Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

It's not my comprehension that's the problem here. "I can't do it" and "I don't want to do it" are not the same thing. I'm questioning the OP's statement that she can't do it, not saying that she should want to do it.

I think you missed the bit in the opening post where the OP said I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments. Apparently this isn’t enough for her friend.

Fuck that for a lark. I am also childfree, and have ensured that I am known to be completely useless with babies and small children. I have absolutely no idea what to do with them, and no desire to learn. Funnily enough, no one ever asks me to babysit for fear of their child being killed through sheer incompetence.

The childfree subreddit can be slightly on the extreme side, but you'll find plenty of kindred spirits there https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/

I have lots of friends and not one of them babysat for my kids as babies. In fact it's only grandparents who have done proper babysitting.

Any friends I knew independently of kids have done no childcare at all - why would they?
Mum/school friends have done some reciprocal pick ups/play dates but that's from age 4 onwards and a different ball game to expecting friends to babysit.

No, but some people do use them interchangeably, saying ‘I can’t/couldn’t do that!’ when actually they could, they’re just averse to it and unwilling to consider it. It’s a common figure of speech.

OP probably could figure it out, she just doesn’t want to, and doesn’t need to.

OP, this does sound difficult. You have been a great friend and supported her in ways which are really helpful with a new baby.

If your friend wants more support, she needs to be with family in NZ. It's great she has the finances to afford home help so she will be OK.

It probably hasn't sunk in fully that her old life is over. Her social circle isn't going to catch up and have babies. It's not like you're all 20-somethings planning families in the future. It's probably a harsh lesson for her to learn but some of her friends will just detach from her entirely now. I think, if only some of you can, do the kid-friendly meet up a few times per year. But your friend has to accept that her life choice isn't everybody else's.

Good luck!

I have a partner but i do not get a night off a fortnight! Want a dream that would be - it sounds like you have done loads. You are a good friend.

She made the decision to have a baby based on her circumstances without asking in advance for a co parenting arrangement, right?

Wow. I almost say good on her for asking as most of us don't and can barely cope. But a roster. Omg, just say no, you're chidfree for a reason.

I'm starting to resent the fact that not one of my friends did a deep clean of my house (never mind several) or batch cooked for me, or took me to appointments when I had my first. AND THEY WERE ALL PARENTS TOO!!! AND EVEN THOUGH THEY KNEW HOW TO CHANGE NAPPIES! BASTARDS!

CF!
I have a dog. When I need someone to look after her you know who I don't ask? Those who don't have dogs and those who don't like them. Because that would be massively unreasonable for them and I don't want her being looked after by someone who doesn't know the way of dog.

I wouldn't have a bloody clue how to look after an infant. I don't like them and I don't have them. Not one of my child having friends have ever asked me to care for their children because it would be really really unreasonable and I would clearly be a liability.

Going over to be with her after baby sleeps for a movie, pizza and a glass of wine is exactly what my child free friends did for me at this age. I don't think you need to go your separate ways, as some pp say. Time flies. I am still friends with my childfree friends.

This is not convincing me to babysit 😂

I'm not trying to convince anyone to babysit but... I will never forget my gay, male CF friend driving over in the middle of the night when the baby would not sleep. Despite knowing nothing about kids he walked my baby up and down the hall for 2 hours singing Stevie Wonder songs until they fell asleep. OK, he never did it again, but we are still friends years later. And my kid still loves Stevie Wonder.

If she has the money and the means of other childcare is there possibly a degree of wanting you all to understand her life and situation… or maybe try and persuade you all how her new life is either great or so hard..

YANBU though. I’d you wanted to baby sit occasionally you would have offered without asking.

Wow you sound like a truly dreadful friend! I’m glad I don’t know you 😂

Tell me, what if this hypothetical friend with cancer had been a smoker? Or if the life altering accident had been on a skiing trip that they CHOSE to go on? Would you be doing their invisible dishes then?

In my experience good and lasting friendships pivot more on compassion than judgement. And I stand firm that if a friend who was struggling (for ANY reason) asked me to help them out for one night every five months I would. I might….shock horror..do even more than that.

To clarify though I don’t necessarily think OP is a bad friend. I just doubt the closeness of their relationship if she finds this request so abhorrent.

@DarkPinkBobble I don't want to learn to change a nappy. I never had children because I don't want children. Therefore how would I know how to do this properly?

My areas of things I'm willing to do for my friends are not nappy related. I've done lots of other things for her.

If one of my friends needed help with data/pivot tables/analysis then I'm there to help and have done many times! But nappy changing or anything related to babies is not my forte.

I’m gobsmacked at your friend’s cheek tbh! The fact she thinks anyone else should take any responsibility for her child is beyond belief, whether they like/don’t like children, have children/are childfree is completely irrelevant to the fact that it’s her child and she can’t just expect other people to look after it!!

FWIW, I think you’ve been a fabulous friend in offering the practical help you have. She has no idea how lucky she is for that and I would have wept with gratefulness as a new mum if a friend had turned up with food to hoover!

It does sound like you all need to be a bit more honest with her though. You don’t even need to bring the “we’re only friends because we’re childfree” perspective in, as that will probably sting, just firmly repeat you won’t be signing up to a babysitting rota and that if she wants a fortnightly night off she’ll need to get a babysitter.

She will either accept that’s what she needs to do or she’ll alienate her friends by not accepting it - that’s her choice. And I say that as a parent who found the first year incredibly hard and lonely…nobody is coming to rescue you, and the sooner your friend learns that the better IMO.

She can hire a babysitter if she wants time off.

Just tell her that babies freak you out which is why you chose not to have one to care for. You can add a "but I'm fine with cooking once a fortnight if that helps you" if you feel like doing that much for her. You're already a saint for helping out at all tbh.

Please be my friend and come and clean my house. DD is a teenager so doesn't need nappy changing, and will resist any attempt to be friendly...

Me too! Nobody has ever, EVER batch cooked for me! I feel so left out.

And honestly I’d take a free deep clean of my kitchen over a poxy night of babysitting any day.

At least I can make my point without resorting to ad hominem attacks and insults.

You do you, and I'll do me, as they say. This is a forum for expressing opinions.

😂

I think the problem your friend has is she hasn’t fully comprehended that she is no longer a single woman

She is a single mother.

She needed to be making friends with the other mothers in her NCT group or joining the Facebook groups for friendship

Yes she can go out on nights out with her single friends but she is no longer free to do as she pleases and can’t expect other people to pick up the slack sp she can be a single woman again,

She might have a high flying job and think she is a cut above what she perceives other mothers are but really she needs to get her mind round that those other mothers are just like her and she is just like them.

I have done this lots of times!

If the skiing friend had actively, deliberately chosen to ski off a cliff, knowing for certain that they would land on jagged rocks below, I probably wouldn’t, no.

This woman has chosen to have a baby with no support from her family or partner. She apparently has ample funds to pay for a cleaner, meals from Cook! or Hello Fresh, a live in nanny, and regularly babysitting. But instead of doing any of that, she is expecting her friends to deep clean her house, batch cook for her, and provide free childcare. All unreciprocated. That is the definition of cheeky fuckery.