Would you confront a friend who ghosted you?

[Enfys1982]

I think I’ve been ghosted by a friend and I can’t figure out why? We never argued or fell out, everything was fine then suddenly about a year ago for no apparent reason she started to contact me less and less and then just stopped responding to my texts altogether. She appears to have blocked me on What’s App and her phone number says it’s no longer recognised when I call. For a while I wondered if something awful has happened to her, and as she didn’t do social media so I couldn’t find her that way. Recently I was wondering about her again and typed her name and home town into Facebook and there she is. It’s definitely her. A newish account she only recently set up. She has her settings so only friends of friends can’t add her, but anyone can message her.

Anyway I really want to message her and ask her what I ever did to cause her to cut me off the way she did and if she knew how upsetting that has been for me. I honestly can’t ever imagine doing anything like that to a friend. I know some times friends drift apart but this is different. I feel like I need some kind of closure to try and understand why?

I wouldn’t confront her, but maybe if you want to, just send her ‘A hello stranger’ message and see if she replies, but be prepared she might ghost you again. Sometimes peoples phones break and they lose contact details if it’s not being stored elsewhere, but given contact was already drifting before she suddenly ghosted you that might not be the case with your friend.

I agree it’s more about her than you. I’ve done this to someone who I honestly really loved, but her way of coping with chronic illness and a very difficult marriage breakdown was to attack me every few months by text. I just couldn’t cope with her interpretation of me. I stopped telling her what was happening in my life and that made her thoughts even less appropriate. I honestly think of her most weeks and hope she’s ok. It was one of the saddest things I’ve ever experienced. I often think if my life was easier I could have been the friend she needed.

My best friend of nearly 40 years ghosted me in the run up to my wedding where she was my moh. She said it was because of my opinion regarding Covid, lockdown etc etc. basically I followed the main rules and got on with my life. I then got married she ended up being a normal bridesmaid then things went crap again. She hadnt fallen out with me but she couldn't be interested in my life when I wasn't interested in things that are important to her' then blanked me on fb. So I just binned her off which was very very hard. Sometimes I want to confront her but I know it will be my fault again.

Didn't we have a similar thread to this a while back?

IMO let it go.

They should know they've behaved badly, but if they don't it isn't up to anyone else to tell another adult how to behave.

If she has a new account I'm thinking you're not the only friend she did this to. Maybe just wanted a new start, could be any number of reasons that are all related to her life not your friendship.

I don't see the harm in sending a message. It's pretty rude just to cut you off without any word or explanation, it's very different if you just drift apart from someone but this clearly isn't what's happened here. Maybe start with a "Hi, how are you" message and see if she responds and you can go from there. I'd be prepared for the fact that she may not respond though and if she does, that you might not get the answers you're hoping for.

She was your friend, now she isn't your friend. She doesn't want you to be her friend anymore. Let her stew over any issues. Move on and grow in another direction.

I have two friends who I honestly just don’t really want to stay in touch with anymore. We have just grown apart and they are both just very negative and draining. I don’t know how to do to without hurting them. I don’t want to upset either of them, I just don’t want to stay in touch anymore. I have thought fleetingly of ghosting them but I don’t want to be cruel. Trying to fade out the friendship isn’t working either. It may be that your friend just doesn’t know how to tell you she isn’t getting anything from the friendship anymore.

You can message but I wouldn't have any expectation

I ghosted a friend once because the friendship was toxic for me. I realised she wasn't there for me and she had a lot of resentment issues that she wasn't willing to address.

To most people she's probably a lovely person and I completely recognise i didn't set appropriate boundaries so I don't blame her but it was part of my self care and self respect to walk away.

I couldn't have it out with her as it was too complicated and not my place to point out the issues about how she chose to manage the resentment in her life. As in I didn't want to have a fight when there was no right or wrong but the friendship was just wrong for me

This is the same reason as me.

I posted a thread a month or two ago about blocking people (99% of them men) I'd met socially who couldn't take the hint after months of trying everything possible to reduce the amount of contact. I didn't dislike them - I just found it a chore and felt irritated every time I got a message.

So I followed the advice and blocked them all. Big relief.

Otherwise, I changed phone numbers a few years ago when I changed phases in life. I don't have any social media really.

It's nice to be able to move on. I still have some old friends - I talk to my best friend I met at 5 years old every day 32+ years on.

I just don't want to stay in touch with EVERYONE I've met.

Tbh I think friends ghosting is worse than a break up at times. At least with a break up you generally know what happened/ there's a clear end point. I think ghosting is a bit shit and personally I don't think there is really much that justifies it. It's like the easy way out for people who can't be bothered to be honest with someone who has annoyed them. Obviously there are friendships where you just gradually drift apart but I think that's different. To go from being a good friend one day to nothing is disrespectful unless someone has something very specific going on or the other person made them feel unsafe in some way.

I think you need to decide what you want to get out of it if you did contact her. Would you her closure from saying your piece even if you don't get a response or a half arsed oh I've just been busy? What reason could she give that you'd feel OK with and be able to forgive and move on? If there's nothing, then is it just that you want to say your piece and tell her you're annoyed? Is that something you want to do before knowing her reasoning? I'm not sure there's much you'd get out of it really, you could write it and not send it or do it hard copy and then rip it up to get the thoughts out?

I'm sorry you went through this op, on the assumption you didn't do anything super out of order it's a very disrespectful way to treat someone.

I'm going through it myself
2 friends ghosting me at once for what I suspect is the same reason
Won't give the judgemental bitches the satisfaction of calling them out after 10 years and 7 years of friendship

No, I wouldn't confront someone as I suspect they won't tell the truth. I think it's best to focus on other friends until the feelings of hurt pass, which they are

I've "ghosted" a friend in the last 12 months. They were going through something terrible at a time when my mental health was at rock bottom and I just couldn't be there for them on top of everything else that I had going on. Now I feel too awkward that I didn't support them through a difficult time (they don't know about my own struggles) that I just don't speak to them anymore. If that helps to understand it from the "ghosters" perspective.

Things I would have said to people instead of ghosting, but didn't for reasons that will become obvious:

Person 1: You're abusive towards your boyfriend, you hate other women and view them only as competition, you were abusive towards your ex, you say horrible things about everyone you meet, you're shallow, vindictive and abuse alcohol and drugs too often.

Person 2: I don't know you. We met four times ever in a group setting eight months ago. I'm not your friend or therapist. I never contact you first. I decline every invite. Take a hint.

Person 3: We haven't worked together or seen each other in person for three years. I'm fed up of you moaning about your live-in girlfriend you never leave. We have nothing in common nowadays.

Person 4: We dated over a decade ago. You cheated on me. You cheated on every girlfriend you ever had. No, I don't want to answer your calls or meet you. Stop the 2 - 3 attempts a week.

I haven't confronted a friend who ghosted me. The way I see it is she isn't worth the headspace. I wasn't worth it to her so she certainly isn't to me.

No. I wouldn't waste my energy on anyone who did this.

I've had this done to me twice. I have no idea why as I have not done or said anything to warrant it in either case. It's about them not me.

I won't give them the chance to insult me again. It just speaks volumes about the personalities involved and their weakness of character.

OP, let it be and keep your dignity.

No. Just no. She’s blocked you. Tracking down her new social media account and messaging her is stalker-like behaviour. Just move on.

Yes I would and have. Ghosting is horrible and cowardly. I'd rather someone tell me something the exact problem, How can people learn from their mistakes if they're never confronted about it.
Leaving someone wondering with no closure
Is cruel. I've been ghosted by people, people I'd talk to everyday and then one day no reply ever again.
I would never ghost anyone because I don't think people realise how it can actually effect others.
I've Ended friendships but I've always told them why. I wish everyone had that decency, you liked them at one point to have them in your life.

It sounds like she has got a new number

She may have changed her number rather than blocked you on whatsapp, and is only visible to contacts on whatsapp. Either way, I think you should leave it (because if she DOES have a new number, she's chosen not to give you it).

It can be so many things... sometimes it can be mutual misunderstanding, and not communicating, that ends friendships (rather than a deliberate choice). Nor do I think it's necessarily that something has changed in their/your life for the worse, it can just be priorities and mindset changes. I also think that as you get older, you value your time more, and are less inclined to do things that feel more of an effort than a joy.
I've outgrown a friendship recently, we're both to 'blame' for not nurturing the friendship and leaving contact for too long. I feel no malice or ill will to this friend, but it's just not clicking anymore, so i'm letting it gently drift into the oblivion.

I agree with this.

If I’ve had issues with friends, I’ll tell them rather than let it fester.

I’ve been ghosted a couple of times over the years. It’s horrible, but in the end, it often doesn’t have anything to do with you.

I saw it happen to a dear friend of mine who was ghosted by someone in our social circle. The ghoster was actually a bit nuts and paranoid as it transpired. 20 years later, I’ve known her to do this to various others.

obviously, there are cases where someone is justified, but even then, I don’t know why someone doesn’t raise it. 🤷‍♀️

@Enfys1982 Id also add that it sounds like your ghost friend has wanted to lose touch with lots of people - not just you.

She won’t have changed her phone number/ Facebook etc just to avoid you, so don’t take it personally.

Same happened to me, just all fine and then NC, she disappeared I looked through old messages and same no indication of any issues. I stopped bothering with Facebook but reignited during lockdown. Turns out she basically dumped her entire friendship group from her childhood and teen years. I was still on FB with her and found out she died during lockdown.

I’m on the fence with this one. About 14years ago my dh ghosted his best mate. It was utterly bizarre to watch & witness (they lived at different ends of the Country but his mate made a good effort at trying to stay in contact). At the time I couldn’t fathom my dh’s behaviour, he was being really weird…..I tried to explain to his best mate how odd things were and how confused I was, his best mate told me to ‘just sort it out, I’m not interested in excuses’. Turned out dh was really unwell - a physical illness (undiagnosed) that had led to repercussions on his mental state & health. Took about 5 years to recover both physically & mentally. By the time dh realised that the friendship was gone (he struggled to deal with just family let alone anything else) it felt too late. He did reach out - sent a card with contact details and heard nothing till he got a fb friend request which he accepted and was then blocked from(🤷🏼‍♀️🙈)….I think if you choose to send a message it should say “Hi X, if you ever want to get back in contact do message, I’d love to hear from you. If not no worries, I hope you are well & happy xx”. At least then you’ve opened the door without expectations…