Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

Oh really? Well I live in the UK too and abortion is a crime and illegal where I live in the UK.

It's probably safe to assume that the OP's friend isn't living in Northern Ireland.

Nonsense. I'm 60 and have been having sex for 43 years and managed to avoid producing offspring because I didn't want the associated hardships. And I was fully prepared to terminate any unwanted pregnancy, so the "quality" of my sex partners has never been a factor in anyone else's life. If I weren't prepared to terminate, I'd have been FAR more careful about whose sperm was entering my body.

This person was not as diligent, picked a loser and now is experiencing the predictable hardships. It has nothing to do with "punishment for having sex" and everything to do with voluntary choices, and their consequences.

What she should do is pursue the father for child support and use the money to pay a babysitter once a fortnight so she can go out with her friends.

The OP's friend doesnt need to do that because she is a high earner and can afford a babysitter or a nanny, as has been explained many times. There is no need to condemn her to suffer in the bed she made for herself, because she can afford more time away from the baby then most people get!

This is a mad thread. How did we get onto breastfeeding and misogyny?

Exactly.

I am pro choice but I don't feel I personally could have an abortion, which is why I have always been very careful about contraception, even when in a long term relationship with the person I planned to marry. Zero pregnancy scares ever.

When I did start TTC I discovered that I get pregnant very very easily (I had recurrent miscarriages but conceived practically every cycle I tried).

What are the chances that the OP's friend had an implant or a coil or was taking her pill correctly AND used a condom AND happened to ovulate within days of having a one night stand and got pregnant as a result?

I saw that, but she's also asking people to babysit for free despite being such a high earner that she doesn't ask the father for child support.

If she's going to lean on anyone to relieve her from the monotony of motherhood, it should be the person who supplied the sperm. He is actually responsible for her situation; her friends are not.

Abortion was decriminalized in Northern Ireland in 2019. Also, as a woman with means she could have traveled to mainland UK, as thousands of northern Irish women did/do.

This person was not as diligent, picked a loser and now is experiencing the predictable hardships

Uhuh

It has nothing to do with "punishment for having sex" and everything to do with voluntary choices, and their consequences

righto. Not a hint of ‘they deserve it’ there at all/s

Honestly, why’s an opinion on their actions leading to this point necessary at all? It’s not is.

The only prudent point here is OP’s friend is asking her to do something she doesn’t want to do. It’s simple, don’t do it. Everything else is entirely superfluous. What is anyone getting out of analysing the actions of a woman who’s not even involved in this conversation?

Because the woman is acting like, "Poor me, I'm in this situation through no fault of my own and my friends aren't stepping up."

Even though she was always entirely in control of her own choices and her friends have been batch cooking for her and cleaning her bloody house!

Because she's being portrayed as a "struggling single mum" as though she was just selected by fate for these circumstances, rather than actively choosing them herself.

She's not a victim of involuntary misfortune.

Exactly! She chooses to let him off the hook while expecting her childfree friends to jump through hoops to help her. It's absurd.

I think poor OP has gone to clean her friend's house or do her laundry, while still being berated for not "being kind". It's mad. I can guarantee that no man would do this for a friend who could afford a cleaner or Hello Fresh. None.

It really is.

Which doesn’t answer any question I posed does it really?

@Shebaguinea she needs to find regular paid childcare - a babysitter or nanny and then she can come out with her child free friends.

friendships and social patterns change when you become a parent. It sounds like she’s fighting against this by expecting you all to hugely accommodate her and that is not reasonable.

you’ve already supported her far more than many people get from their families.

say no. And keep saying no to things you don’t want to do. There doesn’t have to be a reason.

is she back at work? As a single parent with no family she needs to find reliable paid childcare and mum friends where the help can be reciprocal asap

And the OP's friend had the baby because she felt it would be "her last chance". Not because abortion wasn't a choice for her.

And if OP and her friends did agree to this babysitting rota, which they obviously shouldn't, it wouldn't end there. She'll want them to become more and more involved in raising the baby.

Add in the fact she wants them to babysit so she can date and the last time that happened it resulted in a baby the friends are now expected to change their lives for and I’d be even more reluctant to babysit.

I find the Op's friend saying it was her last chance to have a baby interesting- if you're really CF you'd not think of an accidental pregnancy that way, a last chance suggests nearly missing out on something you wanted. I wonder if she really wanted a baby and this wasn't an accident at all but knowing her friends are CF she doesn't want to say so. Either way I'd be wary Op, sounds like none of your other friends are going to get involved and you could find yourself being the only one she calls on

Ravenglass, ironically you seem to be the one who lacks a good understanding of breastfeeding.

Having to struggle to avoid engorgement is a problem in the early stages of breastfeeding.

If you are still BFing at 11mo, it's unlikely to be an issue; your supply "matures" and becomes demand-led rather than hormone-led, and the amount of milk you are giving is far smaller at this stage, as an 11yo should be eating plenty of food.

Even women who are working full-time every day 9-5 are usually dropping the pumping sessions ("pump weaning") from about 11mo, earlier in some cases. I mostly WFH, but do go into the workplace on certain occasions; I could do full days in the office with no pumping at all from about 11mo.
When Can I Stop Pumping? – Motherlove Herbal Company

If we're talking about going out for only a few hours, the idea that she's going to have to faff about trying to prevent "engorgement" due to being away from her 11mo for such a short length of time is laughable.

BFing rates would be higher in the UK if we stopped spreading ridiculous myths about it - esp. the idea that BFing involves being trapped with a child for years on end, or requires extreme martyr-like parenting styles.

I suspect this has a lot to do with how she managed to accidentally get pregnant in the first place tbh. As I said above, it's very hard to do if you are actually being careful.

Yes, this.

I went back to work at 7 months postpartum. By the time my son was 9 months old we had dropped to three feeds a day, BF morning and evening and one bottle of expressed milk during the day. By the time he was 11 months old we swapped the daytime feed out for cow's milk and I stopped pumping. When I went away for four whole days when he was 11 months old I only pumped so my supply wouldn't dry up, I didn't need it to relieve engorgement. I successfully breastfed for 16 months.

Most of my dm's friends are child free (age range 75-90) and she's always telling me if she had her time again she wouldn't have any!

She sounds like an absolute delight.

I can understand her not wanting to lose her friends but pushing her baby in your face when she knows you don’t want kids???? Where are her boundaries?

I would tell her your happy to be friends but bot down with the babysitting