If your DC are adults or older teens...

[StillDre]

What was the most stressful age?
What age do you think they start pushing boundaries more, answering back, do the Kevin and Perry attitude or start to care a bit less about breaking rules?

I sometimes see families like this on holiday and always admire it. It looks like it's so easy to not have this relationship, like so many small things that can happen naturally can make it difficult.

Slowly starting to realise this now. And I must say it relieves a lot of worries. All you can do is your best, and it's going to come with difficulties as everything does in life and that doesn't mean failure or that you've done anything wrong, it's just life, plus their own personality is something you cannot control and will play a big role.

Dc1 was a baby who never seemed to sleep and was then a nightmare toddler. But now he's an angelic teenager. Dc2 was the perfect baby/toddler but a nightmare teenager. Dc3 is really hard going at the moment, he's 12.

Mine are 20 and 22 and honestly I'm finding this stage really tough. Now they have real problems that I can't fix.

Mine range from just about to turn 18 to 25. The worst years were babyhood/toddlerhood. They were all pretty high maintenance babies and were non sleepers so I probably had the best part of a decade when I didn't sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. I was working full time for most of the time too so I was exhausted continually until the youngest was about 3. But after that, no problems to speak of really.
DD drank too much at a friend's birthday party once when she was 16 and the boys have a few mildly annoying habits including leaving stuff on top of the dishwasher even when its empty and leaving dirty clothes on their bedroom floors but that's about it. But I am pretty messy myself so it's probably genetic, and I can't really moan too much as I am nearly as bad! Oh and DS1 went through a phase of moaning about piano practice when he was about 15 and DS2 plays his guitar too loudly sometimes. But honestly that is as bad as it's got. They are all great company and they are close to each other and us. The occasional squabble through the early teenage years but nothing that hasn't blown over by next morning.
Not every teenager is a nightmare. Most of their friends seem quite easy going too. Don't assume the worst!

Absolutely depends on the child, but I've got two sons, two daughters, and I would say from about 15-23 is pretty hard work for so many different reasons. Outside influences - from brand awareness and "trends" (expensive and irritating), drugs and alcohol, friendship fall outs, not phoning home, saying where you are, food fads, social media, some enabling "woke" trends (MH etc.) to Internal stuff, not being motivated, not being organised, weird sleep patterns, addictions (including to phone), being entitled, being inconsistent (today, conquer the world, tomorrow, can't get out of bed), blaming others. Being completely irresponsible with money, then not having any money. Always preferring take out food. Constantly expecting parents to be at their beck and call. Done Well: holidays (even cheapy camping nights, nothing flash) where we are all together and make our own entertainment and chat. Boundaries: Enforced reasonably well even when parents are not present caused by older children not wanting younger children to "get away" with something they were not allowed to do. Being able to chat to parents about anything - that dialogue has been kept open. Having grandparents and others that "you can't let down". Done Badly: Sorting too much for them. Them having too comfortable a life.

I'm just watching that film parenthood right now, and I think everyone who is a parent should watch it. It's fictional of course but a really good overall of what being a parent entails, and makes you realise that nobody really has it all together, plus it's just a really good film.

But to get back to your question, I reckon 2-11 was the age I found the hardest.
The constant care required is exhausting and then throw in all the constant sibling bickering and navigating nursery and school stuff, then the school politics! 🤦‍♀️

The teenage years are actually for the most part good. I could/can see the people who they were/are becoming and feel really proud of them. My teenagers and adult child are the people I enjoy most of my time with by choice. I don't want or need a break from them because they are just great people! Admittedly we have our clashes because they of course know everything and I nothing! 😂

The things I think I got right is listening to them and asking questions, engaging them in a conversation, not just talking at them. When you can listen to their opinions and agree or challenge them I think they feel heard either way.

A really important one is teaching them good manners and having respect for everyone they meet. It seems to be a rarity these days and I have had so many compliments over the years from teachers, shop keepers, waiters about my kid's behaviour and manners. It's really sad that something that used to the norm is now the exception.

And let your kids know that you are a human being, that you make mistakes just like everyone else, and apologise to them if you think you made a mistake. It makes it easier for them to turn to me now if they have an issue because they know I'll be honest with them, that I don't have all the answers but I'll try to help them figure things out.

Talking about everything. We have our nights now where we all go to our corners to recharge but some nights we all end up in the kitchen gabbing away and debating everything and anything.

When my kids were little I remember two things that I heard, one from Maya Angelou who said that your kids should see your face light up when you see them (I'm paraphrasing) and the other was Dr Phil who said that your not raising kids to be kids your raising them to be adults.
Big Oprah Winfrey show fan here.
Those comments made a big impression on me.
The other more crude thing I heard was that your raising your kids to be non-arseholes! Let that sink in!

What do I wish I'd done differently, honestly nothing. They are who they are now because of everything I did right and wrong and I wouldn't change them for the world. I've done my best by them and I think, think I've raised a really good bunch of non-arseholes!

12-17 were by far the worst years - there have been times I didn’t think I’d survive. She’s about to turn 18 and while we’re not out of the woods yet, things are very much improved.

One thing I forgot to say is that something I think I am a lot better at than DH is at not interfering too much in our adult children's lives and I think that relates to how we were parented ourselves. His family are, in my opinion, overly involved in each others lives whereas whilst I know I could call on mine at any time I needed, we are a lot more independent.
Obviously I still have concerns about my adult children but I trust them to sort themselves out and accept that they are going to make choices that are different to mine. DH has a tendency to try to micromanage them still. For example DD runs her own business and is, like many people at present, going through a bit of a tough time. She sometimes rings up for a shoulder to cry on and what she wants is some moral support and someone to bounce ideas off, not someone to put an action plan together for her try to manage her finances for her. As a result she will talk to me about stuff that she doesn't want to discuss with DH. I think I am better at recognising that she is an adult, and whilst on occasion I do still have the urge to want to try to fix her problems for her I recognise that a) I can't and b) it wouldn't be appropriate even if I could. Obviously I would try to help if I thought they were making some kind of really disastrous or dangerous mistake, but generally I try not to interfere. We do all learn better from our own mistakes, plus of course sometimes they actually do know best! I think knowing when to mind your own business and when to try to intervene is probably the trickiest thing about parenting young adults.

I'm so glad I started this thread. I'm really loving reading all of these.
Some parts do of course sound really difficult, but it sounds so lovely too. Much less scary than I have been thinking it is.
Appreciating and filing all of the "did this well, that not so well" away in my mind for future reference too.

@sjpkgp1 yes, outside influences and whatever will be the next trend! Remember when people were doing happy slapping with early camera phones?! And then now the dangerous things you hear them doing and filming. And that's just the trends, not everything else you mention 😩

@pheonixrebirth definitely going to watch. I did actually always mean to, but never actually got around to it. I really like those quotes. Baby and child years are lovely, but I also can't wait for the things you mention like just being able to hang out and talk, debate, and just get along.

@MrsAvocet you sound quite laid back as a person, are you? If so, do you think that helped you to deal with things and maybe that there were difficult things but you didn't notice the stress as much because you're balanced and laid back?

I'd say mid teens. Not because they were particularly difficult teens, in fact both have been quite sensible and I've not really had much bother with either, but more in terms of how I juggled things, especially work (I'm a teacher).

When they were little, at least they went to bed at 7pm. So I could focus on them during the day, knowing I could do all my work in the evening once they had gone to bed. As they got older, I traded the slightly later evenings for play dates and soft play, playing out after school or doing after school activities, that I could use to entertain them whilst I worked. But the biggest crunch came as teenagers, when they stayed up later than me, wanted help with their homework at 10pm, or taking to and picking up from their various activities at all times of the day (rural living, no bus). So I'd say 15 - 18 in terms of never having that time off, being on call to listen or help 24/7, and trying to juggle being there for my kids to help with revision, alongside my own work has been the most stressful.

@StillDre I'm not sure I'd describe myself as "laid back" but I have had some fairly big traumas in my life at various points and I think that has left me with something of a "don't sweat the small stuff" attitude. I suppose it could have gone the other way and made me super anxious but fortunately not. I think my children would probably tell you that I'm quite strict, and in some ways I am, but not over things I think are trivial, like messy bedrooms! I tend to have a fairly pragmatic view of life. I think we have raised 3 basically decent, hard working intelligent human beings and we have to trust them to get on with things now. They will get some stuff wrong, like we did. They will do some things that we will disapprove of at times, as no doubt our parents sometimes disapproved of us, but I think they are well grounded resillient people, and whilst I will always be here and do whatever I can if they ask, they don't need me hovering around all the time any more. And if they don't get everything right first time it really isn't the end of the world. They'll figure stuff out. That's how my parents were and I appreciated it, whereas DH's still talk to him like he is a little boy and he is nearly 60!

Year 10. DD wasn't a horrible teenager but she was the victim of some really nasty bullying from a girl who used to be her best friend. This resulted in anxiety depression, self harm and borderline anorexia.

DD 14 - 20. We had some really tough times.

I'm finding ds1 a bit hard at 15. He's generally a good kid but he's starting to want to go out more, is telling me less and I'm finding it hard to let go. He's got some SEN, you wouldn't know if you met him but it does affect decision making, executive function, relationships and understanding boundaries. For the most part I trust him but some of his friends are honestly complete idiots with oblivious parents and I worry about what they will get up to together. I try to tell myself all teenagers make mistakes and thank god he's not doing what I was doing at 15!

I've got two they are 8 and 15.

Ime the baby/toddler stage is tough because of the sleepless nights, nappies, toddler tantrums. First born was a relatively easy baby and toddler. Second was bloody hard work and exhausting.

Primary school years are an absolute breeze.

Teenage years are possibly the toughest and most testing. Difficult to explain because you don't have to really do as much, but it's the worry. You can't magically make things better for them if they're having a hard time. They can be extremely rude, teenage attitude. They think they know everything and that you know nothing.

My almost 16 year old was challenging in year 7 in that he was a bit emotional and angry with life but not pushing boundaries at all.

He is challenging now in a pushing boundaries way but is a happy pleasant person to know. At this point of time his view of assessing and mitigating risks is different than mine and its hard to know where to put a boundary in and where to accept he is older now. I think this might get more challenging over the next few years too.

Boys - one of them from 14 to about 18 was a nightmare. Still a bit selfish but mostly has come through it.
The other one is 17 and I've never really had any bother from him. He has started getting a wee bit stubborn lately but nothing too bad.

In terms of what I would have done differently. I wish I had made them a bit more resilient and independent and taught them to stick with things and see things through. They give up on things far too quickly if there's any kind of hard work involved. Including exams.

Generally though they are both lovely kind young men.

Eldest 11-18
Youngest 15-19

Both girls

I found teen to be the hardest of all stages

That prtty much sums up what DD was like.
The bullying has had long term effects, and at 22 DD is still on anti anxiety meds

@ohjustaoerfectday yes completely agree with you, primary school years are just lovely 😌 we’ve got grown up and younger children and determined to make the most of the next few summers before the next DC hits her teens 🤣 The teen stage really so hard, like toddler years in many ways but so so much harder as they can just walk out the house and not come home till 3am if they feel like it or not turn up at school and you can’t just distract them or get them smiling again with bubbles or Peppa pig. However mine were lovely once grown up and have great times together now. Advice for teen years is lots of love, patience and never lose hope!! Just imagine them like your lovely best friend when they’re wild blind drunk and you just need to take care of them (however annoying that is at the time) till they sober up in the morning (grown up)!

@MrsAvocet yes I agree totally once they’re 18, and to be honest there have been times when I’ve thought not best decision but actually was for them. Think they still appreciate advice but yes have to let them make their own mistakes and successes and just be there to support them along the way

It's a fine line I think @Parkandpicnic
I would step in over anything I thought was an actual safety issue but, particularly once they are no longer living in my home I don't get too involved in their day to day lives.

Mine are late 20s. First guy was very difficult 14 to 17. Extremely stressful. I think watching him taught lessons to the other two. They were no bother even as teens. I didn't mind the early stages at all but would never want to repeat those teen years with my ds. It was hell!!

Yes I agree @MrsAvocet definitely if serious safety or moral issue then would take a stronger stand but if just think their making a bad purchase etc then I try not to go on and on about it