Can't cope with one day on my own with the kids

[Hungrycaterpillarsmummy]

I have an 18m old and a 3.5yr old and me and DH decided I would drop one day at work so I can see them and look after them/save childcare costs.

Honestly, it's the day of the week I dread the most. I click watch all day until DH comes home.

How do other people manage? I find it hard work still lugging them around the place, we have a double buggy it is super heavy to push and I have a bad back but also don't want to drive them everywhere. 3.5 yr old refuses to walk very much so double buggy is a necessity (I'm working on getting him on his bike/running to park etc).

But they fight over toys, if I try and feed the little one upstairs to sleep for his nap the older one will make noises and scream and cry keeping the little one up! (Not always but sometimes)

I take them to softplay most Fridays as it's a good activity for them both but we eat there and I'm spending £20 every Friday that I really can't afford at the moment.
Taking them to the park is hell because one wants to go on one thing and the other is off in another direction. I just feel stressed the whole time and then am absolutely exhausted by the end of it all.

If I took them to the garden the little one will be in to everything they shouldn't be touching etc, they fight over the little card we have.

Do other people find this stage hard?!

It can be hard work. I was a single parent by the time mine were 9 months and 2. I went back to work part time, and the days off were tricky to get right.

Get a water table for the garden. Make a safe space. Plan some activities- treasure hunt (find 1 yellow thing, 2 red etc, a leaf, a white flower, a feather)

Don't worry about the driving. Dc1 was not a napper, I often would drive around for an hour just so they both slept at the same time! If nothing else, your 18 month old will get a power nap

Can they do alternate Fridays in childcare? I used to take dc1 for the morning, then swap them over and take dc2 for the afternoon on a Friday.

That sounds really tough in so many ways - a really tricky age gap unless one (or both) are fairly placid. I found 18 months tough as they don't understand that much but are sooooo mobile!

I think most importantly, just go easy on yourself and accept it's not going to be the magical kids/mummy day that you might imagine - it will probably be exhausting while they're these ages. Find some gated/fenced places - parks etc and drive to them or stick them in the buggy. Take a picnic and flask of tea/coffee and try and have a bit of downtime while they play. With DS1 I felt I had to be chatting and entertaining him all the time but with DD (age 2) I let her wander off (if it's safe) and play a bit and encourage a bit more independence. I also do a bit of TV time with her on non nursery days as I figure she gets so much activity, playing etc on nursery days, she actually benefits from a bit of downtime/relaxed time.

Are there any playgroups or Toddler groups on Fridays that you could go to? It will probably be full on for you but might break the day up a bit, tire the kids out and someone might make you a tea/coffee at least! And they're cheap, usually about £3 a family here.

Sorry, shouldn't have said a tricky age gap but that they're are both at tough ages in different ways. Once the littlest is a bit older, it should get much easier!

Mine are a similar age gap so I feel your pain!

I eventually sorted the noise at nap time thing by giving the biggest one control over what happens. I’d have a conversation with them (ideally out of earshot of the youngest) along the lines of “now it’s quiet time. Do you want to watch tv quietly or do you want to have a sleep “ Let them pick. Ok that’s fine. Littlest has to sleep though because they aren’t big enough to choose.

Then if they come upstairs when you’re putting littlest down say “have you changed your mind? Pjs on quickly and into bed then”

Oh, and in your position I would just do soft play every single Friday until they’re a bit older and easier. I know £20 is a lot of money but cheaper than nursery, they both enjoy it, the house isn’t getting trashed and you’re not too stressed. Seems perfect to me!

Mine are at similar ages. I use a double buggy and it's a pain to use but I don't drive so it's the best option for me.

I enjoy my days with both dc as I really miss them when they're in nursery! I like to do a range of different activities so it's not just the same thing every week. The eldest is old enough to manage on her own for a lot of the time in playgrounds (in the sense of not needing me to physically help her) so I tend to focus on the younger one. We do soft play but we never eat there - bring our own lunch and eat outside, healthier and cheaper. We go to all kinds of places - city farm, library, stay and play, museums, kids theatre, under 5s music. It's a nice opportunity to go to places that might get busy at weekends, like some of the big museums or other touristy places. We're usually out for the day from 8.30-4pm, so the house is as tidy as we left it in the morning. For my dc they like being active and getting out and seeing different places, after staring at the same 4 walls at nursery all week. Youngest will nap in the buggy and that's a nice time to be doing stuff with the oldest.

I take them to softplay most Fridays as it's a good activity for them both but we eat there and I'm spending £20 every Friday that I really can't afford at the moment

I’m not surprised, that will soon add up. I’d go at times when you don’t need to buy lunch-10-12, then come home for lunch or 2-4 and eat lunch at home before you go, and dinner afterwards.

I think I’d try to find a church hall type toddler group to go to-they are cheap and cheerful.

It's not the destination, it's the journey with small people

I.e. If it takes an hour to walk to the park because they look at every twig, that's fine. Just go with the flow

Those ages are tough! I remember I used to drive around the neighbourhood (avoiding any play parks) just to get my oldest one to sleep. My youngest one hated the pram and it was a nightmare getting anywhere. Just remind yourself that they will get older and more sensible.

My other advise is to find a really good playground, luckily my local one had a bit of a hill and a massive sandpit so I could sit on the hill and see them anywhere in the park and they knew where I was. Splashpads are great, anything with water is brilliant especially in this heat

Good luck and don't feel bad if you feel like you need to go back 5 days.

Mine are 17 months and 2.5 years (13 month age gap) and what helps me most is a routine and taking the easy options!

Have a chilled morning/breakfast and get everyone dressed (I get ready before my husband leaves for work), then go to an organised group in the morning. Play groups are great because there’s so many toys they won’t argue over the same ones, they’re always a secure room so there can be no escapees, and there’s lots of other parents/grandparents there to help you out (other people often watch one of mine whilst I change the other ones nappy, or help if there’s a big tantrum etc.) I drive there because I find the double buggy hard to push too, I feel your pain with that!

Home for an easy lunch, usually do beans and cheese on toast. When it’s nap time for my youngest I close the curtains downstairs and make a little bed on the sofa for us all. I feed the youngest to sleep on my lap, and put a film on quietly for my oldest with some nice snacks in a bowl. Sometimes he falls asleep, sometimes he doesn’t. You get to have a rest then too and your oldest won’t be asking for attention because you’ll all be downstairs together.

Then in the afternoon we just play in the house (make a den, some games in the bath, a music concert/dancing around, drawing etc). My husband then gets home about 17:30 so we have tea and then sometimes pop out for a little walk all together before bed time.

Just do whatever is easy and creates the least hassle! They’ll just enjoy spending time with you, they don’t need to be busy all day especially since they’re at nursery 4 days a week. It’s good for their imaginations to be a bit bored too 🤣

You’ll find your pattern eventually! Don’t worry.

Echoing pp about having a strong routine. This makes all the difference. Both for them and you.

-Wake up, breakfast, get them ready.

-Put something on telly for them whilst you get ready.

-Get out the house in the morning, library, woodlands, park, soft play (bring snacks from home and go home for lunch), trip into town, walk to the shop to buy bits for lunch. It can be something small... if not in the mood to leave the house, I suspect you may find the day harder at home as I find most children get needy at home if they don't have enough one to one attention/something to do.

-Come home for lunch, feed them both. Little one upstairs for naps whilst 3 year old watches something.

-Make yourself lunch and try and have quality time with eldest if the moods is right. If eldest is happy don't intervene, let them get on with whatever they want (within reason of course).

-After nap, this can be your chill time with them pottering around at home and in the garden. Remove stuff you don't want touched. Invest in some water/garden toys.
This is a good moment to share a garden snack too!

-Prep dinner for them. Bath. Bedtime telly. Bed

-Husband makes dinner after kids in bed.

Being at home with them can make or break you. Having a robust routine will really help. Can't stress that enough.

Keep things simple. It's summer, I find I don't need to go out as much as mine hate the heat. But the garden is enough. I avoid big days out that are pricey. They aren't any happier for it. In the mornings I just do a small trip into town to get bits and bobs, see the ducks, library, playgroup, or shops/garden centre. Just to get out the house. Pack a small bags of nappies and snacks. I'm 90% always out by 9.30am and home for lunch and nap by 11.30am. Sometimes it's less than this.

Alternatively you may find you're the type who'd rather pack a picnic and drive 50mins to a park or something. If so, they nap on the way there. Eat, have fun. Drive home. They nap on the way back. Bit of telly whilst you make dinner. Bath. Bed.

It's very much trial and error and you can never get it right all the time. I've been SAHM for 5 years and still have shit days.

I completely sympathise and this was one of the reasons I went back to work full time after my second child. When I can I take a day off here and there for one-on-one time with each child but I never take them both out at once. It just ends up being so unenjoyable for everyone. I know that probably makes me a bad mother but I am realistic about my own limitations!

@idliketogetdownnow it absolutely does not make you a bad mother!

This is really what you took from this post?

Wow.

I used to take my 2 swimming every Friday morning. It's hard work with changing but once in the baby pool they were both happy. We often had lunch in the cafe.. And they came home tired in a relaxed way. Then it was a nap for the small one and cbeebies for the big one.

Can he not drop the day (or compress hours) instead?

I had the same gap and honestly that stage was tough. In one way I was quite glad it was lockdown and we couldn't go anywhere anyway! It gets so much easier as they get older. Then the older one will go to school and you'll just have the younger one which is easier again.

My youngest is starting school in September and I'll miss my time off with children during the week but I'm honestly I'm also really looking forward to having some time to myself finally.

Hang on in there, it gets better.

Ah thanks @ValBiro. The "mum guilt" is very real!

ahhh PP not everyone is up for bounce and rhyme (WTF 😮 etc)

If you were happier at work OP just go back

Don’t be an arse

No need to be horrible to me. I am genuinely trying to help this lady.

Ha, love this. The toxic “you can do everything and love it all, if not you’re a shit parent” brigade still alive and kicking 🙄

I also have kids exactly this age and this is why I work FT. I love my kids to bits but I am a better mother when I recognise I need that quiet time at work, with adult conversations and actual hot drinks rather than lukewarm brown water, to be a patient and involved mum when I am at home. The weekend is long enough in my opinion and then DH and I work as a tag team. Plus my kids love their nursery so that also really helps, they get way more playtime there than they would at home with me.

I also echo the replies about getting outside, preferably to a place that’s fenced off with minimal hazards so you can just let them run around and burn off energy. I also take mine to shopping centres where they have those rides you can pay for and let them sit on them without paying, they don’t seem to notice the difference and it keeps them entertained for a good 5 minutes. Finally; tuff trays and kinetic sand.

Good luck, whether you decide to return FT or not! And don’t feel bad for struggling at all, more mums do than you’d think. You’re doing a fab job.

Mine are 18 months apart. The early days were savage. I was glad to see the back of my double buggy!!

Get yourself a nice water table, a big garden umbrella and a baby paddling pool with the tiniest bit of water in it. It made all the difference for keeping mine occupied.

You will be glad to hear that it really does get easier. I always thought people were lying when they used to tell me that but mine are now 3.5 and 5 and fairly civilised

This is such a great post

I had one D's and decided I was bored and lonely at home, plus I was being run ragged by D's. So there's nearly a six years age gap between them. They weren't interested in the same toys when they were little so no fighting.