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Original poster

Opinions - possible cultural appropriation - a WWYD?

113 replies

DoraSpenlow · 19/05/2023 17:43

Long story short. Let's call my friend Mary.

Mary's son went to Australia for an extended holiday after med school. While there he has met a lovely woman and they are to be married, in Australia, in November. At the moment they plan to live in Australia.

When they got engaged Mary went to Australia for the party and to meet her soon-to-be daughter-in-law and her family. Whilst at the party she particularly hit it off with the STBDILs granny. DIL and family are Indian and Mary was admiring the many colourful saris being worn and saying that we don't seem to get clothes with such beautiful, vibrant colours in the UK.

Two weeks ago a parcel arrived from granny containing the most beautiful midnight blue with gold trimming sari. There was a letter from granny saying she would be honoured if Mary would wear it for the wedding evening do. The ceremony itself is to be a Christian service but the evening party very much an Indian theme, so Mary would wear a normal 'mother of the bridegroom' outfit for the ceremony and meal immediatley afterwards, changing for the evening.

Now, Mary's daughter is horrified and has said that there is absolutely no way she should wear the sari because 'cultural appropriation' and that if Mary intends to wear it to the evening do, the daughter will refuse to go.

So, does Mary offend the granny by not wearing the sari, or the (very woke) daughter by wearing it, and run the risk she may have to attend on her own? Personally I would wear it as granny has gone to the expense of buying and shipping it. (And also my friend looks amazing in it).

WWYD? Can any Australian Mumsnetters give a view of how acceptable it would be in Australia?

PS, the bride and bride's mother are quite happy for Mary to wear the sari as a sign she is accepting of the cross culture marriage (their words).

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/05/2023 18:14

She should wear it. What a beautiful gesture of the Aussie family accepting the in laws as their family. Turning up in some MOB stuff dress for the evening would be a literal snub to her DIL. It'll come across as though she'd be embarrassed to wear their tradition clothes, or she was just lying when she said she liked it. Not to mention ungrateful.

Can the son talk to his sister? Ultimately if she's going to refuse to go to her brothers wedding, let her. Sounds like there's a lovely, welcoming Auz family ready to take her in

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 19/05/2023 18:14

Does the daughter hate her brother? Or is she jealous of him? It seems like an attempt to ruin his day/close relationships between the families disguised as wokeness.

It's not cultural appropriation to wear something you've been specifically gifted and invited/encouraged to wear.

Mary sounds lovely, her daughter not so much.

SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 19/05/2023 18:15

Iamnotthe1 · 19/05/2023 17:49

Cultural appropriation is a term often used by people not of that culture who are offended on behalf of other people, who may or may not be offended but aren't actually asked.

Cultural appreciation is typically how it is seen by members of the actual culture in question.

I completely agree.

MechyMagic · 19/05/2023 18:17

As someone said above this is a cultural invitation

As a general rule Indians I have spent time with like to teach those about their culture in a not-shoving-it-down-your-throat way and enjoy seeing it embraced with love and respect.

"Woke" daughter needs to sit this one out. Lovely Granny would no doubt chat to her for hours and get her a sari too given half a chance.

I'm all for not culturally appropriating and protecting beliefs and customs that need it but this isn't one of those times.

ASGIRC · 19/05/2023 18:24

Sceptre86 · 19/05/2023 18:09

Had Mary never met a British Indian? Does she live in a rural location? Asian clothes shops can be found in most main cities in the UK! Totally not the point of the post but its wrong to say that colourful clothes like that cant be fpund in the UK when they are shipped from India and sold here.

To answer the question, her dd needs to get a grip. The granny went to effort to choose, buy and send it so if I was Mary I'd go all in and get myself some bangles an Indian jewellery set or earrings etc. Her dd will no doubt find something else to be annoyed about.

Indeed! Where I lived, in London, every other shop sold saris of all colours!

It is not cultural appropriation in this case. It is appreciation

Kokopenny · 19/05/2023 18:26

The daughter’s a dick

Rummikub · 19/05/2023 18:28

I think it depends on where you live.

London i would expect to see lots of places selling but Liverpool not so much.

WeeOrcadian · 19/05/2023 18:30

Mary's daughter is an arsehole. A woke arsehole.

She should wear the sari and rock the fuck out of it. It's been sent with love, fuck the daughter, it's not her business, or her wedding.

PureBlackVoid · 19/05/2023 18:32

She should wear the sari and go on her own. She’ll probably have more fun without the killjoy anyway

LakeTiticaca · 19/05/2023 18:35

Looks like Mary's daughter won't be attending then!! She seems to be the only one who is objecting. Its a lovely gesture of welcome from the family and Mary should absolutely wear the sari.
I have met people from many other cultures and they generally love to share things with other cultures and would be mortally offended at being declined!!
Daughter needs needs to pull out the rod from up her arse and stop being "offended " on behalf of others who aren't actually offended 😒

Marmite27 · 19/05/2023 18:35

A friend of ours married a guy from a different culture. We wore traditional British wedding attire during the day and clothes traditional to his culture in the evening. The mother of the bride can wear it if she wants to and needs to tell her daughter to do one.

Ungratefulorunreasonable · 19/05/2023 18:36

I have many Indian friends, and have been asked at each of their weddings (to Asian/ European and other non-Indian partners) to wear a Sari. I've been given saris to wear, taken shopping for them and supported to put them on.

It's not cultural appropriation if they are asking.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 19/05/2023 18:39

I think it would be extremely offensive for her not to wear the sari!

FheridanSox · 19/05/2023 18:44

Elmo230885 · 19/05/2023 17:46

I personally think that Mary's daughter is the one in the wrong here. The family have provided the sari and want her to wear it. It would be totally different if she went out and bought one, and just showed up in it.

I don’t think it’s totally different at all if she did buy it herself and wear it. I’m British Indian (Hindu) and come from a very multi-cultural family. I have been to 100+ Indian weddings in my life and I can’t say I’ve even been offended seeing a non Indian wear Indian clothes. Every Indian I know is genuinely happy seeing people of other cultures dressed up in Indian clothes, especially at weddings. It’s the norm. We appreciate people making an effort to embrace our culture. My dh isn’t Indian and when we had our Indian ceremony, his family surprised us by wearing traditional Indian clothes. It was wonderful.

Scottishskifun · 19/05/2023 18:45

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 19/05/2023 18:39

I think it would be extremely offensive for her not to wear the sari!

Exactly this!

I've been to friends Indian weddings in the UK all of which have said for the reception to wear what comfortable but saris are encouraged.
It's not cultural appropriation at all especially if they sent it (although the mum may want to request some help on the day with how to put it on!)

Igmum · 19/05/2023 18:46

Agree. It's a lovely gift welcoming her into the family. It would be very rude not to wear it.

WonderingWanda · 19/05/2023 18:47

I suspect everyone would be very grateful if Mary wears the sari and her tedious daughter decides not to attend at all!

RoseBucket · 19/05/2023 18:49

I’d go with Granny, Bride and Brides mum, it sound’s beautiful and how lovely to be included, I’d be delighted!

IndigoNZ1 · 19/05/2023 18:51

I think the daughter is being totally unreasonable, seemingly taking offence on behalf of someone who not only seems not offended by the thought of Mary wearing the sari but is actually encouraging her to so so. If she has gone to the trouble to invite Mary into her culture I expect she would be highly offended if Mary just ditched the sari and went in western clothes (and reasonably so).

I (white British) married a person of Indian origin but who lives abroad in a traditional Hindu ceremony in India and I don’t remember any foreigner who attended wearing western clothes. The family were delighted that everyone had made the effort to embrace their culture and, years later, still talk about how happy and proud they are that we did that. My MIL bought my DM an expensive sari as a gift and if my mum hadn’t worn it to the wedding my MIL would have been devastated. Now, I’m expected to wear a sari (from the collection gifted by the family) to every family event and I love it (if only I was able to put it on myself without help :) ) My Indian family loves the fact that I’ve embraced their culture and that it is part of my kids.

Even if they are in Australia, not India, if the party is Indian themed I expect the granny and rest of the family would love it if Mary got on board.

pinkpirlie · 19/05/2023 18:52

I wore a sari to my friend's wedding in the UK (as did several other non-Hindu guests). Her family invited me down, took me shopping, picked out an appropriate sari for the day and had it tailored to fit me.
Given the future DIL and family have sent the sari and asked it to be worn, I would definitely be wearing it.
Mary's daughter seems to upset at something that isn't for her to be upset about, perhaps there is something else going on there?

Harebrain · 19/05/2023 18:53

When my DD was little we had neighbours who went back to Pakistan once a year to visit family. They always brought back an outfit for my DD as their children were adults and they had no grandchildren. My DD wore the clothes to family gatherings and birthday parties. No one was ever offended.

GoldenGorilla · 19/05/2023 18:53

Woke teenager does not get to speak for the culture of the DILs family. Obviously in their culture they would like to see Mary wearing a sari, and Mary is being culturally accepting by doing it. I’ve worn a sari to a Hindu wedding before (I was a bridesmaid and was given it) and don’t believe anybody was offended!

Effieswig · 19/05/2023 18:53

I would tell Mary to ask her daughter to be specific about why it’s cultural appropriation.

HipTightOnions · 19/05/2023 18:54

What a delightful thing Granny has done.

And what a smack in the teeth if Mary doesn't wear it.

DIL needs to get over herself.

HipTightOnions · 19/05/2023 18:54

Daughter I mean!