How can you not become so emotionally invested in men?

[Single018]

I went on a great first date a couple of weeks ago. I have seen him again three times - but it’s been him coming over to mine. It hasn’t been established as “casual”.. but it seemed to be going that way…

I feel like he’s pulling away / ghosting me now and it’s making me a bit upset and anxious despite it not being a long time at all. We’ve slept together a lot though in a relatively short space of time and I easily become emotionally attached.

I don’t think it would be a good idea anyway for us to continue having something casual but I just feel a bit 💩 now and wondered if anyone has any advice 😔

I feel like you’re lacking self love and self worth. I use to do this, I found my happiness in other people but I worked on myself, I know you probably hear that a lot but it does genuinely work, sending you love

Thank you. I really am. I honestly feel so sad by this. I feel completely used. I know it’s such an over-reaction but I trust people way too easily.

You’ve got a kind nature clearly, you obviously see the good in people as do I. It’s like we’re oblivious to the bad because we see potential but just remember not everyone has that mindset and that heart, it’s always good to not give your all to someone straight away and not to expect the same love you give out. That’s were I went wrong in the past

@kenstaylor thank you. I just can’t believe he said he was up for meeting and now he is just ignoring me. I must have stupid written straight across my forehead.

To me, this sounds like the man knew you were into casual sex quite early on. Nothing wrong with that but some men (and women) prefer to wait before having sex.

You’ve now messaged him re a proper date which he’s probably flattered about and may take you up on but I can guess he’s flattered because you approached him and asked for a proper date. He may want just sex, he may not.

For what it’s worth, I was a bit like you years ago, got confused by men who seemingly wanted one night stands only. And then I changed and didn’t give a F and things got better.

Did you try Attached?

@ThePuma I am downloading it as we speak…. 😔

It is a life-changer if you aren’t already familiar with the concepts.

I hope you get something out of it.

@ThePuma thanks a lot!

god I am just sat here crying on my own, having slowly realised that I am being completely and utterly rejected… and that I have just been used. This dating shite gets easier right 😢

You’ll be fine. You just need to understand what you need to look for in a partner.

You need someone secure. Someone who will reassure you. Someone who will reply promptly to your messages once they’ve read them. Someone who doesn’t play games.

Those things are going to be just as important for you in a partner as their looks and other personality traits.

Thank you @ThePuma

I am wondering if I should just delete his number and put myself out of total misery…

When did you last exchange messages?

Have you told him you need more reassurances from him?

Yes, you should.

He's not her boyfriend, that'll just scare him off. At the moment he's a casual shag.

OP in future when you meet someone, go have fun doing stuff you want to do, that way it's not wasted time if it doesn't work out. Find out their personality a bit, decide if you think you like them as a person, then think about if you want to have sex with them.

Give this one 24hrs from texting him to get back to you to at least tell you he's finding out his work schedule or whatever. If you don't get a reply in that timeframe bin him off. If he wants a date he'll get back to you fairly quickly not leave you hanging in uncertainty. Or just chalk this one up to experience, delete and block to end your misery and admit you messed up with this one.

I read The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck and it made me leave my ex because I realized he didn't love me. If you're looking for love maybe it'll help you raise your standards?

Please book some counselling. And speak to your Gp. You need help with your chronic anxiety and low self esteem.

When a woman has sex oxytocin is released, which makes them bond with their partner. Some women are more sensitive to oxytocin, or produce more of it than others so get more attached and more hurt.
If you are one of those women, you aren't going to be able to keep things casual so you will need to wait until you are sure something is serious before you have sex.

That's the only way.

It’s just so hurtful because we have actually spent a fair amount of time together in a short space which has been very intimate. I haven’t really talked about the details on here as I don’t want to but, in my opinion I’ve seen him / slept with him enough to at least be owed a “sorry I am just looking for casual” text or something.

I know this is a blessing in disguise because if it carried on, it would be even worse. But, it just hurts now and I feel incredibly naive and weak.

Stop dating and work on your self esteem and boundaries. If you don't value yourself, why would you expect anyone else too? Let alone a man?

It’s valid to feel hurt.

step 1: name your feelings. (“Name it to tame it”)
step 2: validate your feelings. Just the feelings themselves, without any story around it, of course you feel sad etc, it’s completely valid.

step 3: notice if you’re having spiraling thoughts/ writing “stories”, creating meaning or wondering what he’s thinking etc. this is not effective or helpful for you, so just don’t let yourself begin spinning stories- stop them when they start.

step 4: feel your feelings. Have a cry then get into your body- exercise, have a bubble bath, put on music and dance. Get out of your head and into your body.

look up energetic cord cutting and do that - it’s mainly to pull your own energy back and stop reaching for the phone, hanging on his every move. No matter who he is, he doesn’t deserve that level of disconnect from being present in your own life. He doesn’t deserve to pull all your energy and focus.

repeat as needed. Just get back into your center and get back to focusing on YOU.

over time, if you’re committed and practice this, it will become a habit, and people won’t be able to pull you completely away from yourself this easily.

I used to get like this over online dating and it led to me having therapy. For me, this stems from childhood issues - feeling rejected by my family (I was completely emotionally neglected by my mum, looked down upon by my whole family).

You will get through this. I had an awful time about 18 months ago with a guy and just couldn't get him out of my head, but I got through it in the end.

The problem is they don't actually owe us anything. And unfortunately a relationship very very rarely comes from sleeping with someone early on. Especially later in life. The vast majority of guys on dating apps after a long relationship has ended are only looking for casual, despite anything they might say.

This video helped me at the time, even though it wasn't even really a relationship

Michael Douglas was apparently this sort of guy. He claims to have slept with thousands of women.

He asked to meet Catherine Zeta Jones after seeing her in a film. He tried to sleep with her. She said no. She told him he could date her. She made him wait eight months before they had sex. He married her.

Thank you all for your advice.