Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

Op I'm slight younger than your group but CF. My response to the babysitting rota idea would have been "haha No!!!" But like you would offer with looking after the dog and maybe shopping but not full on childcare .

I would be happy to occasionally go to child friendly places but not all the town

Time

None of it is really relevant right now through is it? She is where she is, there’s no going back in time to make different choices.

‘you brought it on yourself’ is spectacularly mean spirited and unhelpful. There’s no compulsion to do whatever she bids but equally there’s no compulsion to remain part of a friendship if your feelings are veering towards contemptuous.

I didn’t get the impression that’s where OP is but if she is she’s better off ending the friendship completely. It’s not healthy for anyone to be part of a situation like that.

How old is the baby? Does she go out to baby groups etc. She needs to make some "parent" friends to discuss this stuff with. Or pay a sitter.
It must be v hard with no support network but she must have realised that her life would change when she took this big decision. She's probably just really lonely and missing her old life and desperately trying to get a bit of it back. Which bluntly she can't, but she needs to go through a bit of a journey to get to a point of acceptance.

I very much doubt that MIND see each of those things as equally stressful. Planning a holiday or doing chores are hardly comparable to having a stroke.

I've had babies, I've had two family members have massive disabling strokes, and I nursed my late husband through his terminal cancer to his peaceful death at home. Oh, and I've planned holidays. Do you think those things were equally stressful?

You're just making stuff up now.

@saraclara, the point it it’s all relative. I’m not making up anything, I literally linked to Mind.

If we’re listing off shit life experiences for credibility points I’ve nursed a mother through cancer as a teenager, cared for a father following major strokes, dealt with family addictions, teenage sectioning and had a good old dose of PND following a difficult birth myself etc, etc.

None of that makes me the expert in other peoples stress. It’s not a competition because it would be a shit and crass competition. If someone’s struggling they’re struggling regardless of cause or circumstance.

And OP has been stepping up to support the potentially struggling friend, however she is not obligated to babysit an infant when she is not comfortable, or to join a formal rota. That's a complete overstep of a request.

Do you think perhaps not everyone's experience of having babies was exactly the same as yours though?

She's a single, older mum of a young baby wanting free babysitting from women with no experience of babies and no desire to babysit a baby, so she can go out on the lash and meet new men. That is what I deduced, but then I read the OP's posts, rather than just make fanciful things up and project them onto the OP.

She is also a well-off woman who can afford to hire a professional, who does know what they are doing with a baby, and she can go out on the lash then.

Actually think it’s crazy she chose to have a baby and now expects her friendship group to set up a rota to care for her child so she can go out on the raz! She can pay for a babysitter like everyone else.

This is all a huge detour from the question asked though. OP has not mentioned any PND. She's gone out of her way to orifice multiple feel clams, batch cookery and lifts to appointments. She is supporting this friend in the best way she can.

So why are posters like you suddenly saying that her friend is getting no support and has PND?

The poster who said that clearly these friends wouldn't support a friend who'd had a stroke or a bereavement is just making things up and finding false equivalences.

Orifice? OFFER!

"orifice multiple feel clams"

Ha ha ha!

Offer multiple deep cleans. I'm ditching Swype.

The poster who said that clearly these friends wouldn't support a friend who'd had a stroke or a bereavement is just making things up and finding false equivalences

Threads always seem to get sillier and sillier. It starts "my well-off friend has chosen to have a baby as a single parent and wants to chance how we socialise, I'm doing loads for her but she wants more" and somehow morphs into some poor struggling woman with PND who was forced to have a baby and has been abandoned with no support. People just make shit up.

😂😂😂

Yes, I would get it a bit more if she was asking her friends to have a night in at her house while her baby sleeps instead of going on a night out that she can't attend, but this is a woman who chose to have a baby asking friends who have chosen not to have babies to stay in her house and look after her baby so she can go out and pretend she doesn't have a baby. It's a bit much really, isn't it?

Paying for a babysitter might add significantly to the cost of your night out, but isn't it worth it to know that your baby is being cared for by someone who knows which way round to put a nappy on, and that you haven't jeopardised any friendships?

She's not being shunned, the baby is. She's welcome as she always has been, they, a group of people who've formed a friendship group around the premise of being child free, do not want to socialise in any way with the child.

As I said earlier, involuntary misfortune is one thing. Deliberately creating a crap situation for yourself and then expecting sacrifices from everyone around you, those who had no say in your choices, is ridiculous. Bed, made, lie.

Why would someone need an instructional video for wiping up poo? Most people manage their own arses without needing a qualification in it.

I wouldn't have a clue how to change a nappy. I've got to 48 without ever changing one (I called my Mum on the one and only occasion I babysat) and I don't intend to learn now.

Why on earth would anyone expect someone who doesn't like/want children to change a shitty nappy?

The baby's breastfed though, they're a package. Haven't time to explain the mechanics if you're not familiar but depending on their routine the amount of prep required to avoid engorgement etc could be huge.

The baby is almost a year old and presumably eating solid meals by now.

She can't do it because she's never done it and never learned. Therefore right now can't. The fact that she could learn is irrelevant, she doesn't want to. I can't speak Spanish, I could learn, but unless I do I currently can't speak it. See how that works ?

It may not be a choice for you, op's friend is in the uk where she absolutely did have a choice.

She doesn’t seem worried about engorgement if she wants to go out partying every fortnight.

Another choice; this person needs to make the choices that work for her but understand that there will be consequences. She can't expect her friends to absorb all the sacrifices and trade-offs.