Hit neighbours car and drove off

[Lavenderleopard]

Yes I know I'm a idiot, I just need someone who isn't my husband to talk this through with.
So this evening as I reversed out my drive the back of my car made contact with my neighbours car which had been parked across the street. I knew that the cars had touched but really thought it was nothing, no noise when it happened, didn't feel anything in my car, only knew because I saw how close the other car was when I looked in the rearview mirror. As I thought (stupidly) nothing had happened I drove off.
Another neighbour saw what happened and told the neighbour who's car I hit. This neighbour then went round to my house when I was out and spoke to my husband about it. I have had the lecture on how immature I was and "what if it had been a child" from my husband and feel suitably awful. I am planning on going round to apologise in the morning.
How am I best to approach this? I feel like being honest and saying I didn't think I'd done any damage won't go down well. My husband says they weren't angry and don't want any money (their car wasn't damaged) it was a more of a "we're disappointed" sort of thing. My husband has told me I've embarrassed our family in front of the neighbours now and I should be ashamed to show my face for a while. Going to be up all night worrying about this.

Sounds fair enough and it's the truth. The white lie suggested up thread is an unnecessary outright lie.

Seriously? If you hit a car, even if there’s no visible damage, you obviously need to tell the owners you did it anyway.

The issue isn’t the damage, it’s that they drove off - but that’s pretty obvious.

Who says that you have been making too many mistakes? Your husband?

Is your DH doing anything to help you be less sleep deprived like some of the nigh waking or making sure you get a lie in at the weekend etc? That would be more useful than a lecture on what ifs

Do this

Tell them you're horrified and so sorry

Then tell your DH to wank off
(When I got a speeding ticket, my DH kept sending bat out of hell, to the Alexa... sigh)

I vaguely think you're legally supposed to make the owner aware even if you think there's no damage.

No I do, I forget to buy nappies until we're nearly out, I'll start making tea then realise I've run out of a key ingredient, I'll go to the shop and forget my purse and have to go all the way home again. Little things that aren't a big deal on their own but when they happen every day they build up and annoy me and my husband.

You can’t tell if you’ve damaged a bumper because I believe they are designed to crumple internally to
absorb the shock. If you hit it it needs to be inspected for damage. Did you hit it? Surely something alerted the neighbour to you allegedly hitting the car? It’s fairly obvious when you hit something usually. Where was the neighbour?

I don't think it is you doing little things which make both your lives harder but it is your husband behaving like an idiot which is making life harder. He really needs to grow up.

I see you knew you'd made contact but it seems you haven't caused any damage. Just go round and apologise. You're human and tired. No harm done and your husband doesn't need to be so unkind.

No, don’t call yourself stupid. You made a minor mistake, that’s all. No damage was done. It hasn’t made your and your husband’s lives harder. Most people would have just said “oh I’m sorry neighbour, I was aware that there was light contact but as there was no damage I didn’t think it was necessary to report”. That would have been the end of it. Most people would not have been told off by their husband in that demeaning way. Stop blaming yourself- I suspect that this rough patch is not your doing, or at least not yours alone.

Why is it your sole responsibility to buy nappies and do the food shopping?

Honestly it sounds like you are being held accountable for not doing things by your husband who apparently was never held accountable for them in the first place.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to do everything because you are on maternity or by the time you go back to work (if you are) it will be so firmly engrained it will be your responsibility forever more.

If you are exhausted from sleep deprivation your husband can be in charge of things that need memory for awhile including doing the shopping

Uh, but you said you had a 3 month old?

When my children were newborns I remember doing things like filling the kettle with vinegar to descale it, then later forgetting and making myself a cup of coffee with the vinegar. Thinking it looed
slightly odd but not realising what it was until I took a sip (do not recommend).

Also did a shop and realised at the end I didn’t have my purse.

It’s not you that’s making life harder, it’s the sleep deprivation.

Exactly what I was about to say

I do silly things like that out of tiredness and my partner (who can be a massive pain in the bum) wouldn’t lecture me or get cross. You’re meant to be a team and when a team has a member who is understandably struggling the other members should pick up the pieces.

This 😂

But, reverse into your drive so that you can see what you’re doing coming out. Sounds like it shouldn’t make a difference and you’ll just have problems going in rather than coming out, but I swear it’s better!!

@Lavenderleopard when my DD was 3 months old I answered the door to the Amazon delivery man, it was only 5 minutes later I realised I had done it with both my breasts completely out (had been feeding my DD). I do this to say at 3 months I was doing all sorts of daft stuff, I was exhausted and my brain just didn't function properly.
My DH would never berate me for them and frankly I wouldn't have accepted it t if he did.

Yes you made a small mistake, as the gorgeous little 11 year old upstream said, we all do, we're human and that times a hundred when we are sleep deprived. But it is a small mistake, please don't catastrophize, this will not matter in 2 weeks let alone in 12 months. If I start spiralling about something, I sit and write down what I would say to my best friend if they were in this situation, we can often be kinder and more measured for others, then I try to apply this to myself.

All that said I think you need to take a serious look at the way your DH is treating you. That's not kind, it sounds belittling and it feels like you are accepting his narrative of you.

Just call over and say you are sorry, you weren’t sure if the car actually touched and were going to drop over tomorrow in the daylight to check.
you have a new baby, and are exhausted, your husband should be nicer to you.

Your husband sounds like a dick

An absolutely massive dick.

And the “mistakes” you’re making are because you’re experiencing huge hormonal fluctuations in your endocrine system because you GREW A BABY. So tell your husband to fuck the fuck off. Or send me his address because I’m menopausal as shit and really not down with some tosser making a new mum and her very very low-level life error into some HANG YOUR HEAD medieval witch trial nonsense.

Ah OP what a rubbish situation!
I don't think it's unreasonable that, given the car was I damaged? That you continued with your evening. I would just explain that and say you had always intended to pop round later on when you had more time or soemthing along those lines.
Accidents happen. I hope you're ok!

no noise when it happened, didn't feel anything in my car, only knew because I saw how close the other car was when I looked in the rearview mirror. As I thought (stupidly) nothing had happened I drove off.

You didn't feel it and you didn't hear it and there was no damage. I don't think you hit the car at all.

Every one of us has done the other stuff- well actually every one of us has nit hit a car when coming out of the drive too.

You’ve 3 issues

first neighbours. Don’t buy the “we’re disappointed “ as that is just shaming you and does nothing but make them feel superior and belittle you. That’s all about power and control. Black rock that and do not respond to any accusations or comments like that. Don’t feed it as a line of conversation by expanding, agreeing or denying. Just ignore like you haven’t heard it, Instead just tell the simple truth. I apologies. I do not really understand why I didn’t stop and tell you (don’t expand on thst, don’t answer any question in rpsonsel state it. Don’t budge.) explain I didn’t feel a bump, so I was sure there wasn’t damage , then state but that no excuse is it? I apologise and it’s a wake up call thst I need to slow down a bit and just stop next time something like this happens and sort it out then and there. Check and ask if they’ve thoroughly checked their car over. Apologies again. . Leave immediately

secondly husband. Ask him to hear you out without interuption. . Tell him he is not your keeper, you will not accept him shaming and belittling you . Everyone makes mistakes, next time he grows a baby form scratch and is still recovering post partum form birthing, and exhausted with lack of sleep he can then have a more rounded view of what is acceptable and normal or not. But for now he needs to back off, accept you are human, flawed, exhausted, going through bodily changes still, and will, absolutely , continue to fuck up certain things. Just like he’s fucked up by talking to you in such a patronising way, undermining your confidence, and generally piling on misery. remind him to pull the plank out of his own eye before he removes the speck form yours and find a little humility. then Walk away.

and lastly, forgive yourself. You’re human, we all fuck up. You’ll have loads more fuck ups in your life. Accept responsibility and apologise and repair the damage done . Then have compassion to yourself. If you had a friend tell you she’d done this, you’d be offering a bit of tea and sympathy, and then probably, eventually, having a laugh togther about how utterly dumb she’d been in not saying anything, and what on earth came over her!

ps, if DH continues with his shaming you act..seriously, you need to think about your relationship and see if he’s up for marriage guidance to nip in bud before it escalates to open abuse.

My husband says they weren't angry and don't want any money (their car wasn't damaged) it was a more of a "we're disappointed" sort of thing

Is it though or is that your husbands spin?

If my neighbour who had given birth 3 months ago bumped into my car and did no damage my only reason for calling round would be to check on the neighbour and make sure she was okay, coping and could I be of any help, because its tough at that stage.

I wonder whether their concern shamed your husband who has not show you enough concern and if he translated that into 'they are disappointed'

I once, when in late stages of pregnancy, carefully strained the pasta in a colinder..but not over a sink, right in middle of kitchen carpet
(ok, long time ago now when kitchens had carpets 😱)
my finest hormonal moment 🤣🤣🤣

I do natural dyeing and I have been known when sleep deprived to strain the liquid (the part I need) straight down the drain leaving behind a soggy pile of useless leaves/twigs/roots

And that's just a bit of insomnia not even 3 month old baby sleep deprivation which I'm thinking is a whole other level