How can you not become so emotionally invested in men?

[Single018]

I went on a great first date a couple of weeks ago. I have seen him again three times - but it’s been him coming over to mine. It hasn’t been established as “casual”.. but it seemed to be going that way…

I feel like he’s pulling away / ghosting me now and it’s making me a bit upset and anxious despite it not being a long time at all. We’ve slept together a lot though in a relatively short space of time and I easily become emotionally attached.

I don’t think it would be a good idea anyway for us to continue having something casual but I just feel a bit 💩 now and wondered if anyone has any advice 😔

Anyone?

If you become easily attached and hurt then it may be that you need to hold off having sex so soon. I have no issues with people having sex whenever they want, but it’s likely that sex makes you more emotionally invested from what you describe, so try taking things more slowly. Any decent man will understand if you explain this to him.

I dont sleep with anyone for ages. They have to chase me. They don't get anything for free. I'm looking for something special and you don't get that without respecting yourself and refusing to accept 2nd best. They would absolutely have to go out of their way to get me interested.
I've been known to walk out of dates and go home if they are awful. I never sleep with them. If you do that they lose interest in you almost immediately.
It's the way they work unfortunately.
You need to work on your self esteem. If you see yourself as worthwhile and a great catch so will others.

Thank you. It’s because I have no self value and I am replying on these men to give it to me through attention

I now don’t have sex with someone until I feel I know them better

I don’t have the sex drive I did and also more secure in myself if they want to wait fine if not then that’s their choice

it doesn’t mean that they will become more involved but I know I have waited until I feel ready for the right reasons

It’s just the rejection too that sucks. I am panicking that he is gonna ghost me

Work on valuing yourself. Go to counselling, do some self reflection, read up around this area. The difference between you and the women like me that you refer to are that I know my worth, if I am ghosted I don’t take it personally and I quickly move on, I don’t invest feelings too quickly and I know that regardless of what happens I have my own back and I will be okay alone. Men are not everything.

Let the fucker ghost you. Let him go. Trash took itself out.

He’s nothing real to you yet, he’s just a male person who is making you feel rejected - he has no real power or influence over your life or feelings.

Onwards! And take the PP’s advice - wait and see what they’re like first before getting intimate, to protect yourself going forwards.

I think it’s about investing the majority of your emotional energy into a satisfying career and personal interests, and good relationships with family and friends, so that a romantic attachment becomes an enriching addition to an already rich life rather than the prime focus.

And view all romances in films, books & TV with a massive dose of scepticism.

Thank you @AtrociousCircumstance. I absolutely hate how much I let these men dictate how I feel about myself. It’s not okay. I am just obsessley checking my phone all of the time.

Really you need to work on making your life full and complete first, before inviting a man in. If they feel you need them, they withdraw. I've been with my man for three years, but still not living together. He's my happy little afterthought, not necessary but welcome (on my terms).

That feeling is precisely zero to do with them. And it will pass.

Plan something lovely to do for yourself or with a friend. Buy yourself a gift. Make yourself your favourite dinner. Watch an amazing movie. Celebrate yourself. This current bloke is but a tiny forgettable blip in your story.

Try reading this book:-

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Attached-Identify-attachment-style-perfect-ebook/dp/B0050CJNJC/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=e370a698-c05b-4b88-a937-13aa4b9073dd

it sounds like you have an anxious attachment style. This means that you would be best suited finding someone with a secure attachment style.

They would then make you feel secure and you wouldn’t feel the need to obsessively check your phone.

Sorry for the strange question, but do you have BPD?

For me? 14 years of being single and doing everything in my life without a man, including raising a child. There's absolutely nothing that I need a man for. So if I ever get into a relationship again, it's because I want it, not need it.

And if he only wants to come over to yours, he only wants sex! If you want a relationship, go for someone who wants to take you out on dates while getting to know you.

@ThePuma will have a read, thanks!

@AtrociousCircumstance “it will pass” is really re-assuring to hear. We had such a fun first date where I really thought it could go somewhere, and then since then even though it’s been sex we’ve cuddled, watch a movie etc. I suppose I’ve been vulnerable with him and I just panic I am never going to have another fun night again. It’s so stupid I know. But it’s how my brain works. It needs his re-assurance and I know that if he ghosts me I am just going to feel really sad. Sad I know!!

Is feeling like I do normal for an anxious attachment style?

Until you do some serious work on yourself you will be doomed to chronic failed relationships and/or ending up in an abusive one where you'll feel trapped.

You already know you can't emotionally handle having sex so soon, so stop allowing yourself to be used. If a man is really interested in you as a person, he will be happy to wait a while. You have relegated yourself to a convenient booty call for this latest bloke so you might as well end it now.

Stop dating for a while and do the work needed to improve your self-esteem.

Yes, completely.

I did this and it made me feel awful. The solution for me was actually spending time with other friends and doing things I liked like hiking or painting classes. Not waiting for him to decide when he wanted to see me. I also did tell him how I felt ( longer relationship) and he did make an effort to improve it.

I just think I’ve got the feels. Or at least my brain does 😔 urghhh it’s so silly.

Will someone re-assure that I’ll be okay? I am getting myself in a bit of a state!

You will 100% be ok it will all be ok
I'm similar but I think it's more abandonment issues I choose to ignore

You’re in love with the idea of being loved, and you’re allowing your self esteem to be based around whether someone who barely knows you wants you. You need to learn that you’re worth more than that, and that your life is about what it means to you, not to someone else. You aren’t giving yourself space to decide if the guy is even worth all this angst. Take a step back.