Can't cope with one day on my own with the kids

[Hungrycaterpillarsmummy]

I have an 18m old and a 3.5yr old and me and DH decided I would drop one day at work so I can see them and look after them/save childcare costs.

Honestly, it's the day of the week I dread the most. I click watch all day until DH comes home.

How do other people manage? I find it hard work still lugging them around the place, we have a double buggy it is super heavy to push and I have a bad back but also don't want to drive them everywhere. 3.5 yr old refuses to walk very much so double buggy is a necessity (I'm working on getting him on his bike/running to park etc).

But they fight over toys, if I try and feed the little one upstairs to sleep for his nap the older one will make noises and scream and cry keeping the little one up! (Not always but sometimes)

I take them to softplay most Fridays as it's a good activity for them both but we eat there and I'm spending £20 every Friday that I really can't afford at the moment.
Taking them to the park is hell because one wants to go on one thing and the other is off in another direction. I just feel stressed the whole time and then am absolutely exhausted by the end of it all.

If I took them to the garden the little one will be in to everything they shouldn't be touching etc, they fight over the little card we have.

Do other people find this stage hard?!

Does the 3.5yo have 30 free hours? Why not have him in Preschool for the week, with a childminder pick up Mon-Thur, then you just have 1.2.1 time with the 18mo on a Friday?

Could you get a mother's helper for a few hours?
Exams are coming to an end. I'm sure there'll be a 16 or 18 year old who has just finished exams could come and be an extra pair of hands so that you can take them out.

You sound overwhelmed my lovely, which is totally normal!
You're not a bad mum, you're human.
Be kind to yourself.
X

Just a small thing but one you could work on… getting the 18m down for a nap without much intervention. I get it, I’m a fan of feeding to sleep but my 3 year old is the same in that he comes and finds me if I’m putting my twins down (14m). So that, and the fact there’s two of them, means I have to put them down quickly. Tbh I’ve always told him quite explicitly that if he needs me when I’m upstairs with them that he is to come and find me.

I take them upstairs, give them a quick story, had been putting them in their sleep sacks before this heat, and then lay them in their cots. They both cried a bit in the beginning so I was going in every two minutes and cuddling them then leaving the room and repeat. It took them all of about 2/3 days to get it. And now I can just take them up for their nap. Occasionally get a bit of push back. I did this when they were around 10 months so it might take a bit longer for an 18 month to get it. But he must be falling asleep without you ok the other four days?

go back to work full time OP.
more money and less stress!
winner!

Have 2 or 3 builders trays in the garden and alternate sand/water/rice/foam/cornflour etc.with little boats/diggers/trains buckets and spades. Hopefully they might each pick different ones!

I'm so glad I posted, these suggestions are great.

Sometimes I feed the baby then plonk them in the buggy and try and get him to nap in there. He fights sleep sometimes though so if there's stuff to look at he stays awake 🤦

I'm glad Im not alone finding this stage hard, that does make me feel a bit better about it.

The silly thing is I did have the elder one in nursery of a Friday Morning but the nursery increased the fees and I just felt it was a ridiculous amount to pay when I was already at home on the Friday anyway. But yeh maybe the fee was worth it!

I look after my grandsons two days a week, one is four, the other eighteen months. I thought I was experienced and fairly calm but omg, this is something else! I sympathise greatly. I have a water table and a sandpit outside plus various tractors and trikes to sit on. Outdoor games and chalks. A pop up tent and tunnel. A tepee. Nothing works for long as the wee one wants whatever the big one has, grabs and screams then the big one winds him up. I'm looking for ideas too. I do hope this stage passes quickly but I'm not holding my breath. Solidarity.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand I think my parents find the same when they have them both.

Its just never ending wants, needs, fusses etc it's very wearing.

There's been some Fridays my husband comes home from work I can barely talk I have absolutely zero energy left at the end of the day and go to bed 8-9pk on a Friday night. It's miserable!

Alternatively, could you and your dh both go down to a 9 day fortnight and take alternative Fridays off? Half the amount of Fridays for you to do, and he does a day alone each fortnight with the dc too.

Of course at the moment it'll all be particularly hard work due to the hot weather.

I'd echo the pp who suggested getting out to an open space (not a playground). Somewhere where it's safe to explore and where the fresh air and nature might bring a bit of calm.

I have to say that I often thought when DD was 2/3 yo 'thank goodness I've only got one to think about' so you have my sympathy and I'm sure it just feels like a constant barrage of kids' needs.

I would try a method of giving your older child very good quality 1-2-1 attention while the 18m naps so that he knows that if he leaves you to get her to sleep that he will be rewarded by nice time with you. It's difficult because I know the pull to get on with clearing up lunch or hanging washing out once the baby is asleep is strong but I think an investment in your older child might go a long way.

I'm a lone parent and self-employed and have used this approach with my DD when I have had work I've needed to do. I've found that if I spend some proper focused time with her then it fulfils that need so that she might then chill out and play independently while I work.

I'd literally hate this. Go back to 5 days!

May I suggest you talk to your employer about doing compressed hours so you retain your ft salary ? Then hopefully you won't need to worry about £20 in soft play ? When mine were a similar age we did swimming on Fridays there is usually a free creche so both get a bit of 1 on 1 time with you and also hopefully a bit of down time afterwards.

If they're at nursery all week I would probably go simple on a friday. Fresh air in the morning. Walk in the woods or similar. Picnic type lunch either out or at home. Then a chill out afternoon, books, screen time and garden. No need to spend more money really

My youngest two are about the same age.
1.5 year olds are very trying, gets easier their 2nd Birthday. They just want to get into everything.
You don't need to fill the day up with activities. I would aim for car or buggy naps. You could also allow him to do ABC Mouse or another preschool app whilst you're getting the toddler to sleep.
The 3 year old isn't a toddler anymore, get a buggy board, it will encourage them to walk and will make getting out less stressful when you don't have a big heavy pushchair. In my experience it's lighter with a buggy board even when they're bigger.

You don't have to fill the day with activities. I would aim for 1 activity in the morning... maybe some letter and / or number activities. Lots of ideas online. Your big one will enjoy the connection of doing that with you, and your little one will have fun playing with some magnetic letters on the radiator etc.
Then a quiet activity in the afternoon, magix water painting which isn't messy. When weather is nice 'painting'outsixe with water, chalk. Etc. You don't have to take them out and spend loads every single Friday.

Oh and you will absolutely adjust. And it will get easier over the next few month as the toddler gets bigger!

If you can afford it, I would be tempted to put one in nursery in morn and other in the afternoon on Fridays. At least temporarily. I think it will improve things getting some 1 to 1 time with each

It's hard, but they will change constantly, it won't always be like this. They also will pick up if you're stressed and miserable and "up" the ante with their "attention seeking" behaviour, bickering etc, so there's a benefit in trying to find a way to get through your Fridays with the most joy and acceptance that you can muster! Whatever that needs to be. If you're losing the plot and can't think what else to do, stick your favourite music on and turn it up and dance in the kitchen for ten minutes, that always turned me around and we ended up laughing.

Strength in numbers also worked for me, join forces with other mothers whenever and wherever you can, just seeing another human being in the same situation as you can put it all in perspective, and there's always someone to keep an eye on them while you nip to the loo and do some deep breathing.

It's bloody hard work. I think at those ages it's particularly hard!
I would decide that for the next 4 Fridays, you are going to chill out at home. Make sure you have food/snacks in and bung the telly on.
Mon-Thurs they are fully entertained at nursery. Friday is the day to do feck all.

You need a buggy board or a cheap three wheeled scooter (my eldest perfected holding onto the pram and being towed along once tired).

Without meaning to sound harsh, at 3.5 the eldest is big enough for boundaries. You just need to be a bit firmer and reward him with time with you or play with things the toddler can't be near when he sits nicely while you get youngest down for a nap.

Is there not a toddler group or something in a church hall you can attend for adult company and distraction?

I agree with the picnics and getting out. It can be easier than at home (and no cleaning up!)

I preferred to walk everywhere as I found the car a faff.

While soft play solves an hour it is probably also making them hyper and more difficult for the rest of the time. Find more relaxing things to do. Learn which parks have a good fence so you can let them have a bit more freedom. I found a nice thermal cup so I could have a cuppa made it feel a lot nicer for me (one with an easy lid so its still hot when you have to abandon it 400 times!)

Also pick your battles. Don't intervene in every little squabble. It often makes it worse because it becomes a battle for your attention too .

I had a playpen. As they got older it was the big one who liked to sit in it to do things safely away from destruction!

It's trial and error as to what works but personally I found staying at home was a lot worse than getting out. But getting out to the right places. Next door to our old house was a church which had a proper old fashioned run by the vicar's wife playgroup. She and her group of church ladies were really happy to help - they would keep an eye on your 3 year old while you changed a nappy etc. I found that kind of thing much easier than playgrounds or even soft play

Relax and enjoy your children. You don’t have to take them anywhere. Just spend the day at home with them, playing/coloring, eating, napping, looking at their little faces, cuddling on the sofa, venturing into your garden briefly for a little sunshine. That’s it. It will become your favorite day.

Step back from the caffeine if needed. I had too much when mine was little. You sound overly wired, so I’m just making a suggestion, you may not even drink coffee.

I've got 3 DC who are all teens now, and have done a mixture of SAHM, part time and (almost) full time over the years.

My personal experience is that PT is the pits. Its difficult to explain why, but there was something about the constant context switching from work mode to one-handed parenting that I just found really hard. It was much easier when I was on maternity leave and could get properly in the swing of the day-to-day rhythm of looking after little children. Or likewise when I could focus myself on the demands of a career.

It isn't helped by the expectation that PT work is held up as the best of both worlds, combined with the pressure to fit everything in to your 'days off' with the children.

Personally I would either cut your work hours down significantly, or go back to work FT.

I wouldn't cope either @Hungrycaterpillarsmummy . My youngest two are 5 and 8 and I still struggle on days alone with them! Not sure if anyone else has suggested this but could you alternate them being in childcare? So every other Friday you just have one of them to look after? That way they get proper time with you without the fights. Even better... Rotate so that you get two Fridays to yourself every month! Sounds like you need a break. Give yourself one!