Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

She's absolutely bonkers she chose to have a child you and your friend group chose not to , its not your responsibility to help raise her child or give her a break .
She sounds super entitled I'd suggest she asks her family because none of you are down to look after her child

You sound like a brilliant friend who has done a lot for her. You are not being unreasonable, you need to tell your friend that you aren’t comfortable babysitting.
I understand how difficult it is for your friend not being able to go out, but that happens to a lot of parents who don’t have family around to babysit, I’m one of them. But I made that choice when I had children, and as frustrating as it sometimes is not being able to go out, I accept that’s the way it is.
its sounds like she is taking you for granted, she needs to be told. Maybe help her look for a decent babysitter.

No, of course you're not awful people. Tbh l find your friends request a little unusual. I wouldn't dream of asking friends to babysit expect perhaps for a special/specific event. I certainly wouldnt ask just so l could 'have a break' and as for instructing you all to draw up a rota...now that's cheeky fuckery!
I think it might be worth setting out your stall a bit to avoid further disappointment down the line. Make it clear that you won't be coming to soft play, the park, nativity plays, 1st, 2nd, or whatever birthday parties. You might meet for a coffee, or call in when she has the baby with her but on the whole you're all not intending to change your lifestyle to accomodate her choices.

Well I have children and I wouldn't be that keen on looking after anyone else's! It's not fair to ask anyone to mind a baby if they don't have any experience of babies.

She's the one now out of sync with her friend group, and if she carries on as she is, she will lose your friendship. You've already done far more for her than any of my friends (or family!) ever did, which I'd never have expected anyway.

She's clearly got the means to sort this for herself.

She's financially stable? She can hire a babysitter! Why is this so difficult for her to comprehend?

It sounds like she's already received much more support from her child-free friends than most single mothers get. She shouldn't be surprised that the world doesn't revolve around her, even among her friends. People have their own lives!

YANBU. I'm a mother and I think your friend is very cheeky and delusional. You have been a good friend and
have done a lot for her with the lifts and cleaning. That's more than my parents did for me 😅
I was brought up to believe- if you have children, you look after them.
I would never ask a friend, let alone a child free one, to have my DD on a fortnightly basis. How ridiculous.

I feel for the woman and I hope she makes mum friends. This may come with time by the way, when the child starts pre school or school. It's not immediate for some.

@Shebaguinea be my friend instead. I have a child, don't worry, I won't ask you to babysit. But the cleaning, cooking, lifts... I don't even get that from family.
Sorry, she may be struggling, and as a single parent with little help, I do sympathise. Unfortunately, that doesn't entitle you to free baby sitters. Baby is small, you say so it will get easier for her eventually. Definitely try and work around her new life as a parent, coffee at home, a quiet cafe, walk on the beach, takeaway and drinks at home when little one sleeps through.
She probably hasn't realised yet but she's very lucky to have a friend like you.

You sound like a lovely friend. Just keep being friendly but firm on your boundaries. X

not actually sure why she wants you to babysit. my sister is childfree and the least maternal person i know and i actually wouldn’t feel safe leaving my kids with her for that reason :S

I think you need an honest conversation with her, where you point out that her decision to have a baby does not mean that everyone else's life is going to revolve around her child. That you all love her and are keen to stay friends, but that it's totally unreasonable to expect a childfree group of friends to now organise every outing and holiday around a baby - and that expecting childcare from you all is completely bonkers.

I think you and your group sound like great mates tbh. I am gobsmacked that you batch cook, clean her house, drive her to appointments... you're above and beyond in my book.

Absolutely agree with this assessment. She's massively unreasonable and you've been extremely good to her. (I have two kids, if that's relevant.)

There's a huge difference between a friend saying 'I can't cope, please can you all help me for a short while so I don't have a breakdown' and 'you childfree friends all now have to commit to regular babysitting so I can go out'.

The fact that she's got enough money for a babysitter and is still asking childfree friends to sit is gobsmacking.

I also think that the friends who are reluctant to occasionally go somewhere more child-friendly are unreasonable (but maybe they're just too pissed off at this point to compromise).

I'd nip,this in the bud straightaway - message back with a laughing emoji and a message along the lines 'OMG - this is a terrible idea, letting a bunch of people with zero childcare experience loose on your poor baby! I think you need to need to find more suitable candidates. '

Well… she chose to have the child despite the father being a ONS and she doesn’t want to lose out on social gatherings.

I am afraid she is in for a rude awakening. Having children after so many years doing whatever you want whenever you want it is really hard as you have to take them everywhere with you and you miss out on social occasions.

The expectations that the other CF people would chip in are wrong. You can’t expect that your problems are solved by others because of your choices.

She definitely has to get a grip. OP you’ve done more than enough to help this woman and you have stated clearly that you don’t want to babysit a baby. She needs to find other solution if she wants to join you again socially.

Having a first born is hard, specially without a partner in the picture. She should have thought it out better to be fair, now has to learn that her life does not revolve around her anymore.

Some of us had been planning to go to Portugal on a vineyard trip in the autumn and shes very vocally unhappy that we'd plan something she can't do.

This is nothing to do with you or with the other people of the group. Looks like she is throwing a tantrum. The world doesn’t stop revolving because she had a baby. Lots of soul searching and growing needs to happen here by your friend.

You’re not awful at all!! I feel sorry for her struggling but she sounds like she’s pushing her luck - a babysitting rota?! 🙈 no, no, no. I always made it very clear to my friends that I am not a babysitter. I’ve been asked and I just bluntly say no chance 🤣 have always said I’ll help with dogs but no kids! There’s a reason we don’t have our own 🤷🏼‍♀️

The problem isn’t that you’re all child free and she isn’t. It’s that she thinks the whole group should reshape itself around her a choice she made.

If you were all parents, I’m pretty sure you feel just as you do now.

A rota? What on earth? 😂 that sounds so forward of her when you seem to have done a lot already! Going to things with her or making lunches etc more child-friendly is just being nice but no one is under any obligation to be giving her a night off every 2 weeks! That situation should only come about if someone offers as a one off

It doesn’t sound like you’re being unreasonable. I think the expectation of a rota is mad and whilst she obviously is perhaps struggling to accept her new life as a mum; it deffo isn’t suddenly her friendship groups combined responsibility to help care for the baby.

That being said; I have felt really sad at some of the comments where you’ve mentioned predominantly some of the other friends in the groups views. I do find it odd that as grown women regardless of the fact you all chose to be CF adults that you’d be so quick to totally disregard a friend of that long because she has had a baby. The way some of them are acting are making it sound like the baby is some kind of contagious virus and now they must avoid at all times 😂

obviously it’s silly of your friend to expect that every time you all make plans that it should be something she can attend with her baby and you’re not wrong for carrying on socialising and going out without her- the only thing I find mean is the way some of the group are absolutely adamant they will have nothing to do with her if the baby is there occasionally on social trips where she could be included. It seems so salty and bitchy and not what a friend of years would typically be like.

I think your friend would be doing herself a favour to just let the majority of your friendship group go as they don’t sound like particularly kind women. Your friend really does need to try make friends with other mums although it can be scary and difficult so understand why she’s reluctant to try. The sad reality of motherhood is no matter what age you are; it’s often very common that you loose quite a few if your friends for various reasons as life just changes.

It would be a definite no from me for any sort of childcare rota. It also sounds like you have tried your best to offer the support which you know you can actually carry through with, continue to do that but don't let her guilt you into doing things you just don't feel comfortable with! I have a child, but I fully accepted that my life would change, and rarely asked for help from others (only a few times when I was really ill, and they actually offered). Do not feel bad about your choices or way of life!

I wonder if you could just like have pizza or drinks or order food in to hers on an occasional weekend night? This will mean she doesn't need a babysitter. There's a lot of comments on here saying she intentionally had a child so she should suck it up but I don't think you can ever imagine how isolating and identity destroying having a baby is. The thing about softplays etc is that it entertains the child and distracts them enough that you can actually have a conversation. I had notions that I would be sat in cafes with my kid but as soon as they became mobile that was completely impossible. Weird to create a rota but perhaps she is responding to vague offers of help with something concrete that will help her the most? No amount of people filling up my freezer or putting on a laundry could ever replace the devastating loss of my freedom and social life!

I think this was season 4 SATC when Miranda had Brady.

She’s completely unreasonable sounding like an actual cf . You and your friends sound amazing I would have loved someone to clean the house , lifts etc . Your doing more than enough , don’t be rail road in to babysitting , put a stop to that now

I’m a little bit fascinated and horrified that she thought people would go for this batshit idea.

I admit I haven’t read the full thread but my immediate thought was that she’s trying to make a way for her ongoing involvement in the group, by involving everyone with her baby it creates a new focus for your group and ensures she won’t get left behind. Of course she hasn’t taken into account the fact that a group of childfree people probably couldn’t think of anything less appealing.

You need to tell her that you don’t want the commitment or the responsibility of looking after a baby. I actually wouldn’t have a clue what to do with a baby and it’s unrealistic of her to expect that you’d happily take than on.

She’s in love with her baby and can’t understand why you lot aren’t. Memory is a funny thing where parents are concerned. Look at childbirth. It’s really amazing that any second children are born at all.

Haven’t RTFT. Her attitude is unbelievable, I’ve never heard of anyone having these expectations! I had children without family nearby and didn’t expect friends to help me out (either with children or child free), why would anyone.

If she wants to go out with the group, she’ll have to find a babysitter. I personally don’t think you need to help her with cleaning or food at this stage either, her baby is 11 months old, not a newborn. If she needs household help, she has the money to hire a cleaner by the sound of things.

What a weird outlook!