Jealous of other single parents

[MaxwellCat]

I know I’m unreasonable and will be told that loads of mums don’t get any days off but from what I’ve seen it certainly seems to be unusual, I feel envious of other single parents who get weekends off and whose exes have the kids half the holidays / take kids away on holiday 😢 I know it’s terrible to envy other single parents, I know it won’t be forever but it’s a bloody long time! How can I stop feeling this way? Even one night a month would be something

I call myself a lone parent rather than a single parent. Yes it’s very hard not having any support or a break or even to share good and bad times.

summary

Op feels like she is drowning, due to ex and family is raising 4 children alone 2 with additional needs. Knows the world is going to change - feels jealous of people getting a break - aware unless co parenting well it isn’t always easy. Just wants to vent a bit of understanding .

As usual usual unhelpful comments that end up on every Lp thread who dare to complain .

You chose husband badly
someone complains about having to pay Child maintenance
you shouldn’t ever want a break because you chose to have them.
You had too many children.

these appear on just about every thread I am not sure what the point of these posts are? Is it to make the Op feel worse?

parenting is challenging at different times for many many different reasons . It would be lovely if people could just support each other.

The things I found most challenging is no one else cares the way I do. I don’t have anyone who I can talk to when Dc does things good and bad.
because my Dc has additional needs I still have so much life admin to do on top of standard peranting , appointments, meetings , paperwork along with additional care needs .

I love the bones of my Dc but I get no breaks except work. Mine is a teenager so where care needs should be getting easier they really aren’t .

Find ways that work for you Op - whether that is space at home - anything you can do to find a little space.

I love getting up a little earlier and having a cuppa in peace just to be alone for half an hour .

@Starlightstarbright1 so many judgemental types on MN unfortunately.

@MaxwellCat hi OP. Not read the whole thread sorry, but would childcare for one day a week be an option? Whether in the week or a weekend? I am a lone parent and this is really the only thing that keeps me sane.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune do you have much life experience? You seem a little naive… no doubt sometime in your life you will fall upon hard times in one way or another. Perhaps that is really the only way to properly learn that life doesn’t always happen how you want, despite all the best of intentions. Good luck.

Having respite if it could work in a way you are happy with isn't about the government looking after your children but making sure you can continue to be there for them and not burn out....

I don’t think that the OP wants respite. It seems to me to be more of a deep rooted sadness that the dad has been a waste of space. My posts saying four children was always going to be a lot to deal with was not in any way ‘shaming’ her for having a lot of children; the point is that it would probably apply even in a committed relationship. But I don’t think it’s a lack of a break that’s causing the unhappiness here.

Sorry for the loss of your husband.. ( I've lost two partners) .. but you mentioned 10 years ago when your children were 5 and 3.. so now they are 15 and 13 and surely old enough to be left while you catch up with a friend, or they can have sleep overs at friends? Give you some time to yourself?

Ds and I escaped from a terrible violent man who tried to kill me. After I won the court case and neither of us ever had to see him again all we wanted was to be together safe. I didn't want nights out or weekends away from DS we felt safe together and I didn't want to let him out of my sight.

The point of that being be glad with what you have. It could be much worse.

I’m happily married but get pangs of jealously of my single mum friends. Friday comes and they pack the kids off to their Dads. Sometimes they have a weekend catching up on domestic stuff, sometimes they do sod all, sometimes they have wild nights out and the odd fling. All of which seem quite appealing when raising young children.

Very sensitive post.

I can't say I fully understand, op as I have an equal partner in my husband. BUT I've just done 3 nights alone with my 3 year old and 4 month old (no family nearby). And I saw a window into being a single parent with no help. It's tough not getting that down time, that necessary 30 minutes to yourself, or even the time to go to the toilet. I would also find it incredibly difficult doing this all the time.

Are you kids still relatively young?

The thing is, in other cultures (often less ‘developed’) there’s much more of a village attitude to bringing up children. I actually think the nuclear family model, assuming little/no help from extended family, is unnatural and puts a lot of pressure on parents and by extension young children. So it could indeed be seen as more of a ‘first world problem’ to feel a bit sunk by the presssures of solo parenting. It’s just not natural and I feel for solo parents enormously (including my own mother, who had zero extended family or support). I contrast it with my husband’s experience growing up in a developing country - much less money but family, friends and relations coming out of their ears, as well as very very cheap help available. Single parenting in the west can be tough and isolating as far as I can see

There are a few people on this thread who seem determined to bash single mothers.

Yes, it is entirely likely that SOME single mothers (no idea what proportion) chose husbands "badly". We've all seen threads on mumsnet where I'm sure we think, "why I'm earth do you want (another) baby with this man?!?"

But I really can't see that it's helpful to either:

• assume this is the case for all single mothers. It clearly isn't. Widows are the most obvious counter example.
• blame women after the fact.

If a woman has chosen "badly", how does it help to villify her? The only possible rationalisation is that a lack of societal support will encourage other women to be more careful in their choices. I'd argue we have (at least) thousands of years of history to prove that's not effective.

Would it not be better to be at least sympathetic to those women who find themselves in this position, and focus on how we raise our children to better avoid similar situations? Attempt to raise our sons in the expectation that they have equal reproductive responsibility, and help our daughters to have high standards of their partners.

OP, I'm sorry your situation is difficult. I have 3 children (4th on the way). I would really struggle without the support i have from my DH (he works a lot, but he does still do a fair amount at weekends/holidays which gives me a break) and my parents who we are fortunate to have nearby, in good health and willing.

Are there any options that you could explore to give you a break? You mention you have a sister - any chance of a mutual swap once a month? One of you takes all the kids out for movie/pizza/gaming (could be at home to keep cost down) once a month or more so that you get some guaranteed alone time? Or try to organise sleep overs with friends? You do of course have to be willing/able to reciprocate.

It is hard, I’ve been a single parent since was youngest was 2yo, now 14yo. It does eventually get easier but having to have all the responsibility, do all the thinking, pay all the bills on one wage becomes exhausting. I’ve been very fortunate to have a supportive family through the years and my brother has taken on ‘dad jobs’ such as picking them up/taking them to friends or work when I can’t. The children see him in that role whereas they only see their actual dad for a few hours when he decides he has time. Less now since he moved away from the area. Get minimal money towards them too.

My ex left the country when my son was 16, Ive never had a day off from being a mum. Always been so hard with no financial support and having no time for myself. My son is now 22 and hes passed his engineering degree this year. He is the most amazing wonderful man and we have a great bond. A lot of sacrifices, a lot of hard work but its so worth it.

I do feel for you. I have 4 too and have had concerns over exes parenting but thinks are okay at the moment and he has a lot of help. Having that time away is really beneficial to rest, catch up on sleep, have space to think, do bits around the house etc. I really appreciate the time and meet with friends have days out etc. I’m not sure how I would manage without it tbh so I don’t have a solution but really sympathise.

Along those lines I was going to suggest to take a few days in the year when dcs are at school but you are on hols so you can get a whole day just for yourself too.

I am married with 3 children, so not a lone parent. I am exhausted all of the time. I have never stopped to think about what the OP is describing. Being a lone parent must be absolutely back breaking. Thanks for the insight and I’m just sorry that I don’t have anything more meaningful to add to the conversation. You’re all doing a fabulous job.

Btw I agree with you @MaxwellCat
Men can walk away from their dcs and there is little said about it. No enforcement of contact etc… Nope. They can start again a life as if those dcs never existed.

Whereas women on the other side would be vilified if they were doing only half of that - even just going I’m doing the EOW and the father is the resident parent.

And yes that’s deeply unfair.

It doesn’t matter how you came to be doing everything by yourself, you’re allowed to find it difficult and have crappy days regardless of the how and why. Your feelings are valid and I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I hope things get easier for you and you get a much needed break. You’re doing an incredible job and your children are so lucky to have you in their lives x

I’m a single parent with support. At times in the past my kids dad didn’t have them, and I was in a very difficult position. Have you heard it takes a village, well it’s true. It’s extremely difficult to
raise children entirely alone, I really feel for you. I joined the church despite not being religious to make friends and found other pals I could do childcare swaps with. That was the only way to get through. Hope you find a friend where you can support each other.

While I agree it must be really hard, the government can’t fork out money for everything. School and nhs desperately need reforming.

Op look after yourself, try and make time for you.

Yep, completely know how you feel.
Parenting is hard. It's relentless. Even just a day with my 3 year old DD is hard work.

Of course I love her to pieces, but I also love my own spaces and my own hobbies as it keeps me sane and I get a bit of myself back.

It's unreasonable to suggest mums should just suck it up and parent 24/7. There's nothing wrong with wanting a bit of time and space to yourself and anyone who does, should seek to get it without feeling guilty.

My DD benefits from sleepovers at GPs and extra days at nursery. It's a change of scenery for her.