Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

I’ve also never changed a nappy, and while I could probably figure out how to do it, it’s not a skill that’s necessary to learn if you’re childfree and not a childcare provider 🤷🏻‍♀️

Friendships, however deep, can drift when lives go down different roads. It doesn’t mean that anyone has done anything wrong if this happens, it’s just life sometimes. OP doesn’t have to provide childcare to prove her worth as a friend. She’s already done a lot for this woman, she’s already clearly demonstrated that’s she’s been a good friend to her. That she’s not willing to provide childcare doesn’t change this.

Mostly, I feel very sorry for your friend because she has a rude awakening ahead of her if this is how she is with her childfree group of friends. Life is going to teach her some difficult lessons.

But, overwhelmingly I think you’re doing yourself a disservice in defining yourself by your CF status. Obvs you’re not unreasonable. But women don’t lose the ability to reason, empathise, remember life pre-children “even when” they have babies. Your life choices aren’t that specials, and neither are those of people who choose to have babies. Women who have and raise babies just have different experiences from those who don’t. It’s like someone who travels the world versus someone who never leaves their home country. Both types of people can - and maybe don’t - live enriched and full and fulfilled and whatever else lives. Just in different ways. Maybe lay off being so amazed that “even women who have had babies” can understand you. It’s quite arrogant.

The difference between stripping down a motorcycle engine/scuba diving and changing a nappy is that a person of average intelligence can work out a nappy themselves in about 3 seconds.

Making a point of not being able to do something extremely simple like changing a nappy has the same vibes as someone making a big deal of how they always burn toast - the task itself isn't in any way hard, the person is saying it to make a statement of how they view themselves ("not baby-friendly", "not someone who should be chained to the kitchen"). In this case, the OP's group of friends seem to have built a strong identity around their distance from anything related to children.

Whether or not they want to change a nappy, or indeed make edible toast, is entirely separate.

Spot on, @MotherofGorgons.

Whilst I can't understand your dislike of babies, I respect that it's your opinion and that you've taken the necessary steps to avoid having them.

I do think your friends taking the piss a bit to just expect her friends to look after her child so she can have a night off 🤦🏽‍♀️ Motherhood doesn't work like that, and it sounds like you've all been quite explicit in not being interested in the kids thing.

She must be struggling being a single mum with little support, but perhaps she needs to find mum friends to get that side of her needs filled.

I think you're lovely offering to cook her food and deep clean her house 🥹 no-one ever offered me that, even when I had a 2 month old baby and was hospitalised 🥹

@user9630721458 but this woman is getting support from her childfree friends!! It just isn’t the kind of support that she wants. She can afford competent childcare by people trained to provide it.

At 11 months I'm surprised he's still waking every few hours, and can understand why she's starting to feel desperate for help. But she needs to pay someone.

In her shoes, I'd be looking at if I can afford a few hours in nursery a week just for some her time, then get the Nanny to start a month before return to work to start to adjust them

@Shebaguinea you're a good friend.

You say changing a nappy is simple - I'm another who has never done it, and I don't think it looks particularly simple. You have to undress a wriggling baby for starters!

I have a baby and I wouldn't look after anyone else's, even a friends.

She can get a paid babysitter, make new friends etc.

I don't think she quite understands motherhood yet.
She chose to be a single parent and is a high earner. She can bloody well pay for help!
Also how is she happy leaving her baby in the company of various people who would have no idea what to do with it? She seems to see it as a pet or object rather than a tiny vulnerable human.

The difference between stripping down a motorcycle engine/scuba diving and changing a nappy is that a person of average intelligence can work out a nappy themselves in about 3 seconds

The point being, OP presumably doesn't want to work out how to change a nappy, average intelligence or not, because she doesn't want to babysit an 11 month old and change the nappies. You're making this sound like it's some mandatory activity all women should be able to do regardless of whether they want to be in a situation where they'll use it.

In this case, the OP's group of friends seem to have built a strong identity around their distance from anything related to children

Probably because they're all childfree and happy to be so. Like book groups centre themselves around people who want to read books.

I second this. I met some really nice women at a new mums support group during the 2021 lockdown and I still see some of them regularly. The NCT group was more of a struggle as we met first online. It was harder to bond.

But your friend is being wildly unrealistic in her expectations OP. She's probably just desperate as babies are really hard work and she didn't even want one in the first place?

Making a point of not being able to do something extremely simple like changing a nappy has the same vibes as someone making a big deal of how they always burn toast - the task itself isn't in any way hard, the person is saying it to make a statement of how they view themselves ("not baby-friendly", "not someone who should be chained to the kitchen"). In this case, the OP's group of friends seem to have built a strong identity around their distance from anything related to children

Nonsense. I don't have children and I have never changed a nappy and never will. I've never made a big deal of it in my life, it's literally not something that has ever been on my radar, why would it be?

but suggesting she should have aborted because she finds motherhood tough is pretty savage

Thats the word I was looking for about comments like ‘she’s made her bed’. She’s not (apparently) experiencing anything uncommon from a lot of new parents, having kids is a long haul life investment with many ups and downs. Finding it hard at times isn’t a personal failing or fair game for beating someone over the head with. Ultimately it’s just another family relationship.

Nonsense. I don't have children and I have never changed a nappy and never will. I've never made a big deal of it in my life, it's literally not something that has ever been on my radar, why would it be?

It's probably on those lists of 'essential life skills' MN is so fond of. Having reached the grand old age of 69 without ever having to change a nappy I can live without knowing how to do it.

Something organised by Mary Harrington or that Louise Perry one.

Gosh a tricky one.

Think it’s mostly been covered here but I agree it’s very strange this idea of a “rota” and expecting you all to be so involved!

This was her choice to make and she must accept it.
That said, I can’t imagine how difficult it is as a single parent with no support, so I do sympathise.

I am a mum to one son currently, but I’m also not a “child person”.
I will tell people honestly I do not really like other peoples kids, even friends ones particularly.
Sure they are cute, but that’s about it for me.
A lot of my friends feel the same! Love their own kids. Not really any others.

I wouldn’t want to help out anyone else on a regular basis unless they were family and also were helping me out regularly in return and not taking advantage etc.

I don’t expect anybody to take my kid either.

I think maybe your friend is struggling but to expect / make demands just seems too much to me

The point being, OP presumably doesn't want to work out how to change a nappy, average intelligence or not, because she doesn't want to babysit an 11 month old and change the nappies.

Fine. She has no obligation to do so. But the reason I picked up on the OP's comment was because saying "I can't perform an easy task", instead of "I don't want to do the easy task", says quite a lot about the group mindset that is the underlying issue for the OP's situation.

You're making this sound like it's some mandatory activity all women should be able to do regardless of whether they want to be in a situation where they'll use it.

Delete "mandatory", and replace "women" with "adults", and yeah. Easy things are easy, anyone pretending they are not should maybe think about why.

Meant in this nicest possible way, from reading your posts, I would not want you to babysit a child. The discomfort you feel for babies might mean it's just not a great idea. It took me ages to learn to be a good parent. And it is not something you are remotely interested in and have no practise in, it could just be upsetting for the child. 11 months will be when separation anxiety started to get worse too.

Would you fancy an evening at her house, when she is there? Pasta and chat, wine for you. Babies are often sleeping by 7 or 8, they might wake but often can be settled. Perhaps you could cook and aim for food to be ready after baby bedtime. This way she does childcare, you share some nice time together when baby sleeps.

Reading your first message I was all set to say I thought she was bonkers. However a few things stand out

1. It sounds like you are all close friends who have known each other for a long time
2. She got pregnant by accident
3. The father isn't around

In these circumstances I can kind of understand why she might hope you could all be there for her.

Maybe speak to her and offer support in other ways. So you could cook some meals for her, do some cleaning or shopping for her etc but you don't feel able to look after the baby.

Also, would you know of anyone who would babysit? Maybe you could ask around for her?

Delete "mandatory", and replace "women" with "adults", and yeah. Easy things are easy, anyone pretending they are not should maybe think about why

Because they don't want to do them? a bit like you can't comprehend that just because something's easy doesn't make it something someone actually wants to do.

The child free thing is a bit of a red herring imo. I have four kids and wouldn't help out in this circumstance. It is your friends child and she needs to sort her life out. It's really unfair to expect friends to be involved to this extent.

Delete "mandatory", and replace "women" with "adults", and yeah. Easy things are easy, anyone pretending they are not should maybe think about why.

Until I read this thread I never thought about it at all. If there's no baby around, there's no need. It's as irrelevant to me as learning how to shoe horses or speak Kazakh.

@BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop The OP has certainly helped, more than anyone ever helped me! Not sure about the other 39 people. I just think friendships are quite likely to drift away if one person has a child and their friends don't. That's life.