Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Opinions - possible cultural appropriation - a WWYD?

113 replies

DoraSpenlow · 19/05/2023 17:43

Long story short. Let's call my friend Mary.

Mary's son went to Australia for an extended holiday after med school. While there he has met a lovely woman and they are to be married, in Australia, in November. At the moment they plan to live in Australia.

When they got engaged Mary went to Australia for the party and to meet her soon-to-be daughter-in-law and her family. Whilst at the party she particularly hit it off with the STBDILs granny. DIL and family are Indian and Mary was admiring the many colourful saris being worn and saying that we don't seem to get clothes with such beautiful, vibrant colours in the UK.

Two weeks ago a parcel arrived from granny containing the most beautiful midnight blue with gold trimming sari. There was a letter from granny saying she would be honoured if Mary would wear it for the wedding evening do. The ceremony itself is to be a Christian service but the evening party very much an Indian theme, so Mary would wear a normal 'mother of the bridegroom' outfit for the ceremony and meal immediatley afterwards, changing for the evening.

Now, Mary's daughter is horrified and has said that there is absolutely no way she should wear the sari because 'cultural appropriation' and that if Mary intends to wear it to the evening do, the daughter will refuse to go.

So, does Mary offend the granny by not wearing the sari, or the (very woke) daughter by wearing it, and run the risk she may have to attend on her own? Personally I would wear it as granny has gone to the expense of buying and shipping it. (And also my friend looks amazing in it).

WWYD? Can any Australian Mumsnetters give a view of how acceptable it would be in Australia?

PS, the bride and bride's mother are quite happy for Mary to wear the sari as a sign she is accepting of the cross culture marriage (their words).

OP posts:

Azandme · 19/05/2023 20:32

My DP is Indian. Families give gifts like this to welcome people in, to share their culture.

It is absolutely NOT cultural appropriation - that's to take, not to be given.

It would be rude not to wear it.

mistermagpie · 19/05/2023 20:32

My friend married an Indian man and she (who was blonde haired, blue eyed and Irish) refused to wear the sari his family had gifted her, even for the the evening do or part of the day. His family were really offended, I think they considered it an honour for her to be given the sari and a slight for her not to wear it. Cultural appropriation didn't even come into it.

They have sent Mary the sari and clearly want her to wear it. I think she should.

NCFThis · 19/05/2023 20:59

Also to add - even if she had decided to buy it herself and wear it, it would still not be considered cultural appropriation (at least not by the Indian family). Rather an honour, and her efforts or consideration would still be very warmly received. So if it's been gifted to wear for the occasion, she absolutely should.

Azandme · 19/05/2023 21:27

mistermagpie · 19/05/2023 20:32

They have sent Mary the sari and clearly want her to wear it. I think she should.

Oh that's really bad, they would have been hugely offended.

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 21:30

mistermagpie · 19/05/2023 20:32

They have sent Mary the sari and clearly want her to wear it. I think she should.

See I think that's more understandable, and where these cultural differences can become an issue - she should have been able to decide for herself what she wanted to wear for her own wedding day. Though I'd have worn it in the evening in her shoes.

But for somebody else's wedding, who cares if you li k what you wear. And it's a no brained that it would cause more offence to not wear it, than to wear it.

LordEmsworth · 19/05/2023 22:03

Katypyee · 19/05/2023 20:25

It is cultural appropriation. However, if the granny has sent it, then it would seem like it is a gift for her to wear at the wedding. It could be seen as insulting to the family not to wear it. I think so long as she wore it just to that event and not on other occasions, it would be fine. If she had bought the sari herself to wear then that would definitely not have been appropriate.

Why not?

Indian women wear jeans, is that also "cultural appropriation"? How does a white woman wearing a sari take away the ability of an Indian woman to wear a sari? In what way is it exploitative or disrespectful? Surely, trying to adapt to the culture around you is more respectful than inflicting your own culture on the host?

Grace8547 · 19/05/2023 22:10

Mary has been given a gift to make her feel included and it would be so sad for her not to wear it. She should definitely see the sari as a sign of respect from the family and choose to show them respect in return by accepting it.

Original poster

DoraSpenlow · 19/05/2023 22:16

Sorry to be so long in getting back. Have been out to a village event.

Thanks you so much for all the support comments they are much appreciated. I wondered if it was just me and Mary who thought like this. We think it is a wonderful gesture. I will let Mary know about the responses which will hopefully ease her conscience.

OP posts:

Lcb123 · 19/05/2023 22:18

She should definitely wear it. She’s literally been invited to wear it by being sent it.

Original poster

DoraSpenlow · 19/05/2023 22:18

Sceptre86 · 19/05/2023 18:09

Had Mary never met a British Indian? Does she live in a rural location? Asian clothes shops can be found in most main cities in the UK! Totally not the point of the post but its wrong to say that colourful clothes like that cant be fpund in the UK when they are shipped from India and sold here.

To answer the question, her dd needs to get a grip. The granny went to effort to choose, buy and send it so if I was Mary I'd go all in and get myself some bangles an Indian jewellery set or earrings etc. Her dd will no doubt find something else to be annoyed about.

I was thinking more of typical western clothes. But no, living in rural Devon we don't have many local sari shops!

OP posts:

Nameinspirationneeded · 19/05/2023 22:20

If DD is under 18 time to start making arrangements for when she is on her own while Mary is at the wedding in the sari.
If Mary feels she needs support with travelling talk to the airline. Given the expense this isn’t a change your mind at the last minute thing so Mary needs to be very clear when tickets are booked (if she would be paying or booking for daughter.)

Agree with Mary asking the daughter to name the individuals who are/would be offended. Then respond with the the list of family, probably including brother who will be offended if she doesn’t.

Original poster

DoraSpenlow · 19/05/2023 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I have no words!

Mary is delighted to wear the sari.

What an odd post.

OP posts:

Original poster

DoraSpenlow · 19/05/2023 22:28

Nameinspirationneeded · 19/05/2023 22:20

Agree with Mary asking the daughter to name the individuals who are/would be offended. Then respond with the the list of family, probably including brother who will be offended if she doesn’t.

The daughter is around 28/29.

Mary is quite capable of doing the journey on her own. Much nicer to travel that distance with someone else rather that on your own though.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5