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Original poster

Would you confront a friend who ghosted you?

125 replies

Enfys1982 · 13/05/2023 16:10

I think I’ve been ghosted by a friend and I can’t figure out why? We never argued or fell out, everything was fine then suddenly about a year ago for no apparent reason she started to contact me less and less and then just stopped responding to my texts altogether. She appears to have blocked me on What’s App and her phone number says it’s no longer recognised when I call. For a while I wondered if something awful has happened to her, and as she didn’t do social media so I couldn’t find her that way. Recently I was wondering about her again and typed her name and home town into Facebook and there she is. It’s definitely her. A newish account she only recently set up. She has her settings so only friends of friends can’t add her, but anyone can message her.

Anyway I really want to message her and ask her what I ever did to cause her to cut me off the way she did and if she knew how upsetting that has been for me. I honestly can’t ever imagine doing anything like that to a friend. I know some times friends drift apart but this is different. I feel like I need some kind of closure to try and understand why?

OP posts:

LackedPunch · 13/05/2023 19:10

I have actually ghosted someone. Stopping replying to messages etc. She eventually gave up trying. Not proud of it but she upset me SO much I was too emotional to even discuss it with her. So I ended the friendship there and then.

HauntedPencil · 13/05/2023 19:11

If someone had just gone cold-ish I might but to block you etc - i I'd done nothing I wouldn't want someone who'd be like that as a friend anyway.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 13/05/2023 19:13

It's an appalling way to behave and it would be a cold day in hell before I questioned such shitty behaviour.

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Saz12 · 13/05/2023 19:18

Honestly, only ask the question if you can stand hearing the answer.

Shes not going to say "You're just so brilliant and lovely I couldnt cope". IF she replies, you'll hear something hurtful.

Jellycats4life · 13/05/2023 19:22

I ghosted a friend once. I’m not proud of it. It was cowardly but it was either that or a showdown, and I didn’t like the idea of that. The friendship had been floundering for a long time. The final straw was her partner committing a serious crime. That was it - I was out.

Absolutely no good can come from asking her why she ghosted you OP. Whatever she says, it isn’t going to feel good. Just accept that she doesn’t want you in her life and leave it be.

PhantomErik · 13/05/2023 19:25

I would just leave her alone personally.

I had a close friend who I retreated from. She was bad for my self esteem & I didn't like the person I was when I was with her.

I tried to quietly drift away but she made a massive deal of me dumping her, ending the friendship etc & just made me feel awful. It just confirmed my feelings that she didn't improve my life at all.

It's strange but I miss her at times & if the door had been left open may have reconnected so in a way she did me a favour. I still wish her well but to protect myself (mentally) I need distance from her.

JeanieJo · 13/05/2023 19:30

I would. Reach out, ask, then if she still doesn't reply you know you have given it your best shot.

I think it is always worth it if the friendship matters to you. Life is short and people are precious.

PS I have done it myself and I was glad I did.

cobbledstone · 13/05/2023 19:31

I've ghosted a good friend. I'm not proud of it, but I had to - she was draining me.

Drifting from one hugely unsuitable man to another, ignoring red flags galore. Final nail for me was her having a baby with a bloke she had known days and playing happy families. As I predicted, they've now split but I just didn't have the emotional energy myself to deal with the fallout that I knew was going to happen.

Honestly. Just leave it. People move on. Some are there for a reason. Some there for a season. I don't wish my friend any ill but it got to the point where I literally didn't have anything to converse with her about.

Afonavon · 13/05/2023 19:32

I would suggest not confronting her, and move on.

I tried to end a friendship which was having a negative effect on my mental health. I wasn’t well, and the friend was making it worse, so I retreated into myself and ghosted her to protect myself. She was relentless and eventually I had to spell it out to her. She was really really hurt, and I still feel shit about it. But I had to survive, and she was slowly killing me.

I am not trying to imply that you have done something wrong at all, but she may just feel that you are not in the same place and she wants to cut ties with a part of her life she wants to leave behind.

KittyAlfred · 13/05/2023 19:32

I would want to know, but I’m not sure I’d have the courage to message her.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/05/2023 19:34

I wouldn't confront her because she gets to choose who she maintains friendships with, and she doesn't have to explain.

I have a friend who is not exactly ghosting all her longstanding friends (always replies cordially to our messages) but it is becoming clear that she doesn't want to see any of us. I am hoping it is just that she went through some difficult times since she met us, and now wants to move forward leave everything associated with the last 8 years behind. I am hoping it is not that she has met another controlling and unsuitable man. Either way I have no inclination to pick it apart.

7eleven · 13/05/2023 19:35

I ghosted someone once. She was unreliable and often let me down. I’d have happily told her why…but she never asked.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 13/05/2023 19:36

I’ve never ghosted friends, I tend to be grown up and if for whatever reason the friendship has ended or run it’s course then I prefer a text, email etc to say why and I do the same.

I might, years ago have not stayed in contact with someone who was a sort of friend but not a close one, but I think you tend to know when that’s run it’s course so I don’t count that as ghosting.

I was sort of kept hanging on as a friend by 2 friends during lockdown and then afterwards one whom I’d arranged to meet suddenly sent me a lengthy text telling me just how much she hated me, that I’d run after her friendship (the other way round) but we had mutual friends in common so it was tricky. She waited for a text reply from me (after we’d had an exchange and after her final lengthy rant) and then I blocked and deleted her on everything, she didn’t block me for ages. The other friend was someone whom I’d always felt was flakey but we connected and communicated a lot over covid and lockdowns and even met to see an exhibition after lockdown ended. I’d unfollowed her from Instagram and deleted her number before. We’d actually bumped into each other ages ago and she tried to make out everything was fine when it wasn’t. I still follow her on Instagram and her me so I haven’t ghosted her but there’s no friendship there for me.

With this woman I’d leave well alone. Yes she may be going through issues and if she is she’ll contact you when she’s ready and needs to.

Alargeoneplease89 · 13/05/2023 19:39

Enfys1982 · 13/05/2023 16:47

I’ve racked my brains and can’t think of anything I said or did. There was never a cross word between us. I’ve even looked back at texts. Everything was fine and normal and then suddenly it was like she vanished.

I've done this to a friend because I was fed up with them being so reckless with their life and decided I'm out. Some people just love a full drama life and I don't.
Plus they were so self absorbed, if I needed help /advice(very rarely) it was either brushed off or a competition. I was always there to listen or help without mentioning my issues. I felt it was a 1 sided friendship.

I'm sure your case isn't similar but people can just decide enough is enough.

Maebh9 · 13/05/2023 19:44

A friend ghosted me but remains pals with our mutual friendship group. Weird dynamic. We're all meeting up next month. Dreading it.

cadburyegg · 13/05/2023 19:50

Saz12 · 13/05/2023 19:18

Honestly, only ask the question if you can stand hearing the answer.

Shes not going to say "You're just so brilliant and lovely I couldnt cope". IF she replies, you'll hear something hurtful.

I agree with this - can you deal with what might be a brutal reply? Or she might just not reply which might be worse for you.

Chocolatesandroses · 13/05/2023 19:53

Nope I wouldn’t she wouldn’t cross my mind again

Orangessunshine · 13/05/2023 20:06

was She a good friend you’d like to continue friendship with, if not ideal.
if so and you actually liked her 100%! my friend once did this and I text her after about 18months and she was honest in saying what I’d done- I had no idea I’d offended her but she was absolutely right to be! I apologised and we’re back on great terms.
I wish she’d said earlier but it doesn’t really matter now.

ArcticBells · 13/05/2023 20:06

Fourpeasinapodcast · 13/05/2023 16:52

From someone who has been on the receiving end of someone tracking me down to ask why...leave her alone. She doesn't want contact with you, she has no interest in keeping in touch. She wants out and that is her prerogative. The reasons are her own. Respect that and move on.

Absolutely this,

JaffaCake70 · 13/05/2023 20:09

Papernotplastic · 13/05/2023 16:34

She doesn’t want to be in contact with you for whatever reason. Respect that.

This

TheShade · 13/05/2023 20:16

This has happened to me before OP, I never confronted them but we bumped into eachother at a party years later and chatted. It made me glad that I never chased her, as it would have been far more embarrassing to have confronted her then had to see her at a party.

The thing is, she had her reasons, and nothing she will say is going to be anything you would want to hear. IMO if nothing happened between you and you were a good person, then it’s really shitty, mean and cowardly behaviour from her. You have to accept it even though it’s hard and make peace with it.

freshstart99 · 13/05/2023 20:29

I think that ghosting people shows a lack of maturity and spine tbh.

You expect it from teenagers or people who are going through some crisis but not fully fledged adults.

If someone's annoyed you enough to not want to be friends, have the guts to say it directly to them. It's not about owing anyone a explanation. Just if people are shitty to me, I tell them to their face on the spot.

The problem with ghosting is if won't tell the person who's annoyed you what they did, that's fine but money on it you will tell others what they did. It reeks of cowardice to me.

Op for the love of god don't message this person. I know someone who serially does this, and she gets a kick out of people saying "hey you ok I haven't heard from you" and makes fun of them.

Don't feed someone's inflated ego

Bivarb · 13/05/2023 20:30

Ghosting a friend is such a nasty, cruel thing to do. It says more about her character than yours. To leave you wondering what you've done wrong when she could send a text telling you and then end the friendship. What have they got to lose in doing that? By all means block you after that if they don't want to discuss further.

Don't give her the satisfaction in messaging her. She'll only ignore your message anyway.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 13/05/2023 20:31

Bivarb · 13/05/2023 20:30

Don't give her the satisfaction in messaging her. She'll only ignore your message anyway.

Totally agree,it's awful.

PlusOneMet · 13/05/2023 20:31

This happened with a good school friend of mine and it’s weird. But I don’t think it’s about me, well cos nothing in my life changed. I assumed it’s her and she has some stuff going on? No idea. But I’ve never made it about me.

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