How can you not become so emotionally invested in men?

[Single018]

I went on a great first date a couple of weeks ago. I have seen him again three times - but it’s been him coming over to mine. It hasn’t been established as “casual”.. but it seemed to be going that way…

I feel like he’s pulling away / ghosting me now and it’s making me a bit upset and anxious despite it not being a long time at all. We’ve slept together a lot though in a relatively short space of time and I easily become emotionally attached.

I don’t think it would be a good idea anyway for us to continue having something casual but I just feel a bit 💩 now and wondered if anyone has any advice 😔

In my experience if you feel a ghosting coming on, it usually is. Even if he hangs around for a while for the sex he has emotionally checked out.

Your best option here is to do the dumping. Be clear but not desperate. ‘This has been really fun but I’m looking for a relationship and I get the sense you’re not in the same space. Good luck with everything.’

If he comes back with a message that you’ve misunderstood then try suggesting a few daytime dates with a definite end and no chance of sex- you will soon find out what he’s really interested in.

if he backs off then great, you’ve weeded out someone who is not a keeper and you can move on faster than if he strung you on for a few more weeks because he has no other offers.

He has replied but no mention of any date. I am just going to leave it as this is riddling me with anxiety.

IN the same way that you stop engaging emotionally with strangers trying to make them friends once you realise true friendships do not exist in England.

Eh?

Heal your inner child/work on your attachment style. You’re getting attached quickly because your inner child wants the validation and feeling of being chosen.

I really appreciate everyone’s advice on this thread. It is really helpful and helped me calm down.

Good to hear the advice is helping.

Remember it’s really easy to get caught up and feel like you must be on the same page because you want to be on the same page. The advice to slow things down and really focus on what men are actually telling you (by actions as well as words) will really help you. Remember you are just as entitled as them to set the pace and if they really like you they will be happy to go at your pace.
Focus on really getting to know them rather than trying to skip along to being in a relationship.

And definitely keep a focus on enjoying the rest of your life. Friends,family, hobbies and career are just as important

When i was wading through the dating pool I was very aware of the fact that nobody owed me anything, and I therefore didn't expect anything from these men. If things progressed I would be pleasantly surprised!

I am wondering whether I should reply to him, or just go quiet and see if he reaches out to me again?

It's causing you stress, and TBH it sounds like this guy is just after a shag so isn't going to reciprocate your "feels".

I'd just block and move on.

You see this is why people were recommending you do the ending it - there was a great suggestion from @SimonsCow "‘This has been really fun but I’m looking for a relationship and I get the sense you’re not in the same space. Good luck with everything."

I've sent that message before more or less word for word when feeling anxious about the fact that a seemingly nice series of dates suddenly seemed to have trailed off. That time the guy was nice enough just a coward who didn't have the guts to end things himself and basically replied "Thanks, it was really nice getting to know you". Obviously I didn't feel brilliant about it but having a CLOSING POINT is the key thing. Unless you love feeling this anxiety, just closing the door yourself is the cleanest and best way.

There was one other thing I wanted to say - it sounds like maybe at some level you think all you have to offer these men is sex. You want attention and closeness and fundamentally for whatever reason you think your ideas or personality aren't enough. So you go in all guns blazing offering to have sex with them really early on, and then when it falls apart after a few dates you feel really sad and used. So I think you need to reframe your thinking about YOU. You have lots to offer - your company, your conversation, your ideas, your suggestions for fun places to go, your jokes, your favourite walks, movie suggestions etc etc. NO-ONE is such a good shag that the sex will draw someone to them if the personality match isn't there (in the long term anyway). It's like trying to stick your relationship together with butter. You need to try out the real relationship stuff with them - dates out of the house, sharing your views, listening to them, having fun - to see if that works before having sex with them.

Well there's your issue. The only thing that can help with that is therapy. If you have a healthy sense of self worth you'll know that you have value intrinsically and what men think of you doesn't change that. Most men are pretty shit anyway!

Why don't you take control and end it? Why sit around waiting for some man to tell you which way the wind blows? Stop wasting your time!

Don't play games. You're acting like it's some kind of test. Let's ignore him and see if he still wants me. You're being mean playing games and also giving him all the power. It doesn't matter if he wants you, you don't want him! He's wrong for you, he's not making you happy, he's making you anxious.

You want a relationship, he doesn't. You might also enjoy casual sex but mentally you can't handle it. You're like those people with a mild food intolerance who eat the thing that makes them ill just because they wanted to taste it. Start being kind to yourself by stopping doing behaviour that hurts you.

If you've got scarcity mindset about sex do an experiment. Set up a fake name dating profile with your pic and where it asks what you want from life put "sex". I'll bet you'd be inundated with replies.

It's a relationship with someone compatible that's scarce and you won't find it throwing yourself at men. Sex releases hormones that make you feel attached but you're attached to someone who you don't know! You haven't had time to get to know them because you're too busy having sex. Then you get to know them (or get to realise they're only interested in sex) and you're disappointed and hurt. Save yourself the heartache by getting to know them first without sex getting in the way and muddying the waters.

You say you've got the feels. You literally know almost nothing about him! Except what he's like in bed. Say he married you tomorrow and you both continued to have a high sex drive until the day you die, at it like rabbits and loving every minute of it - what you going to do for the other 23hrs of the day?! You compatible? You going to get along ok? Or you going to annoy the hell out of each other until someone ends up under the patio? You got to get to know each someone, it's an investment in your future happiness.

Op do as @Outdamnspot23 suggested. Then at least you know

Can I suggest you look at female dating strategy website? It’s a set of rules aimed at keeping women safe, finding compatible partners and protecting and promoting women’s self worth. It’s also a very different approach to dating than you are currently using. Have a read and see what resonates.

Got into a very stupid situation and don’t know what to do (leaving my job not an option). A while a go I moved to a new site within same company and attracted the attention of a very senior colleague. He used to follow me around, get his staff to invite me to dinners where he would be present etc etc He also sent me very inappropriate messages. Even pulled me off my chair and kissed me in front of the whole department. As I had recently broken up from an abusive marriage my inclination was to try to avoid confrontation. He relocated to another country and I thought that was it. But recently we were both staying at the same hotel during a business trip. We had dinner in same restaurant but in different groups. When I went back to my room he had messaged me to tell him when everyone else had gone to bed as he wanted to see me. I didn’t reply until the next day . Since then he has turned really nasty and sent me messages that mainly consisted of an angry face emoji. This does not strike me as normal behaviour and certainly not for someone at his level. I am afraid to complain at work (previous attempts did not get anywhere) for fear of retaliation. He is very highly regarded and I feel expendable in comparison. Help!

Oh OP I'm sorry you're going through this :-( but just know.. we have all been there! I spent majority of my 20's in exactly the same situation. From my experience, do the dumping and get rid. Once I met my husband (currently separating so not all roses) he acted so different to all the other men, I never felt insecure or checking texts because I knew he was on the same page. If you have to read into it, I think you know the answer. Our gut instinct is usually right. I agree with other posts, so some soul searching, be truly happy in yourself - build that self esteem and then start dating again, but don't put up with any shit, and wait a bit longer to do the deed- any decent bloke who's genuinely interested won't mind waiting! All the best for you xxx

You need to start your own thread, this is nothing like the OP's situation. Your person is basically some kind of stalker with a fantasy life in his head where you're his...sex slave? He's tried to create a situation where others will see you as some sort of a couple, you ideally needed to have stamped on it there and then as what he did grabbing you and kissing you was assault and the messages were harassment. Coming out of an abusive relationship is a tough time, he took advantage of this. TBH if he's senior, abusive and insane your best bet is going to be to find another job as anything else will likely destroy your already fragile mental health. You need to recover from the abusive relationship not be dealing with another one, which is what this situation is. Although the relationship is platonic work colleagues, not romantic relationship, it's still a relationship and you're still in it and it's still toxic. Watch your back, he sounds totally unhinged and I'd be concerned he'll rape you if he sees an opportunity. He's already assaulted you in public and clearly views you as "his".

@Single018 It's really common to get invested but I'd say if you are feeling this anxious, then your gut is telling you it isn't right. If you want more than sex, then you need to make that clear.

I realised after a while of dating poor choices and getting invested, that I needed to be much pickier. I had picked nice but damaged/unavailable men and placed all my worth on making it work. I had to be perfect all the time as I felt like if I wasn't, then they wouldn't like me. Now as soon as I see a red flag, I'm off. And I also don't put on any pretences or sleep with them. I set my standards higher, are they calling me, or showing their enthusiasm. If not, then they arent interested. Are they trying to put dates in the diary? No? Then not interested!

I suspect it will now be a long while before I'm ever invested in any man. Once you have real boundaries/standards, you'll find the pool is so much smaller!

For anyone still interested in this… we’ve still been messaging. I decided to ask him if he wanted to do something this week. He said yes. I suggested an actual date. Now I’ve been left on read for a few hours which has sent me into a complete state. I just feel like he’s going to turn around and reject me despite saying he can do something.

if him not responding to your text makes you feel this way then stop. Move away.

You really need to delete and block if you're getting in such a state. It's a workday, he might be busy. You don't sound like you're in the place to be perusing a relationship right now.

@Single018 honestly if someone was interested, they would lock it in ie set a date. If they couldn't make it, they would suggest another date. He just doesn't seem too fussed.

I know. I am a bit of a mess. Are there any eye opening books that I could get stuck into tonight that would help me?

I haven’t read all the messages on this thred but from my experience anyone who makes you feel this anxious isn’t the right person for you! I used to feel anxious when dating men previously, until I met my now dh, and he never made me feel unsure of myself. We are now married. Hope this helps xx