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Original poster

Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

1000 replies

Shebaguinea · 25/06/2023 17:19

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

OP posts:
squirelnutkin11 · 26/06/2023 22:29

She is being a CF, she chose to have this baby presumably because she wanted to, but she is wrong to expect any help or compromise from her childfree friends.

I have two children but before them avoided other peoples babies and children like the plague, even now l only like my own.

I love dogs and have always had one but if l have a friends who doesn't l don't expect them to come on dog walks and shut my dog away when they come over....it is the same with babies, not everyone likes them.

You have gone above and beyond in my eyes with the cooking and cleaning....

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/06/2023 22:31

"but I don't think you can ever imagine how isolating and identity destroying having a baby is"

Except for the nine zillion mum blogs, Mumsnet posts, articles, essays, etc. that have been saying this for the past 30 years. How anyone can be clueless about the grind is beyond me.

TheseThree · 26/06/2023 22:34

Wait… if I’m following, you’ve cleaned, cooked and given her lifts. She has (appears to have) the money for a sitter/nanny. She wants you all to go to child friendly places with her as the norm so she is included. She meanwhile wants you to babysit so she can go to adult places, which obviously means you’ll be excluded (for a child that isn’t yours). So she wants you all on a rota to miss out while she gets to do everything?

She’s lost her mind.

If you’re feeling exceptionally generous you could offer to help her search for a sitter, but insist that it won’t be you. That said, you have been exceptionally generous already. She needs to get her head screwed back on before she pushes away the friends and help she does have. Having children can be isolating for sure, but if she has the money for a sitter and is refusing to one, she has brought some of that on to herself.

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Catchasingmewithspiders · 26/06/2023 22:35

I don't think you can ever imagine how isolating and identity destroying having a baby is

I'm pretty sure childfree people can imagine it. That's why some of them are child free, literally to avoid that.

Childfree people lack babies not imagination and the ability to read the many many articles/blogs etc etc that say this very thing.

HamBone · 26/06/2023 22:37

Can I borrow you as a friend, OP? I’d really appreciate just one deep clean and some cooking. My children are teenagers so I don’t need a babysitter. 🤣

Upwiththelark76 · 26/06/2023 22:38

See irr the a a no from me as well OP! Couldn’t think of anything worse . Don’t allow this CF behaviour to manifest !

IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems · 26/06/2023 22:42

"but I don't think you can ever imagine how isolating and identity destroying having a baby is"

Errr most childfree people are aware of that and it's one of several reasons why they don't want children.

I often think childfree people have given more thought to what being a parent actually entails than many parents do before they decide to get pregnant. That's why they opt out.

GeWhizzy · 26/06/2023 22:44

I have kids, I love my kids, but I do not want to babysit other people's kids. At a push, I would for my sister but that's it.

GeWhizzy · 26/06/2023 22:45

Also, my eldest is 11, I have had 2 child free nights in 11 years. Its part of having kids, you can't just farm them out. A baby is a breeze in comparison to the attitude of an tween. A night off every 2 weeks is unrealistic.

Soozy58 · 26/06/2023 22:48

She needs to realise she chose to keep the child and dating with a young baby is a no no. I’ve raised 5 children (3 adopted) mainly on my own and would never ask a child free friend to babysit (actually not even one with children). No babysitting from family either. Sorry but a child is your responsibility and yours only. I used to go out every week with a friend who absolutely dod not like children and for about six weeks she came to me (baby in bed) and brought wine & crisps. As soon as my child could be left for the evening I got a babysitter. She’s shown zero interest in my children and I totally respect her choices. She does ask occasionally but isn’t really interested in the answer 🤣.
your friend is taking the piss and needs to make friends with other mums and forget dating. When she can get a babysitter she can socialise with child free friends.
just say no. Firmly.

Soapyspuds · 26/06/2023 22:51

If she wants a babysitter then she needs to pay for it.

I am aghast that she is even asking.

KimberleyClark · 26/06/2023 22:52

"but I don't think you can ever imagine how isolating and identity destroying having a baby is"

Errr most childfree people are aware of that and it's one of several reasons why they don't want children

But if we say this we are accused of being smug. We can't win.

JudgeAnderson · 26/06/2023 22:53

I don't think you can ever imagine how isolating and identity destroying having a baby is

I had a fair inkling, hence I avoided it.

minipie · 26/06/2023 23:01

But currently he only sleeps for about 2hrs at a time.

I have to say, if she was asking for help so she could get a decent night’s sleep once in a while (or even just a few hours sleep in a row in the evening) I’d kind of understand it and would like to think I’d help. Occasionally.

Asking for babysitting so she can go out or on dates - nope nope nope.

echt · 26/06/2023 23:02

Beelezebub · 26/06/2023 21:54

The problem isn’t that you’re all child free and she isn’t. It’s that she thinks the whole group should reshape itself around her a choice she made.

If you were all parents, I’m pretty sure you feel just as you do now.

This.

Robinni · 26/06/2023 23:03

I think you said it yourself about having children…

It's draining and hard and boring and stressful.

Please try to remember that this is what your friend is going through.

Personally as a mother I think it’s utter madness for her to ask people with no childcare experience to look after her baby.

But equally, being a new mother is challenging and in many ways a very tough job. So I imagine she is naturally reaching out to you and her other friends for support as it all feels very overwhelming and isolating.

I think you should be straight with her and say while her little boy is lovely, you still aren’t keen on caring for children. While you are happy to clean/cook to help her out (and isn’t she lucky!), she would need to find her own qualified babysitter/nanny to handle a child so young.

I think going to a child free restaurant once a month or so is fine. Try and remember a small gift for birthday/Xmas and ask how the baby is/care what’s going on with him. It will mean so much to your friend if you have some sort of acknowledgment of her son.

FlyingPandas · 26/06/2023 23:05

She's being totally unreasonable and I suspect she knows it but doesn't want to admit it.

It is absolutely fair enough that a group of childfree friends do not want to do a babysitting rota! Tbf even a group of friends with children might baulk at it.

You say that money is no issue - so what friend needs to do is to advertise for a nice, kind, regular babysitter, someone who loves kids and will get to know her DS and babysit every couple of weeks and on an ad hoc basis as and when required. That will effectively provide her with regular support - in return, of course, for the hourly rate of pay for babysitting in her local area. There will be people out there. A sensible older teen or twenty something student would be ideal for her I would have thought. I did lots of babysitting when I was doing my A levels and whilst at uni and happily took care of DC ages 6m and up. I'd have jumped at that kind of 'regular but not an every night commitment' type of arrangement - perfect bit of income with enough flexibility to fit around studying.

She is not unreasonable to want some support, and a regular meal out at somewhere she can bring the baby is not too big of an ask. But you can't ask a group of friends who have bonded over not wanting or liking children to change their entire social life to fit round a child.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/06/2023 23:06

IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems · 26/06/2023 22:42

"but I don't think you can ever imagine how isolating and identity destroying having a baby is"

Errr most childfree people are aware of that and it's one of several reasons why they don't want children.

I often think childfree people have given more thought to what being a parent actually entails than many parents do before they decide to get pregnant. That's why they opt out.

Winner!!

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 26/06/2023 23:07

But if she can afford a babysitter then why would she want one of her friends to miss each of the get togethers on a rota ! And also she specifically choose a group of friends who all are childfree! Why would she think they would be a better babysitter than an actual babysitter? That's crazy! I'm a parent and my 2 closest friends don't have children not by choice thou and I wouldn't dream of asking them to look after my girls!

HamBone · 26/06/2023 23:07

*The problem isn’t that you’re all child free and she isn’t. It’s that she thinks the whole group should reshape itself around her a choice she made.

If you were all parents, I’m pretty sure you feel just as you do now.*

I completely agree, @Beelezebub. Her attitude is bizarre.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 26/06/2023 23:08

I don't think you can ever imagine how isolating and identity destroying having a baby is

I think there are two groups of people who understand this only too well - people who’ve been through it, and people who actively choose not to do it!

ttcat37 · 26/06/2023 23:11

If this was me I’d see it as a mate desperate for some respite. I think a rota is a bit regimented but you’re all being thoroughly shit friends by not wanting to help her have a bit of time off.

user9630721458 · 26/06/2023 23:11

@Rachykins I agree, while the OP sounds great, the others sound shallow and not how real friends should be. It's a bit tragic to get to your 40s and find a longstanding group of friends will just drop you if you have a child. I lost quite a few CF friends when I had my first child, and I actually understood that the fact I couldn't do the same things, and couldn't hold the thread of a conversation because I was exhausted, was pretty boring for them! But I was much younger with more support, and I did have a couple of CF friends that persevered.

GreyGoose1980 · 26/06/2023 23:12

What your friend is asking is not normal in any friendship group, regardless of whether people have DC or not.

When DD was born my immediate relatives brought food over and offered to help me in the first couple of weeks. I wouldn’t have expected friends to do any more than come over for a cuddle, which they did along with kindly bringing a gift. None of my friends (with children and child free ones) have offered to babysit her or do any kind of chores for me and nor would I expect them to. People have their own busy lives and whilst we care about our friends, we can’t always prioritise them as much as your friend is expecting.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 26/06/2023 23:13

ttcat37 · 26/06/2023 23:11

If this was me I’d see it as a mate desperate for some respite. I think a rota is a bit regimented but you’re all being thoroughly shit friends by not wanting to help her have a bit of time off.

The OP is being a ‘shit friend’ for batch cooking for the OP and cleaning her house for her……..??

You realise this just makes you look like a really entitled CF who expects people to be at your beck and call?

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