Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

I am not childfree and can say that YANBU. I don’t have expectations like that towards my friends, childless or not. She’s probably overwhelmed but still wrong in her expectations

Why are you asking on a parenting forum. Why are you even a member! Sorry I don't get it.

As for childless Mums netters what is that, why are you calling yourselves Mums if you are childless by choice?

It's really odd

What does “chat” have to do with parenting? Or for that matter AIBU or the many other forums which have many topics that don’t include parenting?

It may have started out for mums, hence the name but it clearly hasn’t stayed that way.

There’s a sub forum here for childfree/childless mumsnetters. No one who is childfree or childless is calling themselves mums, they’re calling themselves mumsnetters as in people who use mumsnet. Which is about discussing things other than children such as jobs, legal advice, houses, fashion, food, relationships, feminism, pets and more: and childless and childfree people may also want to join in discussions about children out of interest or because they’re a professional/expert in what is being discussed.

Are you new here? Lacking imagination, narrow minded?
Maybe ask MN HQ

This is already a long post but I will throw my pennies worth in anyway.

A lot of people with newborns, find that their brains stops operating the same way it did before they had one. They are hormonal, sleep deprived, barely eating, can't find time to shower and completely touched out. Every single day. (And even that feels like an understatement.)
So yes it is unreasonable for your friend to suggest a babysitting rota but in her defence she is possibly just not thinking straight right now. I think a kind way of dealing with it would be to gently let your friend know that although you would love to be there for her in any way you can, babysitting a young baby is simply not something you feel experienced in or comfortable doing but you would gladly help her find a lovely qualified babysitter, who would have all the knowledge in keeping her baby safe and calm so that she can get a couple of hours break.

I think you will find that it's your comments that are extremely odd!!!

Yeah last year was the first year in about five years we actually got some child free nights - felt like such a luxury 😂 2 weddings, a hen party, work Christmas party and a concert I had booked about three years ago. I feel like I did very well last year

DCs are (nearly) 5, 2 & 21m - so I feel like it was well earned

I guess what I was trying to say was if you think going into parenthood that a night off every fortnight is reasonable or doable then you really need to adjust your expectations!

No, you seem like a very supportive friend who is doing lots already albeit within your comfort zone.

YANBU - but might need to have a conversation where you explain you are happy to help in the areas you mentioned (if you are happy to continue) but you have chosen to be child free for a reason and not up for providing any childcare.

@Mousemousemummy Her friend has an 11-month-old now though, well past the newborn phase.

As a late in life mother myself your friend is batshit crazy. If anything you have all ready done WAY more then most friends. You have chosen not to have children as have the others in this group. You all have no obligation to assist her in this. Enjoy your meet ups and trips where you all chose to go. Having a child and not having a child both have consequences that your friend does not seem to understand. You have been a great friend

As an ambivalently childed person with both childfree and childless friends (and few childed friends), OP, I think you sound really lovely and kind, and your friend is taking the piss. I, too, only have family in NZ (where I don't live). That doesn't give me the right to expect my friends to look after my kids.

It almost sounds like she wants a "Three Men and a Baby" situation. She needs to realize that life is not like a movie. She decided this route and it's a route she has to traverse without expecting the rest of you to all of a sudden be "in love" with having a baby.

Like PP have said, she needs to find a "new moms" or "single moms" group to get the advice and support she needs. It is not your job to help raise her child. If you had wanted to do that, you'd have had your own child.

And sorry, but all I keep thinking is this: she wants to start dating again and hopefully she won't end up as a mother of three in the next two years, since caring for one child seems to be difficult for her.

Boy, I am afraid you might really freak out if you find that there are gasp, MEN on these boards!

Oh, the in-huge-manatee!🙄

I mean, really? You were joking, right? Using satire? Sarcasm? (begging here)

I haven't read the entire thread yet, but from the part I have read, it seems we're not being told whether the friend with the baby has been going the extra mile for some or all of the friendship group over the years, until recently when she had the baby. Such as, helping friends when they are sick, bereaved, or have no food in the cupboard, who don't drive or car in the garage, etc. This matters, because if she has been and now most of the friendship group (not the OP who has done lots) are being uncaring and inflexible, that's awful.

Should she really be expected to choose between having a baby and people she considers to be genuine long term friends? What kind of people think this is okay? The babysitting requests are going a bit far and it is understandable that some people won't want to, or feel that they don't have the skills (including the OP). Fair enough. The request to not go on the trip without her is unreasonable. The fact that some of the group aren't prepared to do anything that is baby-friendly is awful though and they sound snobby too. They are not her friends and seem to be somewhat obsessed with their childfreeness and unable to be friends with people who aren't exactly like them. I wonder what other changes of circumstance these people would distance from or drop their friends for? Urgh.

op has posted about her friends previous character/behaviour.

The group are willing to do things that are baby friendly but the ‘friend’ wants them to only do baby friendly things.

If the friend is dropped it’s because she’s entitled and rude not because she’s had a child.

If she is very well paid assumedly she can get a nanny or pay for childcare to support the lifestyle she wants. On the rota - I think it’s pretty clear that’s not reasonable and whilst she may be feeling that her life is having to change in more ways than one and was hoping her friends would all adapt to her needs, it’s fine to simply say sorry but no to childcare requests. Encourage her to join mum and baby groups, she may benefit from more friends with kids (as well as her old crowd). I think it’s natural that things will now move on a bit for all of you in different directions.

I can't get over the fact that you have repeatedly cleaned her house and batch cooked for her.

Once or twice when she's feeling overwhelmed in the early days I get, but repeatedly?

This isn't your child, this isn't your responsibility.

Your friend wasn't CF by choice but by circumstance and chose to have a child when the opportunity arose.

She CHOSE this, just as you've chosen to stay CF.

She doesn't have the right to foist her child into all her friends who have deliberately chosen to stay CF. She needs to make more friends, specifically other parents. Except she probably can't leach off them because they wouldn't give in to the guilt trips.

Exactly.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Her choice to have a baby. Doesn't give her the right to demand anything from any of you.

You are crazy to become her skivvie, cooking and cleaning, lifts to hospitals and doctors. It's not on. What about YOUR life and your hopes and dreams about your own future?!

I am a solo mum, I chose to do that. Friends help each other out but she is taking the piss. There has to be reciprocation or it doesn't work.

You need to gently tell her that you all have your boundaries in life, (it's hard enough!).

I brought up my son in life. Always happy when people help out but wouldn't dream of expecting it.

That is the reality of having a child. Whether on your own or in an awful relationship as you read so much on here, you are left holding the baby. So you have to deal with it.

OP, you and your friends are free to choose whichever life you want.

Why are you letting her guilt-trip you all? She chose to have the baby.

I've had children. They are now adults. I don't want top socialise with people with very young children and I certainly don't want to look after other people's children with their dirty nappies and sticky little fingers. I don't want to eat at the sort of places that are child friendly with sticky seats and bad food. I still shudder about the visiting child eating a lamb chop launching herself at a silk cushion when she bolted from the dining table.

I did go on a trip in the first year with our first child for 10 days to a tropical resort with my husband and we hired a qualified live in nanny to stay for the 10 days to look after the baby. (My elderly mother came to stay too but the nanny did the work and my mother did some of the fun stuff.) It cost a lot of money but it was our responsibility if we wanted a child-free holiday to a pay for it. I think your friend is totally unreasonable. We kept this up for quite a few years and our temporary gig was eagerly sought after by people at the nanny agency as it was very well paid, we provided plenty of spending money for outings, packed the freezer with homemade casseroles etc and the children were, on the whole, very well behaved.

Is your friend a mumsnetter? Hope not. Unless you've exaggerated/made up some information she'll definitely know this is about her. And hopefully doesn't have pnd?

What happens if you get grandchildren?

First I started reading this thread thinking, ‘wow she’s cheeky as fuck’ but then I actually started to feel a bit sorry for her as I read all of the OPs posts.

She has no family on this continent, the kids dad isn’t involved at all. I can see how she expected her group of friends to help her out when things changed for her. Yes, everyone in the group is childfree. But fucking hell would you really think your friends couldn’t meet with you in a child friendly place every single time. I don’t think that’s too much to ask at all.

So because people in the group don’t want kids, they have to avoid children like the plague? Absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting children but surely you can step in and help a friend in need who’s clearly struggling?

It’s really helpful that you’ve batched cooked for your friend and deep cleaned her place OP, really good of you.

But it is completely unreasonable to try and make your friends stop doing anything unsuitable for children. They’ve offered to make some of their meet-ups child friendly, that’s not good enough. She wants them to cancel their holiday, stop doing things they enjoy and babysit her child while she goes out dating. That’s not ‘stepping in to help’ that’s changing your entire lifestyle to suit a friend who is being rude and entitled. She’s getting lots of help and support and company from her friends and demanding more and saying what they do isn’t good enough will push everyone away. God help the poor mothers some posters are advocating she makes friends with - can’t wait for the cheeky fucker threads they start.