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Original poster

Opinions - possible cultural appropriation - a WWYD?

113 replies

DoraSpenlow · 19/05/2023 17:43

Long story short. Let's call my friend Mary.

Mary's son went to Australia for an extended holiday after med school. While there he has met a lovely woman and they are to be married, in Australia, in November. At the moment they plan to live in Australia.

When they got engaged Mary went to Australia for the party and to meet her soon-to-be daughter-in-law and her family. Whilst at the party she particularly hit it off with the STBDILs granny. DIL and family are Indian and Mary was admiring the many colourful saris being worn and saying that we don't seem to get clothes with such beautiful, vibrant colours in the UK.

Two weeks ago a parcel arrived from granny containing the most beautiful midnight blue with gold trimming sari. There was a letter from granny saying she would be honoured if Mary would wear it for the wedding evening do. The ceremony itself is to be a Christian service but the evening party very much an Indian theme, so Mary would wear a normal 'mother of the bridegroom' outfit for the ceremony and meal immediatley afterwards, changing for the evening.

Now, Mary's daughter is horrified and has said that there is absolutely no way she should wear the sari because 'cultural appropriation' and that if Mary intends to wear it to the evening do, the daughter will refuse to go.

So, does Mary offend the granny by not wearing the sari, or the (very woke) daughter by wearing it, and run the risk she may have to attend on her own? Personally I would wear it as granny has gone to the expense of buying and shipping it. (And also my friend looks amazing in it).

WWYD? Can any Australian Mumsnetters give a view of how acceptable it would be in Australia?

PS, the bride and bride's mother are quite happy for Mary to wear the sari as a sign she is accepting of the cross culture marriage (their words).

OP posts:
fairywhale · 19/05/2023 19:40

This reply has been deleted

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Rummikub · 19/05/2023 19:44

It’s an invitation! A gift.

EmmaEmerald · 19/05/2023 19:46

Iamnotthe1 · 19/05/2023 17:49

Cultural appropriation is a term often used by people not of that culture who are offended on behalf of other people, who may or may not be offended but aren't actually asked.

Cultural appreciation is typically how it is seen by members of the actual culture in question.

This.

Mrsjayy · 19/05/2023 19:46

Oh @fairywhale 😄

Kel8 · 19/05/2023 19:47

I’d wear it. My husband is mixed with heritage from two cultures different to my own - white British. When we got married, I was given dozens of outfits from both sides, particularly my MIL and FIL. Despite having spent a lot of time living and working in Europe, they would have been deeply offended if I didn’t wear them (for one, they must have collectively cost thousands and they travelled to have a lot of it made by hand especially, with my measurements) and they have no concept of cultural appropriation. When she married my FIL, from a different culture to hers, she did the same. The same happened when our children were born - lots of outfits given as gifts. I appreciate it’s different with them as they have that heritage unlike me but they look Caucasian. Might someone accuse them of cultural appropriation too one day, perhaps? They also bought clothing for my family. It’s a way of welcoming new family to theirs and fabric seems to be the gift of choice.
I did ask my husband if this would be perceived this way and he said they wouldn’t even know what CA is and would be sad. I’m sure if I was really uncomfortable with it, he would have spoken to his in laws but I honestly felt fine on my wedding day and the celebrations around it.

I think by having her own tradition MotG outfit then wearing it later, that’s a nice balance. We had a British celebration after we got married and my husband and his family wore a morning suit (although they didn’t have to) so it worked both ways.

EmmaEmerald · 19/05/2023 19:47

Sidebar - I'd be annoyed if I felt I was being badgered to wear something.

Vanessashanessajenkins2 · 19/05/2023 19:48

As a South Asian person myself, I have gifted many of my friends clothes from India and Pakistan. None of them are Indian or pakistani. It is not cultural appropriation. I always see it as a way to share my culture with them and they always look amazing!

Smartiepants79 · 19/05/2023 19:50

Iamnotthe1 · 19/05/2023 17:49

Cultural appropriation is a term often used by people not of that culture who are offended on behalf of other people, who may or may not be offended but aren't actually asked.

Cultural appreciation is typically how it is seen by members of the actual culture in question.

I agree with this.
Not wearing it would be insulting.

Tell the daughter to stop being professionally offended on behalf of other people.

SallyWD · 19/05/2023 19:52

This reply has been deleted

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Harsh words! I wouldn't say it was nasty or overbearing. In India women give clothes to other women. It's customery. I'm sure grandma was trying to be kind, providing clothes to welcome Mary to the family. As I said, I married an Indian and have been given many beautiful saris, Indian dresses and jewellery by my in-laws. They mean it kindly. This is simply what they do in India. If I want to wear the clothes to a big event I do. If I want to wear western clothes, I do. It's entirely my choice. When MIL has been to events in the UK she's always asked me what to wear. We go shopping so she can choose a western outfit which she says she's more comfortable in if most people are British.

Kel8 · 19/05/2023 19:55

Also, a number of my husband’s friends have married white British women who would describe themselves as woke and proud. I have been called woke too. We all wear saris etc when we attend Indian/Arab/African weddings and things with our husbands. I don’t always but have done a few times.

northstars · 19/05/2023 19:59

Daughter is being ridiculous.

I’m Indian and many of my close friends (non Asians) wore saris to my wedding. As a PP said, it would be different if it were worn as a Halloween costume or something. This is absolutely fine.

Kel8 · 19/05/2023 20:01

Smartiepants79 · 19/05/2023 19:50

I agree with this.
Not wearing it would be insulting.

Tell the daughter to stop being professionally offended on behalf of other people.

Show quote history

Tell the daughter to stop being professionally offended on behalf of other people.

This is a really good point to relay to the daughter who is critical. My husband says this is the biggest bugbear with woke white people: when they tell him how he should feel as a black man. I have definitely been guilty of it in the past and he says this is ironically the most patronising thing of all, as if he can’t think for himself or needs a white person, with no experience of what it is to be a black man, to explain his experience to him.

gogohmm · 19/05/2023 20:03

It's totally the done thing in the U.K. to wear saris at Indian weddings , I've been to several and every time the brides family have lent saris to non Indian guests

strawberry2017 · 19/05/2023 20:06

Mary needs to wear the sari, it was a beautiful thoughtful gesture made by the granny and I think it would upset her that she had gone to the effort to find Mary didn't wear it.
Her daughter is completely wrong in this case. I'd leave her at home!

Augend23 · 19/05/2023 20:08

She should 100% wear the sari.

Superdupes · 19/05/2023 20:09

What a fantastic gift! Surely the daughter can see that it would be very rude not to wear it? What a bizarre take on the situation.

Tinfoilhatwearer · 19/05/2023 20:10

As others have said the daughter is one of those twats who does damage to any cause. The family have actively sent Mary a beautiful garment to wear so of course she should wear it! The daughter clearly needs to attend some British Asian weddings to see how warm and welcoming they are, not uptight like her!

Tinfoilhatwearer · 19/05/2023 20:12

A compromise if Mary wants to still wear her own outfit as mother of the groom would be to wear the sari to a pre or post-wedding party and her own outfit to the main event.

coretext · 19/05/2023 20:12

Mary's daughter should be encouraged to wear one too, if she gets encouragement from the family. It's lovely

TonTonMacoute · 19/05/2023 20:13

Mary emails granny to thank her for the wonderful sari, and says she hopes granny and bride’s mother will show her how to wear it on the day.

Mary tells her daughter to do one.

HTH

Andanotherone01 · 19/05/2023 20:13

The daughter is a class A twat and, if I were Mary, I’d be pleased she wouldn’t be attending the evening do

PleaseJustText · 19/05/2023 20:21

My auntie married an Indian man. I was from a small town in Ireland and when I first visited them in the UK i was mesmerised by the saris in shop fronts. His mum sent me a sari for their wedding when I was 8. I wore it and felt like a princess. I'm in my 30s now and have happily seized every opportunity to wear a sari to events involving his family. Most of them have been saris his other family members have worn and won't wear for a second occasion. If they happily lend them to me, I assume they want me to wear them. Nobody has ever accused me of cultural appropriation. They're just far more beautiful than any dress I can find on the high street.

NCFThis · 19/05/2023 20:21

Being an Indian can definitely say the Indian in-laws will be thrilled and would absolutely love it if she wears the sari! The granny would be over the moon and probably the DIL too if I know anything about Indian grannies! :) the sister is probably jealous she did not get the saree as well to wear it (kidding) !

Katypyee · 19/05/2023 20:25

It is cultural appropriation. However, if the granny has sent it, then it would seem like it is a gift for her to wear at the wedding. It could be seen as insulting to the family not to wear it. I think so long as she wore it just to that event and not on other occasions, it would be fine. If she had bought the sari herself to wear then that would definitely not have been appropriate.

Tinfoilhatwearer · 19/05/2023 20:25

It is absolutely not appropriation, it's appreciation

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