Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How can you not become so emotionally invested in men?

105 replies

Single018 · 29/05/2023 19:49

I went on a great first date a couple of weeks ago. I have seen him again three times - but it’s been him coming over to mine. It hasn’t been established as “casual”.. but it seemed to be going that way…

I feel like he’s pulling away / ghosting me now and it’s making me a bit upset and anxious despite it not being a long time at all. We’ve slept together a lot though in a relatively short space of time and I easily become emotionally attached.

I don’t think it would be a good idea anyway for us to continue having something casual but I just feel a bit 💩 now and wondered if anyone has any advice 😔

OP posts:
WunWun · 29/05/2023 22:36

I think online dating is the issue with this for me. It's so unnatural, you get chatting with them and it give you a false sense of getting to know each other. It's somehow easier to get carried away than with meeting someone in real life. And then add to that the fact that swiping is addictive and people are always looking for that perfect swipe and comparing etc etc, wondering if the next one will be better looking. And the anxiety of worrying if the other person is still swiping or speaking to other people. Everything is magnified.

I miss the old days of getting to know someone as friends or acquaintances first before even thinking about being more than friends

IDontWantToBeAPie · 29/05/2023 23:05

You don't sleep with them too soon if sex leads you to feeling attached to them.

If you can do so and let go if it doesn't work out - in a short time of dating - then great. But if you can't do that then you stay distant for a while by not having sex until it becomes more viable.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 29/05/2023 23:06

Single018 · 29/05/2023 20:12

Thank you. It’s because I have no self value and I am replying on these men to give it to me through attention

Seek therapy and work on your self esteem as a person.

You can get positive attention through dates, compliments, gifts, conversation and admiration.

It doesn't have to be sex.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
IDontWantToBeAPie · 29/05/2023 23:07

Single018 · 29/05/2023 22:13

Will someone re-assure that I’ll be okay? I am getting myself in a bit of a state!

You'll be fine. You were fine before him and you'll be fine after him if it fizzles out.

He is not the sun to your life. You are. You don't need him.

LodiDodi · 29/05/2023 23:49

To be honest whether or not you have sex early on, if you aren't compatible, you aren't compatible. No amount of withholding/ being chased etc will change that. If you enjoy the sex then enjoy it but I think women in particular need to worry less about their own flaws /being rejected and focus more on whether or not the man is actually suitable because a lot of men are deeply flawed yet we let ourselves be blind to it. Be honest with yourself, is he really a catch, or do you jusy want his approval for the sake of it? Because the approval of a wasteman doesn't mean much.

barmycatmum · 29/05/2023 23:58

If you’re looking for your self worth in whether a man chooses you or not, this is going to happen. (Plus: you’re also negotiating your worth with someone who absolutely doesn’t deserve a vote. Not even a vote. Your self worth is YOURS, not up for negotiation.)

this Kind of thing is what led me to jumping through hoops for a jerk, absolutely twisting myself in knots to please him. Spoiler alert: he was never pleased. He just made up more things I needed to change.

after years of therapy, this is no longer an option for me to even consider. I cannot and will not give a f*ck if some dude doesn’t choose me. Because I CHOOSE ME, and so somehow, it truly doesn’t affect me anymore… and they know it. Somehow the abusive men can sense that my self worth is now too high for them to mess up my head - and I’m simply attracting better men.
(I can’t be arsed to date them, but the option is there, and they’ve let me know that. I’m having a wonderful time getting to know these good men.)

take care of YOU. First and foremost. Build yourself up. Heal. Therapy, if you can. If not, simply get to know yourself and choose yourself first. There are TED talks (Kristin Neff on self compassion is one that springs to mind) books, YouTube videos, all kinds of resources to begin your healing.

get interested in yourself and your quality of life. Make a goal to fall in love with your life, not with some damn man.

just take a break from them.

if he’s pulling away, LET HIM. he is showing you he’s not a quality man.

It doesn’t feel good at first, and it’s not an overnight change, but by being strong and focusing on yourself, forcing yourself to stop looking for a sign from him, eventually it will stop mattering. It’s just being strong at first, like you’re giving up a bad habit.

💐

Peanutbutteryday · 29/05/2023 23:59

Just so you know, you’re not the only person who feels like this at some point or another xx

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 30/05/2023 00:21

You've had lots of good advice already. The only thing I'd add is not to invite any man into your home until you're really sure about where the relationship is going.

Go out on dates. Do stuff together. Don't just fall into a movie on your sofa within the first few dates. Make the effort. Get him to make the effort.

bobblyjob · 30/05/2023 00:48

This was me. Stop dating until you have had therapy and don’t need these people in your life to make you feel worthwhile

NurseEssie · 30/05/2023 00:50

'They have to chase me. They don't get anything for free.'

So you: 1. Play immature games, and 2. Treat your body as a form of trade?

@Gettingbysomehow

HeddaGarbled · 30/05/2023 01:01

I just think I’ve got the feels

Ah, OK, Love Island. Please don’t model your love life on Love Island. It’s a weird fake set up which bears no resemblance to real life or real relationships.

PatchworkDonkey · 30/05/2023 01:27

Single018 · 29/05/2023 20:12

Thank you. It’s because I have no self value and I am replying on these men to give it to me through attention

It would be less painful to repeatedly bang your head on a wall 5x a day. And about as effective.

Why do you think men having sex with you gives you value? Most straight single men would have sex with just about any woman if it was on offer, at least once. It doesn't mean they value you, it means they like having sex.

If you like having sex too, for its own sake and you're fine with it being a one off, there's no problem. If you want something long lasting and will feel hurt and used if it's short term and casual, then you need to establish they like and respect you (ie value you) before having sex with them. Self esteem comes from within not from external sources, especially other people.

sorrysusan · 30/05/2023 01:35

If you can't do casual (I would say lots/most women can't in the same way a men can - myself included) then DON'T DO CASUAL.

Men will shag animals, vacuum cleaners, trafficked women etc etc. please don't place your self-worth on whether you are shaggable or not.

Don't invite strangers/guys off tinder back to your place 'to watch a movie' when you don't know them. It's potentially dangerous and they will assume you want sex (which is fine if you want casual sex obvs)
If they are looking for a relationship and see you as potential relationship material they will be interested in dating you and vice versa.

Ilovetea42 · 30/05/2023 01:37

I held off on having sex until I knew they wanted a relationship because that was what I knew I wanted. I think dating takes a lot of resilience so you need to date yourself first and foremost. Good self care, spend time each week reminding yourself why you're a catch and why it's nice to be single and that you can do things solo and have fun. Id date with the attitude that it's fun to meet new people and take breaks when you feel you need to. I'd you like someone I'd be direct about what you're looking for and then you need to let it be what it will be. Which is where the focusing on yourself is important. If you like someone naturally you'll worry if they seem a bit distant etc but then I'd be direct about it and if I hadn't heard much for a day or two I'd be inclined to message and ask if they're still interested and if they want to arrange another date. That way you know where you stand and you're setting the boundary that you expect open communication.

Zoomie1 · 30/05/2023 01:53

If you have an anxious attachment style - you probably need some therapy - in depth I would say. Simply saying 'I'm going to take up painting today' ' in an effort to feel good about yourself won't work, it will feel false and like you are pretending to be someone other than who you are which sounds at the moment to be a needy and fearful person.

You need some help to understand what is making you feel this way around men. Then when you take something up to enrich your life it will feel genuine and you can build on this until you are in a better place and then gain some self-worth and learn not to disregard yourself for men who will sense the neediness and run. Take it from one who knows all about anxious attachment. It ruined my life for so many years.

AnythingToSay · 30/05/2023 03:50

Study radical feminism.

Towntocountry · 30/05/2023 04:25

Dear OP, I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. You are not alone - many of us have gone through similar.

I don’t want to make assumptions but it sounds like you long to connect with someone. In my experience, the healthiest and most fulfilling relationships (romantic, with family, with friends, with colleagues) happen when we feel whole in ourselves. Perhaps you are looking for happiness in other people which is encouraging you to move faster than you can manage right now.

I agree with a previous poster that taking a step back from dating would be healthy. Perhaps invest the time you would have spent dating in getting to know yourself and exploring your own interests.

Take yourself on a date and make yourself feel special. Is there a film you want to see or a restaurant you want to try? If so, do it!

If you enjoy reading, I recommend ‘Live alone and like it’ by Marjorie Hillis. Although it was written in the 1930s, the principles ring true today. It helped me to view my periods of being single in a positive light. As a result of actually enjoying singledom, I was able to establish fulfilling relationships as I wasn’t scared of being alone.

You can do it OP!

Pinkjacket22 · 30/05/2023 06:40

Ilovetea42 · 30/05/2023 01:37

I held off on having sex until I knew they wanted a relationship because that was what I knew I wanted. I think dating takes a lot of resilience so you need to date yourself first and foremost. Good self care, spend time each week reminding yourself why you're a catch and why it's nice to be single and that you can do things solo and have fun. Id date with the attitude that it's fun to meet new people and take breaks when you feel you need to. I'd you like someone I'd be direct about what you're looking for and then you need to let it be what it will be. Which is where the focusing on yourself is important. If you like someone naturally you'll worry if they seem a bit distant etc but then I'd be direct about it and if I hadn't heard much for a day or two I'd be inclined to message and ask if they're still interested and if they want to arrange another date. That way you know where you stand and you're setting the boundary that you expect open communication.

How long is too long to wait to have sex? I am getting to know someone just now and do snog him at the end of every date and love his company but not ready for sex yet. I've always gone in straight for the sex and often been hurt cos then I'm totally attatched regardless of what they are really like and it's caused me the kind of pain the op describes. I still have some of that programming that's what he's expecting even though he's been clear that he's happy to take it at my pace.

Original poster
Single018 · 30/05/2023 07:39

Thank you all for your advice. I still feel very anxious today about the whole situation. Trying not to think about it, but I know I’ll be upset if he does ghost me.

OP posts:
thisthenthat · 30/05/2023 08:01

Single018 · 30/05/2023 07:39

Thank you all for your advice. I still feel very anxious today about the whole situation. Trying not to think about it, but I know I’ll be upset if he does ghost me.

If you know it's not working for you, and suspect he either wants something too casual or worse might actually ghost, why don't you get in first and end it?
He isn't giving you what you need or want; why are you waiting for the 'rejection'?
Text him 'hey, was thinking about our situation last night and I'm not sure it's working for me' - then block and delete
Or
Have a conversation with him about what you want and need from the situation and if it goes well - great! If it doesn't - tell him you're looking for something different and then block and delete.

You've had some really good advice on this thread, take it. Work on you. Good luck x

user1471538283 · 30/05/2023 08:06

I remember feeling like you OP. I wasted years trying to get something to stick and I put up with terrible behaviour. Then I just didn't.

Let him ghost you and start afresh. This time you will remember how valuable and important you are!

MayBeee · 30/05/2023 08:09

If he does ghost you , he is showing his real colours so not worth it anyway.
Aside from that , him coming round to yours ( and it ending in sex ) is a bit of a red flag as in what are his intentions . Suggest going out together and see what happens.

CovetedAsFuck · 30/05/2023 08:13

This is the thread I needed thirty years ago. Good advice! Do take it on board, op Flowers

Original poster
Single018 · 30/05/2023 08:20

I just feel like I need some form of closure. And I really enjoyed the physical intimacy with him. And the attention. And my brain has a scarcity mindset so I am panicking because I fear I will never have that again.

OP posts:
Blueskies13 · 30/05/2023 08:35

It sounds like you want a relationship. I would slow down. Don’t let them come to your home until you have established who they are etc. A lot of men will just be looking for sex. You have given him that but he is free to carry on dating because it’s not established. Consider counselling to work on your value and putting boundaries in place. This way you will know who you are and where to draw a line and walk away.