Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

I think a rota is a bit regimented but you’re all being thoroughly shit friends by not wanting to help her have a bit of time off.

I mean she could pay someone?

She has money to buy babysitter, why does her friends who have all specificly decided to not have children need to provide respite??

She should look for a live in nanny. If money is no object like you say then I think it's the perfect solution. It seems strange she is asking you all to become her 'village' when she knows your stance on children.

Maybe it can be suggested to her in a way of offering her the 24 hr support, which in the first few months is so necessary.

This is a woman who wants her childfree friends to only socialise in child friendly places whilst simultaneously wanting them to babysit so she can socialise in non child friendly places.

Meanwhile her friends are cooking and cleaning for her whilst still being called thoroughly shit.

Did she not think to abort.

Wow that's nasty.

She doesn’t want a babysitting rota to go out with this group of friends, she wants them to babysit so she can date.

To be honest , I'd be thinking more about your friend as the individual than the baby

I don't really like kids , childfree but when my friend needs me and needs my support I am there

It’s bizarre she’s trying to control a large group of adults and expecting them to fall in line with her wishes. You say she’s a high earner - am assuming she may be accustomed to ordering others around and setting terms and schedules? She’s treating you like staff to be popped on a rota, and is outraged at the mutiny.

You've already done a ridiculous amount of support work for her, it sounds. Stick to your guns.

Not read the full thread but read ops comments.

I was in your friends situation, I had a baby following a ONS and none of my friends (at that time) had kids. My dds father had no desire to be involved so I was a lone parent.

My friends did occasionally help with babysitting but it was a rarity tbh, they would sometimes come to my house in the evening when dd was in bed for dinner and a catch up.

I honestly think that your friend is going to realise she needs her family, friends just aren't the same, they won't be there for her or her child in the same way that (good) family would be.

I couldn't have raised my dd (who is now 17!) without my families support, I love my friends but I knew I couldn't rely on them in the same way I could my mum or dad who loved dd.

If I were her I'd be seriously thinking about going home.

I have four (adult) kid, and one grandchild whom I care for several days a week, and work with kids the other days... and I still think she's a cheeky sod for expecting you all to pitch in on a rota!!!!

She simply cannot expect a friendship group that is based on being happily childless to suddenly want to look after her child!!

She chose for whatever reason to have him.. she has to get on with being a parent, and it's goodbye to trips abroad , and girly nights out , especially when she's still breastfeeding! Lots of people (myself included) don't have family around to help out... (I have a dh but he was in the Forces and away for months at a time) and we just deal with it!

I think you will have to be politely blunt with her... she can either get a babysitter for occasional nights out, or find some Mum friends and start socialising with them!

Still same point thou , she has means to pay babysitter , she knows that they are not interested in babies as they would have had them themselves, I don't know why it's even an issue. If she didn't have the money for babysitter then it's more of a grey area and I could understand to a point wanting friend help.

The friend wants more than support though. Her requests are cheeky and/or controlling.

OP has done several deep cleans of this friend's house for her since the baby arrived. She's batch cooked for her freezer several times, and she's given her friend multiple lifts to appointments.

How on earth do you see that as not being supportive? For the record, that's more than anyone ever did for me when I had my kids, and I certainly didn't ask or expect my childfree friends to create a babysitting rota for me.

I have kids, I would bloody love a baby sitter for a night of every fortnight -

last year I had maybe 5 or 6 child free nights in total?

I feel for your friend as it is totally relentless… but that’s CF territory here

About 10 years ago I was single and I had a friend who gave birth to twins. She had a good husband, a mum who came to help for a week or two at a time every few months, a mother in law living not far away and a sister in law who could babysit, yet she asked me so many times to come and help.

On Fridays she'd be like: do you have any plans tonight? After a while I started saying yes even if I didn't.

She is very entitled usually and so our friendship broke during that time as she felt I didn't provide the help she expected.

I had my DD 5 years ago and didn't expect or receive any help from any friends, especially the ones who remained single or child free.

I understand where your friend is coming from though since she has no family here. It's incredibly hard having a baby but you all have to be honest with her.

Also OP, it sounds like you are a great friend.

you have done loads of things that you aren’t obliged to, and I would have really appreciated as a friend

I never had any child free nights since DD was born 5.5 years ago 😵‍💫. I have no parents in law, my mother lives abroad and DD is very attached to me so she'd not go to bed without me being around.

Sounds crazy but I don't mind...got used to it.

I’m a single mum by choice, I have never expected my friends to come and look after my son so I can go out!! It was my choice to have him and I don’t resent giving up my previous life to accommodate him. I think you just have to be firm and say that you arent comfortable around children so you don’t feel able to help her out in that way. There are babysitting agencies such as sitters that she can use if wants to go out

My son
is 5 and I haven’t had any child free nights either, it doesn’t bother me at all. I quite like having an excuse to not go out lol!!

really? Because the last part of the uk to decriminalise abortion under the terms in the abortion act was Northern Ireland in 2020, which was three years ago so you may be a touch out of date.

As said, the friend who had a baby thinks she should be able to continue with the same social life and that you should all facilitate it?!
It's like she wants to be the man and the rest of the group have to be co-wives😶
weird?
I never left my children when they were babies anyway, how can you when they need feeding on demand? Maybe she still doesn't really like small children either?

As a mum, she shouldn’t want to leave her baby with people who aren’t keen on kids. Why would she want her baby to be put in that position? She should be happy you’re supporting her in other ways.

or find some Mum friends and start socialising with them!
yes indeed! but presume she'd be expected to reciprocate and provide childcare in return?

I think you are an absolute angel already. You've cleaned her house!!!
It's not up to you or other friends to do this. Her suggesting a rota is unbelievably self centred.
Is there a bit of a cultural thing of your friend being very direct and the rest of the group being overly polite and scared to offend I wonder...
She just needs to be told. And find mum and baby groups.

If she's a well paid high earner then surely she should start shopping around for a live in nanny now so she can have her social life qnd get into a routine before heading back to work in next few months.

Has she even thought that there may be people in group who didn't nessarily choose not have children but option didn't present themselves or medically couldn't.