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Original poster

Opinions - possible cultural appropriation - a WWYD?

113 replies

DoraSpenlow · 19/05/2023 17:43

Long story short. Let's call my friend Mary.

Mary's son went to Australia for an extended holiday after med school. While there he has met a lovely woman and they are to be married, in Australia, in November. At the moment they plan to live in Australia.

When they got engaged Mary went to Australia for the party and to meet her soon-to-be daughter-in-law and her family. Whilst at the party she particularly hit it off with the STBDILs granny. DIL and family are Indian and Mary was admiring the many colourful saris being worn and saying that we don't seem to get clothes with such beautiful, vibrant colours in the UK.

Two weeks ago a parcel arrived from granny containing the most beautiful midnight blue with gold trimming sari. There was a letter from granny saying she would be honoured if Mary would wear it for the wedding evening do. The ceremony itself is to be a Christian service but the evening party very much an Indian theme, so Mary would wear a normal 'mother of the bridegroom' outfit for the ceremony and meal immediatley afterwards, changing for the evening.

Now, Mary's daughter is horrified and has said that there is absolutely no way she should wear the sari because 'cultural appropriation' and that if Mary intends to wear it to the evening do, the daughter will refuse to go.

So, does Mary offend the granny by not wearing the sari, or the (very woke) daughter by wearing it, and run the risk she may have to attend on her own? Personally I would wear it as granny has gone to the expense of buying and shipping it. (And also my friend looks amazing in it).

WWYD? Can any Australian Mumsnetters give a view of how acceptable it would be in Australia?

PS, the bride and bride's mother are quite happy for Mary to wear the sari as a sign she is accepting of the cross culture marriage (their words).

OP posts:

Elmo230885 · 19/05/2023 17:46

I personally think that Mary's daughter is the one in the wrong here. The family have provided the sari and want her to wear it. It would be totally different if she went out and bought one, and just showed up in it.

BerryTrifle · 19/05/2023 17:47

I don't think this a matter of cultural appropriation so much as the bride reverting to a teenager of the "omg mum you're so embarrassing" type.

NBLarsen · 19/05/2023 17:48

The daughter is being stupid and selfish by saying she won't go if her mother wears the sari - better that she doesn't go if that's her attitude.

Mary should wear the sari. It's a beautiful and generous gift and wearing it will both show her appreciation of the gift and show her embracement of her new DIL's family.

BerryTrifle · 19/05/2023 17:48

Apologies, just realised it's not the bride but the sister. But still!

fireflyloo · 19/05/2023 17:48

The granny has provided the sari. I would wear it with pride.

Iamnotthe1 · 19/05/2023 17:49

Cultural appropriation is a term often used by people not of that culture who are offended on behalf of other people, who may or may not be offended but aren't actually asked.

Cultural appreciation is typically how it is seen by members of the actual culture in question.

ShinySherry · 19/05/2023 17:50

Wear the sari, it's a gift, it would be rude not to.

Mabelface · 19/05/2023 17:50

She absolutely should wear it! It would be an insult not to when it's been so generously gifted. Mary's daughter needs to pull her head out of her arse.

Bonbon21 · 19/05/2023 17:51

What a lovely warm generous gesture!
Such a kind welcome to the family.... how could anyone resist such a start to the union of two families?
Accept the gift in the spirit it was sent, wear it with pride... tell everyone the back story.. we need all the love and friendship we can get in this world...

QuintanaRoo · 19/05/2023 17:52

Friend of mine is white English and dates an Asian Hindu guy. Every wedding on his side she goes to she wears a sari at his family’s encouragement. It’s fine.

Peppermint81 · 19/05/2023 17:53

Wear it, brides family will be offended it she doesn't.
Mary's daughter will prob be offended by many other things...

Socktupus · 19/05/2023 17:53

Cultural appropriation is a term often used by people not of that culture who are offended on behalf of other people, who may or may not be offended but aren't actually asked.

Exactly. Mary should ask her daughter who the fuck she thinks she is being offended on the behalf of the DIL's family and her culture.

Talk about taking the joy out of a situation. I'd be putting a stop to this tight now as she's going to ruin Mary's relationship with the new family members by policing.

Meeting · 19/05/2023 17:54

Ignore the daughter. What a lovely gesture.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/05/2023 17:55

Ridiculous. My in-laws have always seen it as a sign of respect for their culture when I wear their traditional clothes to their family functions.

I think it would be cultural appropriation for a non-Indian woman to wear a sari to attend a random function or event, but there is no issue whatsoever in wearing it to family function when the Indian family has specifically asked you to do so!

The daughter is being absurd. I would call her bluff and say don't go then.

GaraMedouar · 19/05/2023 17:55

Oh my goodness how ridiculous ! Of course she should wear the sari gift from granny ! I’m sure she will look beautiful and the bride and mother in law will be delighted. I think that’s a lovely gesture from granny too.

SisterWivesrus · 19/05/2023 17:55

Mary's daughter is being an arse.

"Cultural appropriation is the inappropriate or unacknowledged adoption of an element or elements of one culture or identity by members of another culture or identity. This can be especially controversial when members of a dominant culture appropriate from minority cultures"

Wearing a gifted item that someone from another culture gave you and said they'd be honoured if you wore it is not cultural appropriation.

Rummikub · 19/05/2023 17:55

Mary has been invited to wear one and sent a gift. It is not cultural appropriation. It is cultural appreciation which should be encouraged.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 19/05/2023 17:56

Just to clarify - the bride and her family are Indian heritage Australians who both sent and are happy for Mary to wear the (probably very expensive!) sari for the evening party but Mary's (not Indian, possibly white daughter) is kicking off about cultural appropriation?

If so, Mary's daughter has a white saviour complex where she is NOT listening to the minority voice and is in fact enforcing her own white framework on what is acceptable/not acceptable in the face of what the non-white people want. In fact, she's being exactly the thing she's decrying - an oppressor.

I'm being hyperbolic but that's how it has to be positioned for it to make any dent in others' seeming wokeness which is less about actual minority injustice and more about what looks good on Instagram.

PurBal · 19/05/2023 17:57

I’ve worn Indian dress to an Indian wedding. And my white friend marry an Indian man had two weddings (before I knew her) where on one day guests were asked to wear catholic dress and the next day Indian.

mbosnz · 19/05/2023 17:57

I would be telling my daughter to stop being so disrespectful to a person of a culture being generous sharing a beautiful item of their culture, and to desist from being so insulting as to attempt to impose her ideas of what they could and should share of their culture on those actually of that culture. That I would never be so ill mannered or arrogant to rebuff such a generous and beautiful gift and that she should learn some manners and understanding from them.

TakeMe2Insanity · 19/05/2023 17:57

This isn’t cultural appropriation but more a cultural invitation. The fact the granny has chosen something and sent it over says so much. To not wear it would be rude and a rebuff.

On a side note in culturally mixed weddings it’s the norm that everyone wears eg English for the church service and then asian for the asian ceremonies. It’s also viewed as acceptance of the other culture. I say this as an asian person.

Daughter is wrong on this occasion.

loislovesstewie · 19/05/2023 18:05

Of course she should wear the sari! I would consider it a great honour to be sent a sari with the wish that it should be worn at a family celebration. It would be insulting to do otherwise.

StaunchMomma · 19/05/2023 18:07

The daughter clearly does not know what cultural appropriation is!

It is NOT just wearing another culture's clothes/style etc, it is when something is considered to be not classy/trashy or looked down upon when a person of that culture wears/does it but broadly 'cool' or acceptable when a person of another culture wears/does it.

The beautiful sari has been sent as a gift. The bride's family are trying to include the Grandmother. It's a lovely gesture.

Sceptre86 · 19/05/2023 18:09

Had Mary never met a British Indian? Does she live in a rural location? Asian clothes shops can be found in most main cities in the UK! Totally not the point of the post but its wrong to say that colourful clothes like that cant be fpund in the UK when they are shipped from India and sold here.

To answer the question, her dd needs to get a grip. The granny went to effort to choose, buy and send it so if I was Mary I'd go all in and get myself some bangles an Indian jewellery set or earrings etc. Her dd will no doubt find something else to be annoyed about.

SilverPeacock · 19/05/2023 18:12

They’ve gone to the trouble of sending it and asking her to wear it, how can she not? It would seem really rude. I think the daughter is a bit bonkers.

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