Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

Op said she her friend is a high earner and has no money worries

The OP already said she’s a high earner - so much so, that she doesn’t need financial help from the father.

That's very kind thank you

She got 18 months off, 12-18 month unpaid.

You're not wrong @Shebaguinea she's being very cheeky, even if you and your friends were more fond of children than you are.

That sort of help is something that initially people offer, not something the person benefiting from it presumes/pressures for from everyone.

So I have children and even in a group of ‘mum’ friends I wouldn’t suggest a babysitting rota - just not the done thing these days. Suggest this to my childfree friends?!? Never!! So odd

@SophieHope7 oh yay somebody asking why I'm on MN

I wonder if you all expect her to meet for child free events like nights out in the pub etc so she thinks well if it's always me making the effort they can help with babysitting?! Maybe she doesn't want to leave her baby with a random babysitter and would prefer to leave them with people she trusts. YANBU to say no though!

Some of our friends don't even want to go if the baby is there, because that's not the friendship/socialising they want and they didn't sign up for

Well the rota idea is clearly a non-starter, as would be changing the planned holiday, but I wonder if this woman feels pushed into it by the fact that a large part of her friendship group for the past 15 years has dropped her like a hot stone, and if she doesn't try something she'll be entirely disinvited from group events.

Your group seems to prize the label of being ChildFree above all else. OP you seem quite proud of the fact that you don't know how to change a nappy. And collectively you care more about this new threat to your identity than you do about the welfare of the individual members of the group.

That's not a relationship that I would call friendship. It's more like a group of people attending a casual book club. I feel sorry for this woman if she has mistaken it for a friendship group with the implication of support in hard times.

@thecatsmeows

So many people seem to think that CF people just need exposure to a baby to make their maternal instincts emerge 😂 if anything it makes me less likely to want kids.

I've actually spent today with kids of a different friendship group - no thank you.

OR the OP's friend could get a paid babysitter and still attend some events with her friends? Just a thought.

I didn't know how to change a nappy before I had my DC and I still don't want to change other people's babies nappies. ( other than close relatives).

I don't get all the people saying that (because there are 10 of you in the friendship group) the babysitting rota would only be 2/3 times a year so is a very reasonable request - I think that almost makes it worse because she's expecting 10 different people to do repeated favours for her without offering anything in return! No friendship doesn't have to be exactly reciprocal but there's usually some give and take - not 10 people acting as unpaid staff for the 1 for the foreseeable future and the 1 not offering anything in return except the 'pleasure' of her company!

Plus it's not even JUST the rota, it's that and demanding when the group can actually meet all together when 1 isn't off looking after her child they go to somewhere that's convenient for despite the fact the other 10 don't want to go there, and that they all commit to never going on any group holidays without her for the next 18 years! And presumably she will be happy to keep accepting the meals on wheels/cleaner service the friends are currently providing too.

Basically she seems to be expecting a hell of a lot but not offering anything back in return. Which isn't friendship. If she was absolutely struggling, or was a single mother other than through choice (e.g. bereaved partner), you might feel a bit more guilty about not helping (although still doesn't mean you should!). But she chose this herself, AND can afford to buy in any help she needs, so she's just a CF!

We are the first in our group of close friends to have children. It’s not the same as I imagine some of them will eventually but it’s a bit similar as they are still very much in the child free stage.

I think it’s a bit mean to be starting separate threads to arrange socialising and to effectively drop her just because she’s had a baby. I also think it would be kind to do some child friendly things every so often, again, no obligation but it would be kind.

That said, expecting you to give her childcare on a rota basis is completely unreasonable. My oldest is nearly 3 and we’ve never asked any of our friends to babysit (except once when one was our backup help for when I went into Labour with our second - thankfully he didn’t have to do it).

Would you be comfortable watching the baby while she’s in the house for an hour or two just to let her have a relaxing bath or get things done? Then she’s still around and responsible if the baby really needs anything but still gets a bit of a break. However, that would just be a nice thing to do, there’s no obligation on you to do anything like that - and certainly not fortnightly! If a friend did something like that for me I’d massively appreciate it but I’d 100% expect it to be a one off.

The idea of a night off once a fortnight is lovely but most parents don’t get that - we certainly don’t, we’ve been out just the two of us maybe 3-5 times in the whole nearly three years since we had kids. Not complaining, that’s our choice, but it’s also your choice whether to babysit or not.

I’m just going to point out that over 2 hours ago, I posted You may find that some idiots post on your thread to ask what you’re doing on MUMSnet if you don’t want kids. If they do, just shout BINGO!)

Although a PP’s already

Sorry if this is already been posted but why does she not just find a paid babysitter?
Solves the issue of her friends not wanting to do it (not unreasonable to not want to) and she can have some time out for dates or to go to one of the adult venue dinners with friends.
I also think someone with experience with babies makes more sense!

Sorry posted too soon - Although a PP’s already called Bingo on this one.

Would you be comfortable watching the baby while she’s in the house for an hour or two just to let her have a relaxing bath or get things done?

@Anonymouslyposting OP has already done multiple deep cleans of this friend's house, done several loads of batch cooking for her freezer, and taken her to multiple appointments. I think she's done her bit, frankly.

@SophieHope7 Out of interest why are you posting on mumsnet? I was under the impression this was for parenting related stuff? Am I wrong?

Yes you're wrong. A lot of childfree women post on here, about work, life, current affairs anything, and they are welcome.

The way you've phrased your question sounds very passive aggressive and catty.

She's completely taking the piss. I'd actually be cross enough to tell her to fuck off with that entitled attitude.

Indeed!

How do childfree people know how to look after a baby? I may have ovaries but doesn't mean I have any idea beyond don't drop it!

OR the OP's friend could get a paid babysitter and still attend some events with her friends? Just a thought.

I don't think the actual presence of a babysitter is the problem here though. This woman has considered the group to be her friends for 15 years, and now a large part of the group have coolly made it clear that she is now surplus to requirements. I think she's looking for specifically their involvement because she's upset at that and panicking.

I didn't know how to change a nappy before I had my DC

If you can put a plaster on without an instruction video then you can put on a nappy without an instructional video. It's not a lost art.

I have two kids, no family nearby (although I have a great DH), and I have a few child free friends. I would never in a million years expect those friends to regularly take my children. In an emergency (hospital visit or something) then I would ask if I had no other option but expecting you all to take turns babysitting and changing your lives to suit her and her decision? No. Not ok.

I think you've already done so much by cleaning, cooking etc. She's being extremely cheeky and entitled.

There is no obligation on your part to help in any way with this child. Babysitting rota?? She is in cloud cuckoo land.

Christ, I wouldn't even want to meet in a child friendly venue once a year, and I've had kids! I also had ten years of never going out anywhere cos no babysitters. Bottom line, she cannot expect the same lifestyle/friendships as she had before she gave birth. Her decision to have a child after all. She seriously needs to grow up, and you all need to tell her no and live with the fall out/emotional blackmail/sulking/tantrums.

I don’t think you’re being U at all OP, I can absolutely understand how tou feel and I say that as a mother of three now. However for many years I was adamant I didn’t want children so I can see where you’re coming from and I think you’ve done plenty to help her and the offer of a child friendly pub lunch or similar should be enough for her. She’s being highly U to expect all your social gathering to now be child friendly, the group doesn’t revolve around her!

Out of curiosity, are you and your friends saying no to her requests and if so, what is her response? It doesn’t sound like she’s getting it, so I think you need to be much stronger at saying this is what we are willing to offer and that’s it. Take it or leave it.