Jealous of other single parents

[MaxwellCat]

I know I’m unreasonable and will be told that loads of mums don’t get any days off but from what I’ve seen it certainly seems to be unusual, I feel envious of other single parents who get weekends off and whose exes have the kids half the holidays / take kids away on holiday 😢 I know it’s terrible to envy other single parents, I know it won’t be forever but it’s a bloody long time! How can I stop feeling this way? Even one night a month would be something

If only there was a way to hide posts by certain posters.

It baffles me why you had four to be honest. I know I’ll get absolutely blasted for that, but it is a question that inevitably rises in my mind every time you post. And I do get it is not helpful as you can’t put two back but realistically even with a supportive partner and family four kids was always going to be relentless. It might be best just to accept that.

I am so surprised there are two people in this thread who still hold these views about single parents as if it’s our fault.

I came on to say I’m a single parent with jealousy and it turns out I’m jealous of you! Haha. I suppose we all want what we haven’t got. When my husband left, he very much left me and not the kids. So whilst I have them more than he does, he has them some of the week, every other weekend and some of the holidays. I actually hate it because I want the kids to have the one settled home they had, not shuttling between two houses as they are now, I want to see them every day as I did before and I want that continuity.

I can see that if I had what I wanted I would be run ragged, so maybe it would help you to see that on the greener side of the fence from your perspective it actually feels bereft, grief-stricken and complicated (can’t think of another word for the to-ing and fro-ing).

Losing my husband was nothing compared to losing my children for a good portion of their young lives.

I suppose you’d give anything to miss your children and I’d give anything to be knackered and run ragged with them.

I was widowed with a baby and a toddler, and a high stress job as a hospital doctor. After a long day in the operating theatre, trying to keep critically ill geriatrics with multiple comorbidities alive during trauma or cancer surgery, I then had to commute home and start a second shift of cooking, cleaning, child care, diy and gardening.
There was no internet in those days, or home delivery from supermarkets- every item of food or clothing involved a 20 mile round trip to the nearest shops to buy it in person.
I did this for the whole 18 years of my DC’s childhood - and in that time had just one weekend away from them. Should also mention that DD1 is autistic, suffers severe depression and made two serious suicide attempts as a teenager.
The smug PPs making judgmental comments can try walking in my shoes. Or alternatively just fucking fuck off to the far side of fuck. And take your ignorance and self satisfaction with you.
OP, I hear you, and yes it is beyond tough - all single mums deserve a bloody medal. All I can say is hang in there, you will come out the other side with a huge sense of achievement and the knowledge that you’re a superwoman who can handle bloody anything. And you will eventually get your life back. I am now thoroughly enjoying my retirement and my two adult DDs are a delight, as are their partners.

I was in a relationship I know it would be hard work but I had a partner and supportive family, things change!

Yes I often see it the other way but in my mind I didn’t have children to parent them alone so even if we split up I expected him to stay involved and have them sometimes

I know, and I’m not unsympathetic to the gist of the post, which is that parenting without a break is really hard going.

But I think it might be helpful if you consider it not in terms of a series of unfortunate events but more some active choices that were made. Otherwise, I think you’ll end up going round in endless circles.

Even in a committed relationship with a really hands on dad, four kids wouldn’t leave much room for a break. They just don’t. They are also enormously costly and very, very tiring. When you add to that caring for them alone of course it’s a hell of a lot, but they are here now and I know you love them.

There aren’t any easy answers here but I think recognising that even in a relationship life would be be of a grind is not a bad start.

Maybe my ex should be the one being questioned why he had 4 if he didn’t want to parent them at all rather than the one here all day every day. I had a lot of support from family but something happened in the family which I will not be going into which has caused a huge rift so even if my ex wasn’t around I no longer have the family support. And no I refuse to blame myself for my exes actions.

I mean - let me put it another way.

I had a baby and it’s fair to say I have a very mixed sort of outlook with motherhood. I don’t regret it because I do love my child and I do want a family. But I find the daily grind with a toddler both depressed and exhausts me. I’m a bit ashamed to admit this but I dread days with him, the bank holidays in May meant I had five solid days with him which I really wish I could say I enjoyed but I ah, didn’t

He is lovely, it is 100% me! But I did choose to have him and I do just need to make the best of it and realistically for me that’s accepting that the here and now is tough but that’s what I chose for the long view.

I think if you chose to have a big family there were reasons for that and maybe going back to those would help?

Really? I have a lot of 'childfree time' and it absolutely saves my sanity. I can't imagine having my children 24/7 with no help. I know how lucky I am and how hard it must be.

Fuck off. You are seriously one of the biggest cunts I've read a post from on here and I say that as a parent of three grown up DC, a happy thirty year marriage and no half or step DC, pretty much the ideal you suggest. It must be lovely up there in that ivory tower.

Oh trust me, if your ex was posting I wouldn’t be anything like as polite!

I am definitely not blaming you for your exs actions. What I am saying is that parenting is tough and exhausting and I wholeheartedly agree on that - but this would be the case with four children even with a lot of support. Looking to other single parents who do get a break probably won’t be helpful and will just make you feel bad. I think sometimes it’s just better to say that it’s hard - and it is, I’m not joking, I regularly count down the minutes of the afternoons - but we sort of knew it would be hard and chose hard.

I found my children much much easier when they were little and yes I did enjoy parenting wanting a break from them doesn’t mean I don’t want to be a parent but life was a lot more easier when they were little so people that tell me it gets easier as they get older I often laugh to myself because I’ve found it much more challenging, when they were little I didn’t want to be away from them. I didn’t find the baby and toddler years challenging like most do, for me they were far far easier times.

And I would be resentful about no time off no matter how many I had my sister has one and can’t cope without a break from him.

Well yes, me too! But arranging that break is trickier and more expensive the more children you have.

As I’ve said it goes without saying that you cannot put any back. I’m not asking you to justify a choice you made; I’m suggesting that you do see it as a choice and to think about the best way forwards.

It can be relentless, I have been there.

On the other hand, I have also seen friends disagree with their partners/spouses over parenting styles, and been relieved I haven't had to spend energy on that, or on a relationship where a partner doesn't pull their weight.

It does get easier, if that helps at all, s they get older and more independent.

I can only imagine you posted this to provoke people. I did not choose to be a single parent. Many of us don’t. I am a single mum because my husband left me. He made a choice I had zero control over. I am raising teenagers on my own while working full time. It is harder than I am sure you could ever imagine in your ivory tower. Your posts suggests I should have stayed with an unfaithful, unsupportive man in an environment that was damaging to me and my children. Unless I had held him hostage I could not have prevented him leaving me. I am lucky I was only a victim of emotional and financial abuse - not physical. What would you suggest a domestic violence victim should do? Someone who has a partner abusing their children? God help you if you ever find yourself abandoned by a partner who you thought would be there to support you for life. The original poster on this thread has my sympathy and support. It gets easier as the kids get older. Be kind to yourself and just keep on keeping on. Every day you get through where your kids are happy and healthy is another little victory.

Absolutely understand.

I'm a single mother to young twins.
Just for the judgmental out there....we were in a relationship for 5 years before choosing to try for a baby. He then left me while I was pregnant with his twins. Lovely bloke.
I've had to do this on my own for over 3 years now, with no help whatsoever. I haven't had a single day off for 3 years...I am absolutely burnt out but there's nothing I can do either.
So you're not alone, it really is an exhausting job anyway, without having to parent alone without a 'village' to help occasionally.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and personally I'm sure it's the case for DC's too. We are never apart except from school hours and extra curricular activities. I never get chance to miss them, it's always the daily grind.

I think there needs to be some form of government provided respite for single parents who don’t have a second parent in the picture or other family support to ease the burden
There can’t be ‘government provided respite’ for every situation realistically. And honestly, an adult having some child-free time is not a priority.

I’m not saying it isn’t bloody hard though. Just that the answer is not ‘money from the government’

I get it. I have been both.

Exh was involved. Then wasn’t.

TBH, overall it’s was easier without exh. The nights off weren’t worth it. Exh would constantly, not return uniform, not return new shoes or trainers, not pay to replace any of them, not pay CMS (self employed), drop them at school late or not at all so there was attendance concerns, had a string of fiancés that he moved in and so on.

I do get being envious of people who have really great coparenting relationships with exs, I get being envious of people getting a break. But when I got a break, the chaos it caused just caused overall issues.

Yes I’ve had people insist it’s easier for me without any involvement I’m not convinced…

My children have additional needs so technically I would be entitled to respite but I won’t be sending them off with strangers, this isn’t about the government looking after my children I would not use this service for this reason, this is about exes who walk away with no responsibility I want the father to have them sometimes like pretty much every other father. I don’t expect anyone else to have them but don’t think it’s wrong to expect the father to take some responsibility. I hear people complaining because their exes want to take their child on holiday and I can’t quite believe anyone would be upset about stuff like this.

You're absolutely not unreasonable! I am not even a single parent and I confirm your feeling is legitimate!
What are the main obstacles between you and childcare?