Can't cope with one day on my own with the kids

[Hungrycaterpillarsmummy]

I have an 18m old and a 3.5yr old and me and DH decided I would drop one day at work so I can see them and look after them/save childcare costs.

Honestly, it's the day of the week I dread the most. I click watch all day until DH comes home.

How do other people manage? I find it hard work still lugging them around the place, we have a double buggy it is super heavy to push and I have a bad back but also don't want to drive them everywhere. 3.5 yr old refuses to walk very much so double buggy is a necessity (I'm working on getting him on his bike/running to park etc).

But they fight over toys, if I try and feed the little one upstairs to sleep for his nap the older one will make noises and scream and cry keeping the little one up! (Not always but sometimes)

I take them to softplay most Fridays as it's a good activity for them both but we eat there and I'm spending £20 every Friday that I really can't afford at the moment.
Taking them to the park is hell because one wants to go on one thing and the other is off in another direction. I just feel stressed the whole time and then am absolutely exhausted by the end of it all.

If I took them to the garden the little one will be in to everything they shouldn't be touching etc, they fight over the little card we have.

Do other people find this stage hard?!

Tell dh it was a lovely idea but not great for anyone in reality. He can do it instead.

Well tbh he was happy either way having them in nursery it was more me wanting the Friday to see them but I just find it difficult.
He said to me this morning if I hate it just to go back 5 days a week to work and put the kids back in nursery.
But it just makes me feel crap I can't cope with my own kids!

Ah no this is sad. What about bounce and rhyme at the local library? Or walks in the woods etc instead of the park? Playing with toys in the garden? Can you do car naps instead of lugging them round in the double buggy or trying to do a cot nap? I think cot naps aren't practical with this age gap.

What is it that you're finding the hardest do you think? The not knowing how to entertain them? Or the arguing?

Could you pop them in the car to drive a short way to the nearest park or woodland? Pack lots of snacks and spare clothes and let them walk and explore. Look under stones or trees to see what’s there. They will be naturally curious and the natural world will do the work. Regular snacks will keep them going and you may feel more relaxed being outdoors.

Can you go back FT? They are not going to be happier with an unhappy, stressed mother. It’s not for everyone.

Just relax, they've been at childcare all week and you've been at work all week, you don't have to fill the day with activities if you don't want to.

I know you say you don't want to drive them everywhere but if it makes your life easier then go for it for now, it's not the end of the world. In this weather a green space and some snacks will keep them occupied for a while, or even get DH to help sort the garden out so there's less stuff the younger one can get into that they shouldn't.

I think 18 months is a super tough age and then you add a 3 year old and then it's awful.

I have a similar age gap and have always worked 4 days a week and this stage was just awful. I especially hated taking them to playgrounds on my own for the reasons you state.

It got a lot better when they were 4 and 2 and interested in the same things.

My advice if you want to give it more of a try (and you don't have to - there's no shame in just acknowledging it doesn't work for you) is:

Routine routine routine - find a regular routine on Fridays that works for you. Mine was always something like: play at home, then class or playgroup in the morning, a nice supportive church hall type group, home for lunch, nap time/quiet time/telly time, snack, short jaunt somewhere like the library, home for tea, chill time (e.g. books), then bedtime.

Routine just really helps with behaviour because they know what to expect.

Don't be afraid of a bit of screen time

While they are this age, do not even try to do any housework, it's a win if the house isn't messier at the end of the day.

Do you have a garden? If so get a pop up tent or a non expensive playhouse. Get kitchen play equipment and age appropriate Lego (check secondhand) and they will play for ages. Chalk if you have a paved area. A sandpit or a box that they can scoop sand. My kids had an art box with paper and crayons. This also kept them busy. No tv and no screens. You’ll do fine. It’s really hard work but once you find what they can play with you can have a sit down. A dust pan and brush was another favourite. Endless sweeping up. At that age they could knead bread dough for a long time. It’s rewarding as they can follow the process of it rising afterwards and then cooking. If you can find minute by minute activities you’ll be ok. Once they are busy you can watch them but sitting down. It’s really a lot of work but good to do. Be kind to yourself. You are doing great.

Just to add - in general, I recommend taking the easy way out at this stage. If the 3 year old is preventing you from getting the younger one down for his nap, let the 3 yo watch TV if it keeps them quiet. If driving makes it easier for you, do that!

I found that stage hard. I found a routine helped and friends helped. So i did a regular church toddler group near the house, came home for lunch and then had quiet time but sometimes a friend from the toddler group would come round.

But there is nothing wrong with working fulltime. Childcare is based around what children need and children like routine.

Welcome to motherhood! Can I ask what have you been doing with them the last few years ? That comes across as someone who barely knows their kids , I always worked full time and still managed full days with my kids without struggling so I’m assuming you had amazing childcare or a ton of help u til now if you are not used to have them both ?
And yes of course it’s hard , that stage is not easy. Was your hubby the main carer until now and is he still at weekends etc ?

I totally get this. Similar situation and my saviour is finding a playgroup. Enclosed space. Tire them out in the morning then naps/lunch/ afternoon easier.

I still get stressed trying to track them both at large playgrounds etc.

Agree with routine. Find a small playgroup, drive to it so hopefully youngest falls asleep on the way home.
Plenty of snacks.

They are tired after nursery all week so don't try to do too much. Also, you'll be shattered too.

I used to split the day into 45 minute chunks and make sure every other slot was something I wouldn’t hate.

I do feel like I need to keep going with it because surely I should be able to cope?! And also, a bit of a selfish one, my end goal is to have them both at school and I keep my Friday day off to have some "me time" with a good work life balance.

Thank you for suggestions, I do take them to the softplay with a friend and also we started going to the library and had a good time there two weeks ago but the 18m old was just pulling every book out and knocked over a big cardboard cutout thing multiple times etc so again I found it stressful.
The garden I do bring out the toys but it always ends in then fighting over the same toy. As soon as the 3.5yr old has something the 18m old wants it and tries to grab it resulting in 3.5 yr old crying. It's an ok sized garden but not very child friendly. I do want to get a sand pit so maybe that would keep them entertained for a bit.

I'm going to take them to the splash park today and see how that goes. At least it's all gates off so I won't have an escapee!

@Grumpyfroghats I do let 3.5yr old watch TV whilst I feed the little one but sometimes I think he is just looking for attention or whatever and he comes up and makes noise on purpose. Sometimes he is just sad he has been left alone.

Also I think I am wiped out from work
I have done super long days recently working full day then home to deal with kids then back online to work until midnight. It has been crazy and then broken sleep feeding the little one through the night.

So I am changing jobs next month and the crazy working should stop and then I have two weeks annual leave coming up that I plan to wean the baby so hopefully that results in better sleep too.

I found that age/stage really challenging (had 2 with a similar gap) the little one is less ‘portable’ and has their own preferences but the older one is no more reasonable!!

Practically have you looked at buggy boards? Still heavy to cart around but not as wide as a double buggy and you can encourage your 3YO to hop off and walk for short stretches.

Agree with going more low-key with activities as needed. Also cut yourself some slack - I remember that feeling of guilt that I wasn’t loving every moment but that just makes it worse. Everyone has challenging days - kids and us - the beauty and the curse of parenthood is that we get to get up the next day and try again!

I can also see how a Friday, when everyone’s knackered from work/nursery could be compounding issues - could you change the day? Maybe earlier in the week when you’re all a bit fresher?

You’re doing a great job x

I've had kids that age and it's really difficult. I agree, I have had to sometimes get the older one to watch TV while I'm somewhere else getting the younger to nap, was actually relieved when the youngest stopped napping!

The only thing that helped was finding fairly safe spaces like proofing the hell out of the house and garden and enclosed parks so it's not the end of the world if you take your eyes off one of them for a bit. Keep working on getting the 3.5 year old walking, they're like dogs, they need exercise at this age.

Ultimately if it's not working for you it's not working so don't feel bad if you have to go back full time.

Hmm, maybe on naps, saying that if he stays quiet and downstairs, you will reward him by playing something he loves one on one with him?

I had the same gap between mine and it was very full-on at those ages.

I taught mine that if they saw me holding my hand up, to run back for a high five (and sometimes a chocolate button). We always played that game first thing when we went anywhere, and once or twice more during the outing. They also had to check that I could still see them if they ran off. It meant that I wasn’t running after them, and that they weren’t running away to get my attention. And also that they used up a lot more energy than I did on our outings.

Try and have a nice quiet activity like sand, rice, water, or playdoh for the afternoon.

If you’re doing messy play, either start by getting out what you’ll need to clean them up, or just do it in the bath instead.

The longest you’ll keep them busy at that age is 30 minutes.

Actively encourage helpful behaviour and give lots of attention to whatever you need them to do for you.

It’s very full on at these ages.

With the buggy, try gripping the handle from underneath rather than from the top. (So rotate your wrist, palm up and hold). It engages different muscles and can help with back ache.

God I hear you, I’m dreading this stage where they’re both mobile, I have a 3 year old and a baby. Well done for trying it..!
It should be doable one day a week, though, no? Some more planning might help with feeling in control of the day.

I think you’re right to seek self contained areas they can both range free, could you alternate a baby and toddler group with soft play one week a month maybe? Or make packed lunches to cut cost of outings? My 3 year old loves a packed lunch in a paper bag like the one you get on the kids menu. Put stickers in so he can decorate the bag after and it buys a few more mins.

Use your outside space for messy play, give them each a tray with E.g. sand and vehicles, water and pouring cups, salt dough, or do pavement chalks or potato printing outdoors - that way there’s enough to not have to share and can be tailored to their age.

Older one gets telly time after lunch conditional upon being quiet while younger one goes down…?

Some small exciting snacks they can get involved with (give them bread or toast and a cookie cutter? make jelly with them? Ice biscuits? Freeze juice with fruit in it for lollies?) help break up the day. My toddler
will cut up strawberries for ages.

You don’t have to do everything every day, think of it like a balanced meal - some outdoor time, some independent play, some down time (including screens) one activity that requires effort from you that you prepped in advance. Good luck!

That age is really hard! Don’t feel guilty, but you’re not happy so change it. You’ll enjoy them much more too.

I’d even consider sending them in and having that day for you to do you or catch on stuff (or half a day).

Yea. This stage is SO hard. I have a 3.5 year old and a 1.5 year old and everything you describe is my life daily - it's very stressful!

I think maybe you should look at stress management. So that you can take your kids to the park or garden and not panic if they touch things, be at the library and accept that things might get knocked over but it doesn't matter. Maybe if you are able to relax and enjoy them more it will be easier. Can you follow some courses on how to react to stressful situations?

I’m currently on maternity leave ( 37 weeks pregnant ) Thankfully we can still just about afford to send DC 18 months to nursery for 2 days but I am with him the other 3 days and then the weekend. My lord . It is hard and I hate to admit it was easier when he was at nursery and I worked . I can’t work out if it is because I am pregnant and exhausted or it is just because toddlers are really really lovely but hard work.
im starting to worry about having a newborn and toddler 5/7!!!!

My DH works from home and is constantly popping in and checking in and it drives me mad.

Could you send older one to nursery for the morning on that day ? Then you have the day morning with just smaller one ?? Then pick up older one at 1pm and then just go straight out ??