Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

I know 90% of people love and enjoy babies

Not really. I'd say 10-20% of people love and enjoy babies, 70-80% don't to varying degrees but pretend to in order to humour the parents and the 10% are honest about not enjoying them at all.

A colleague recently brought in his new baby and his wife specifically so I could meet the baby because I had feigned interest when I met her while pregnant. The baby was a perfectly normal and very smiley baby so I did a bit of poking and smiling to make her laugh, coo'd a bit and held her briefly. They now think I adore babies but the reality is the only babies I was ever interested in were my own. I have never changed a nappy on any child other than my own and don't intend to start now. I'm sure grandkids will be different but other than that, no.

I would help out a friend or family member in an emergency but no way in hell would I be offering regular childcare.

@DarkPinkBobble a plaster is not covered with poo. And once again, the woman in question can afford a nanny.

I have reiterated my offer of doing her a batch cook etc and a deep clean once a fortnight,

Why? She's never going to learn to cope if she has friends running around after her! If you like deep cleaning, you can have my number, no children, dogs, cats etc to get in the way!

YANBU at all.
I think it's one thing for your friend to ask, but to suggest a rota so she gets a regular night out is unreasonable.

Looking after somebody's baby is a huge responsibility. If it's not something someone is comfortable with, they are absolutely doing the right thing to say no.

She made the choice to have a child as a single parent and though you cannot appreciate the relentlessness of parenting until you have one yourself (I say that because that was the case for me and my DH) it's still the choice she made.

Do you know what her plan is for childcare when she returns to work?

Perhaps you could encourage her to start with a casual introduction of that, like 1 day a week now so she gets some time to herself, can come on child free lunches etc and the baby can get a really gradual settling in with a nursery / childminder / nanny.
That would help her not feel so burned out.

As someone who worked and only put my child in nursery when I was working and had them all of the time I wasn't, even with a husband helping, it was exhausting. As much as I wanted all of my time with the baby, I wish I had realised it might be better for both of us if I'd had a bit of down time! Even half a day might have helped.

Of course she’s done her bit, doing anything is more than she’s obliged to do. Just suggesting something she could do if she wanted to do something in the direction of childcare. As I said, if she doesn’t want to that’s 100% reasonable.

I too am envious you’ve found a group of like minded CF friends! I currently have three, but expecting that to decrease in the next few years.

I don’t like babies or small children, and would never offer to babysit a small child. The friend is obviously struggling with the transition and I understand that, and I think OP does too, but the rota isn’t the answer. I presume the baby is / will be at nursery and as money isn’t a constraint she could ask the staff to babysit for a decent fee (I understand quite a few do this). She’s at risk of losing friends which must be the last thing she would want.

Apologies if you’ve already answered this, but is she planning on going back to work? If so, this will resolve itself over time. She will feel as though she’s had a change of pace, if not a break, at work and will have childcare options/annual leave to get a child free day every now and then. As for evenings, she will have to pay for a babysitter. Saying that, I don’t know many who would leave an 11 month old with a hired babysitter so perhaps she had discounted that as an option.

She probably currently feels as though she’s lost her identity and doesn’t know where she fits anymore. That’s tough and I would make that the focus of your support. It would be kind of your group to do child friendly activities every now and then, but she also needs to accept the shift.

Hang in there. She won’t be in the trenches of early parenthood forever and will find her way without relying on people who don’t want to help her parent.

Thank you. We're all kind of edging around it at the moment.

I've reiterated my offer of food and lifts. Others are not because she's financially in a much better place than they are.

I've said I don't feel comfortable babysitting at baby stage but in future I'd be willing to, but definitely not on a schedule. I'm telling her what I'm willing to do.

As somebody with a 4mo DC, and a hands on DP/ daddy, I can tell you that even with support…it’s really overwhelming to look after a baby by yourself all day and sometimes I relish when DP does come home to take over, just so I can have a half an hour break. We also found that we both really needed a break to just be ourselves as opposed to mum and dad. However, I absolutely would not have left DC with anybody who either doesn’t like kids or doesn’t have experience with them. In fact, I’ve only wanted to leave DC with two people (grandparents, and god mother who has kids herself), and even then I’ve worried! Looking after such a small child, even for a few hours, is challenging and they can be super demanding. It definitely isn’t fair to expect total novices to navigate that situation imo. Sounds like you have done plenty!! YANBU

I do feel for her but the babysitting rota is hilariously cheeky.

Is she short of cash ? If she isn’t she needs to get a reliable teen to babysit so she can go out. At 11 months he isn’t hard to look after.

I think you have to have a v clear conversation with her and point out to het she is going to loose her mates if she doesn’t shape up.

However what you could do is lead the charge on a few baby friendly lunches. I’m also not massively seeing the problem with occasional babysitting - I wouldn’t want a rota either but once every couple month isn’t going to kill you if you are a proper mate. The time for cleaning and cooking is long gone though, so knock that on the head.

I feel sorry for your friend, but no, it's not reasonable to expect people to provide you with free babysitting.

Not even grandparents, aunts and uncles. (Although it is lovely if they are willing to.)

Nor friends with children, unless they offer and you return the favour.

But definitely not friends who are child free by choice because they have no interest in children. Of course they're not going to want to babysit. Or meet up at soft play.

Also, Is she about to go back to work? If she isn’t going FT I would suggest she puts the baby in a nursery an extra day so she gets some time to herself. It can be v overwhelming.

Why would someone need an instructional video for wiping up poo? Most people manage their own arses without needing a qualification in it.

And once again, the problem is not that she specifically needs a babysitter, because she can clearly get that, it's that she is reacting with panic to being shunned by people she considered to be friends.

OP, maybe you can clear this up - what came first, the request for a rota, or it being clear to this woman that she can't sit with you any more?

I don't need one. You are missing the point that I don;t want to clean up anyone else's poo, except my own family's. This is surely a choice that every woman can make on her own. Longtime friend or not.

Shebaguinea

The thing is that she is doing exacting what normally happens when women have children mush younger, the first person starts to call the shots about where to go etc. because others will eventually have children as well.

She has drawn the short straw in that she is friends with older women that don't want children and will not change their minds. Not that you should have to or that you should let her control where you go.

She is trying to live the life she lived before - not possible with a child. The sooner she accepts that the happier her child will be

Even though I have children myself I do not enjoy being around babies especially newborns and pregnant women ,I don't want to even look at them, I am single mum with no family or support near me, but guess what I still get on and do things because I chose to have my children nobody forced me to keep them . You are not being unreasonable, sounds like u are just going to have to be upfront about it.

I nearly laughed out loud at her rota suggestion! She must’ve gone mad.

She was delusional if she thought her life wouldn’t change after having a baby. I feel for her as it’s really hard work with no support but she must have anticipated it would be. Sounds like she has plenty of money so wonder why she won’t consider buying in some home help/a nanny etc. Very odd.

I don’t blame you re the babysitting! I have 3 children and don’t like other peoples children! There’s absolutely no way I’d change someone else’s kid’s nappy unless it was an emergency. Also - even my own mum wouldn’t have babysat for me unless they were sleeping through the night! So that didn’t happen until at least 18 months with my kids.

She’s hardly asking you guys to completely disrupt your CF lives to accommodate her and her baby. If she’s asking a group of 9 friends to rally together to give her one evening off every two weeks it really only means one night of discomfort/inconvenience every 4 or 5 months no?

i have a really close group of friends. I literally cannot imagine not sacrificing one night every 5 months to help one of them keep a grip on their sanity during a very difficult and stressful time. I assume you’re not very good friends after all (which is fine, you don’t owe anyone a friendship if it isn’t there).

Small babies are very full one but she would probably be better looking for a bit of help support company from women with older children or grannies who haven’t yet got any grandchildren. Who miss having a little one but happy to give them back later

Don't expect people to like your children ethier, does your kids have friends?

OP, you’ve been a fantastic friend to her. That your line in the sand is childcare does not negate this. It doesn’t make you a bad friend, and I’m not sure why not being willing to care for a baby seems to make some dismiss you as a friend entirely, no matter what else you’ve done for her.

I’m the same as you tbh, I’m childfree and I’ve got zero interest in children/babysitting. She’s unreasonable to expect you to be up for this, and unreasonable to be resentful about the fact your life has carried on as normal. Why wouldn’t it?

Yes I have a large group of pre children friends and “mum” friends. I tolerate other people’s kids but don’t have any great liking for any but my own. I don’t expect them to love my kids either.

Ive babysat for some of them but after their kids are in bed - I wouldn’t be doing it if they’re up every 2 hours.

I have babysat once they
ate solids
toilet trained
slept reliably
could be entertained with play or the TV

All of your lives can’t be that jet set amazing that you can’t help someone out

Why does someone's life have to be 'jet set amazing' before they can decline to be a baby sitter on rotation? how about 'they just don't want to, thanks'? you know, what's always being said here - NO is a complete sentence.