I've found everyone's opinions on this really helpful and ten years in it is important to question borne whether it could be wrong and whether it could be right.
At the time I was on citalopram for anxiety but it didn't really work. I have since changed to sertraline and that works so so so much better for me.
I am going to take the letter I do have to my GP next month as I have an appointment booked. I have looked up BPD on the nhs website as I need to consider whether I do have these symptoms
It says:
Symptoms - Borderline personality disorder
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) can cause a wide range of symptoms, which can be broadly grouped into 4 main areas.
The 4 areas are:
• emotional instability – the psychological term for this is "affective dysregulation"
• disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – "cognitive distortions" or "perceptual distortions"
• impulsive behaviour
• intense but unstable relationships with others
It goes on to give more detail about these things:
Emotional instability
If you have BPD, you may experience a range of often intense negative emotions, such as:
• rage
• sorrow
• shame
• panic
• terror
• long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness
You may have severe mood swings over a short space of time.
It's common for people with BPD to feel suicidall_ with despair, and then feel reasonably positive a few hours later. Some people feel better in the morning and some in the evening. The pattern varies, but the key sign is that your moods swing in unpredictable ways.
I do not have unpredictable mood swings. Yes I have been low in some periods in my life and I do suffer from anxiety but things such as death of a parent, pnd and stressful situations have led to these. I do not have feelings of emptiness and loneliness but perhaps as I may have been struggling with pnd at the time I told him I did.
Disturbed patterns of thinking
Different types of thoughts can affect people with BPD, including:
• upsetting thoughts – such as thinking you're a terrible person or feeling you do not exist. You may not be sure of these thoughts and may seek reassurance that they're not true
• brief episodes of strange experiences – such as hearing voices outside your head for minutes at a time. These may often feel like instructions to harm yourself or others. You may or may not be certain whether these are real
• prolonged episodes of abnormal experiences – where you might experience both hallucinationss_ (voices outside your head) and distressing beliefs that no one can talk you out of (such as believing your family are secretly trying to kill you)
These types of beliefs may be psychoticc_ and a sign you're becoming more unwell. It's important to get help if you're struggling with delusions.
Living with a controlling partner has occasionally made me feel like I'm not important but not that I don't exist. And at times the pnd used to make me feel like I was a terrible mum but actually that's crap because I know I have been a good mum. Kids have always come first no matter what.
Impulsive behaviour
If you have BPD, there are 2 main types of impulses you may find extremely difficult to control:
• an impulse to self-harmm_ – such as cutting your arms with razors or burning your skin with cigarettes; in severe cases, especially if you also feel intensely sad and depressed, this impulse can lead to feeling suicidal and attempting suicide
• a strong impulse to engage in reckless and irresponsible activities – such as binge drinking, drug misuse, going on a spending or gambling spree, or having unprotected sex with strangers
I admitted I took class a drugs a couple of times in my early 20s whilst at uni. Honestly this is the only thing I can think that he would have attributed to this category.
Unstable relationships
If you have BPD, you may feel that other people abandon you when you most need them, or that they get too close and smother you.
When people fear abandonment, it can lead to feelings of intense anxietyy_ and anger. You may make frantic efforts to prevent being left alone, such as:
• constantly texting or phoning a person
• suddenly calling that person in the middle of the night
• physically clinging on to that person and refusing to let go
• making threats to harm or kill yourself if that person ever leaves you
Alternatively, you may feel others are smothering, controlling or crowding you, which also provokes intense fear and anger. You may then respond by acting in ways to make people go away, such as emotionally withdrawing, rejecting them or using verbal abuse.
These 2 patterns may result in an unstable "love-hate" relationship with certain people.
Many people with BPD seem to be stuck with a very rigid "black-white" view of relationships. Either a relationship is perfect and that person is wonderful, or the relationship is doomed and that person is terrible. People with BPD seem unable or unwilling to accept any sort of "grey area" in their personal life and relationships.
For many people with BPD, emotional relationships (including relationships with professional carers) involve "go away/please don't go" states of mind, which is confusing for them and their partners. Sadly, this can often lead to break-ups.
Again, the only thing I think he can attribute this to is the fact that I may have told him that my DH is controlling. I have really good relationships with a variety of people. I have continued old friendships for years from all sorts of areas of my life. Some are great friends and some are periphery friends and many have grey areas!
So yes I do feel that this is a misdiagnosis by an inexperienced doctor and I am definitely going to ask the gp to did the letter out of his files and request a second opinion!