapsies? You all WILL babysit once a fortnight...if she designs her own rota to clean one of your houses for you once a fortnight...

Completely undestand you don't want to commit to it, and you do not have too. You are already helping a lot. However, I do not think the request is not too onerous. If you have a group of 10 friends, and she is asking for an evening every quarter, it would equal to babysitting twice/three times a year max... Would be happy to do that for a friend, provided it would be an evening I was free and would not have to change any plans.

Sorry for typos/bad grammar in prior post - Completely undestand you don't want to commit to it, and you do not have to. You are already helping a lot. However, I do not think the request is too onerous. If you have a group of 10 friends, and she is asking for an evening every quarter, it would equal to babysitting twice/three times a year max... Would be happy to do that for a friend, provided it would be an evening I was free and would not have to change any plans.

Here you go. It's in the OP's OP.

Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend

'Nuff said.

Do you not think the part of your comment to focus on is “if you are struggling”? They may not want children but I’m assuming they still want friends and true friends are there when you’re going through bad times no matter what.
The fact it sounds so ridiculous makes me believe that either we’re not getting the full story or this mum is truly struggling and trying to find a way to force the conversation without starting it herself.

If the cf friend met a man on one of these dates the rota will be more than once a fortnight.. The lucky top 7 mates will get 1 night a week each!

Funny how none of you like being around children when you seem to act like children. Sounds like she's losing all her friends because she had a baby. You know babies are people don't you? They are literally just people. She is probably feeling sad that the new little person in her life has been completely rejected by all the people closest to her. When the kid is 20 will you have a relationship with him?

She does need to find Mum friends though. If she doesn't want to do that then it's her fault but it's not entirely her fault that her friends are fucking rude about her kid.

Ok everyone's different I suppose. I love my step dss and relish time with them. Sometimes I could tear my hair out but they're so interesting and fun. Making them laugh is the best. I was never maternal until late 20s. I hope my adult DSS have dcs but that's up to them.

I know it is sad. I often wonder about the reasons people don't want to be around dcs? They bring so much joy.

Also my group of friends are childfree and don't know any babies. But when my baby was born they treated him like one of the gang and they act like they like him at least. If they didn't I would be really upset and just completely ditch them as that would just be really cruel.

Goes without saying though that I don't expect them to babysit / go to soft play but why does this scenario have to be so extreme both ways?

She actually does not want her friends to do anything without her that she would not be able to do because of the baby, including a vineyard holiday to Portugal they've been thinking about. If she'd posted about this "I've had a baby and my childfree friends want to keep going to non child friendly places most of the time" she'd have been told to suck it up. And if she'd posted "AIBU to want my childfree friends to set up a babysitting rota so I can have a night off once a fortnight" she'd have her arse handed to her.

I know it is sad. I often wonder about the reasons people don't want to be around dcs? They bring so much joy.

Because we're all different, and all prefer different things. Is it really a reach to imagine that people who have deliberately not had children don't have hanging round small, unpredictable, messy, noisy, sticky people in their top ten list of hobbies?

Some people have their reasons. I knew someone who didn't like being around children because they'd been so horrifically bullied as a child - due to a disability - that they still felt nervous around them.

To you. Your DCs “bring such joy” to you. You don’t get to tell other people what ‘brings them joy’.

The type of parent (usually a mother) who thinks being around her children must be enjoyable is usually the type of parent raising kids who are a nightmare to be around.

Also, if you mean being around a person’s own children must ‘bring them joy’ all the time, a lot of posts on Mumsnet demonstrate the contrary.

Raising children is hard, financially, emotionally and practically. If someone recognises that and doesn’t want to take it on, that’s a far more adult view than people like the OP’s friend who just trill ‘it will all work out’ and it turns out that’s because they expect other people to take on a big chunk of the parenting load.

OP, it sounds like you have been a very supportive and considerate friend. It's a real shame that your friend is taking the piss so badly. She has absolutely no right to demand this rota nonsense. None of you are obliged to get involved in looking after her child in any way. The nerve of some people!

And for the hand wringers on the thread, some childfree people love being around children, know a lot about children and love spending time with other people's children. Other childfree people don't want children involved in their lives at all - this is their perfectly legitimate choice. Not everyone enjoys the company of children, including plenty of parents in my experience!

I guess your friend still loves you all and hopes you all love her.
Be realistic and truthful.
Possibly you all would step in for a short few hours in an emergency.
Maybe some of you would baby sit once per year. If so say so and suggest when to pencil that in.
And probably you all don't mind when she shows up with the baby.
You just have to be honest and up front so your friend seeks help from else where for most child care. Is the father helping her with finance and care for the child? Suggest that he and his family does. The child needs to know it's family.

Because they don’t bring joy to everyone? I just lack interest in them like I lack interest in camping, religion, and MLMs. I’m sure there’s things I like that would bore you to tears, and that’s fine. The same will likely apply in reverse, and that’s fine too. Not everything appeal to everyone, and it doesn’t have to.

OP’s friend knows her friends aren’t interested in children, yet because she’s had one she thinks it’s reasonable that their social lives revolve around that too. They seem to be willing to have a child friendly meet up now and again, but that apparently isn’t good enough for the friend who wants it all her way.

Maybe it's not the DCs they don't want to be around. Maybe it's the parents who waffle on about how much job children should bring then.

Some mums are assaulted by their teenage sons on a regular basis but are expected to suck it up because its not taken seriously as a form of domestic violence. I wonder how much joy they are feeling?

Such a strange request. I didn't leave my baby even with its own father when it still woke up every 2 hours, let alone people who have no children or childcare experience. Is she ok? This doesn't seem like a very rational thing to be asking. I had a friend who went out all the time when one of her kids was a newborn and she had post natal depression.

I think it's perfectly sensible to join mumsnet to ask a question of, and get opinions from mothers. Don't you?

Your child being u joy, is not the same as anybodies child bringing u joy. I used to not understand why people didn't want children, it wasn't untill I actually became a parent, I realised why some people dont choose this lifestyle!