Would you confront a friend who ghosted you?

[Enfys1982]

I think I’ve been ghosted by a friend and I can’t figure out why? We never argued or fell out, everything was fine then suddenly about a year ago for no apparent reason she started to contact me less and less and then just stopped responding to my texts altogether. She appears to have blocked me on What’s App and her phone number says it’s no longer recognised when I call. For a while I wondered if something awful has happened to her, and as she didn’t do social media so I couldn’t find her that way. Recently I was wondering about her again and typed her name and home town into Facebook and there she is. It’s definitely her. A newish account she only recently set up. She has her settings so only friends of friends can’t add her, but anyone can message her.

Anyway I really want to message her and ask her what I ever did to cause her to cut me off the way she did and if she knew how upsetting that has been for me. I honestly can’t ever imagine doing anything like that to a friend. I know some times friends drift apart but this is different. I feel like I need some kind of closure to try and understand why?

"I've Ended friendships but I've always told them why. I wish everyone had that decency, you liked them at one point to have them in your life."

I did explain to a formerly close friend of 20 years why I was taking a break from the friendship. I blocked him immediately afterwards.

He was 5 weeks into sobriety and had become extremely nasty to the people close to him. One comment was the final straw. He knew I was very depressed at the time (going to therapy, diagnosed condition) and made a very cruel comment that seemed to cheer him up.

I realised I wanted to protect myself for at least a few months so fully blocked him. Maybe in the future when I have a much thicker skin I might speak to him again, but don't miss out of the blue emotional maulings.

With other people, it was a case of either a) they should have known why or b) we weren't close enough on my end.

People in a) never accept they are at fault even if you DO tell them, so it's a mutual waste of time.

These are some fairly strong opinions for ghosting people.

That said if you weren't brave enough to share these opinions with the people you ghosted, I really hope you didn't share them with other people. Because that would be a really shitty thing to do iMO.

Ending a relationship doesn't mean the person has to accept "fault", as these are just your opinions. Your entitled to them.

But if your not direct and clear with people you can't exactly expect them to "get the hint" and read your mind.

I ghosted someone because in the 6 months we were friends, we had a conversation where he was pestering me to go somewhere but couldn't understand that I couldn't get there. (6 hours by train, nearest hotel was 3 miles with no public transport)

Other than that conversation we never talked. I unfriended him. He messaged me twice to ask why. I blocked him to stop the messages.

I have ghosted someone else - known each other for 2 years. He was desperate for a relationship despite having a girlfriend.

"That said if you weren't brave enough to share these opinions with the people you ghosted, I really hope you didn't share them with other people. Because that would be a really shitty thing to do iMO."

I was definitely not the only person actively distancing myself from the most difficult ones. Everyone we knew mutually was.

It's not about being 'brave'. It's that dramatic, manipulative people don't respond well to feedback so why waste time making things worse.

Just slow fade and be busy for months. Then if they don't get the hint, block.

No people just have things in their lives going on that may not have anything to do with me

But back when I was going up it was called losing touch when on earth did this term 'ghosting' come from?

"But if your not direct and clear with people you can't exactly expect them to "get the hint" and read your mind."

If you are the only person ever making first contact, if the other person never accepts invites, if the other person says they are busy, if they don't respond with questions, take a long time to respond or give one word answers - yes, I think most people with social skills would take the hint.

Some (like the guy in my example) drag it on for 8 months. Eventually you can't be polite and either need to block or flat out be rude by saying 'I'm not remotely interested in speaking to you.' At which point they'd guilt trip more.

@Pepsi72 sure I totally get your right to block and move on.

"I was definitely not the only person actively distancing myself from the most difficult ones. Everyone we knew mutually was."

Im just saying that this sounds very much like you spoke to others about the issues you had with x in the same social circle. But didn't actually tell X.

That to me seems a bit playground like tbh.
They maybe a absolute knob, but you wouldn't have covered yourself in glory either.

But your right on one point difficult people certainly don't tend to respond to feedback well.

You could have put "I just don't want to be friends anymore bye and block" you can't actually argue with anyone if your block them.

"You could have put "I just don't want to be friends anymore bye and block" you can't actually argue with anyone if your block them."

That seems like unnecessary drama. The person can instead just think I'm off whatsapp or not using that phone anymore.

I'm taking about someone with a well known recent history of actively destroying people online on social media. You just quietly distance yourself from people like that, not make yourself a target or feed them drama.

No don’t message her. She’ll probably ignore you but if she does respond it will only be an unsatisfactory or painful response. She either lie and say there wasn’t an issue or be blunt and tell you something about you that she disliked so much she cut you off. Either of those are not nice outcomes for you.

a relationship ending is really hard- even a friendship, so I can see why you want some form of answer or reason. I don’t think you’ll get it though. You need to work on accepting that and put some of your effort into new friendships instead of chasing this dead end.

Leave it OP. Maybe the answer will become clear.

But I ghosted somebody once. I do have a spine, but I couldn't say to her, ''when we met, the basis of our friendship was that we were two single parents determined not to let these assholes ruin our futures. But you have not moved on one centimetre, in ten years, still not working even part-time, still angry with your x, but still sleeping with your x, I cannot cope with this dysfunction it's depressing me to see you wallow in resentment for a DECADE when you are intelligent, qualified, pretty and your only handicap now is your resentment and self-sabotage.

I had SAID a lot of that to her already but much more kindly.

I had a teenager who needed my emotional support, I had a full-time job, I was happy, I had hobbies and other friends and she just wanting moving ON.

If she rang up and demanded to know why I stopped responding I would tell her that I felt I couldn't cope with her wallowing in the same place for a decade.

Oh no! Don't look for answers. Accept what is and move on. No-one owes you a friendship or relationship or an explanation.

Focus on the future.
Digging for reasons is a bit intense 😱

I ghosted someone once

I didn't intend to at first but decided to not make contact for a while or perhaps try to avoid a meet up as i found her company emotionally draining . Nothing hugely specific but I stopped enjoying our meet ups . Felt she was a bit needy and hard work.

Anyhow; months went by. I didn't contact her. She didn't get in touch with me either so i didn't ignore any messages or make any excuses to avoid meeting. I rather felt off the hook. A sense of relief that she had had enough of me too.

Then one day, out of the blue i got a text asking what i had done to offend her?

I didn't reply . I don't need confrontation in my life

All these people who block former friends, I think blocking is such an aggressive unpleasant act. Just unfriend them or don’t respond to messages.

It's easy to say that IF the other person doesn't continue to message you without response for months.

Some relationships are so one sided they don't even notice.

It was making me stressed. I blocked. Happier now.

I ghosted a friend who was constantly trying one up me, was envious and gossiping behind my back. She has done mean things , I asked her not to do multiple times. I realised that she doesn't respect me and doesn't care about my feelings. There was literally no point in telling her once more that she keeps crossing my boundaries. She knew that but kept doing it. Some people deserve to be cut out of your life. It's just simple self preservation.

It was making me hate opening whatsapp. I'd deleted his number months earlier. Still at least a few times a week, random updates.

I'd made the mistake of being tolerant early on and some people exploit that quality.

I went to therapy and got better boundaries. I'm not a therapist or carer. I don't owe anyone friendship just because they're sad or lonely. They can work on their issues and make friends its mutual with.

If she's gone to the trouble of making a new SM profile it's likely not just you.
I had a friend who behaved badly and was literally too ashamed to be around certain people. They needed to move on with their lives so cut out lots of their old lives for their sanity.
It may not be about you.

I think people are getting confused with having a argument with people and cutting them out.

And ghosting which is - your friends one day and then suddenly you disappear.

It's fine to cut people out, but if you were close enough for them to get under your skin in a certain way, you should have the spine to tell them. It doesn't have to be a debate tell them and delete and block.

It's the not giving closure part that causes pain from what I can see and people are fine to ghost. Sure no one's owed a explanation, but there's a few people who might hear about what you did and think you were a coward. You are also not owed a explanation and people won't debate this fact with you either.

The more people bang on about the reason you ghosted - being solely about the other persons actions aren't being truthful (on the most part baring actual abuse/threat). In reality its more about the ghosters own self comfort and control.

Disclaimer I have ghosted in the past and it was more about me than the ghostee.

For me a person who ghosts is not someone I would ever welcome back into my life.

@Blip That makes no sense. If they ghosted you, it's because they wanted you out of their life. They are not going to come back!

Similar happened to me I had a long term friend,she just started ,so contactingme less and less when our kids where nursery ,reception age now 16 ,.(.had previously been friend 20 years +)it came to a point where she said she didn't have time I meet up in the entire summer holidays as she was so busy ,p🙄,.So I just stopped phoning her and left it up to her to contact me she didn't ,several years later she contacted,me via social media said she was very sorry she had let our friendship go and could we meet up so stupidly I did we were back in touch for maybe year and she started not contacting me again so I deleted her off everything .
she then contacted my sister just prior to the pandemic saying we should all have a night out me and my sister and her and her sister ,we had all
been friends over the years ,I told my sister I wanted nothing to do with it and why ,but my sister not wanting confrontation just started being vague about a meet, although apparently my former friend and her sister were trying to set a date meet up,The pandemic then hit so that was the end of that
people can't just drop.friends and expect everything to be ok if they decide they want to be friends again.

I have been ghosted its not nice. But Im an adult and not chasing friends. Sometimes there is no big reason why. So just accept it I think.

Ghosting in the true sense - like everything is fine and normal, they make as much effort to contact you as you do them, even having plans that THEY push for - to absolutely nothing, no contact, leaving you on 'read' is an absolutely shit way to behave. Of course nobody owes you friendship or whatever, but some kind of explanation so you don't ruminate over wtf happened is basic manners.

A clear end point, a line drawn in the sand is much easier for a person to move on from. Yes, ask. ONCE. To me, it's the exact opposite of having no self respect. It's about having enough self respect to not allow yourself to be treated so shittily.

You treat me like I'm not even worth a 30 second text then I WILL ask why. If they continue the ghosting (which is just another way of describing the silent treatment and is considered quite abusive) then leave it.

But yes, don't be a wallflower who won't ask WTF? Ask and let them show who they really are. If you get no response then it's pretty much read that they're a spineless coward.

And no, I don't mean fizzled out friendships. I mean out of nowhere, zero contact.

I've had this happen to me too and it really hurts. Especially if nothing really happened to warrant such an action. I have let it go. I felt like she would first deny everything and make it look like I was over reacting/desperate. No matter what was said we could never recover. Whats the point then?

Who contacted who?, was she the one to always contact you?