Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

I think if you value her friendship meeting up in places (sometimes) where she can take the baby would be kind- as you get to see your friend/she’s not isolated. Or offering to come to her for glass of wine/takeaway. It doesn’t mean you can’t go out too but equally she can join in some stuff. If she’s truly a friend I can’t see why you wouldn’t want to support her & see her but I guess her having a baby has changed the dynamics for you & you are not a flexible sounding group.

BUT the babysitting rota….! unless you’re comfortable with little babies I can’t see why she thinks you’d want to do this. I guess she sees you all a bit like family rather than friends maybe.

I have kids and had no family help when they were little and even I think a babysitter rota is ludicrous! I would never have expected my friends to babysit on a rota basis because they’re my kids and my responsibility.

That said, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to sometimes expect you to meet up in a child friendly place with her with her child so she isn’t totally isolated but a rota?!- no fcking way

Being a single mum of a baby is utterly, utterly draining. Especially one still waking in the night that frequently. It's normal to grieve your pre-baby life and so your friend kind of has my sympathy, and she understandably needs a break every so often.

However, when you say that she's financially quite well off and could certainly afford a childminder for the odd evening here and there, that kind of swayed me into thinking that she's actually being pretty cheeky expecting her intentionally child-free friends to frequently babysit for her, let alone create some sort of rota.

Sounds like you are a lovely friend by helping her so much in other ways. I think she definitely needs some mum friends though.

I really don't think there's nothing wrong in refusing to get involved, as a group. Your group of friends are bonded together with one quite simple but important thing. Being child free. Just because one of them decided to be different, you have no obligation to change how you are.

YANBU, but your friend is. I have a 6mo and it’s relentless at times but you are already doing so so much to help. I haven’t had, and would never expect, a single ounce of help off anyone. I do have a DH but he’s as much use as a chocolate fireguard. The baby isn’t yours, you didn’t choose to create or birth him so I don’t see why he’d be your responsibility.
Also, don’t normal mums just get a cleaner and order in meals? Surely no one really has this group of friends pandering to them?

And it's really, really fine not to want to.

But it is a want, not a can't. And the difference is important here because your view of yourself who would need an instructional video to be able to do it (a self-view that I would guess the rest of the group share about themselves) shows how deeply being childfree is an active facet of your group's identity, rather than being an incidental fact about each individual. Where you go from there is really up to you, but it sounds like the glue that really holds the group together is "we are childfree" and not "we are friends".

I can see why it has come as a shock to this woman if she did not appreciate that before she had her baby. Kind of like when someone leaves a workplace, and is hurt that their former colleagues (who they had considered to be friends) are no longer in contact with them without the glue of the workplace to keep them together. Friends for a reason, friends for a season, friends for life, and all that.

And I'm thinking of your group collectively when I say this, as it's clear that you haven't ditched her, but some of the others have.

@Shebaguinea Hi, I just wanted to say you have done so much for your friend, I haven't had family do even 5% of the stuff you have done, you're a good friend, I hope your friend realises that when she figures out she is being unreasonable.

@Shebaguinea you need to channel your inner Phoebe Buffay: 'Oh I would, but I don't want to.'

I think you need to be quite honest and say you are still willing to help out with lifts and batch cooking, as previously offered, but you have no interest in baby-sitting or childcare. This is a perfectly reasonable stance given the reason you are, or were, all friends in the first place.

Maybe that's it. She thinks of you all as a team. She's taken one for the team, and now the team mascot needs looking after!

Where you go from there is really up to you, but it sounds like the glue that really holds the group together is "we are childfree" and not "we are friends"

This is the only thing I found odd about this post! I can’t imagine basing a friendship group on reproductive choices. I’m friends with my friends because I love them, we support each other and to me, they are interesting, stimulating and cool people. Some are married, some single, some gay, some have kids, some don’t etc…. I don’t define them as friends on the basis of their marital status or reproductive choices or job etc so that part seems a little odd to me and it kinda implies that this one friend will now be kicked out because she has gone against the group “rules”.

That said, she can fck right off with a rota, she’s being ridiculous about that!

This is so cheeky!! I like children, I have 4. I'd help friends out if they needed but if they created a rota I'd think they'd gone mad!!

I don't even ask family to have my children, never mind friends.

I think you sound great cooking and cleaning for her.

It was unplanned, having an abortion is a crime where I'm from that carries a jail sentence, so it's absolutely not a "choice".

I never wanted children, but when my life took a different path, it was my decision and I didn't and haven't expected anything from family or friends in terms of childcare. If offered, I was appreciative, but there was never an expectation. If anyone had done for me, only a fraction of what you have done for your friend, I would have been eternally grateful.

It's very common for people to find that some friends peel away when they have children; their priorities change and rather like the OP's friend they start wanting to do different things.

Sounds to me like this is a friendship group which has formed around a group of friends who want similar things in life - like trips to foreign vineyards. It's also nice not to be ambushed by questions about your reproductive choices at social occasions; a couple of weeks ago I was at a BBQ when a friend of a friend asked about future children; I said I wasn't planning to have any and was loudly called selfish! Not the first time I've heard that sort of comment either; I was called a "selfish cow" at Christmas for the same reason.

The formation of the group is linked to their reproductive choices, but not defined by them - big difference.

@IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems What is selfish about not wanting children? What a weird comment and how unpleasant for you.

The formation of the group is linked to their reproductive choices, but not defined by them - big difference

Ah well that’s where I disagree. It sounds like this friendship group is very much based and revolves around being child free. Which is fine if that’s what they want but in any long term friendships this is going to be difficult because we all change and life doesn’t always turn out the way we think it will.

I'm a lone parent and have grateful received offers of help from friends. I have occasionally asked friends for childcare favours but it's a one off thing so no one friend would ever be asked more than once (or perhaps) twice in a year. I've also quickly worked out the friends I have who actively enjoy time with DD vs those who would only be doing this to help me and I avoid asking the latter group.

I've only asked people who have reiterated more than once that they'd be happy to look after DD for me sometimes.

I don't think you're out of order at all and I also think it's totally unrealistic for your friend to be anticipating an evening off a fortnight!

Apparently being childfree is for people who never learned how to share - or so I was loudly informed!

These people do tend to find themselves backtracking when I tell them I have an unpleasant genetic condition that 50% of my children would get, and that I think it would be selfish to have them on that basis.

Funny how passing on a disability suddenly changes their mind about my value as a potential mother.

Ah well that’s where I disagree. It sounds like this friendship group is very much based and revolves around being child free. Which is fine if that’s what they want but in any long term friendships this is going to be difficult because we all change and life doesn’t always turn out the way we think it will.

For a group of people in their early 40s, it's rather unlikely that they are going to change their minds and have children - though there is clearly one anomaly within the group.

I don't see anyone on here criticising friendships made at NCT groups or in the school playground on the grounds that those friendships are based around reproductive choices, we all change, and life doesn't always turn out how we think it will.

Childfree people are just continuing how they always have - it is those that have children who change and suddenly want to discuss nappies, Ofsted reports, EHCPs and colic.

I agree. There are almost daily threads asking how to make mum friends and they’re given advice but op being part of a childfree group of friends is questioned repeatedly.

I think she sounds very isolated and lonely which I remember from the early months with my DC (I had babies before the vast majority of my friends)

You are of course under no obligation, but I suspect what she wants really is not a rota per se, but to feel you are with her on this road that feels scary and difficult. I would have a coffee or glass of wine with her and say honestly that babysitting may not be your thing, but that you care about her and are with her - and what else might be helpful. I KNOW you are already doing cleaning etc and that is lovely, but almost framing the conversation in this way may remind her of what you are doing and help her to see your investment in the friendship

Just tell the truth, "Most of us are happy to meet up once a month at a child friendly restaurant. However no-one wants to babysit, so sorry. Think it's because we have all purposefully chosen to be child free, and have zero knowledge/interest in babies. You'd be best using a qualified baby sitter for nights out, as they'd be experienced and enjoy babies."

@IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems How ridiculous and obnoxious people can be. I think the reasons for not having children are usually unselfish, and am very sorry to hear of your condition. I hope you don't have to hear such unpleasant comments again.

Jesus OP I think you're totally missing the point - it's not about the baby, it's about your friend!!

Put your feelings about the rights and wrongs of the baby situation to one side and try thinking about where her appeals for help are coming from - in all likelihood she's drowning and this is her desperate attempt to clamour for help.

Yes the requests for a babysitting rota are not well thought-out, it's where they're coming from that's important, and that's a place of desperation.

Drop the smugness about remaining child free yourself for five minutes (smugness never ages well anyways) and take the judgement out of the equation too, and you'll see it more clearly.

Of course it would be inappropriate for you to babysit when you really don't want to, but making a massive issue out of her continuing to be part of the friendship group is likely to be devastating to her at this point in time. I hope for her sake she can find other support quick, poor woman.

Have you read any of the OPs posts? She’s cooked for her friend, cleaned for her, given her lifts to appointments, offered to go to child friendly venues at child friendly times for some meet-ups and visits friend in her home. Friend wants all meet ups to be at child friendly venues at child friendly times and wants her friends to cancel their holiday because she can’t go and sign up to a babysitting rota. But you think OP is in the wrong?

@Ravenglass83 I didn’t get the impression OP was smug? She’s allowed to enjoy the life she’s built for herself and shouldn’t have to appear apologetic for it.