Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

Why are people berating OP for not helping? She’s given lifts, she’s cooked and she’s deep cleaned her friends house. OP is a very good friend. She’s offering childcare when the little boy is a bit older, but is uncomfortable caring for a small baby. Fair enough, it’s pretty nerve wracking caring for a baby you don’t know.
I think it’s sad that some of the friends are pulling away, but doesn’t that always happen when circumstances change?

Oh okay I understand now, was thinking u sound harsh before lol

And also, some of the friends have said they’re happy to meet at child-friendly places sometimes. Just not every time. How is that not reasonable?

If she's very well paid she 100% needs to get a regular professional babysitter / nanny who can form a bond with her baby and give them a good level of care.

Even if she DID persuade you all to do the rota, it's totally unfair on the baby to have a different caregiver every fortnight that they've barely laid eyes on before. Also she can go out with you all if none of you is babysitting!

I do think once baby is sleeping a bit better in the first part of the night it would be nice for you to go round there for dinner or drinks etc and make a bit of an effort to socialise as it can be really lonely. The friendship feels very shallow and conditional if some of the group won't even countenance being in the same room as a baby during lunch. And having drinks is more fun than cleaning and cooking!

Sorry but if it was an absolute emergency, she was rushed to hospital and the baby would be taken into care otherwise then maybe one of you should step up, but if not you are not unreasonable it is her problem to solve.

OP you seem quite proud of the fact that you don't know how to change a nappy

What a weird comment. Is this some rite we have to perform before being admitted to full womanhood? I can't change a nappy. I can't strip down a motorbike engine or scuba dive, either. They're not things I have the remotest interest in doing. Pride in not being able to do them is irrelevant.

I have 3 DC and most of my group of friends have children. We'd tell her right where to stick her rota if one of them suggested one to look after her child. This is batshit and she needs to know it.
She knew her situation when she decided to have a child. I think you're going above and beyond already.

Wanting some help with child care doesn't mean she should never have had the child. I'm not saying she's being reasonable asking her friends for so much help but suggesting she should have aborted because she finds motherhood tough is pretty savage

Is she by any chance in a financially better place because she hasn't copped on yet that as a single parent in a senior role she will need to pay for a cleaner, wrap around childcare and babysitters?

No way would I even be cleaning the house of someone who was so well paid. They can pay a cleaner (even get their laundry done) instead of cadging favours.

I would consider it when he's a bit older sleeping through the night and can have a sleepover in my own home. 11 months is too young to be staying overnight with someone not in they're family. The father needs to step up.

I would help anyone experiencing involuntary misfortune, like cancer or a life-altering accident.

No way am I going to deep clean, batch cook or join a babysitting rota for someone who voluntarily and imprudently chose a very difficult lifestyle. It's absurd. This situation didn't "happen" to her, she created it, and she needs to learn how to cope.

What next, a monthly whip round to top up her spending money?

I was going to say that. Why doesn't she get a babysitter and then join you on your usual nights out? Obviously the vinho verde tour is beyond her but adult nights out shouldn't be.

Reiterate that none of you like babies and children despite hers being lovely it doesn't change things. None of you want to go out to places full of children, she knows that. She made her choice to keep the baby in full knowledge that she was doing this alone.

And encourage her to go to playgroups etc so that she can get some mum friends for the other side of her life.

Exactly. I can do many things but dealing with others' bodily fluids and excrement ain't one of them. Being able and willing to clean up shit is hardly a badge of honour.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune Spot on

Actually you're conflating "I wouldn't know how to change a nappy" (which is what the OP said) with "I don't want to deal with poo" (which is surely just the default for everyone).

The difference is it's a choice to have a baby... So you have to deal with it and take responsibility there are soo many people who are struggling financially and have no support but guess what they still take care of the children without asking anyone to babysit them / help around the house for free

Why would someone need an instructional video for wiping up poo? Most people manage their own arses without needing a qualification in it

The first nappy I ever changed was a complete poonami. I was minding a friends baby girl (I was staying with them in a gorgeous holiday destination for free, in the give and take of friendship) when Mum popped out to the shop for half an hour. Car was barely out of the drive when the little one let rip.

Would I choose to deal with it? No. But I'm human and couldn't leave her to helplessly sit in it so I just cracked on. We went through almost a whole pack of wipes but I survived. So did she. No drama 🤷🏻‍♀️

Jeeze, I had my own kids, but when my first grandchild came along and I had to change her nappy, I discovered I'd forgotten which was back and which was front (of the nappy, not the baby!). I felt absolutely helpless.

So why a child free woman should be expected to know how to do it, I don't know.

She is a CF and you have the patience of a saint

It's heartening to see many understanding replies - and that you & your group are clear about where you stand.

Less heartening that there's a strong undercurrent of "but it's a baybee (and you're women) so you must get involved!"

THIS is why so many first-time mothers get all upset that their previously close friends drift away, even sometimes saying less than supportive things about the mother/child relationship (horror!)

We understand that your child is, to you, the most incredible human ever to grace this planet. We understand that your world centres entirely on your baby.

The thing is, you're in the grip of a situationally appropriate infatuation. Your child is not objectively that special, and the world continues to revolve as normal. Your friends' lives continue as before. Their talks with you weren't interrupted every 20 seconds, they didn't have to watch their language, and you were interested in lots of things that didn't come out of your vagina.

The one who's changed the friendship is you, not the woman checking her watch with a fixed smile as she gently removes the contents of her handbag from your tiny genius's sticky hands for the 17th time.

If you want to be in a childfree friendship group, don't insert a child.

OP - Once your pal's sorted out a nanny and is back at work, she may recover her ability to participate. Or she may not, but perhaps keep the door conditionally open?

Portugal trip sounds great!

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune I don’t have any children, my job actually involves helping people to manage incontinence, and my friends are STILL polite enough not to ask me to change nappies 😁

So true. I had my first as a single parent and can remember trying to hold on to old friendships with CF friends. We'd go for walks and cafes, but they were put off by me being constantly distracted and interrupted by the baby. I couldn't do nightclubs, cafes, holidays like we used to do. and I was always exhausted. I get that I was no fun to them anymore. Many of my CF friends fell away, but over years I have made rewarding friendships with other parents and our children became friends too, The mum needs to accept that she and the baby are now a unit, and the best place for support is generally other mothers. I feel sorry for the mother in that none of this is in place yet, but she will soon meet other mothers, particularly if the baby goes to nursery.

it’s really cheeky of her to expect you all to chip in and look after her baby. A babysitting rota ?! I think you have been a good friend, helping her out with cooking and cleaning and meals etc. I don’t see why you should do more however when the child is older, you might enjoy taking them out but that is entirely up to you.

It doesn't get any easier as they get older (well in my experience) lol I just have to deal with it, my responsibility 🙈

@GarlicGrace I have many childfree friends. I kept up my friendships by having DH or a paid babysitter sit for me, since no family near. I also didn't prattle on about my baby to anyone.

I don't believe parents and the childfree can't be friends. But I do agree that my DC are special only to me, and their grandparents.